Can I love her after I cheated?

[thinkingitthrough]

I think my story is a familiar one to many people here.

 

Late 20's, long term relationship with no dependents or marriage and things have gotten boring. There has always been an element missing but the comfort, ease, and her unwavering support and understanding has kept us together. She has done everything right. I love her, but I can't quite bring myself to marry her. I'm struggling with whether my relationship just needs to time and energy devoted, or whether it isn't salvageable.

 

The chemistry with the other woman is undeniable, better than it ever was with anyone else. The laughs are endless. The emotional connection is very meaningful. We've never had sex. She's also in a committed relationship without dependents. There are many complicating factors beyond the obvious ones that make this relationship a challenge but I think about her constantly and I know she feels the same way.

 

It would be easier if I could go back to never having met the new girl. At least then I could make an unbiased assessment of my current relationship and have an honest discussion with my girlfriend. For now my attempts at telling her about my unhappiness have been met with tears, confusion, and pleading for a chance to work on things. It's heartbreaking. There is no getting out of this mess without hurt.

 

I'm terrified of marrying the wrong girl. The new relationship feels so right, but the old one has stood the test of time until now. I know it's hard to sympathize with cheaters, but I'm hoping for some advice.

[BaileyB]

Of course, the relationship with the new girl feels so good... it's always fun and exciting to meet and get to know a new person... Give it a few years and deal with some of the boring routine and life stress of a long term relationship and the shine will probably wear off again...

 

But seriously, if you can't bring yourself to marry your girlfriend, please do her the kindness of letting her know this now. Don't waste any more of her time thinking that she is building something with you that will bring her love and family for the rest of her life. No woman wants to invest in a relationship with a man who can't commit because he doesn't love her enough to "bring himself to marry her."

Edited February 26, 2017 by BaileyB

[ShatteredLady]

People say that infidelity is one of the most psychologically damaging things that you can inflict on another human being. (2nd only to death of a child according to some articles). In my experience being made to feel like you can fight for an 'honest' relationship whist your partner is obsessed with another is FAR worse!

 

You say it would be better if you had never met this OW. If (that's a big if) your relationship is that bad it would be another woman if it wasn't this one.

 

I'm taking your world for it (because you've avoided marriage) that your relationship is fundamentally flawed. We date to 'try out' a partner for marriage. It's not her fault. She's 'failed the interview' & you NEED to split-up. I'm NOT saying that you should leave your gf for the OW. You've already wasted a huge part of her life & now you're gaslighting her....saying that you have 'problems' but being utterly deceitful about the 'problem'. Her main issue is, she's not the OW & there's absolutely NOTHING she can do about that.

 

It's all gone too far, even if you can't see that. How on earth are you going to salvage your relationship? You aren't going to enter into a blah marriage now that you're all hot & steamy over forbidden fruit. Affairs add a thrill that no long term, stable relationship can compete with.

 

You're not married, don't have kids, you're young. Take this as a learning experience. You've spent your formative years with your gf. Of course you're bored! Just don't be one of those people who finds themself in the same boat after 10 years of marriage with babies & do the same thing.

 

Familiarity breeds contempt if you're not very careful. According to the statistics on adultery a huge % of people have contempt for their chosen other no matter how wonderful it is the day you take your vows.

[anduina]

Let her go. It's not that you stopped loving her or need to reboot your love, it's that you love yourself more.

[elaine567]

YOU are in no position to marry anyone.

Put your poor long term gf out of her misery. Her clock is ticking and the last thing she want is to carry on in an relationship that is going nowhere.

[thinkingitthrough]

I just can't help thinking I've made a huge mistake. Because I have made a mistake. Being unfaithful is obviously a bone headed move and if I could take it back I would. Talking to my current GF about things before things got too involved with the other would have been the mature and responsible thing to do.

 

But before I met the OW I did have plans to marry my current GF. I'd pictured nothing else in my future. I just don't understand how I feel so hard for someone else. Is the OW uncovering the flaws that existed in my relationship or am I just blinded by new love so much that I can't see how good it is we have it?

 

I know it seems easy for people to tell me I need to walk away from my current GF. But I love her. I wish I didn't feel this way about someone else.

