I messed up, he messed up. Long

[Confusedandscared1]

First time posting, please be gentle.

My husband and I are having pretty bad times. In all honesty I was questioning our marriage before the wedding. I know, rookie mistake. I grew up in a state that practically promotes marrying young. So I married at 20 to my first "real" boyfriend. I was so scared to disappoint anyone before the wedding by calling it off so I didnt. He has always had trust issues. He will call nearly every hour to "check" on me. Even if I'm with my family. He has checked Facebook to see when I was last active and gone through my belongings, questioning anything thato catches his eye.

He has cheated on me before. I found out he was meeting women before and after we were engaged, had a dating profile on one of the top websites, physically cheated on me and then I found he had a kik profile. I looked into kik and saw how bad it is. He brushed it all off, with statements such as "I was only flirting so I could get off because porn wasn't doing it" or "i was bored". Except for the physically cheating part. He has apologizedone for each incident and I am having a hard time letting go.

Here is the kicker, I'm not all innocent. I kissed a guy, but informed him the next day of what happened. Now, about 2 years later, I'm in a sexting relationship. It has also happened before and he found out.* I don't even know how or why it has started. It leaves me seriously confused. And I know, cheating.

Even before the cheating on my behalf, I was finding myself fantasizing about divorce. It's come close and when I came that close I broke down and I felt a sudden urge to be comforted. Now, I don't know if I needed comfort from him or if I needed it just from anyone.

I do feel like I have changed, maybe not for the better. I feel like I'm less motivated to help people. I feel like I'm cold hearted. I don't like that.

We don't have the same interests, beliefs or even certain ethics. He did grow up in a wealthy home, where I did not. He had quit multiple jobs because they required strength or to be on your feet. And that severely upset me. I let him know and I was made out to be the bad guy. I understand I should have supported him in anyway. He also has a hard time sticking to what he says he will do. He has dropped out of college and has stopped working on possible future items. I do work a lot. And maybe my career is taking a priority.

With my sexting relationship, it scares me because I enjoy it. It's not just sex it's all sorts of things we talk about. He does make me feel wanted for more than sex. We have known each other for awhile.

My husband and I have little to no sex.* He wants it but he wants to get it done and over with for his benefit. I've brought this to his attention and nothing has changed. Pardon my choice of words but it makes me feel less of a woman and more like a toy.

He has chosen to sleep on the couch for awhile and now I don't want him in our bed. The lack of trust that he always portrayed and him cheating has severely hurt me and the counselor said we can try and work through it. When divorce was brought up in became severely terrified and sad but I felt maybe a little relief?? We are both at fault here and I know that. I guess I'm looking for some more imput.

He wants to help me, because I've shut down but I am almost feeling like I don't want it.

[clefairy]

Hi confusedandscared,

 

It sounds like you already have your mind made up about your marriage. You are both unhappy and in an unhealthy relationship. You have both cheated/are cheating on each other, and yet you stay together. He is being insecure and slightly controlling with checking your social media, because of his cheating and your past experiences.

 

Do you want to save your marriage (if it's possible...)? It's going to be extremely hard. It's going to be a lot of work. I believe you should stop your "sexting relationship" ASAP, as it tends to jade your thinking. Either choice you make - staying with him or divorcing, quit that other relationship now.

 

Divorce is terrifying, I agree. It was one of the hardest decisions that I have ever made in my life. You are unhappy, what steps can you make to being happier? More counseling? Divorce? Continuing the way it is with cheating on both sides?

[sandylee1]

I think divorce is the better option here. You married when you were unsure, he was cheating even before marriage, his constant checking up, shows that he thinks you'll do what he did.. Until you did.

 

You also married quite young and don't have much in common with him. Before you both carry on cheating and hating each other, you need to part company.

[NTV]

Are there kids?

[Confusedandscared1]

@Ntv No kids in the situation

Edited January 31, 2017 by Confusedandscared1

[Mr. Lucky]

I guess I'm looking for some more input.

 

It always interests me when people in your situation think someone/something else put them there. The state "promoted" your wedding, you "don't know how" sexting got started, you "feel less motivated", etc.

 

The reality is, life has choices and those choices have consequences. Marrying a serial cheater, involving yourself in serial EA/PA's, engaging in counseling while you're still unfaithful - all ingredients in this mess you've created. So it goes without saying, having boxed yourself in, only you can get yourself out.

 

Were it me, I'd separate while you figure this out. I'd also drop Mr. Sext, hopefully you see he's only adding to the problem. And then I'd work with a good therapist to understand why these lousy choices and where do I want to go from here. You seem to get validation from your job so your short-term focus might be on your career. Once you get some clarity, the future of your marriage might be more easily determined. Doesn't sound like either of you ever gave it much chance, not unusual at 20 years old.

 

The best person to take charge of and be responsible for your life is you. Time to live a more authentic and honest version...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

Agreed. You've made some bad choices and created quite a mess...

 

Now, it's time to make some difficult decisions and get yourself out of this mess. Your relationship is very unhealthy. You are young, with the opportunity to find something better. Don't waste too much time staying in an unhealthy relationship... Consider this a learning experience and do better in the future.

[d0nnivain]

You knew going in that this was not a good marriage. Now before you have kids is the best time to end things.

 

 

You two don't trust each other. Neither one of you are particularly invested in being faithful. You are incompatible in a number of ways.

 

 

Just be done with it already.

[Confusedandscared1]

Thank you for your insight Mr. Lucky. Let me clarify a few things, I actually hadn't been unfaithful during our counseling. It was after counseling that I found his kik and then I had met a friend and yes it turned into a sexting relationship. I was not pushing blame on any others or anything , I know my choices have gotten me here. I have started individual therapy once again.

[Mr. Lucky]

When divorce was brought up in became severely terrified and sad but I felt maybe a little relief??

 

Unless you're a sociopath, there's an emotional price to be paid when we're living less than honestly. Lies, deceit and fear of being caught all are stressful and take a toll and I'd guess that anxiety contributes to your uncertainty over the future.

 

The truth really can set you free. Glad to hear you're resuming therapy, hopefully will lead you to understand there's a different life out there than the one you've been living...

 

Mr. Lucky