Always questions

[ejh]

It has been twenty five years in May. I found out some new information this past week and it is bothering me. I don't believe that my wife intentionally hides anything any more. However, if I do not ask the right question she certainly does not offer. I struggle with this each day. She puts it on her memory. I feel like you forget where you leave your keys not who you had sex with or what you did during that time frame.

 

My question is do you think she really has forgotten the intricate details that seem to matter to me?

 

I do need to state that she does seem to answer truthfully if I ask the right question and that sometimes a question does spark a new answer.

[mikeylo]

It has been twenty five years in May. I found out some new information this past week and it is bothering me. I don't believe that my wife intentionally hides anything any more. However, if I do not ask the right question she certainly does not offer. I struggle with this each day. She puts it on her memory. I feel like you forget where you leave your keys not who you had sex with or what you did during that time frame.

 

My question is do you think she really has forgotten the intricate details that seem to matter to me?

 

I do need to state that she does seem to answer truthfully if I ask the right question and that sometimes a question does spark a new answer.

 

Lol on bolded.

 

I'm also married for nearly 25 years. How old is your wife ? Could be health related. Thyroid, menopausal, etc etc. Or maybe just getting old? Instaed of holding against her, work with her.

Tell her you are concerned for her.Maybe both go for an annual check up.

[aileD]

25 years of what?

 

25 years of marriage or 25 years since the affair?

[ejh]

25 years since the affair. I have been here for along time. I mostly just read and once in a great while need to vent.

[understand50]

It has been twenty five years in May. I found out some new information this past week and it is bothering me. I don't believe that my wife intentionally hides anything any more. However, if I do not ask the right question she certainly does not offer. I struggle with this each day. She puts it on her memory. I feel like you forget where you leave your keys not who you had sex with or what you did during that time frame.

 

My question is do you think she really has forgotten the intricate details that seem to matter to me?

 

I do need to state that she does seem to answer truthfully if I ask the right question and that sometimes a question does spark a new answer.

 

Hey,

 

we need your back story, what new information, and when did it happen?

 

Something similar happened to me, when a letter turned up giving a much better idea of her ONS, then the "official" story. It was during a time when the marriage was hit by her massive overspending. Yes, I think for a affair, that some memories would be there, unless you are trying to get very specific. She would have broad memories. As a test think back to the first time you both made love, or your honeymoon, what do you remember?

 

I wish you luck.....

[somanymistakes]

Memory is a confusing thing. Bits of it come and go and get shaded by emotions over time, especially over twenty-five years.

 

Personally I think it's unlikely that you'd forget who you had sex with unless you were having sex with so many people during some time frame that it all blended together and became unimportant. But the details of what you did? I absolutely believe you can forget a lot of that, or get it mixed up. I don't remember very well what I was doing fifteen years ago, and if I have conversations about it with people who were there, we remember totally different things.

 

I've forgotten people I was "friends" with, because we weren't that close and we weren't "friends" for that long (I do mean friends here, nothing sexual, but obviously we weren't great friends since I completely forgot them until reminded with evidence and pictures). So I can imagine that if someone was, like, going out to bars regularly and dancing with / kissing lots of people and not caring much about it, they could easily forget just who they kissed, over time.

 

New questions sparking new answers is not surprising, even if there's no intentional hiding going on. Old memories can get suddenly shaken loose by stray details, things can look different in a new light as time moves on and your feelings about your own past change.

[lolablue17]

No, I don't think it's a memory problem, and not like you, I don't think she's 100% honest.

 

If it was a memory problem as she claims, she might forget many things, but at least small part of it she remembers, and she could come to you and tell you about those small things she do remember. But you say she never offers, which means that she doesn't WANT to offer. Worse, not to tell you is a clear decision.

 

Why? Because it's not convenient. Because it's hard to put some efforts to please you. Because she's gotten tired with you digging in that matter. Every person is different, but When you don't offer the truth, you're concidered as a liar to me. That is my view. here and there it can be a memory problem, but if it's a pattern, than it's all lies.

[Marc878]

It appears you rugswept it in the beginning and now have buyers remorse.

 

Cheaters lie and trickle truth a lot. You stayed which means you accepted it. Why bother with it now?

[aileD]

No, I don't think it's a memory problem, and not like you, I don't think she's 100% honest.

 

If it was a memory problem as she claims, she might forget many things, but at least small part of it she remembers, and she could come to you and tell you about those small things she do remember. But you say she never offers, which means that she doesn't WANT to offer. Worse, not to tell you is a clear decision.

 

Why? Because it's not convenient. Because it's hard to put some efforts to please you. Because she's gotten tired with you digging in that matter. Every person is different, but When you don't offer the truth, you're concidered as a liar to me. That is my view. here and there it can be a memory problem, but if it's a pattern, than it's all lies.

 

People tend to forget things that don't mean much to them. If she has recovered from this affair for say, 20 YEARS, then she's not going to remember a lot of small details that it seems what he needs.

 

If the affair is over and you have no reason to think she's been unfaithful in 25 years then it's time to move on. Either let it go or move on from the marriage if you can't

[harrybrown]

Have her write a timeline and diary of the A for you.

 

If she will not, then why are you still with her now.

 

She is like a drug addict. He was her drug.

 

She loves him and has fond memories of him.

 

Why do you not file for D?

[AnneP]

What is the new information you found out recently? You left out a lot of details.

 

Do you mean new details of what occurred 25 years ago?

[WilyWill]

Without knowing your situation, my guess is that she remembers everything very well. Specific acts they did together, and roughly how many times they did them.

 

One possible exception would be if this was some point in her life where she was going through an substance-abuse problem and spent much of her time in a non-lucid state.

 

But it's more likely that she just doesn't want to discuss them with you because it will make you angry. She just wants you to stop bringing it up. If it's eating away at you, you've got to tell her to come clean. You might consider a polygraph test.

[AnneP]

Without knowing your situation, my guess is that she remembers everything very well. Specific acts they did together, and roughly how many times they did them.

 

One possible exception would be if this was some point in her life where she was going through an substance-abuse problem and spent much of her time in a non-lucid state.

 

But it's more likely that she just doesn't want to discuss them with you because it will make you angry. She just wants you to stop bringing it up. If it's eating away at you, you've got to tell her to come clean. You might consider a polygraph test.

 

From 25 years ago? I don't remember things in detail from that long ago.

[Buckeye2]

Memory is a confusing thing. Bits of it come and go and get shaded by emotions over time, especially over twenty-five years.

 

Personally I think it's unlikely that you'd forget who you had sex with unless you were having sex with so many people during some time frame that it all blended together and became unimportant. But the details of what you did? I absolutely believe you can forget a lot of that, or get it mixed up. I don't remember very well what I was doing fifteen years ago, and if I have conversations about it with people who were there, we remember totally different things.

 

I've forgotten people I was "friends" with, because we weren't that close and we weren't "friends" for that long (I do mean friends here, nothing sexual, but obviously we weren't great friends since I completely forgot them until reminded with evidence and pictures). So I can imagine that if someone was, like, going out to bars regularly and dancing with / kissing lots of people and not caring much about it, they could easily forget just who they kissed, over time.

 

New questions sparking new answers is not surprising, even if there's no intentional hiding going on. Old memories can get suddenly shaken loose by stray details, things can look different in a new light as time moves on and your feelings about your own past change.

 

I agree. Basically you are more likely to forget things that were not a big deal to you at the time. Someone else may consider the same event as big deal and be less likely to forget it.

 

The more people you had sex with the more likely you are to forget a few.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It has been 33 years since my affair.

 

I will be very honest with you...there are some things I remember exactly in vivid detail...and there are some things I simply do not remember...I also sometimes get things out of order. I also find that my husband remembers things differently than i do.

 

Now...am i in denial? Does he remember things from his perspective? Do I compartmentalize and forget on purpose?

 

My answer is ...I honestly don't know.

 

I never intentionally lie....never...but I do sometimes find myself scratching my head when he tells me I said something That I truly do not remember saying.

 

I think it is highly possible and probable...that after so many years...we remember things differently because of the mindset we were in at the time.

 

I think I have also forgotten many details because i simply don't care to remember.

 

I will say this....if she tells you she does not remember details....then take her word for it and move forward. I think in the beginning...details are very important for the betrayed spouse to sort through feelings and principles and lines crossed...etc.

 

But there comes a time...when rehashing accomplishes nothing except opening old wounds.

 

If the details...might make a difference in your present relationship...then i understand discussing them. But if you have reconciled and recommitted to staying together and working together to repair the marriage....the details can become a no issue kind of thing.

 

Access where you are in your relationship...and evaluate how important details from 25 years ago are to your present relationship.

 

Has she been a good wife? Has she been faithful? Has she done everything she can to make you feel safe in your relationship?

[Mr. Lucky]

From 25 years ago? I don't remember things in detail from that long ago.

 

As hectic as life can be, I have trouble with 25 days ago.

 

ejh, I was in a very serious car accident almost 30 years ago. There was a time I could have told you what color the other driver's shirt was and most of the details regarding his vehicle. I survived, have lived my life and the event has faded into the distance. I suspect, after 25 years, you might be running into the same thing. Ask any detective interviewing witnesses, memory is fickle.

 

As has already been asked, a better question is why you're still dealing with this decades later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[drifter777]

It has been twenty five years in May. I found out some new information this past week and it is bothering me. I don't believe that my wife intentionally hides anything any more. However, if I do not ask the right question she certainly does not offer. I struggle with this each day. She puts it on her memory. I feel like you forget where you leave your keys not who you had sex with or what you did during that time frame.

 

My question is do you think she really has forgotten the intricate details that seem to matter to me?

 

I do need to state that she does seem to answer truthfully if I ask the right question and that sometimes a question does spark a new answer.

 

of course not - she remembers pretty much everything. However she is like the overwhelming majority of WW's in that she will NEVER tell you anything that she doesn't believe you already know or that she thinks you can prove. Never. She wants you to forget about this and never ever bring it up again. She doesn't really care about whether it still is an issue to you but she'll pep up and try to answer things - carefully - when you bring the whole thing up because she's afraid you might decide to divorce her. Knowing this is likely what's going on then you might be able to get more out of her if you bring up divorce to her. Like saying you know she's still lying & minimizing & withholding and you are not sure how long you can stay with her because of this. That the truth is vital and her continued lying is NOT protecting you because your imagination is filling in every blank she leaves with disgusting pornographic images. Nothing she could tell you could be as bad as what you imagine. If you tell her this you might be able to get more truth out of her.

[WilyWill]

From 25 years ago? I don't remember things in detail from that long ago.

 

It might be that you're different from most people. I met my wife in college 31 years ago. I remember the first time we kissed, the first time we fooled around, and multiple times after that. Where we were, etc. It's the things they taught me in class that I have trouble remembering!

[Mrs. John Adams]

What did you wear feb 23 1993? What did you have for dinner? What did you say to your wife that night when you went to bed? What did you say to your kids? What did you get your wife for your anniversary that year? What did the card say you gave her for Valentines day? What song was playing on the radio when you drove home from work? What outfit did your wife have on?

 

Do you see how absolutely ridiculous it is to make an assumption about someone else that they remember every detail that happened 25 years ago?

 

I remember some details...but I certainly do not remember every detail....and I think it is really unfair to make an assumption about me that I might be lying....or to say that I am like every other wayward and never tell the truth.

 

The details that may be important to you...may not be important to me....and while you may remember what you had for breakfast yesterday...I may not.

 

all waywards do not behave the same....in addition All betrayed spouses are not the same either....some can actually forgive and love their waywards in spite of their infidelity...and some live in bitterness and anger the rest of their lives.

[Owl6118]

18 months ago I had the opportunity to read a set of letters I wrote from 12 to 21. For context I am now 50.

 

The letters were from me to my first love and from her to me. The total stack was about 3/4 of a foot thick.

 

This was one of the most important relationships of my life. Some episodes in are seared in my memory and are among my most significant memories.

 

I discovered rereading the letters that much of what I remembered was simply not true. My memories all had a basis in truth, but I had heightened some events and completely forgotten others. Entire face to face visits (it was a long distance relationship) had been completely forgotten. I remembered other things out of sequence, but the sequence changes altered the context and the meaning.

 

I would have sworn my memory was very accurate. But it turned out that over the decades I had reworked my memories into a story. Those which supported the post-hoc story I decided on were retained, those which did not, I had forgetten or supressed. In the end what I remembered bore only a tangential and partial relationship to what really happened.

 

I offer you this story as neutral evidence of the plasticity of memory where there are strong emotions and a strong need to impose a post-hoc narrative and understanding onto significant events. My experience suggests to me that ithe is likely your wife has reworked her memories similarly. The broad story is there, some details are vivid, but other equally real and very important ones are truly forgotten or suppressed. If she regrets the affair and has long been ashamed of it I think this is especially likely to be true.

 

I don't really know what to tell you. I am sure she remebers vividly some things that would be hurtful to you. She may or may not be truthful with you about those memories if asked. But even were she to turn herself inside out, and be ruthlessly frank and utterly transparent, I also suspect her memories would, by now, bear the same tangential relationship to what actually happened, in what order, and in what context, that mine did.

 

After so many years I think much will be forever unknowable. I am very sorry.

[WilyWill]

What did you wear feb 23 1993? What did you have for dinner? What did you say to your wife that night when you went to bed? What did you say to your kids? What did you get your wife for your anniversary that year? What did the card say you gave her for Valentines day? What song was playing on the radio when you drove home from work? What outfit did your wife have on?

 

Do you see how absolutely ridiculous it is to make an assumption about someone else that they remember every detail that happened 25 years ago?

 

I remember some details...but I certainly do not remember every detail....and I think it is really unfair to make an assumption about me that I might be lying....or to say that I am like every other wayward and never tell the truth.

 

The details that may be important to you...may not be important to me....and while you may remember what you had for breakfast yesterday...I may not.