 

Here is a question I've been struggling with. Regardless of the outcome, do I tell my current GF I've been unfaithful? I haven't told her not because I want to keep the power and be the decision maker. I'd happily relinquish that because I'm so lost. But I don't want her to hurt more than is necessary.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "There are many complicating factors beyond the obvious ones that make this relationship a challenge.....".

 

Young &/or emotionally immature guys LOVE the chase. It's such a challenge!

 

The adrenaline rush of doing something clandestine makes you both glow. You're young. Have fun! There's nothing deep & meaningful going on with the OW though. Please don't confuse chemicals & new & shiny with deep & meaningful just to justify your cruelty & betrayal....most do this!

 

There's not a whole lot of advise that's really worth giving you. You're young. Anyone saying something that you don't want to hear will simply be judged & ignored. You with either live & learn or you'll continually mess-up your life & any poor woman who gets too close to you. Can you see that?

 

ALL committed, long-term relationships get boring & stale if you don't put the work in. I never believed that in my 20's either!! I thought that love was some kind of magical thing that just happened when I had the hots for some guy. True love was simply when the 'hots' endured. I've been married for over 20 years now. I know better!

 

"Love" is something that you DO. You do not love your gf or the OW. Other members are correct, the only person you're loving is yourself.

 

Your infidelity is going to forever change your gf. The way that she views every man & relationship for the rest of her life will be tainted & jaded by your selfish behavior. It's an incredibly abusive thing that you're doing. Sadly the magnitude of this can't be truly grasped by someone who has never experienced being stabbed in the back by a Love who they trust & sacrifice for.

 

Please do the decent thing. Tell her the truth!

 

Cheats tell themselves all the usual things to avoid conflict. By pretending to be the 'good-guy' you are torturing her. "It's not me, it's YOU!". I get that you feel a bit of guilt when she sobs & begs, not understanding how she's suddenly failing to be good enough to keep you happy. Rather than shallow 'guilt' try digging deep & finding some EMPATHY...it's a wonderful human characteristic to nurture!

[FoundMyStrength]

There has always been an element missing but the comfort, ease, and her unwavering support and understanding has kept us together. She has done everything right. I love her, but I can't quite bring myself to marry her.

 

This says it all to me. You're staying with her out of routine, habit, comfort. She's "good enough" to come home to each day, but there's not enough of a connection to marry her. For the love of everything, let this poor woman go. She was not put on this earth to provide you with "unwavering support and understanding". She has needs, wants, desires, and I imagine one of them is to find a truly loving partner who will marry her some day. Love does not include infidelity, gaslighting, and lying to your partner.

 

This OW is not the issue. The issue is there is something fundamentally wrong with your current relationship. If it wasn't this OW, it would be someone else. If end up marrying your girlfriend, I'd put money on you finding someone else to cheat with early on in your marriage.

 

Either fess up to your girlfriend, then figure out what comes next -- couples therapy, individual counseling, breaking up -- or tell her it's just not working out. The spark isn't there.

Edited February 26, 2017 by FoundMyStrength
addition

[LoveBug143]

I completely understand why you're still with your current girlfriend. The comfort, the normalcy, the habit and the idea of always having someone there for you.. its very hard for anyone to walk away from that.. but the point of the matter is, you don't seem to want to spend the rest of your life with her. If she's looking for something long term.. then you probably should let it go. I know you want to avoid the pain of a break up, starting something new or maybe ending up alone.. but trust me.. Eventually you both will breathe a huge sigh a relief.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm terrified of marrying the wrong girl. The new relationship feels so right, but the old one has stood the test of time until now. I know it's hard to sympathize with cheaters, but I'm hoping for some advice.

 

Isn't this really two separate issues?

 

Should you break things off with a GF who has different goals and with whom you're not on the same page emotionally? Yes...

 

Should you be secretly involved with someone else when you're both in committed relationships? Of course not...

 

The issues with your GF shouldn't depend on having an immediate replacement lined up...

 

Mr. Lucky

[thinkingitthrough]

Either fess up to your girlfriend, then figure out what comes next -- couples therapy, individual counseling, breaking up -- or tell her it's just not working out. The spark isn't there.

