lucille0 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 Hey all, I posted in the past that I caught my h asking and receiving scandalous photos of a young coworker and replying naughty comments. All while I was pregnant and during the earlier months of raising our daughter. This was two years ago. He has done well until now. I recently found a message (which I regret snooping and I have stopped) of him repeatedly asking a different gal for pictures. She never sent any and had no plans to. But, aside from the point, he still asked knowing how much pain I was in before. He desperately wants to change. He cries over how he feels he can't control it. He is in pain over coming close to losing me again. And I am too. It sucks because he is so remorseful and I feel that he really loves and cares about me and wants this to stop. I truly love him too. And everything in our relationship aside from this is great. But now it's even harder to believe him now and in the future if he has been past this. Especially if I no longer will snoop. I just have to take his word for truth. Which is near impossible now. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just overreacting. I know he doesn't plan or want to sleep with anything else. I want him to be able to express his sexuality without repressing it (and same goes for me) but not in this way...I've even considered a semi open relationship or monogamish in order to accept this as a part of the relationship. But he says he doesn't want to do it! He says he wants this energy put towards us instead of "extracurricular". I go to counseling and have been for about six months. My therapist recommends that he does too. I agree. I think he'd be open. Anyone have tips? Thanks for reading, Lucy Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 What is that old saying... Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
lostgirl87 Posted July 9, 2017 Share Posted July 9, 2017 He says he doesn't want a semi-open relationship b/c that would mean you'd be able to do the same thing. He won't stop b/c he doesn't want to but he doesn't want you being any kind of available for someone else either. In other words, he's selfish. You're in the right to snoop b/c he is lying to you again. And I'm positive there have been more that you just haven't found out about. Your options are limited here. But please don't get into an open relationship just to keep him!! It's one thing if you want that for yourself but to have that type of marriage just so you can "keep" man is awful! Again, no judgment if that's what YOU want but don't do it to please someone else b/c you'll only hurt yourself. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 People don't greatly change until a traumatic event, or they can't go on as they were before. That's been my experience as a man, and I've encountered it three significant times in my life. "A man who is used to acting in one way never changes; he must come to ruin when the times, in changing, no longer are in harmony with his ways." Niccolo Machiavelli - The Prince. Perhaps the ruin here is that he loses everything in a divorce. Hope for your sake that it isn't, but it could well be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Hey all, I posted in the past that I caught my h asking and receiving scandalous photos of a young coworker and replying naughty comments. All while I was pregnant and during the earlier months of raising our daughter. This was two years ago. He has done well until now. I recently found a message (which I regret snooping and I have stopped) of him repeatedly asking a different gal for pictures. She never sent any and had no plans to. But, aside from the point, he still asked knowing how much pain I was in before. He desperately wants to change. He cries over how he feels he can't control it. He is in pain over coming close to losing me again. And I am too. So he desperately wants to change yet isn't doing anything about it other than begging you to give him chance after chance. Has he sought out counseling? He obviously is addicted (unhealthy and damaging wise) to online sexual attention. Until he gets professional help and actually can prove to you he can be trustworthy and get his issues under control, nothing will change. His tears mean something in the heat of the moment but later they don't change his behavior. If he wants to stay married to you he has to do everything he can to fix his problems and that involves counseling and doing what the therapist asks him to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 I am a firm beleiver that everyone deserves a second chance....and after that...done No excuses...just done 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 This sounds a bit odd and I'm surprised that he isn't reported for sexual harassment by these coworkers. Unless of course he has already established a relationship with them, there is no way he would out of the blue ask for pics. This isn't just about sending pics, he's crossed the line in the nature of relationship he has with the coworkers and at the very least he's having an emotional affair with these women, because it doesn't make sense otherwise, that he would ask and they would oblige (in the past) by sending to him. Don't for one minute think this is his only time in the last two years. Just the only time you've caught him. I'd be looking to leave it but in the meantime, I'd declare the marriage semi open or open and let him feel a little sense of what you did. He knows it's so easy for women to find outside interest. He's too immature for marriage and I would not be fooled by the crying and begging. If nothing else, get him to move out for time to think clearly. Tell me, what would his reaction be to you doing the same and requesting dic picks? Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Hopefully the women he is harassing for pictures aren't married. If they give in after being bugged incessantly (or he is in a position of authority over them), we know how that ends for them, and it ain't pretty. Sexual harassment laws and corporate policies exist for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
