Don't know how to do it post 5th and final breakup

[Larafinal]

I am very ashamed to admit I am a WS. I got involved with a single coworker that progressed from an emotional affair to a physical. It lasted a little over 3 years.It felt like a real relationship even though I knew it was an escape for me. I tried to break it up 4 times but the last, 5th time has so far lasted the longest and I am not going back.

 

I've come a long way in understanding why this affair started and my projections in my need to escape from a religious life I had experienced a huge trauma with and a fantasy for a different life. I need to work on myself constantly to retrain my thinking and be present and not escape even mentally. My H doesn't know. I know that many of you will jump on me from hiding it from him, but if I would tell him it would utterly destroy him. We are financially struggling alot, and there is no way a divorce would work. Our kids lives will be affected in such a terrible way. In a religious insular community the fallout is severe and it wouldn't just reflect on me and my errant actions

 

I have had a major operation and before that was chronically ill and this was what gave me the distance from the physical to clearly see what I was doing to myself to finally break up. I always felt guilty, I just buried it under all the justifications I gave myself.

 

I know I deserve alot of condemnation for getting into this, the sad thing I realised, is that all the things you tried to escape getting into a affair, is still sitting there waiting for you when you finally turn your back as well as the mountainload of shame for betraying someone who has stood by you for many years. I still need to work out my issues on not wanting to lead a religious life when it would affect my kids who are being raised that way.

 

I broke up over 4 weeks ago but the complete NC has now been 10 days now. My H is putting pressure on me to be a real wife again as I had ceased intimacy for months already due to the operation and illness but he wasn't aware I had started already with the AP.

 

While I know I am still in the affair fog with all the topsy turvy emotions and grief, I have no idea how I will be intimate with my H when I am not attracted to him at all and already for years our life in that way was sub par. We have very different intimate styles and this was something that I knew in giving up the affair, I knew I would never have again. I realise I sound like a whiny person here but I am really looking for advice how to be together with my H again in the next month when I am not attracted to him at all.

 

Thank you .

[lemondrop21]

It sounds like you feel trapped in your marriage due to religion and finances. Do you love your husband? Do you otherwise what to stay in your marriage?

 

Regarding your religion - given that you feel conflicted about it in relation to your own life, do you know with certainty that it's what you want for your children? Do you worry that you will the same ambiguity and confusion that you do, as adults? Sorry if that seems like a leading question, I am truly curious.

[Larafinal]

It sounds like you feel trapped in your marriage due to religion and finances. Do you love your husband? Do you otherwise what to stay in your marriage?

 

Regarding your religion - given that you feel conflicted about it in relation to your own life, do you know with certainty that it's what you want for your children? Do you worry that you will the same ambiguity and confusion that you do, as adults? Sorry if that seems like a leading question, I am truly curious.

 

Its not so simple to change mid-life when you have kids in the picture who are being raised in religious schools. I have been to IC and we discussed how I am making a choice to look religious and be religious for my kids' sake now. What will be in the future is another thing. My H went through the same trauma with me but wasn't as affected. For me, it was a complete de-identification of everything I had believed in and changed me completely. On the outside though, I look the same. Yes, seeming my kids getting older and taking on the religious practices does confront me and I have to remind myself this is my choice. This was why my affair was so addictive as it gave me the chance to act like I really wanted to live, complete in 3D.

 

OTOH, my H has tried to be open minded about my changes. When we were on holiday, I did things I wouldn't normally do. However, it is limited. H has no idea I have done things he certainly wouldn't want me to, and of course not that I crossed the line totally. In making the decision not to tell him, I do eventually want to be more honest that I have done things behind his back as far as not religious stuff but I don't want to do that until I have put more effort into my marriage and showing I am willing to be more intimate is the beginning of that. Being completely honest how agnostic I have become is a betrayal on it's own. Our marriage atm wouldn't survive that. I am still in the affair fog. I know that I care deeply for my husband but I am still grieving the love I felt for the AP. I realise the changes post trauma meant a gap in our marriage that we both didn't work to heal.

 

Yes, I guess if money wasnt a issue, I may consider divorce. But I have a sibling who did that and the one child they share is leading a double life and I fear for her emotionally. I love my children dearly, I do not want to put them thru that. I know that some of them will be affected by my lack of devotion even if they don't know it all.

[GoldenR]

By not telling your H what you've done, you've taken away his choice to decide if he still wants to be with you. Rationalizing that you're not telling him bc you don't want to hurt him.....maybe you haven't realized it, but you already have, he just doesn't know it yet. The longer you wait to tell him, the more it will hurt him. And if he finds out thru other means than you, then you will really know emotional pain (for him and you) like never before.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you don't wanna be with him anyway, so if you're really stuck on not telling him, do him a favor and divorce him.

[drifter777]

You should get this thread moved to OM/OW forum. The betrayed spouses over here don't need to read this stuff.

[Wade Lamare]

I am very ashamed to admit I am a WS. I got involved with a single coworker that progressed from an emotional affair to a physical. It lasted a little over 3 years.It felt like a real relationship even though I knew it was an escape for me. I tried to break it up 4 times but the last, 5th time has so far lasted the longest and I am not going back.

 

I've come a long way in understanding why this affair started and my projections in my need to escape from a religious life I had experienced a huge trauma with and a fantasy for a different life. I need to work on myself constantly to retrain my thinking and be present and not escape even mentally. My H doesn't know. I know that many of you will jump on me from hiding it from him, but if I would tell him it would utterly destroy him. We are financially struggling alot, and there is no way a divorce would work. Our kids lives will be affected in such a terrible way. In a religious insular community the fallout is severe and it wouldn't just reflect on me and my errant actions

 

I have had a major operation and before that was chronically ill and this was what gave me the distance from the physical to clearly see what I was doing to myself to finally break up. I always felt guilty, I just buried it under all the justifications I gave myself.

I know I deserve alot of condemnation for getting into this, the sad thing I realised, is that all the things you tried to escape getting into a affair, is still sitting there waiting for you when you finally turn your back as well as the mountainload of shame for betraying someone who has stood by you for many years. I still need to work out my issues on not wanting to lead a religious life when it would affect my kids who are being raised that way.

 

I broke up over 4 weeks ago but the complete NC has now been 10 days now. My H is putting pressure on me to be a real wife again as I had ceased intimacy for months already due to the operation and illness but he wasn't aware I had started already with the AP.

 

While I know I am still in the affair fog with all the topsy turvy emotions and grief, I have no idea how I will be intimate with my H when I am not attracted to him at all and already for years our life in that way was sub par. We have very different intimate styles and this was something that I knew in giving up the affair, I knew I would never have again. I realise I sound like a whiny person here but I am really looking for advice how to be together with my H again in the next month when I am not attracted to him at all.

Thank you .

 

Just a few points Lara, you may already be aware of this but.....

 

In many of these cases there is, or was, very little wrong with the marriage in actuality, and a good chat with your spouse or with an MC could have sorted out these problems.

 

You mentioned one of the key words yourself which is why I bolded it, justifications. In many cases these justifications have very little truth in reality and have been amped up over the course of the affair to 'justify' your poor decision making.

 

An example from this very forum (which I found to be a little heart breaking) is a couple who were attending MC after the wife's infidelity. As one of her justifications the WS mentioned that they never did anything together as a couple or as a family. At this the husband dug out photo albums which chronicled the many trips, excursions and adventures he had gone on with the children, and mentioned the times he had asked her out. The WS broke down in tears when she realised that on each of those occasions she had claimed to be too busy but had used that time to hook up with her AP, exposing yet another justification as pure fabrication.

 

You've had three years to justify your behaviour, three years of re writing the marriage history to make your hubby the bad guy, three years of rainbows and unicorns sex that your hubby who is involved with the everyday drudgery of married life can't compete with.

 

No wonder you don't feel attracted to him!

 

Seriously, you need to pull your head out your arse, quit the 'boo hoo for me' attitude and start doing some reading.

The info available on this site is probably a good start, and perhaps progress on to some other literature, maybe some of the wiser folk on here can suggest some good reads.

 

If you're not careful Lara you might find you only realise how much you love and desire your husband when it is too late!

[BenchCoach]

Lara, do you intend to tell your husband the truth at any time... maybe at a later date? I agree that you will be robbing him of his choice in determining his own future within the marriage.

 

I don't think anyone here is "condemning" in any way. It sounds like they are giving you logical advice concerning your honesty and integrity. The one person that deserves the most from you is your spouse- your husband. You seem to want to skirt around the most important aspect of getting your marriage back on track- honesty and transparency. You aren't willing to show any. Moreover,you can't just will yourself into gaining the attraction for him once more.

 

 

What steps have you taken to keep NC with this OM? What are you doing so you won't fall back into this affair- what's different this time, is what I'm saying?

[Wade Lamare]

In other words;

 

All too often a shoddy marriage is not the reason for a tawdry affair.

 

The tawdry affair is the reason for the shoddy marriage.

[Wade Lamare]

Lara, do you intend to tell your husband the truth at any time... maybe at a later date? I agree that you will be robbing him of his choice in determining his own future within the marriage.

 

I don't think anyone here is "condemning" in any way. It sounds like they are giving you logical advice concerning your honesty and integrity. The one person that deserves the most from you is your spouse- your husband. You seem to want to skirt around the most important aspect of getting your marriage back on track- honesty and transparency. You aren't willing to show any. Moreover,you can't just will yourself into gaining the attraction for him once more.

 

 

What steps have you taken to keep NC with this OM? What are you doing so you won't fall back into this affair- what's different this time, is what I'm saying?

 

Depends what you mean by 'at a later date'.

 

I think it is very cowardly and underhand when a WS confesses to their spouse many many years later, perhaps when they are older and retired, or as I've heard of when their spouse is in their deathbed.

 

Also, one of the problems with confessing years later is that you can get a disconnect between the spouses.

The WS has had years to come to terms with the affair and may even, now regard their AP with a degree of loathing. The affair is old news for them and they have reconnected with their spouse and love them dearly. The only thing left for them to do is ease their conscience by confessing.

They are then dismayed when their loyal spouse takes the news very badly. "How can they be so upset about something that happened so long ago?" "Don't they realise I love them dearly now and would never stray again?"

They fail to realise that the affair is something they have had years to get over but to their spouse it happened 'today'.

[Friskyone4u]

Lara,

 

Understand something, the reason people tell you to confess to your husband is NOT to condemn you. And you have already been given some reasons to do that, which right now I am sure you will reject. That is because right now it is still all about you. That is also not unusual.

 

Now, it appears your bhusband is starting to get concerned ( I'll use that word instead of suspiscious) because of your lack of intimacy and sex. By the way SEX is a mans primary need so if you are not able to fake it you have a big problem headed your way even without the OM in the picture.

 

You have relapsed into this affair 4 times now and your husband is in a contest that he cannot win and that he has no idea he is in. Affair sex has none of the boring aspects of everyday life. Just the excitement of something illicit and fun. How do you expect you ever regain any desire for your husband when you are pining and "grieving" for OM.

 

Your OM is NOT going to let go. He wants sex from you and will keep testing you until he is CONVINCED he gets no more sex. And you are not there yet, or rather he is not just because you are NC for a few days.

 

You are saying your husband would be devastated. Yup, you are probably correct. And he is going to be more devastated if he catches you because you continue to refuse to be intimate with him or if he senses, which he does, that something is amiss. You can read the literature but your chances of staying married if caught are much greater ( no guarantees) if you confess everything rather than if you get caught.

 

Lara, there is no easy way out for you. Yes, you can suck it up, and have this "secret" for years and be miserable, and I am sure some do that. But your track record of staying away from this guy is not great so your chances of remaining married with the way you feel are probably not great either.

 

You have already been given the moral reasons why what you are doing by not being honest with your husband is not the right thing. Eventually, you might do what is right.

 

But in the meantime, once your surgery is healed and OM keeps after you, you will not gain some sexual feeling for hubby when you have transferred all your lust to another man.

Hope you work it out.

[road]

If you truly want to end this affair you must leave that job. Your affair kept restarting because you did not have NC with the OM.

[Mr. Lucky]

My H is putting pressure on me to be a real wife again as I had ceased intimacy for months already due to the operation and illness but he wasn't aware I had started already with the AP.

 

Your post is filled with the same spin and rationalization you've used to justify your affair all along. One small example is the illness which prevents sex with your husband but not your AP.

