csad Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I'm still struggling with it. At the same time, I want to know why we, as betrayed spouse, all suffer from mind movies, but most of us feel fine with our spouses' past? I mean what attribute in it that make it so bad in infidelity? Or do we just voluntarily force ourselves to this pain? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I'm still struggling with it. At the same time, I want to know why we, as betrayed spouse, all suffer from mind movies, but most of us feel fine with our spouses' past? I mean what attribute in it that make it so bad in infidelity? Or do we just voluntarily force ourselves to this pain? Because their past was before there was us. They parted with their BF/GF because they learnt that they were not the "one" for them. They were glad to be rid of that loser. Upon meeting us we became their "one". We were the winner. But then their affair and became the loser. If not a loser then how come thoughts of how could their spouse do this to them. Conflict. Self esteem broken. Searching for answers. All roads lead to mind movies. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Well I think for one, their past happened before they were "yours".... I guess I am lucky. I never really had disturbing mind movies after my husband cheated. I honestly didn't give much of a crap about the sex - it was the emotional stuff and his "confusion" that made me bat s*** crazy. Sex? I have always been a compartmentalizer. Sex can just be sex to me - but matters of the heart are a whole different matter. I hear this is one of the things men and women tend to differ on. Men freak about their spouses cheating with sex, women freak about emotional cheating. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 His past has nothing to do with me, just as my past has nothing to do with him. I don't have mind movies, as in picturing them together. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I had an affair two years later my husband had a revenge affair I never have mind movies...but he does How do i explain that? I cannot Link to post Share on other sites
Joie Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I agree that the previous relationships were before they were "yours". It make them much easier to dismiss. While I still feel irrational hate towards the exOW I don't have to suffer from mind movies. Since I knew right away I was hoping to 'R' I deliberately never asked for specifics that would cause "mind movies". I know they had sex but I focused on other things. Things I could change. I knew I didn't want to relive the picture of them bumping uglies for the rest of my life. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I had an affair two years later my husband had a revenge affair I never have mind movies...but he does How do i explain that? I cannot maybe subconsciously you think you deserved it and don't have the right to. E upset? Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 maybe subconsciously you think you deserved it and don't have the right to. E upset? could be regardless....the point is some people have mind movies....some people don't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Superchicken Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 The past is just that. It has nothing to do with the present. So, look at it this way. You lend your friend your "Rented" car, and he smashed it. No bid deal, life goes on. However, NOW its "Your" car that you love and cherish, and he smashes it. Feel the same ?. NOOOOO.. Same for wife/girlfriend. Its that she was your love, and was to be for life. But, its a smashed heap of pain and memories.. Over and over.. Endless tape of "Actions" playing and replaying. If you want to stick around, you need to deal with it. Your only hope to "Some" comfort, is that she really, and I mean really is remorseful. But, if she's been doing the dirty for some time, then, nope. Adios Amigos !. I'd leave, sorry, but anyone that cheats more than once, has crossed over the "It was a bad Mistake" line.. Ted. Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 It may just be that the affair was a deal-breaker for you, plain and simple. You are fighting against that truth, and that inner conflict is the source of your mind movies and pain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 The difference is that they supposedly committed to you, promising fidelity and exclusivity. You had expectations that they would honor this commitment, yet they did not. Prior to their promising fidelity to you, you had no expectations of them - perhaps did not even know them. The betrayal haunts you, and this is one way it manifests for some people. On the other hand, some people DO have mind movies and other issues about their partner's past lovers before they even knew them. This is known as retroactive jealousy, and is an inappropriate obsession. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 The past, it was just him. Affair? We were US. I often tell myself that he had been with other women before me and it didn't bother me, it didn't affect me, so just to think about it that way. Of course that doesn't work, but I still keep trying. Link to post Share on other sites
PickledHead Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 We all have pasts. It's less of an issue thinking of your partners past as you are aware you have a past of your own. It's an equal footing With an affair partner, most BS don't have their own comparable. Also, with affair partners you are in the current space with your WS. You know how they look at the time, what they wear, how they smell! It's easy to build a picture as you are part of it all except the act itself Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I think it's because we try to imagine what the BS was actually doing when he had lied about his whereabouts. It's the lying, not the sex, that causes the mind movie. It's also a painful exercise in trying to understand why the BS would be intimate with someone else. What was he getting that we couldn't give? That's my opinion, anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Unforseen Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 It's an automatic challenge to my manhood. What made the OM sooo much better than me? How is it that you were so easily able to give in to the temptation that was offered when I resisted offers while when our relationship was at its worst. Do I mean that little to you? Let's roll back the tape and see what makes him so much better. Was he an animal in the sack? Did he put Ron jeremy to shame? Rich and successful? How do I compare and what exactly did you do with him? Why wasn't I good enough to do that with? Ah hell, look at that loser. He's ugly, lives with his mom and is that an embarrassing skin disease on his face! See I am better...yet you chose him.... Things are very visual to me. When I start questioning the when, where, why, how it just conjures up the images. Then there's nothing to do but grab the popcorn, tissues and stay the hell away from my WW for a bit until I can approach her without being mean. Angry is okay. Hurt is okay. But mean and vengeful has not worked. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I had an affair two years later my husband had a revenge affair I never have mind movies...but he does How do i explain that? I cannot I've don't read BW threads so my experience is limited but I've not read/heard about BW being crushed by mind-movies the way BH are. The emasculation that occurs to BH over the sex is often the overwhelming reason for divorce or the major obstacle to R. The emotional reaction & damage is different, generally, for BH vs. BW. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 It's how your mind makes you accept it as a reality. Same thing happens when someone you love dies. Except it's called something else... flashes? I don't remember. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 I don't like thinking about my wife having sex with guys before we became committed but the fact that it happened doesn't bother me. I never think about it. Mind movies of her cheating sex are intrusive. I don't want to imagine that stuff - it sickens me for God's sake - but I can't control those thoughts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted March 28, 2017 Share Posted March 28, 2017 Mind movies are a fickled thing. Some people have them and some people don't. Some people want details of what happened and some people don't want to know. What I speculate is mind movies can get intense is when the betrayed isn't getting the full story. Not having all the information of what happened and how far it went. And when they don't have the full story, then their minds are not their friends at that moment. In your head, you believe that there are gaps in their betrayers story. Therefore, your mind has missing data. So, your mind creates "mind movies" to fill in the gaps. And sometimes the mind movies are worse than what actually happened. So, it becomes extremely important that the betrayee gets the full story to help them stop the mind movies and sometimes they ask the same story over and over to make sure nothing changed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 I've don't read BW threads so my experience is limited but I've not read/heard about BW being crushed by mind-movies the way BH are. The emasculation that occurs to BH over the sex is often the overwhelming reason for divorce or the major obstacle to R. The emotional reaction & damage is different, generally, for BH vs. BW. well i find it a little troubling that men have a harder time with this than women does this go back to the old sexist issue women expect husbands to cheat and husbands cannot handle wives that cheat? I don't know..but this is a bit telling and extremely troublesome because in my mind a cheater is a cheater...regardless of their gender and a person who can forgive should not be based on their gender either also....let me say...i gave way too many details...and he gave very few 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 well i find it a little troubling that men have a harder time with this than women does this go back to the old sexist issue women expect husbands to cheat and husbands cannot handle wives that cheat? I don't know..but this is a bit telling and extremely troublesome because in my mind a cheater is a cheater...regardless of their gender and a person who can forgive should not be based on their gender either also....let me say...i gave way too many details...and he gave very few Basic biology. There never has a wife that does not know who the mother of her child is. Now ladies do you understand why the sex is harder to get over then the emotional aspect of an affair the BH? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 As some one who has suffered from mind movies on a continuous basis, I will give my perspective. Mrs. Adams thinks she gave way too may details. In my opinion, she just told the truth. It was said by another poster, that the BS makes it worse than it is. I have to say, no, I do not add details. I have enough details for a very graphic mind movie. In reality, I do not think the mind movies ever completely go away. Yes, they fade and and not as evasive, but, you can never completely erase them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 ^^^ so it's a reptilian brain issue? I wonder if this is why conversely more guys have Hot Wife, cuckold etc fantasies then women do. For me, I guess I did have some mind movies, but I really didn't find them very troubling. It's like right now (many years later) I can picture my WH and the OW together, and I don't feel much more than a shrug. But I don't want to know what he told her. I don't want to know what he said to make her feel "special" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Basic biology. There never has a wife that does not know who the mother of her child is. Now ladies do you understand why the sex is harder to get over then the emotional aspect of an affair the BH? Well road..My kids are my husbands....they look like my husband....and i did not have sex with the ap until my kids were both born If John doubts my fidelity the first 10 years of our marriage...if he doubts the paternity of our children...then he is welcome to get them tested. My affair was our 11th year of marriage and john had a vasectomy after the birth of our last child...and i had no more children so no....there is no reason that john should have a harder time "getting over" it than my getting over it. Yes... women have the children and while there are some women who cheat and pass the child off as their husbands child...I would bet most do not...especially in this day and age where people get FIXED when their families are complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Heathen Posted March 29, 2017 Share Posted March 29, 2017 Men have a harder time with the PA because a good Man and Husband wants to please his wife in every way. Not only does he want to be a good companion, provider and father to your children, but deep down inside he wants to be the best you ever had. To leave you satisfied and wanting no other. Superman. It isn't just the thought of your sexual acts with the AP. It is the thought that you enjoyed it...immensely. Call it sexist if you wish. But most Men call it torture. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts