Can a man be in love with "the other woman"?

[she26]

So, I just found out that my husband has an affair. I am very disappointed, my heart got broken into million pieces...

It's not like I am extra surprised about it because I had some suspicions. He changed, he shows less interest towards me and our marriage. The one thing that haven't changed is relationship with our 1 yo son.

I can tell he always put him first. I had a feeling that something is not right, mostly because he's all the time on his phone, he unexpectedly disappears for an hour or two, he always coming back with loads of shopping so I believed his lies that he just go out to the market and meet his boys. Well I fully trusted him and it never crossed my mind that MY HUSBAND will EVER have an affair. I thought he's happy with me, he married me for a reason, right... We got married in 2013 after 3 years of on and off relationship. He was 26 and I was 23. A year later I got pregnant with our beautiful son. He was so happy, I was so happy, our families were happy...

 

Everything seemed to be so perfect, but it wasn't... which I'll explain below.

Few days ago he was getting ready to go out (as I soon found out it was HER 28th birthday). He told me where he's going (his colleague's birthday party), I mentioned that I want to go with him but he refused saying that he's not gonna stay long and there's no point for me to go. When he was getting ready I had an access to his phone, he was rushing and in total excitement, he left his phone unlocked on the table so I quickly grabbed it as he went to the bathroom and what I found out was horrendous. I finally had a proof he's cheating on me. I didn't have time to go through all those messages so I emailed its history to myself. My hands were shaking and I was in total shock. I felt sick and I instantly started crying. I put his phone back on the table and went to our bedroom, laid down and cried like a baby. Once he left, I started reading their conversations. I've read it all, tones of texts... First one was from 2013!!! Just weeks after our wedding..... But it wasn't the first time they spoke, they met for the first time in 2010 and they've been dating for 6 months! It was a beginning of our relationship. Then she moved to another country and they haven't been in touch until 2013 after our wedding. He told her he was always attracted to her and he got pissed when she moved out. He also said he always kept her in his mind... They met at that time and continued to see each other for few weeks then she moved to another place again and they lost contact. They reunited few months later and now regularly seeing each other since 2014.

 

So it's been two years now they "date" behind my back. 2 f years! He's so nice to her, he admirers her, he fancy her, he desires her.... Reading the chat history was so painful that I couldn't even finish reading some of the messages, they got so intimate, they're having like a best sex ever, things they do....He never done it with me, the way he talk to her, the names he calls her, the things he TELLS her! They know everything about each other, I don't know if its still an affair, for me it's a relationship. They meet everyday during his lunch breaks at work, in the evenings on the walks with our son, he goes shopping with her, he's helping her with everything and I can tell she's so important to him...

 

I'm devastated, how could I not notice anything for so long! I love him, I trusted him with all my heart, I thought that's a true love and we're gonna be together forever.

She's very attractive and seem confident but nice, she runs her own business, I constantly wonder what she has that I don't have. I'm a successful woman too, we travel a lot, we have passionate intercourses, we are happy... What's wrong with me? I haven't confronted him just yet, I don't even know where to begin. He was lying to me for so many years, can he be in love with two women at once? Should I stay or should I leave... I am so confused and I don't know what to do....

Edited July 27, 2016 by she26
grammatical mistake

[cozycottagelg]

Oh my gosh this is devastating.

 

Is she single?

[l8estnews]

Hi,

 

I have been a lurker of this forum for quite a while but after reading your story, I just can't help but comment on it. I know this must be a devastating news for you. You need to gather up strength and comfront your "soon-to-be-ex" husband. Yes, I have said it because there is NO WAY you can mend him.

 

You are 23 yo. You still have a life ahead of you despite this. Run as early as now. Far far away from this guy. I know you still love him but, hey, he's totally into the other woman. File for divorce AND child support.

 

Best of luck.

[CarrieT]

Is she single?

It doesn't matter, does it?

 

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. To answer your Thread Title Question, yes - a man can be in love with "the other woman" but I don't think that is the core of what you are dealing with right now, but the abject pain and betrayal you are experiencing.

 

I think what you are really wondering is if he loved you enough, would he have done what he did or is his love for this other woman enough to drive him to lie to you so much before, during, and after your wedding...

 

Please know that we are here for you and many of us have gone through what you are experiencing. Only you can decide for yourself if you want your marriage to continue, but there will be no question you will have to expose him, the affair, and have what is known as a "D-Day". Print out everything you have found so that he doesn't call you a liar.

 

Personally, I would not stay in a marriage that is rife with this much deceit. It has gone way beyond a one-night stand, but is as long as your own relationship. I would tell your family and I would tell his. Gain strength from those around you as you will need the support system.

 

Know that you are NOT alone!

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry. What an awful betrayal.

 

I don't think you're asking the right question. Don't ask if he can love two women at once to hold on to hope that he still loves you. Ask if this man is capable of loving you or anyone the way you deserve. I would worry a lot more about his character and less about his feelings.

[standtall]

She26,,,such terrible news. i cannot imagine your pain and betrayal.

 

Look this marriage is DOA...you have invested little time with it, and you deserve better. When you get done being staggered, rip the band aid off and move on.

[Noirek]

How did you email years of text messages to yourself? That would be a uselful trick to have.

[burnt]

In most of the stories of OW (Other Women), I get the feeling that the MM (Married Men) cheated because they were bored and in need of ego boost, but do genuine love their wives and want to fix the marriage they are already in.

 

In your case, I'm so sorry to have to say that it sounds like he was and is still in love with this other woman BEFORE he even met you. It sounds like he married you simply because he didn't want to be alone and couldn't be with who he really loved. It sounds like, to him YOU were the other woman from the start.

 

I cannot even begin to imagine the level of betrayal you are feeling. This is not a man who cheated on you; this is a man who was using you from the very start of his relationship with you.

 

In most of the adultery cases in this forum, I feel that the man really does love his wife but has weak character. In your case, EVEN if he apologizes and promises to change, please do NOT reconcile. You are only 23 years old. You deserve to be with a man who actually is in love with you.

[JewelD]

No, I don't think a person having a relationship with two different people can truly love either one of them. When you're honestly in love with someone, you wouldn't want anyone else.

 

If he was in love with either one of you, he'd be able to choose. Don't compare yourself to the other woman. I'm assuming she knows he's married. She's a knowing and willing side chick. There is no confidence there, no woman with self respect would accept that position.

 

Idk your financial/living situation, but I would definitely leave. If you want, you can choose to work on it at some other point in time, but I think you need to get away for awhile and be around family and friends who can support you.

[seren]

I am so very sorry you are going through this, it is devastating to have total trust in someone only to find they have been lying. I think most of us who have experienced infidelity are blindsided, simply because they show us they love us and we trust when they say they are working or shopping. The breaking of trust is such a huge thing.

 

You need to sit down and tell him you know and you need to try to have a, what's next in your mind. Do you stay and try to work it out, as a reconciled XBS it can work, ir is damned hard, but it can be good again. Only you can answer if you can , we all think we would do this or that, but until a person lives it, no one can ever understand the feelings involved.

That he met her while taking your son out for a walk would piss me off so much.

 

Now, can a man be in love with the OW? I would say yes, of course. But, I would also add that an affair is very different to most relationships simply because they are hidden and so have an element of excitement each time. I would also say that many people are able to compartmentalise, in that his life with you is one thing, his affair another and never the twain shall meet. Most of us have experienced our spouses pulling away during the affair, my H said he had to to tell himself our marriage was over. Only when he told me and I told him to go and be with her if that is what he wanted did reality bite his bum.

 

Until you speak to him about it, you will tie yourself inside out. I would make a list of all you want to ask and all you need to happen.

My take is this. If a person loves another then they want to be with them, all the time, they want to shout it out from the rooftops and they cannot pretend.

 

I hope you can speak with someone you trust, to cry, shout whatever you need. Maybe if your lad could stay with a family member for a few days while you begin to discuss things. It always ends up heated, no matter how calm a person is. I wish you all the very best. Affairs are crap, they are never, ever right as too many people get hurt. Take good care of you, I will check back to see how thing's are and this forum is so helpful as most of us have been there. xxx much love seren

[ladydesigner]

Yes I believe a man or woman can love their AP and their spouse, but in different worlds carefully compartmentalized. Mostly the WS thinks only of themselves and is not thinking about how it affects the AP or their spouse.

 

My own opinion is that you really can't love another in a healthy way if you do not love yourself (and not like a Narcissist loves themselves kind of way).

 

I'm so sorry for your betrayal

[BuddyX]

I feel for you.

Talk to an attorney asap and keep all the records. Can he love two women? Hell no. You know how you find out? Throw divorce papers on his desk and gauge his reaction.

[NTV]

What are you going to do if he really does love her? Move her in and sleep on the couch? Cook her breakfast in the morning and wash her clothes for her?

 

 

Not trying to be harsh here, but it doesn't really matter if he does or doesn't love this chick because it's obvious that if you want to look back at the age of 60 and think about the "great love of your life", he won't even be in the running. He lost that race within a month of your marriage, apparently.

 

 

I have been betrayed in my marriage too, so I know the pain you're feeling. For me what helped the most was writing in a journal. Followed by anti-depressants, exercise, and getting enough sleep.... all things geared towards fighting situational depression.

 

 

I know how the negative emotions can take control right now and how easy it is to sink into being a puddle on the floor. You've got to show your kid how to deal with this kinda crap in the right way. They might not be old enough to see more than daddy did something bad and mommy is mad, but seeing HOW you behave when upset teaches them how they should behave, you know?

[Lady2163]

OP

 

At this time you have two choices with many different avenues.

 

1. Stay

2. Leave (or make him leave)

 

Also....

1. Confront

2. Don't confront

 

You are young. He's kind of young. I really didn't get great communication skills and start reading people (in real life) worth a damn until after age 35. And I'm educated, worldly, experienced etc.

 

One thing I would advise against is confronting and then insisting on an immediate separation without a time frame in place. It's one thing to confront and then say: "I'm taking the baby and going to my mother's. We will be back Friday at 5:00 PM. I need to think about this, you need to think about this. I don't want to see you or talk to you. You can come see the baby at XYZ time. Then don't be there when he is.

 

However, that is still capable of being perceived as abandonment. Yes, yes he is in the wrong, but taking a break when you're a grown up is kind of lousy.

 

The thing is because he loves the other woman and because she loves him If you leave or insist that he leaves without a time frame or plan in place, you are going to create a myriad of emotions in him and without communicating a deadline, one of them could be contempt. Not giving a time frame for something like a "trial" separation is a control tactic. When he reaches emotions negative to you, who will he go to for comfort?

 

If you want to make the marriage work, if you believe he genuinely wants to make the marriage work for both YOU and the baby, then hang in there and take the options and path toward healing.

[she26]

I feel for you.

Throw divorce papers on his desk and gauge his reaction.

 

Too late. He packed and moved to his mom's.

Ok, I need to start from the beginning. I decided to talk to him. After he came from work today I just came up to him as always, gave him food, sat next to him and with a smile asked how was work. We talked a little and then I got quiet ( I was still wondering if I really should say it that I know)... But I did, I don't know wy but for some reason it was very difficult to me to say those words "I know about your affair". He remained silent and made no answer, but he haven't denied. After few seconds of silence he said "I wanted to tell you". I kind of lost control and started yelling at him, he was very calm and waited till i finish, I just asked him why he's not saying anything, "I'm waiting until I'll be able to". I sat down and said "ok, so what do you want to tell me, I'm listening". "I know you're angry and hurt, but the best thing for us is to get divorced". I was like WTF!!! He didn't even want to try work it out! Then he just packed his stuff and left. He said I can always ask him for help and he always will be for me and our son but he can't be with me because there's nothing left. I can't believe it...Is this really over??? I'm speechless, everything happened so quick... I love him, what's next...

 

 

 

And I'm 26:) We got married when I was 23.

[she26]

I feel for you.

Throw divorce papers on his desk and gauge his reaction.

 

Too late. He packed and moved to his mom's.

Ok, I need to start from the beginning. I decided to talk to him. After he came from work today I just came up to him as always, gave him food, sat next to him and with a smile asked how was work. We talked a little and then I got quiet ( I was still wondering if I really should say it that I know)... But I did, I don't know wy but for some reason it was very difficult to me to say those words "I know about your affair". He remained silent and made no answer, but he haven't denied. After few seconds of silence he said "I wanted to tell you". I kind of lost control and started yelling at him, he was very calm and waited till i finish, I just asked him why he's not saying anything, "I'm waiting until I'll be able to". I sat down and said "ok, so what do you want to tell me, I'm listening". "I know you're angry and hurt, but the best thing for us is to get divorced". I was like WTF!!! He didn't even want to try work it out! Then he just packed his stuff and left. He said I can always ask him for help and he always will be for me and our son but he can't be with me because there's nothing left. I can't believe it...Is this really over??? I'm speechless, everything happened so quick... I love him, what's next...

 

 

 

And I'm 26:) We got married when I was 23.

 

 

How did you email years of text messages to yourself? That would be a uselful trick to have.

 

They talked on Whatsapp. There's an option to email chat.

[BuddyX]

You have your answer. He loves one women and it's not you. I really feel for you. He came back with "I wanted to tell you". Wow, that was weak. He's too much of a pu$$y to tell you.

 

You have to start living for you-and your son. No begging, no pleading. Get him hard via your attorney. Make sure every month, when it's time to pay up, it's a nice amount.

 

This will take time. But you're young. Focus on you. Just remember, he gave you no choice. You can't take him back.

[JewelD]

Too late. He packed and moved to his mom's.

Ok, I need to start from the beginning. I decided to talk to him. After he came from work today I just came up to him as always, gave him food, sat next to him and with a smile asked how was work. We talked a little and then I got quiet ( I was still wondering if I really should say it that I know)... But I did, I don't know wy but for some reason it was very difficult to me to say those words "I know about your affair". He remained silent and made no answer, but he haven't denied. After few seconds of silence he said "I wanted to tell you". I kind of lost control and started yelling at him, he was very calm and waited till i finish, I just asked him why he's not saying anything, "I'm waiting until I'll be able to". I sat down and said "ok, so what do you want to tell me, I'm listening". "I know you're angry and hurt, but the best thing for us is to get divorced". I was like WTF!!! He didn't even want to try work it out! Then he just packed his stuff and left. He said I can always ask him for help and he always will be for me and our son but he can't be with me because there's nothing left. I can't believe it...Is this really over??? I'm speechless, everything happened so quick... I love him, what's next...

 

 

 

And I'm 26:) We got married when I was 23.

 

 

 

 

They talked on Whatsapp. There's an option to email chat.

 

 

 

 

Yes, it needs to be over. It'd be one thing if he tried to work it out, but he's quite content to go. Although it's odd that he tells you he wants a divorce only after you've found out.

 

In time, I imagine the novelty of having a side chick will wear off since she won't be the side chick anymore. He may come back to you hoping to work things out.

 

But for now, you should worry about taking care of yourself rather than the relationship. Consider if you need to put him on child support or file divorce papers so you can receive alimony.

[BuddyX]

Yes, it needs to be over. It'd be one thing if he tried to work it out, but he's quite content to go. Although it's odd that he tells you he wants a divorce only after you've found out.

 

In time, I imagine the novelty of having a side chick will wear off since she won't be the side chick anymore. He may come back to you hoping to work things out.

 

But for now, you should worry about taking care of yourself rather than the relationship. Consider if you need to put him on child support or file divorce papers so you can receive alimony.

 

Totally agree. Your case is the exception. Cheating spouses usually beg and plead to stay in marriage. I think he'll still comeback one more time to "work on the marriage". Once Plan A has dried up.

[elaine567]

He was waiting for an excuse to leave, he didn't have the courage to break up with you himself, but as soon as you found out he was gone.

I am so sorry.

 

I think he is right to leave, he is in a massive relationship with her which pre-dates you, I do not think you stand a chance. He would only be staying for his son and where does that leave you? Unloved and with huge trust issues.

 

It doesn't seem like it now but he has done you a big favour. You could have hung in there for years, not knowing about her but being miserable as your relationship fell apart and you would have been wasting your time trying to fix it.

 

See an attorney asap, find out your rights and take every penny he owes you. I know you are shocked but you need to get your head in gear, your son needs you and you are now responsible for his future.

The time for grief is after you have your ducks in a row.

Get your friends and family round you and lean on them. If you do not have friends and family around then seek out a therapist, you will need someone to talk to.

Keep coming here too, you will get lots of support.

Chin up.

[ladydesigner]

(((She26))) I'm so sorry! You don't deserve this! Let him go and find out if this bimbo is the one! You in the meantime just work on detaching and do not let him comeback if he doesn't like his shiny new life!

[she26]

I honestly doubt that he will ever want to come back, loads of thoughts are running through my mind atm, but all I know is that I'm glad it happened now than later. Can you all imagine if he continued lying to me... I'm glad he told me, the way he did it wasn't nice but he didn't lie....I appreciate it even though I'm hurt I need time I guess, I loved him from the beginning, I fell in love with him first.

I know I shouldn't but I analyze situations from the past, maybe I tried too hard to get him.... Why he didn't divorce me when he reunited with that chick, how much easier our lives could be...

 

Yes, I'll see an attorney asap, I know our son is most important now. I am not sure if I'm ready for all this but what can I do. I have no choice, I need to stay strong.

 

That woman must be so happy... Someone asked if she knew about me -yes, but not from the beginning, what I've seen in the messages he didn't tell her he's married, she found out by herself few months after they began to date. I don't know if I really knew him, I know completely different side of him, sweet, polite, loving, caring man heart of gold... Seriously though, why it's so many di*ks out there.

[pteromom]

Ugh I am so sorry.

 

He's probably been telling her that he would tell you and leave you for years, so this is probably a relief to him in some ways.

 

His quick exit shows you where his priorities lie. Unfortunately all you can do now is move forward and make sure that you and your son are well taken care of.

 

Act quickly. Use the guilt he feels right now to negotiate a very good custody and child support deal. Later when it wears off, he will fight harder for his kid - right now, he won't want to take anything else away from you.

 

Sad, but - you have to just power through and do it.

 

I am so very sorry he hurt you like this.

[BuddyX]

To the OP, I know you're angry. Been there, done that.

 

"I could never cheat on anyone. Knowing that you destroyed someone's trust is bad, but destroying their perspective on love is soul crushing".

 

Not all guys are D. But for next time I learned that every little gut feeling, every little red flag in the dating frame means something. If we take off the love goggles while we're dating it's easy to see how Effed up some people are

 

Pulling for you

[Friskyone4u]

26,

 

First, I am sorry this happened to you, and right now you just have to take a deep breath and proceed one day at a time. I hope you have seen an attorney as others have suggested to find out your rights in the jurisdiction where you live.

You need to do that before you do anything else concrete to protect yourself.

 

Be careful . What happens many times in these situations, even if you do not expect it, is that at some point his affair partner and him do not work out and then all of a sudden they have a change of heart, and you in essence become Plan B. Not a good place to be.

 

Get yourself financially squared away, and get the divorce on track. You are a very young woman with your entire life in front of you, and with time you will recover from this. Nothing will work as well as time to heal.

 

You will find support in a forum like this but if you need to and can afford it see a therapist. In your case, there is no real guesswork, which while you may not feel it now, is much better than what many go through, namely being in limbo and stuck for a long time. You did right by confronting as soon as you had proof.

 

Do not beat yourself up about missing any signs. Probably 90% of BS had red flags of some kind and let them go.

 

Hang in there