Heartbroken

[PrettyHateMachine]

Hello, I am new here. I found this forum through google not long after I found out I've been cheated on. I've been lurking for a bit and decided it's time to register and post.

 

I am going to try to make this as short as possible so it doesn't end up being a novel. I have a lot to say though, I really have nobody to talk to and I believe getting this off my chest may help.

 

Some background. I am 31, almost 32. My partner is 35 almost 36. We've been together for 15 years, so that's pretty much half our lives. We have two children. ages 12 and 9. I was 16 when I met him/started dating, he was 20. We moved in together when I was 18 and we had our first child when I was 19. We are not married but live as though we are.

 

He has this friend. He's 10 years older than him but much more immature. He's the kind of person who has always lived off of daddy's money and never grew up past the "frat boy" stage. As long as my partner has known him(a few years) he has never had a steady girlfriend and he hangs out with people who are usually much younger than him(20's) My partner is actually one of his older friends. He does have a daughter but she's grown, about 20 years old. Mentioning this guy is important because his influence has played a big role in everything that's happened. I believe my partner got caught up in his carefree, fun lifestyle and got carried away. This guy has a shop that he uses to work on cars and party. Lots of young girls hanging around there. My partner started spending a lot of time with him.

 

He's been friends with this guy for a few years but really started spending a lot of time with him this winter. Due to my partner's line of work, he does not work during the winter. Normally he spends his winters doing side work or helping my sister's husband out at his business. This winter he didn't do much of anything but hunt, sleep, drink and party with this friend of his. It started out just during the weekend but steadily got to the point where it was almost every day. He would wake up after I went to work, sit around and watch tv, and then when I got home from work and the kids from school he would leave and not return until very late. It got to the point that he saw this friend more than he saw me and his children, and we all live together!

 

Obviously it put a strain on our relationship. We where fighting about it all the time, well as often as he was actually home anyway. We rarely had sex anymore either, maybe once a month. I know he was unhappy about that, he was very vocal over it but he refused to see my side of things. Like how he was never home and I was working and raising two kids and taking care of a house pretty much on my own and I was tired. exhausted. If he could even help with the housework just a little that would be a huge help. Besides how were we supposed to have sex if he was never there?

 

Anyway, I started seeing stuff on facebook that was suspicious. A lot of new friends added, of the young woman variety. Women I didn't know. I Also found comments on status updates of his friend that seemed off. Whenever I would confront him about it He would get mad and deny it. He would never cheat on me! If he wanted someone else he would leave me! Blah blah blah.

 

On april 1st we where out shopping. He mentioned that I needed to hurry because he had plans with his friend. I got angry and we started fighting. He told me he was sick of all the fighting and wanted to end it. He dropped me off at home and took off. He ended up coming home around 2 am and begging me to take him back. He's sorry, he loves me, can't we please try and work it out? please baby lets fix this.....I agreed.

 

Apparently it was only ME who was supposed to do all the work. I was doing well. I had went on anti depressants to quit smoking, but they helped me mentally/emotionally as well. I was eating better and sleeping better and I felt happier and healthier than I had been in years. What a fool I was! I still had my suspicions, and he still wasn't really making an effort to help things...besides declare sunday "family day" so we ended up getting him one day a week. I was trying my hardest to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I kept ignoring my instincts and gut feelings and making excuses.

 

this went on for a bit, then fast forward to April 25th. He was outside. His cell phone was on the kitchen table. He got a text, from a woman. I checked his phone...guessed the passcode on the first try(he's so predictable!) the text was from a woman and she was calling him baby! I scrolled up to read older texts and there was one where she was asking him for money because she had nowhere to stay and she would have to sleep outside. He gave it to her! I checked the rest of his phone. There where more texts to and from more women! All of them flirtatious and obviously he was trying to hook up with them! a lot of them where his friend's shop skanks. There was also a text between him and his friend. Apparently a girl from the shop was coming on to my partner but they had no where to do the deed. My partner said he wanted to get a hotel room but didn't have the money for it. His friend was encouraging him.

 

I confronted him about it and he instantly came clean, he didn't try to deny it, I guess he couldn't with me holding his phone in my hand. He panicked changed his phone number, deleted 90% of the contacts in his phone, deactivated his facebook and sold the truck he had at his friend's shop.