 

Thanks for this. It's the kind of honesty I need to hear. I think that if there is any hope for our relationship it needs to be built on honest grounds. I'm going to end things with the OW that much I know.

 

I will fess up to my GF about the mistake I've made. I do want our relationship to work. I don't know if it's reconcilable but I at least owe it to her to let her in on the decision making. I want to live and learn from this because I've been in a world of hurt and confusion that was absolutely not worth it. If the trust can be rebuilt I will not be stupid enough to break it again, and I'll devote all my energy to this relationship. If it can't I'll carry this regret and sadness forward and never forget it.

[elaine567]

It was no mistake it was a deliberate act.

YOU will ruin this girl's life if you now tell her you cheated on her.

Trust once lost cannot readily be regained, she will never really trust you again.

Yes she may stay as she loves you and you promise you will never do it to her again but that is not how these things usually pan out.

The next time you get "bored" and I predict it may not be that long in coming, you will either pick up with this OW again or another one but this time your gf will be pregnant or caring for your first child... a complete mess.

 

YOU and this girl do not have enough of a bond to make it through marriage. YOU will hurt a lot of people here, your gf, your OW and your kids and family.

Find a girl you do truly love and are besotted enough with that checking out "extra" is not an option.

YOU are just "settling" with this girl and that is a bad idea, as you will never have enough to keep you from straying.

[thinkingitthrough]

It was no mistake it was a deliberate act.

YOU will ruin this girl's life if you now tell her you cheated on her.

Trust once lost cannot readily be regained, she will never really trust you again.

YOU and this girl do not have enough of a bond to make it through marriage.

 

Will it be easier for her if I walk away without telling her?

At this moment I don't want the relationship to be over. Obviously it needs a lot of work if it's ever going to have a chance, and I know she feels the same way.

 

Is there no scenario imaginable where a relationship that has been tarnished with infidelity can recover? Whether there is honesty about what happened or it is kept a secret forever?

 

I want to give this every chance it deserves.

 

 

One thing I have not mentioned up until now is that 3-4 years ago she came to me and told me she felt the spark had faded. It was so sudden I was blindsided. I hadn't really felt there was anything wrong and I suspected maybe there was an OM but there was no discovery or confession. She told me she needed some time apart to think and perhaps rekindle her feelings. I was a mess and I missed her constantly and hated her for leaving. Several months later we started dating again. It took me a long time to regain trust in our relationship - to feel security again. I know now that she loves me and I trust she has no intent on leaving. I think it made our relationship stronger.

 

When I told her recently that I've felt the spark fading she blames herself for walking out those years ago. She told me she doesn't want me to make the mistake she did.

 

I don't know if that changes things, maybe it doesn't. Maybe it's even more reason that things should end or maybe the fact that our relationship had been strong enough to recover from that supports the possibility that it can recover from this.

 

 

What I do know is that neither of us want our relationship to end. Can anyone suggest a way things can work? I love this girl.

[ShatteredLady]

There are many, MANY people who have reconciled after infidelity (or any other major trauma) & gone-on to have wonderful relationships. There are some members here & hopefully, now that this has become an "I want to reconcile" thread (not a 'I'm so enamoured with the OW') they will join the conversation.

 

What I'm seeing in you now is a wake-up call. Many people get into a 'fog' when they cheat & start to rewrite their relationship. Only once the reality of loosing their partner FOREVER hits do they realize that they can't stand loosing them.

 

I think you should start reading the "To tell or not to tell" type threads now.

 

Please remember that the members here have mostly experienced great trauma as a result of indifelity. Projecting their 'reality' is natural. You know what you want. Take the posts that speak to you & learn to ignore the ones that are beating their own drum....it's going to come!! Some loath cheats & believe that reconciliation is unhealthy for the bs.

 

I'm reconciling with my husband. Obviously I'm bias. Aren't we all?

 

You've got hard work ahead of you. Be strong, patient & honest. Empathy is invaluable.

[elaine567]

I believe some can make it through infidelity but by your own admission you have always felt something missing with this girl.

Without being all in, then you will be struggling, add infidelity to the mix then I can't really see this working out well for you.