goldenlotus Posted July 10, 2017 Share Posted July 10, 2017 Oh man... First of all, you aren't overreacting. And I really don't think you ought to be beating yourself up over snooping. He's breaking your trust, he's already broken it. At this point you should have direct access to his accounts and info until you feel you can trust him. Second, it's not that he 'can't stop'. All his crying and whining is because he got caught and he's scared. He's saying anything to save his butt. He chose to solicit pics from coworkers. He chose to do that knowing how you would feel, knowing what had already happened, but he didn't care. He was selfish and cared about his own urges. He wants to sleep with these women. He loves you too, no doubt, and doesn't want to lose you...but he's attracted to and wants to have sex with these coworkers. That's why he's asking for the pictures. He's already crossed the line with them. How does he have their numbers? I don't give out my personal number to random coworkers! I used to have men constantly flirting with me and being inappropriate with me at jobs and I felt so sorry for their girlfriends and wives. Then I dated someone who was having some sort of relationship with a female coworker and felt that I was the fool. Now my ex is married with kids but he will text me random sexy things and it's creepy. Some people just lack honor. They are selfish and they would rather talk to women outside their relationship for a cheap thrill. It's not you, there's nothing wrong with you. It's all him. He can look at porn or go to a strip club if he needs to see naked women. He absolutely does not have to hit up coworkers or other women in his daily life. The fact that he does makes me wonder if it's just a matter of time before he physically cheats on you, if he hasn't already. The main point to this is that there's no relationship here until there is trust. The foundation of your marriage is broken. If HE really wants to repair this, he needs to lose the numbers, open his accounts to you and forgo any privacy, and go to counseling. HE needs to be doing this work, and not you. If he's not doing the work, he doesn't care enough, and you'll be better off finding another person that you can trust rather than trying for a lifetime of worrying about your husband cheating on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 No offense but what your husband is doing is so unbelievably disrespectful to you and disgusting. Having been on the receiving side of being asked to send pics to my exmm, it made me livid that he wanted me to do that. I did so because I fell in love with him but hated him for it. My exMM was also extremely remorseful when he got caught by his wife, and now I have learned he has started yet another affair with someone else and my guess is his wife doesn't know as she is thinking they are working on reconciliation and exmm was smart in adding in a no contact clause in a settlement so that I can't tell his wife what I know. Wives that continue to allow their husbands to ask for pics, sleep around, etc., are allowing themselves to be hurt over and over. Each time you give him another chance is basically saying to him that you are okay with being disrespected. I have no pity for the wife that allows this. You are choosing to stay in this marriage so don't complain about how he keeps on doing this. You can find someone else who is better that won't do this to you and he will find someone else who has no values, no morals, and low self-esteem to disrespect. Since it bothers you that he does this, you know you deserve someone better. He will never change. Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 Hi Lucy, The peeps posts above me ring true as to what they say. But, the way you come across, it seems your trying hard to hold everything together for the both of you. Ok, so let me suggest a few things for you to help him and you a little. Go buy some various (More than 5) sexy lingerie, but DONT let him see them. Hide them While he's at work, put on a little make up, put on the lingerie, and take a couple of selfies and text them to him. Every second or third day, change outfits, and do it again. Don't tell him your going to do it, and DONT talk about it when he gets back home. I'm sure, he will then think of you a lot more than he has EVER. While you out shopping, or something, and no ones looking, take another selfie, with a little twist to it (Use your imagination). It sounds just as it sounds, however, its between the two of you, and it really does work to get him to only think about you. You will be a different person he see's. Something out of character and so out there, it occupies his mind. I've been with my wife for around 23 years, and every text I get from her, I hope its one of the ones I just mentioned.. Bummer is, lately it hasn't... Good luck.. Oh, and DONT stop checking his phone. You have to !. Ted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 (edited) tip? see how he behaves over a few months not just now and again you want him to change behaviour long-term or else you go back to square one Edited July 21, 2017 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 21, 2017 Share Posted July 21, 2017 I'm sorry but you are incredibly naive. Intense therapy is the least either of you can do for your marriage. And even that is no guarantee since the real work begins once you leave the office. Onus is still left on each of you to apply what you learned in therapy and do the right thing. The boundaries your husband has crossed are unforgivable in my opinion not mention disturbing. Link to post Share on other sites
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