 

Interesting that the same religious pressures you cite preventing divorce and disclosure don't seem to affect infidelity. Didn't know God's law could be so selectively enforced...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lobe]

I am not attracted to him at all.

 

I gotta ask... why?

 

Did your beliefs change before or after the affair? Did you lose God because you needed to not be condemned to hell for your actions, or did you realize that there was probably no hell so you should go ahead and have an affair?

 

I personally would not be comfortable letting my kids go to a religious school without having the freedom to present them with alternatives to creationism. Have you told your BH about your feelings regarding religion? I think THAT is a far bigger fish for frying than your affair is right now - that's a dealbreaker for a lot of people. I'll wait for a response before weighing in on a course of action...

[aliveagain]

I guess three years in an affair was enough time to over rule your religious beliefs. Infidelity is a deadly sin in almost every religion. I believe it is in the Bible twice as a deadly sin, once for doing it and once for thinking about doing it. Your husband has no idea that you sacrificed your relationship with him by making another man your priority, he may even think your relationship problems are his fault. Maybe the best thing you can do for him is set him free.

[Larafinal]

I lost my belief in the religion post the trauma but it took some years before I fully recognized it within myself. Thr affair happened in between the two stages. Yes, my h has been hurt by my actions and he has every right to know and reading your words makes me feel it even more so. Of course you are right . And the good person he is, he deserves the right to divorce me for betraying his trust over so many years.

The affair was everything my marriage was not and I know I've chased my fantasy and had my "fun" outside of marriage where the hard work was going on and where I copped out I know at what a price I've done this all and yes, I still could be vulnerable to going back to the AP but so many things are different this breakup and I know this is what I need and want to do. I have made it final with the AP and he respects my decision .

I have discussed not wanting to be religious with my H and he understands that's it's a choice for me to stay this way as it is for him. The difference is I checked out which is something he would never ever do and is never justified to do that. Ever.

I realize to most of you reading this , you have all experienced the agony of being the BS and it all sounds hollow. I appreciate your responses thank you .

[harrybrown]

Write your H a timeline and details of your A.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

Also tell your AP's significant other. that will help you to keep the NC.

 

How old are your kids? start protecting your H over your fantasy lover.

 

I do not know how you can think that you love your H or your children by cheating on the family. So tell your family about your A.

 

And tell your H with the written timeline. If you did things you would not do for him that you did with the POSOM, let him know how you twisted the knife into his back. and you are now faithful to the AP by not having sex with your H. You really do not love him, so give your H the kids, the house and walk out the door and go live with your AP. But leave your family that you do not love behind.

 

Stop being so selfish and start putting your family first. You H is a much better man that your fantasy AP. He did not cheat with a married woman.

 

If you D and go with your AP, you will not be able to trust him, because he is screwing more women than you. He is hiding that from you.

 

good luck. hope your kids and H find some way thru the hell you are putting them thru.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lara, I have read through your thread and I must say that your whole life including that of your husband and children, is a big lie. By just this one action of yours you have destroyed your own and your family's life completely. What continues to exist is only form and shape with no substance. It is like a rope lying on the ground which has been ignited and slowly smoulders it's way to complete destruction. As long as it is not touched by an outside source it continues to maintain its outward form and shape, but touch it or try to pick it up and it crumbles in your hands. This is your life and that of your family!

As long as you hold your secret within you, you will continue to perpetrate and perpetuate a hoax on your family. I do not know what it was that made you think you were entitled to an affair while being married and why, in your circumstances, you thought that you could do something like this without incurring disastrous consequences. If, as you say you belong to a rigid religious sect( Orthodox Jews or an Orthodox Christian sect?), you knew that the repercussions of indulging in an affair would be akin to committing social and communal suicide. Yet you were brazen enough to go ahead with it without batting an eye lid. Well, if you had the courage to jump into an affair while all the while being aware of the consequences that you would incur, then you should have the courage to confess to your husband and set him free.

If you think that by hiding the fact of your affair you are protecting your husband and family then get that erroneous notion out of your head. You are only protecting yourself. In the process you are doing the greatest disservice to your family. Guess you only know which path you want to travel on. Best of luck!

[Friskyone4u]

Lara,

 

Again I;ll suggest to you.