 

There has always been an element missing but the comfort, ease, and her unwavering support and understanding has kept us together. She has done everything right. I love her, but I can't quite bring myself to marry her.

[thinkingitthrough]

I believe some can make it through infidelity but by your own admission you have always felt something missing with this girl.

Without being all in, then you will be struggling, add infidelity to the mix then I can't really see this working out well for you.

 

Maybe this sort of realization - About realizing the possibility of losing her - Is what I need to turn things around. Maybe what I felt was missing wasn't something tangible but just the reality of a long term relationship that needs work and time and effort.

 

Or maybe I'm just clouded by the fear of losing someone I care about and really our relationship is missing something critically important.

 

How can I know for sure?

[BaileyB]

Counselling. Go see a counsellor who can help you to find the right answer for you.

 

Don't settle with this girl because you are afraid of losing her. And don't string her along if you really don't love her.

 

The best way to find the answer is... counselling. Just a few visits and you will likely have a much clearer answer than you do now.

[somuchfortheone]

There are many, MANY people who have reconciled after infidelity (or any other major trauma) & gone-on to have wonderful relationships. There are some members here & hopefully, now that this has become an "I want to reconcile" thread (not a 'I'm so enamoured with the OW') they will join the conversation.

 

What I'm seeing in you now is a wake-up call. Many people get into a 'fog' when they cheat & start to rewrite their relationship. Only once the reality of loosing their partner FOREVER hits do they realize that they can't stand loosing them.

 

I think you should start reading the "To tell or not to tell" type threads now.

 

Please remember that the members here have mostly experienced great trauma as a result of indifelity. Projecting their 'reality' is natural. You know what you want. Take the posts that speak to you & learn to ignore the ones that are beating their own drum....it's going to come!! Some loath cheats & believe that reconciliation is unhealthy for the bs.

 

I'm reconciling with my husband. Obviously I'm bias. Aren't we all?

 

You've got hard work ahead of you. Be strong, patient & honest. Empathy is invaluable.

m

 

 

I am SO happy to see you are reconciling with your husband. I hoped you would when I read your messages in the past. It seems like your husband was really sincere. I pray that one day my husband I wake up and want to do the same. Please keep me updated on your situation.

[jenkins95]

Maybe this sort of realization - About realizing the possibility of losing her - Is what I need to turn things around. Maybe what I felt was missing wasn't something tangible but just the reality of a long term relationship that needs work and time and effort.

 

Or maybe I'm just clouded by the fear of losing someone I care about and really our relationship is missing something critically important.

 

How can I know for sure?

 

Hi thinkingitthrough! First of all...big (((man hug))). I know you are in a tough place right now and you are probably losing sleep over this. Know that you will be okay eventually and you are doing a very mature thing seeking advice like this.

 

You have written eloquently and modestly on this thread and have owned your mistakes. You have taken criticism well and not "bitten back" at negative comments. Kudos to you for this - that says a lot about you to me.

 

I was a cheater a couple of years back. What I did was much worse than what you have done so far - I already had a wife and kids and the A went physical. Based on my experience, I always ask people who are in an affair and torn, like you are, to try to remember as best as you can exactly how things were with your GF immediately before you ever met and got involved with the OW.

 

The main reason for this is that it's mind-boggling just how much being in an A, experiencing all that limerence, excitement and newness messes up the mind of the cheater. I know this from first-and experience. At the zenith of my A, I was convinced that me and my W had never had anything in common and were basically together through habit. The OW, on the other hand, had been hand selected for me by God (and I'm not even religious!). I had to win a very tough head versus heart battle to make myself see the reality of the situation. Now I am well over a year into reality and recovery and I almost can't believe the fog that my mind was in - but it was! And at the time it all felt very real.

 

So when analysing your relationship with your GF, it won't be very meaningful in reference to your current mental state - the newness, excitement and limerence will win every time. Try as best as you can to put yourself into the "you" of just before all this started. You say that the relationship had become stale and boring. Well, this almost always happens if both partners do not actively work on it. So please try to honestly consider: had it just got dull and boring because life pressures, work, etc had caused you to take your eye off the ball, not prioritise each other and fall into predictable, mundane routines (happens very easily), or is there truly something fundamentally and unchangeably incompatible in the dynamic between you two? i.e. Do you feel you can be authentically yourself and relaxed with her? Does the conversation flow and stimulate? Do you feel happy and content cuddling in each other's arms? Have you got different life goals? Have things changed fundamentally from when you first met? Have you grown apart? Can you see yourself pushing a pram with her, both with a big smile?

 

The lack of a "spark" may reveal an incompatibility, but it can equally sometimes simply be because you are not actively igniting it. You need to really look deep into your soul and honestly examine whether there is a lifetime future between you and your GF and whether you can re-ignite things and keep them lit. Your relationship could potentially come back from this once the OW is off the scene and you put 100% into it. It may even serve as an early wake up call to always keep on top of your relationship (as I didn't do early on). If not, then other posters are right. Don't risk being me 10 years down the line bringing infidelity into a young family with children, a mortgage and a marriage certificate - I can promise you that it is a living hell for everyone for a long time.

 

If things are not right, it will never get easier to walk away than right now. Now is the time to really search your soul and get all the advice you need to move forward.

 

By the way, you don't say to what extent you have cheated, other that it wasn't physical (which is a great start, by the way). Is it just that you guys have been chatting and you feel a spark? Or has the conversation itself been inappropriate - expressing love, etc? Also, how long has it been going on, and how much exposure do you have to the OW (hours every day or just the odd moment when you pass each other)? Knowing the extent of your infidelity will help us advise you better and may also help you gauge exactly how deeply into it you are.

 

Great credit to you for seeking advice. You seem like an intelligent guy. Find the answers now - never approach marriage half-heartedly or with genuine doubts - a few pre-big-day jitters are normal of course! Do the hard graft and soul searching now to ensure you and your GF have a wonderful future - even if it has to be apart. I wish you nothing but the best.

 

We are here for you man, please use us and keep posting!

Edited April 4, 2017 by jenkins95

[NTV]

Dude it might just be time to do the single guy thing again. It's okay to not want to settle down. You wouldn't be here asking these questions if cheating was okay with you.

[Furious]

I think my story is a familiar one to many people here.

 

Late 20's, long term relationship with no dependents or marriage and things have gotten boring. There has always been an element missing but the comfort, ease, and her unwavering support and understanding has kept us together. She has done everything right. I love her, but I can't quite bring myself to marry her. I'm struggling with whether my relationship just needs to time and energy devoted, or whether it isn't salvageable.

 

The chemistry with the other woman is undeniable, better than it ever was with anyone else. The laughs are endless. The emotional connection is very meaningful. We've never had sex. She's also in a committed relationship without dependents. There are many complicating factors beyond the obvious ones that make this relationship a challenge but I think about her constantly and I know she feels the same way.

 

It would be easier if I could go back to never having met the new girl. At least then I could make an unbiased assessment of my current relationship and have an honest discussion with my girlfriend. For now my attempts at telling her about my unhappiness have been met with tears, confusion, and pleading for a chance to work on things. It's heartbreaking. There is no getting out of this mess without hurt.

 

I'm terrified of marrying the wrong girl. The new relationship feels so right, but the old one has stood the test of time until now. I know it's hard to sympathize with cheaters, but I'm hoping for some advice.

 

Go for the OW she's also in a committed relationship like yourself. Why are you both sticking with people you are cheating on when here's the opportunity to be together.

 

Seems as though you and the OW share common traits and click.

 

My advice is to go for the OW. Don't worry, your girlfriend and the OW's guy will survive and move on when you break up. Don't fool yourself that hurting your girlfriend is your primary concern when it's obvious that you don't respect her. You can fall out of love but a person with character will not fall out of respect for people they claim to care for.

 

The problem is not your girlfriend, the problem is you.

[kiyoma]

Don't even make the mistake of confessing. You haven't had any sex. And the worst will be then trying to beg her to stay. Women don't forgive. They only stay for financial and family reasons. But their main agenda is to punish will banal questions for forever and ultimately a LTA revenge affair that will suck the air out of your life.

 

For God's sake, don't go there. Quietly breakup with her.

[Mr. Lucky]

Can I love her after I cheated?

 

Which "her" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

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