 

In the process of us fighting over this our daughter came home from school. I am not proud of it, I would of preferred she did not witness it, but our emotions where running high and we lost track of what time it was. So now she knows her dad cheated on her mom. My son knows something is up, how can he not? but he doesn't know details.

 

I did not kick him out. I was in shock. I pretty much ignored him. If he would try to talk to me I would walk away. He went to work and then came home and moped on the couch. I hid in our bedroom.

 

I did not tell anyone about this, our families are too close and my family is crazy protective over me. It would cause lots of issues. His mom knows because apparently one of his side chicks is crazy and has a crazy boyfriend and he was afraid she was going to show up and do something...I don't know throw bricks through our windows or whatever, so I had to pull our kids out of school and send them to his mom's for a couple of days. He told my sister's husband because he took him with him to pick up things he left at his friend's shop and he was asking a lot of questions about the changed phone number and why he wasn't friends with that guy anymore. He says he won't tell my sister because he knows the drama it will cause and I believe him because it's been a couple of week, I work for my sister, I see my brother in law every day and he hasn't let on one bit that he knows anything.

 

After a few days I started to talk to him. I asked him about the women. He says the one that asked for money was a woman he picked up off the street! Seriously! He said he saw her walking down the street, picked her up, gave her a ride and then had sex with her! Who does that?! He swears he only had sex with her once.

 

He said there was another woman, the one with the boyfriend. She was an old friend. He saw her walking home from a friends house, gave her a ride(do you see a freaking pattern here?!) and they got to talking and hooked up. He says they had sex twice.

 

He swears he used protection but I don't know if I believe him.

 

He says the other women in his phone where just girls from the shop, he was trying but he never actually got anywhere with them.

 

He begged me for forgiveness and promised never to do it again. I agreed to take him back and try to work it out under a few conditions 1. he get tested for STD's 2. He cut off all contact with all the women and his friend. As far as he's concerned, They don't exist anymore. 3.) He will no longer be giving out rides. I don't care what the situation is....Rain, snow, tornado, zombie apocalypse, whatever I don't care, if they have a vagina they can keep on walking because apparently he has a problem with women in his truck. 4.) He can only hang out with MARRIED MEN. He is not allowed to hang out with or talk to any women whatsoever unless I know and trust them(pretty much family members, that's it) and he is not allowed to go out with his single friends. If he wants to have "bro time" or whatever he can have it with men who are married and I know aren't running around on their wives. 5,) he lets me know where he's going and what he's doing. If I call or text he better answer asap. 6.) the passcode stays off his phone. 7.) no more facebook, I may feel comfortable with him having facebook eventually, but not right now and I don't know if that will ever happen. He used facebook to meet one of the women he was trying to hook up with.

 

He readily agreed to all of these conditions, and he has been keeping to them, but I still can't trust him.

 

Every second I'm not looking at him I panic and worry about where he is going and what he's doing. When I'm at work and he's supposed to be at home I obsessively watch our security camera on my phone to make sure he's home and that he's alone. I don't even know why I think he would have someone at the house, he's dumb but he's not that dumb. It's not like he doesn't know about the camera...but I still obsess over it anyway.

 

What he did is all I think about. It controls my mind. The only time I can relax is when I've had a little to drink. I used to never be a drinker I would drink maybe a couple times a year, but now I find myself slipping vodka into my after work coffee almost daily. I'm not getting falling down obnoxious drunk, the buzz helps relax me...but still I know it's a problem.

 

It just hurts so freaking bad. I've never been in so much pain before, I never thought anything could hurt me like this. I'm a tough girl. I never cry, well I used to never cry. Things usually don't affect me like they affect normal people, I get upset and then get over it and move on. No point in dwelling on hurt feelings and anger right? I just can't do that this time. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

 

The messed up part? I can't stop having sex with him! You would think I would be disgusted....Hell, I am disgusted but for some reason I can't help myself. We have had more sex since this happened then we've had in months, and it's good. Real good. Pre Kids good. That makes me angry and disgusted with myself and I feel like I'm rewarding him for cheating on me.

 

My emotions are a roller coaster. I'm sad, angry, hopeful, horny, embarrassed, humiliated, withdrawn, vengeful...and it all changes at the drop of a hat! Sometimes I hate him. I want to hurt him. Not physically, but in the same way he's hurt me. Sometimes the thought gets in my head that I should just go out and hook up with somebody. Give him a taste of his own medicine, but I could never do that. I do love him, I love him so much, otherwise I wouldn't be putting myself through this. I could never hurt somebody I love this way, even if they did it to me. Two wrongs don't make a right after all. Other times I can't bear to be away from him. I just have to sit next to him, or look at him...to make sure he's still there I guess. Other times I can't stand the sight of him and lock myself in my room and drink my vodka and listen to my music and cry. Those are the worst times.

 

He's been home a lot. Almost constantly except for work or doing stuff with my sister's husband, which isn't often. Things have been going ok. Well as ok as they can be....then Friday happened.

 

He fell asleep with his phone in the bed. I picked it up and started looking through it. Facebook was still gone, there where no suspicious texts or calls, I knew all the contacts he had in there. Then I decided to look at his internet history. I saw that Friday morning he was searching a woman's name. It popped up quite a bit. I knew the name it was one of the women from his phone, one he swore he never touched. It was obvious he was looking for her contact info. I got angry, woke him up and demanded answers. He started crying and says he "doesn't know why" he was looking her up, he just did and he swears that he didn't find anything and he hasn't talked to her since he changed his phone number and deleted her number out of his phone. he started begging me to believe him. I asked him about her and he says he met her through a mutual friend they had on facebook. They would talk and she would go to his friend's shop to hang out with him sometimes. I asked him what they would talk about and he just said "everything." That worries me. The other two women, I know that was just sex...her, they apparently had a friendship and even though he says they never had sex, for some reason this hurts more. I guess because I think there was an emotional attachment there (I read the texts. I believe they didn't have sex, It wasn't for lack of trying on his partt though and by the way things where going if I wouldn't of caught him they eventually would of hooked up.) I looked her up on facebook. She's freaking 22 and has two kids and a boyfriend away in the military. It makes me sick! She knew he had a family too. I know she did.

 

I wonder if he realizes what he's done to me. I know he knows what he's done is wrong, and I know he regrets it...but does he fully understand the extent in which he has messed me up? I am a pretty good actress. I don't think anyone except for the few people who know about this suspects anything I have to be that way. It makes me feel better. I am a very private person....but he knows right?

 

I have been doing a lot of facebook stalking. The friend, The girl with the boyfriend he slept with(and she's always posting about how much she loves her boyfriend! Nice huh?) the girl he wanted to get a hotel room with and the girl I found him googling. I know it's doing me no good and I'm just tormenting myself but I just can't help it.

 

I am going crazy. I want my old life back. I fear I will never be able to get over this, and will he eventually start to resent me because now he's on lockdown and I'm a damn basket case. Will he decide it's not worth it and leave anyway and then all of this would of been for nothing? How do I fix this? Will it ever get better?

[NotCamelot]

Welcome to LS. I am so sorry to read what you've been through.

 

 

All the things you are feeling are very normal. Very! And, look up Hysterical Bonding.

 

 

You came to a good place. Most here have been through what you are living with. There is a lot of good advice, and some bad, from the people here. Carefully decide what works for your unique situation.

 

 

I wish you the best.....there ARE better days coming, but it will be quite a while.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are not married but live as though we are.

 

Together that long and with two kids, can't help but wonder why? Some foreshadowing?

 

I am going crazy. I want my old life back. I fear I will never be able to get over this, and will he eventually start to resent me because now he's on lockdown and I'm a damn basket case. Will he decide it's not worth it and leave anyway and then all of this would of been for nothing? How do I fix this? Will it ever get better?

 

Some tough love coming. You're fighting the right battle but at the wrong time. The line in the sand should have been drawn the moment he traded his marriage and family for life at the frat house. From that moment on, your present situation was probably inevitable and he was enabled by your continued participation in the relationship.

 

Given the latest icing on the cake, you haven't really presented reasons to do anything other than divorce (in a manner of speaking) him. He seems absolutely incorrigible, unable to consider his actions in the context of your - and you children's - lives. To my thinking, would be good riddance...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited May 13, 2016 by Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

Wow, I've been there! My recommendation is that you deal with the emotional piece separate for the logistics of staying married/divorcing.

 

 

Right now, the emotional piece is the biggest. Without figuring out how to get a handle on the nearly unbearable damage, no decision to divorce or stay married is going to feel right. Do you want to make a decision that impacts the future of your kids lives (literally) based on an emotion reaction to something that may not be lasting? Of course not. But you can't allow the magnitude of the decision to paralyze you either.

 

 

So... back to the emotional side of it. For me, a lot of the things that helped were the things that combat depression. Like exercise. Antidepreseents. Avoiding alcohol (I didn't do that well at first but learned that lesson all too well). And journaling. Oh you'll still feel like **** even if you do these things, BUT you won't have the wild emotional swings to nearly the extent... and I know all too well that having ANY kind of feeling of control right now will help.

 

 

I hope this helps.

[gemini6]

Welcome to LS and also to the BS ( Betrayed spouse ) club

Let me start by saying slow down, take a breath, and try to relax - I know, easier said then done!

You are going to be alright, I know it doesn't feel that way now but you will be. I would suggest you sit down, take your emotions out of it for a minute, and look at your situation from the outside, from a strangers perspective..what would you advise this young lady do? This is multiple women, multiple sexual contact, and him acting like a predator. Is he sorry? Yes, they always are when they get caught!

I had tons of sex with my H during the whole mess too - that's kind of normal I think, it's almost a desperation to feel that bond and maybe a little bit of territory marking going on! who knows.

Take the time to look at it from a different perspective - would you recommend to friend that she try to work it out?

I can tell you from experience that you will NEVER feel the same way about him again - once the initial shock and fear wears off - you will be able to think clearly and see him clearly..right now, fear is getting the best of you. It takes time and clarity. You will be OK, no matter what.

Look at the pinned 180 post - start doing things for yourself, treat yourself like a queen, and please don't act like he some sort of prize to be had - he is NOT! He's a dirtbag. I can tell you all the craziness I went through and the hilarious things that I did ( that I can laugh about now), however our situations are a little different. Right now, just focus on yourself, do things that make you feel better about yourself - him cheating is NOT because of you, it's because of him and only because of him!

Who picks up a homeless chic to have sex?? YICK!

Edited May 13, 2016 by gemini6

[merrmeade]

I'd recommend that you do things in order and try not to think about everything at once. You're dealing with enormous emotions that affect your ability to think clearly. You need to figure out what is best for you and your children and you need reliable information.

 

It may not have been the first time, and I don't think you can put all the blame on the bad influence of others. Whether he has a sex addiction, always had it or what, he got into something that still has hold of him. His actions to 'change' and leave it behind were most likely out of shame and fear of further exposure. They obviously weren't enough to kill the impulses that drove them, and he probably didn't exactly hate how they made him feel. When he's doing that, he's clearly not thinking about you or his family. He needs professional help, and he needs to hit rock bottom.

 

The details of what happened and why may become clear later, but what you do know now is that he hasn't stopped this destructive behavior. Don't wait until he does something bigger. Looking for information about this woman means he wanted to hook up, whether he admits it or not.

 

But you need to take care of you and your children. You need legal advice and you need support from friends or family. You haven't explained what is so bad about telling your family, and it looks like you are protecting him from them. What he's done does not deserve protecting. You need protecting.

[whichwayisup]

Be prepared for a bumpy ride. He is going to have slip ups, meaning, a bit of contact with the ex OW's. He can't explain why he looked her up but I can guess he's having withdrawal and needs to have his "fix". Doesn't mean he's going to run off and start things up but to have some contact will feed his ego.

 

He hasn't really suffered the consequences. Deleting and blocking/ending it all with those women and ridding of social media is just the first step. He has to be a total open book to you allowing you access to everything at any time. He can't be deleting and hiding stuff, lying. Even if he slips up and tells you, it's better he does that than lie. Honesty from now on even if it hurts you to hear it.

 

An option is, kick him out of the house for a while. If he is going to go do whatever, he's gonna do it regardless. Until he can prove to you he is worthy of a second chance there's no point in trying to salvage your marriage. He has shown you genuine remorse? Not hysterical in the moment tears of desperation but really heart felt? Is he willing to do counseling on his own and with you? Is he willing to fix what's broken inside of him to make him a better husband, a better father and family man?

 

Having him at home and you two not getting along, ignoring him etc and your daughter knows the truth is stressful for the whole family. It's not healthy for anybody. He can still come see the kids but just not live at home until you feel ready.

 

Please PLEASE get yourself tested for STD's.

[stilltrying16]

I agree with the other posters here, esp whichwayisup. And I am so sorry you are having to go through this.

 

Btw don't worry about those feelings of wanting sex- they're pretty common. They're known as "hysterical bonding"and they won't last forever (don't know if that's a good thing or bad ).

 

Some questions for you- if you think it'll help to address them here.

 

Are the kids and he close? Is he a good dad?

 

Have they figured out what's going on? How are they handling things?

 

Are you carrying him financially?

 

Is individual counseling for him an option?

 

Is separating temporarily an option?

 

What will it take for you to trust him again without monitoring him 24/7? Because the monitoring can't be kept up forever and I really think it can do damage to the BSO to be turned into prison warden or mommy. It's so unfair that he/she has to take that role through something that was the cheater's fault!

 

if it's practical, I too would suggest separation for now. Both of you, but especially you, were so young when you got together. You might have had no experience living as adults without each other. Now, when the cracks are showing, you need to make sure you're together because you actively want to be- not because it's habit and not because it's the only option you know.

 

From everything I've seen and read, reconciliation is really, really hard. Both partners have to be 1000% in, or it ends up being dragged out and miserable. I think false reconciliation is especially cruel to the BSO. So before you commit to reconciliation, I think you need to figure out how much you need and want him in your life. And you want to make sure he actively wants to come back to you. As WWIU said, he hasn't had repercussions. Separation could be one.

 

I should add I've never tried reconciliation myself, so I'm basing all of this on what I've read on infidelity sites and seen in the lives of one of my friends. Many years ago I was the BGF, but in a situation where I could walk away. We'd been together only 3 years & had no kids. It was still incredibly painful- a long time ago now, but I have scars. I know it's a lot more complicated for you. But your thinking seems a lot clearer than mine was and I think you will come out of this ok. It's great you have family who will seriously look out for you.

Edited May 14, 2016 by stilltrying16
ETA: trying not to use questionable words

[oldshirt]

Together that long and with two kids, can't help but wonder why? Some foreshadowing?

 

 

 

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It is a politically incorrect thing to say in this day and age, but I agree - when people live together for years without legal marriage it is because one or both of them want a wide open back door that they can walk out of the moment they want to do something else.

 

 

This was foreshadowed.

 

 

He may have came home from work and did ok around the house and kids for awhile, but his heart and his loins were always still at the frathouse.

[oldshirt]

 

 

 

 

Some tough love coming. You're fighting the right battle but at the wrong time. The line in the sand should have been drawn the moment he traded his marriage and family for life at the frat house. From that moment on, your present situation was probably inevitable and he was enabled by your continued participation in the relationship.

 

Given the latest icing on the cake, you haven't really presented reasons to do anything other than divorce (in a manner of speaking) him. He seems absolutely incorrigible, unable to consider his actions in the context of your - and you children's - lives. To my thinking, would be good riddance...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I also agree with this as well.

 

 

The only logical next step here is get an attorney yesterday and start working on protecting yourself, your financial resources, your property rights and your access to your children ASAP.

 

 

This guy is a fratboy and could be gone tomorrow, next week, next month or even a year or so, but it is inevitable. Why would he want to be tied down to a 32 year old woman with kids that wants him at home all the time and be tied down with raising kids and taking care of a home and stuff when he can be partying at the shop and banging 20 year old in the back seats of cars up on the lift??

[oldshirt]

 

. I asked him about the women. He says the one that asked for money was a woman he picked up off the street! Seriously! He said he saw her walking down the street, picked her up, gave her a ride and then had sex with her! Who does that?! He swears he only had sex with her once.

 

He said there was another woman, the one with the boyfriend. She was an old friend. He saw her walking home from a friends house, gave her a ride(do you see a freaking pattern here?!) and they got to talking and hooked up. He says they had sex twice.

 

He swears he used protection but I don't know if I believe him.

 

He says the other women in his phone where just girls from the shop, he was trying but he never actually got anywhere with them.

 

OK and let's wake up and be realistic here. Other than prostitutes, do women just walk down the street and then have sex with the men who pull up to give them rides????

