Can't forgive myself

[Blackbears1]

It's been 2.5 years since I made out with someone else and I can't forgive myself. I never confessed.

 

Since then, I've gotten engaged and thank God every day for the second chance I've been given. But I hate myself every day for doing something to hurt the love of my life. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm tired of all of the energy I've devoted to thinking about it.

 

Can anyone empathize?

[katielee]

First step to self forgiveness is confession. Been there.

[Guildford]

If all you did was make-out, you should forgive yourself and move on with your primary relationship. I can not believe how many people on LS are racked with guilt or extreme jealousy over a kiss or a light make-out assume there was no intercourse or oral sex. If your fiancee is not aware of what happened then let it slide and move on with your life.

[Mr. Lucky]

I But I hate myself every day for doing something to hurt the love of my life. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm tired of all of the energy I've devoted to thinking about it.

 

Blackbears1, some would see this as a fairly minor lapse and yet you're preoccupied with it, obviously it weighs heavily on your mind.

 

Why do you think that is ?

 

One might guess there's something about the event - the setting, person or your conduct - that bothers you as much as the kiss itself. Understanding why it happened might help you decide the best way to move forward.

 

You might consider talking to someone professionally about how you're feeling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

It's been 2.5 years since I made out with someone else and I can't forgive myself. I never confessed.

 

Since then, I've gotten engaged and thank God every day for the second chance I've been given. But I hate myself every day for doing something to hurt the love of my life. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm tired of all of the energy I've devoted to thinking about it.

 

Can anyone empathize?

 

Since you're only worried about yourself and how you feel - you shouldn't get married.

 

Try honesty with the gal. That's a good place to start. Try thinking of her feelings and how she feels.

 

Your feelings don't matter - your feelings is what got you into this mess.

 

Try thinking of yourself less and her more.

[LargoLagg]

It's been 2.5 years since I made out with someone else and I can't forgive myself. I never confessed.

 

Since then, I've gotten engaged and thank God every day for the second chance I've been given. But I hate myself every day for doing something to hurt the love of my life. It was the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm tired of all of the energy I've devoted to thinking about it.

 

Can anyone empathize?

There are tons of people who think they empathize with you, but they won't help you since you already know how you feel. They are mostly going to tell you to confess. Maybe it's the right thing to do. I doubt it's helpful.

 

The people who can help you best in another way will simply ask you what the big deal is. What's the big deal?

 

Look at it this way - you're dating this person. For whatever reason, you lock lips and taste tongues with someone else. I'd guess it was someone you didn't know or didn't know very well or very long, just based on the way you're carrying on about it. That part really doesn't matter. Then, after, you feel this total remorse. This is where I lose you.

 

Do you feel bad because of how your beloved might feel? Or do you feel bad because this revealed something about you that you don't respect?

 

If it's about how the other person might feel if they knew, if you betrayed them and that was the real crime, then you just need to forget about it. You got away with it. Let it go for everybody's sake. In the land of relationships, you ran a red light and didn't get into an accident. Nobody got killed or maimed. No big deal and nothing came of it. You seem sufficiently remorseful that you probably won't do it again, and if this experience is the price of being a faithful partner in marriage, then it's worth the price of admission. Lesson learned. Move on.

 

Now, if it is bothering you because you didn't believe you were capable of such treachery, then you simply need to welcome yourself to the human race. In one way or another, most of us are capable of horrible, horrible things. Forgive yourself.

 

The next question you need to deal with is if you liked it or not. If you did something that you regret, and you think it makes you a bad person, then forgive yourself and don't do it again. Over and done.

 

But if you realize that you're not only capable but enjoyed it because it was bad, and that reality makes you self-loathing, then that's another issue. In that case, you have real problems, and you probably shouldn't bring somebody else into this marriage without them knowing.

 

I have no idea how you feel.

[KatieLaw]

I've been on both sides. My boyfriend (now husband )got into a huge fight at our friend's apartment and it was somehow decided that I would spend the night in their guest room. He came in, it was the middle of the night, major make-out session, then she came in and broke things up.

 

To my dying day, I will feel ashamed and sorry for what she saw that night. No woman should see something like that. My boyfriend forgave me pretty quickly, maybe because I was 100% honest about my horrible choices. That was 28 years ago and I self-corrected that very day.

 

Then, 10 years ago, my husband got out of control at a conference and did dirty-dancing, etcetera, at an out-of-town conference and took some horrible, mate-poacher out to several bars before she revealed her true agenda: she wanted a husband with a steady paycheck. He realized his error and also self-corrected.

 

It sounds like you are in our boat. My hope for you is that you learn. You screwed up but learned from your actions. Learn and move on. Trust me: you don't ever have to repeat that bad choice.

[Blackbears1]

There are tons of people who think they empathize with you, but they won't help you since you already know how you feel. They are mostly going to tell you to confess. Maybe it's the right thing to do. I doubt it's helpful.

 

The people who can help you best in another way will simply ask you what the big deal is. What's the big deal?

 

Look at it this way - you're dating this person. For whatever reason, you lock lips and taste tongues with someone else. I'd guess it was someone you didn't know or didn't know very well or very long, just based on the way you're carrying on about it. That part really doesn't matter. Then, after, you feel this total remorse. This is where I lose you.

 

Do you feel bad because of how your beloved might feel? Or do you feel bad because this revealed something about you that you don't respect?

 

If it's about how the other person might feel if they knew, if you betrayed them and that was the real crime, then you just need to forget about it. You got away with it. Let it go for everybody's sake. In the land of relationships, you ran a red light and didn't get into an accident. Nobody got killed or maimed. No big deal and nothing came of it. You seem sufficiently remorseful that you probably won't do it again, and if this experience is the price of being a faithful partner in marriage, then it's worth the price of admission. Lesson learned. Move on.

 

Now, if it is bothering you because you didn't believe you were capable of such treachery, then you simply need to welcome yourself to the human race. In one way or another, most of us are capable of horrible, horrible things. Forgive yourself.

 

The next question you need to deal with is if you liked it or not. If you did something that you regret, and you think it makes you a bad person, then forgive yourself and don't do it again. Over and done.

 

But if you realize that you're not only capable but enjoyed it because it was bad, and that reality makes you self-loathing, then that's another issue. In that case, you have real problems, and you probably shouldn't bring somebody else into this marriage without them knowing.

 

I have no idea how you feel.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this lengthy comment! Your words helped me more than you know