 

all waywards do not behave the same....in addition All betrayed spouses are not the same either....some can actually forgive and love their waywards in spite of their infidelity...and some live in bitterness and anger the rest of their lives.

 

Your hyperbolic examples are silly. Very few remember exact dates or what they are wearing. And I don't think that's what the OP is looking for.

 

Roughly how many times did you have sex with so-and-so? For people to whom the act of sex is meaningful, they can remember.

 

What month did it start? "Let's see, I had just moved from Topeka, so it must have been around August."

 

Did you have oral sex with him? "Golly, your honor, I don't remember." Is that what we're expected to believe? Get serious.

 

Did you do things with him that you refuse to do with me? "Gee, slipped my mind. It's been so long." Right.

[CaliforniaGirl]

25 years since the affair. I have been here for along time. I mostly just read and once in a great while need to vent.

 

Honestly, although I doubt she has "forgotten," per se (unless she has a cognitive issue, Alzheimer's or something similar, but you did't mention it), BUT I highly, highly, highly doubt she actively thinks about it much anymore, if at all.

[aliveagain]

I remember who I was married to in 1993 and if I had an affair I would certainly remember the person I slept with because that person would not be the normal. Who doesn't remember the times they did something illicit, seriously? So unless you did it a lot with a lot of different people it is very unlikely she doesn't remember.

 

I believe she has what is called selective memory. She refuses to remember a memory that threatens her self image. She doesn't want to remember a painful memory from her past specially if it was of her own doing. She will only remember what suits her needs specially if it preserves her self image. She is correcting her memory to compensate for her poor choices, like rewriting your marriage history to justify having an affair.

 

Another way to look at this is she doesn't give much credibility to bad choices from her distant past, she puts most of her credibility on recent events.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your hyperbolic examples are silly. Very few remember exact dates or what they are wearing. And I don't think that's what the OP is looking for.

 

Roughly how many times did you have sex with so-and-so? For people to whom the act of sex is meaningful, they can remember.

 

What month did it start? "Let's see, I had just moved from Topeka, so it must have been around August."

 

Did you have oral sex with him? "Golly, your honor, I don't remember." Is that what we're expected to believe? Get serious.

 

Did you do things with him that you refuse to do with me? "Gee, slipped my mind. It's been so long." Right.

 

I understand what you are saying...but i was trying to make a point.

 

Just this evening...my beloved and I were talking about when we were dating....and he did not remember things that i did....and i did not remember things that he did. Our first kiss...our first movie....our first sexual intercourse....

 

If a wayward has a long time affair....I can understand not remembering how many times...or where each encounter took place etc....

 

and I guess if you read my previous post...you would see that I was trying to ask the op about his wife's behavior in these past 25 years....and if he finds out more details...would it change anything?

 

I have told my husband....if there are more details that you have not told me...I dont want to know....because nothing matters now...my feelings for him...our relationship is what it is...and the past will not change that. We have worked so hard to get to where we are

 

SO if you remember something you did not tell me....keep it to yourself....

 

Now...that may not be the right answer for someone else....because we all process differently.

[Mrs. John Adams]

18 months ago I had the opportunity to read a set of letters I wrote from 12 to 21. For context I am now 50.

 

The letters were from me to my first love and from her to me. The total stack was about 3/4 of a foot thick.

 

This was one of the most important relationships of my life. Some episodes in are seared in my memory and are among my most significant memories.

 

I discovered rereading the letters that much of what I remembered was simply not true. My memories all had a basis in truth, but I had heightened some events and completely forgotten others. Entire face to face visits (it was a long distance relationship) had been completely forgotten. I remembered other things out of sequence, but the sequence changes altered the context and the meaning.

 

I would have sworn my memory was very accurate. But it turned out that over the decades I had reworked my memories into a story. Those which supported the post-hoc story I decided on were retained, those which did not, I had forgetten or supressed. In the end what I remembered bore only a tangential and partial relationship to what really happened.

 

I offer you this story as neutral evidence of the plasticity of memory where there are strong emotions and a strong need to impose a post-hoc narrative and understanding onto significant events. My experience suggests to me that ithe is likely your wife has reworked her memories similarly. The broad story is there, some details are vivid, but other equally real and very important ones are truly forgotten or suppressed. If she regrets the affair and has long been ashamed of it I think this is especially likely to be true.

 

I don't really know what to tell you. I am sure she remebers vividly some things that would be hurtful to you. She may or may not be truthful with you about those memories if asked. But even were she to turn herself inside out, and be ruthlessly frank and utterly transparent, I also suspect her memories would, by now, bear the same tangential relationship to what actually happened, in what order, and in what context, that mine did.

 

After so many years I think much will be forever unknowable. I am very sorry.

 

Owl...this was an amazing post....thank you so very very much