 

The surest way for you to stay out of re-entering this affair is to confess. Because then you will be fighting for your marriage instead of "pining" for fantasyland.

 

If you read this and any other forums you want to, this' fog" thing perpetuates itself and you can count on in most cases when these WW post, they are totally complimentary about what a wonderful person, husband, and father the BH is.

 

The fog and missing the affair goes away rather quickly once they know BH has either seen an attorney or is about to. Then the rubber hits the road and it becomes no fun any more.

 

This OM knows that eventually the right words or a bad day for you will get him in your pants again. If you really want to end it, your husband will help you if he gets the chance.

 

But right now you are keeping your options open by keeping your little secret. But understand, ONS is easy not to get caught. Eventually most do get caught, even in cases like yours, and all it takes is once.

[Jersey born raised]

Both you and your husband have problems with intimacy. The balance of love, respect, and lust is a difficult one. You are becoming aware you can be experience lust and enjoy it. Yet you are terrified to be open with your husband. Your husband i would bet big deals with the same issues.

 

Why hasn't he kneed you buttocks, squeeze them, tell you how hot you are? His fear you would reject him and say I am not that type of woman you are a prever. You OM knows this is and is only with you to use you.

 

Perhaps a good MC will help.

[OneLov]

I am really looking for advice how to be together with my H again in the next month when I am not attracted to him at all.

 

I'd give the person who would attempt to put a square peg in a round hole the same advice--you can't.

 

Start by being honest with yourself. What do you want? Is it a loving relationship with your husband? If so, I would begin a conversation.

 

I would try to recognize the split in your thoughts and feelings. How can you live a lifestyle you don't subscribe to? How can you be with someone who you aren't attracted to?

 

Authenticity leads you to happiness. If you are honest with yourself and him, you can both then attempt to begin authenic relationship again. If you believe this can't be salvaged, you must find out who you are. But be honest with yourself and you will start feeling better.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Both you and your husband have problems with intimacy. The balance of love, respect, and lust is a difficult one. You are becoming aware you can be experience lust and enjoy it. Yet you are terrified to be open with your husband. Your husband i would bet big deals with the same issues.

 

Why hasn't he kneed you buttocks, squeeze them, tell you how hot you are? His fear you would reject him and say I am not that type of woman you are a prever. You OM knows this is and is only with you to use you.

 

Perhaps a good MC will help.

 

The religion aspect may be bigger than she says. Her husband may not allow her to be so sexual. There are some very conservative religions and lifestyles out there - Amish, Orthodox, etc. It may change the answers here. We do not know the culture of this couple. I have a feeling it is a lot more involved than a Catholic school education and Sunday mass.

[Lois_Griffin]

Y'all have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of the OP getting honest with her husband and confessing to him - or writing up a timeline for him.

 

Ain't happening.

 

Whether she wants to admit it or not, cheaters are just about the most selfish people on this planet, that ain't news. And while she tries to paint herself as being altruistic for not confessing to her husband "because it would devastate him," the truth is, she's just looking out for number #1 and doesn't want to have to pay the consequences for her behavior.

 

It sounds as though the affair simply ran it's course and ran out of steam. Eventually, it gets to the point where the risk is no longer worth the reward. So again, nothing altruistic going on here. It's just like driving a car and getting the use out of it until it runs out of gas. Same principle. And when you've engaged in deceit of this magnitude for 3 straight years, it's pretty obvious the only one who matters is Number #1.

 

And that's why her husband will never get the truth from her. Not in this lifetime, and probably not in the next.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Lois_Griffin

[Lobe]

Larafinal, I wish the single OM would tell your husband. You're protecting yourself, not him. You're not over your AP and by the sounds of it are planning on doing the long con - spend a few months trying your hardest to save your marriage only to boo hoo fail (and let your BH down easy) so that you can end up back with Plan B.

 

Also, I think you need to be crystal clear with your husband about your stance on religion - this is a HUGE dealbreaker for a lot of people and you pussyfooting around it is every bit as disingenuous as what sounds like a fake attempt at reconciling. I don't think you can save things with your husband - do everyone a favour (including yourself) and file for divorce. Then you're free to start a new relationship and to find your own spiritual path.