Should I tell my wife that I cheated?

[jcors]

I have been married to my wife for 2 years, prior to that we dated for 5 years. Lately I have been having trouble with some things that I did in the past. I cheated in the first half of our relationship. During the first 3 years I slept with other women often. Off the top of my head I'd say 30 women. I haven't cheated in 4 years.

 

 

My wife doesn't know that I cheated, though she did have suspicions back in the day. I feel like I need to tell her because she deserves to know and I hate living in fear that she will somehow find out. But I don't want to just dump it all on her, I put cheating in my past and plan to leave it there.

[jen1447]

Seems like chances are slim she'll be able to deal w you having cheated w 30 women, so if you come clean I'd be prepared for it to end. You should still tell her tho imo ....living a lie is never a good thing for anybody.

[alsudduth]

Long story short, I think if it is bothering you that much then you should tell her.....BUT I would recommend you first get into some IC and prepare yourself for all possible outcomes including divorce. Be prepared to lose her.

 

As both a BS and more recently a WS, we each had one indiscretion and I think that made it easier to stay together, but a history of cheating with 30+ women? That would be a deal breaker for me, no matter how good you've been in the last 4 years.

[MightyPen]

I am usually one to say let the past stay in the past (within reason), but this is an extreme case.

 

Yeah, you should tell her, if for no other reason than to keep her from finding out some other way.

 

I don't know who these women were, or if they were scattered all over the place, or if you live in the same area now as you do then, but just from a numbers perspective, and considering the time frame is still pretty recent, I'd think this will catch up to you sooner or later.

 

Some off-handed social media comment or connection could be all it takes and then the house of cards could start tumbling. Has she point blank asked you, "Did you cheat on me?" If so, what did you say?

 

I am guessing you were tested for STDs at some point? That certainly would be a concern as well. For many reasons, you should tell her.

[joyful]

of course, you should tell her. she has the right to know. and you will feel much more secure in what you have going forward if your relationship can get past this.

[standtall]

If you really can put it in the past, the STFU and leave it there. It ain't cheating until you take the vow..IMHO.

[dpass]

Is there a chance that she can find out?

 

Do you have mutual friends that know? Family that knows? Did all these women live in the current city or surrounding area that you currently reside in? Where any of them women that your wife knows? Is there a chance that any of these women got knocked up and they are going to turn up on your door step with a kid?

 

You better have been smart enough to get tested for all STD's. And you really should convince your wife to get tested. It's possible you spread something, even without knowing.

 

Why now? Did one of the women reemerge? Are you having temptations to cheat again? Are you planning children with your wife?

[TrustedthenBusted]

Take it to the grave. She probably did the same thing. You should be prepared for THAT too.

[whichwayisup]

My suggestion is, seek marriage counseling. Go on your own, talk it out with a professional and then ask your wife to join you. I think if you want a true and honest marriage, then do confess to her when you're stronger and ready to face the fallout and cope with her reaction. so you can prove and show her that you are worthy of still being her husband.

[Lady2163]

I have been married to my wife for 2 years, prior to that we dated for 5 years. Lately I have been having trouble with some things that I did in the past. I cheated in the first half of our relationship. During the first 3 years I slept with other women often. Off the top of my head I'd say 30 women. I haven't cheated in 4 years.

 

 

My wife doesn't know that I cheated, though she did have suspicions back in the day. I feel like I need to tell her because she deserves to know and I hate living in fear that she will somehow find out. But I don't want to just dump it all on her, I put cheating in my past and plan to leave it there.

 

Geez, I don't know. My quick reaction is to say no, don't tell her. You weren't married, you don't say if you were engaged or living together. Any of the possible gaslighting you may have done is ancient history. You probably have a much different "normal" now than what your normal was back then.

 

Just be prepared for every scenario if you do decide to tell her.

 

I had a friend inadvertently (but really stupidly and jerkishly) bust me when I was young and playing the field. I really liked this new guy and when I went to introduce them she said, "Oh, you must be Jack. No? Oh, I meant Mark. No?" He asked her if she wanted to try a third time. I was too shocked to cut her off before she said, "Bill?" Yeah. Sam never did date me. I never talked to my friend again about dating or introduced her to any men I was interested in.

[Bufo]

Need a little more history. Were you exclusive during those 3 years? And I'm not referring to romantic wishful thinking. Were you free to see others?

 

If so it's only cheating in retrospect. It wasn't cheating at the time and therefore need not be voluntarily confessed. I wasn't instantly exclusive with my now W at first. Who would be? I still saw other women. I never told her and she never asked. I'd be truthful if she asked but why should she? I haven't asked her and I was worried back then that I might be a rebound. But I wasn't obsessed enough to force her into any exclusivity agreement

 

If you volunteer this information you will have a hard row to hoe to regain trust. If you ever can. She'll rightly assume you are a sex addict poised to cheat at the drop of a hint or panty.

 

Never confess to alleviate guilt. That simply puts the hurt on the other. How would you feel if she confessed to an A or 30 out of the blue?

 

Maybe you were exclusive at some time during those 3 years. A closer case. But again don't confess just to alleviate your guilty feelings. See a counselor instead. Talk it out so you know what you expect and what to expect if you confess.

[SevenCity]

30 is a lot. I'm curious if she would handle that better than one serious one for the same period of time?

 

It sounds to me like you were just horney and sowing some wild oats.

 

You may feel less guilty, but all this will do is hurt her and your marriage.