 

 

c'mon. Is he a rock star billionaire that does male model Calvin Klein underwear modeling? Do women scream and wake and throw their underwear at him and pass out when the see him like when the Beatles first came off the plane in America?

 

 

I don't know what the true story is but he is lying his arse off. Whatever he is lying about it, it is to hide how skanky it really is.

 

 

If he is saying he is banging chicks he picks up off the street to give a ride, that means it is a whole lot worse than that.

 

 

There's no hope here. Mr Lucky is correct, he is incorrigible. There is no hope for him to be a faithful, mature, respectful, responsible, married family man here. He is a man boy that wants to drink beer, make loud cars go "VROOOM VROOM" and bang chicks and run around and party.

 

 

You picked a poor candidate to be a life-partner and father of children to have a home and family with.

 

 

I'm not saying that to be mean or to point fingers - just facing facts and telling it like it is.

 

 

Your options are simple -

 

 

- continue living with a man-child who drinks beer and bangs chicks in the back of auto shops and occasionally shows up at home to pick up clean clothes while you do all the work of child rearing and maintaining a home.

 

 

- Get an attorney to secure child support and legally walk with the financial assets and property rights that you are legally entitled to and move forward with your own life so you can give your children a safe and supportive environment while he makes cars go VROOM VROOM and parties.

[CarrieT]

C'mon everybody - we are forgetting the very FIRST thing the OP needs to do...

 

GET TESTED FOR STDs!!!!

 

Seriously. All the emotional stuff is going to take a while to sort out. But you have been having sex with someone who admits to picking women up off the street for first and foremost, OP, you need to get tested for diseases and stop having sex with this guy until he produces a clean bill of health as well.

 

This is critical. Back in the late 80s, I found my then-husband having sex with other men. This was at the height of the AIDS scare and I had to get tested every six months for five years because back then, they weren't sure if the disease could lie dormant.

 

Your health is tantamount and needs to be dealt with first. Get checked.

[NTV]

Hey I am just checking in with you... how are you doing? I have been through this pain and I know the first few months are a madhouse of emotions and sometimes even self destructive ones.

 

Is there anyway you can check in here every day or few days so we know even if the sh*t keeps hitting the fan that you're still breathing?

[PrettyHateMachine]

Hello, I am ok. I've been having computer issues(so please forgive any typos I am typing on my cell) I have also been busy with doctor appointments from an unrelated health issue that I have been dealing with before all this happened.

 

First, we have both been tested for STD's. He got his results last week. He tested positive for hsv2. That was a shock and obviously I was very angry, he told me that he has never had an outbreak and he very well could of had it before we got together. At first I called bull**** but my obgyn assured me that could be true. She did not seem to think it was a big deal, hopefully it's not, I am still waiting for my results. She did recommend that if my tests do come back negative that I test again in 6 months and I fully plan on doing that. She works on the "no news is good news" policy, so basicly if she doesn't call then everything is fine, if she does not call in a few days I will be calling her, just to be sure.

 

The whole not being married thing, that was mostly me. I don't really know why but I had no desire to be married, not just to him but to anybody. I know that may seem strange because most women want to marry. I can't explain it. I'm not really religious and My parents aren't married and they have an awesome relationship, I just didn't think "a piece of paper" mattered. Maybe I was wrong. He has mentioned marriage a few times since **** hit the fan, but I can't even think about that right now. The last time he mentioned it was after he told me he had hsv2 and I screamed at him about it and he's left it alone since. I'm not stupid, I'm not about to run off and marry him thinking it will make everything better. .

 

In no way am I trying to put the blame on his friends. He is a grown man and ultimately it was his decision to do what he did, and I am not trying to use other's influences as an excuse either, but I've known him for a very long time and he has never acted like this before he started hanging out with this friend. That's why it took me so long to see things. I trusted him. It was so shocking finding out what he was up to, because it's not something I ever thought he would be capable of.

 

There are reasons I haven't told my family. We are all very close. So close that one of my family members is my landlord and boss, another is his coworker. I did not go running to them right away because I was not sure what I was doing and I wanted avoid a mess or retaliation that would just make things worse. That is why my sister's husband has been keeping quiet, he knows what would happen. My family are good people, very loving, kind and charitable but when it comes to protecting "our own" we can get kind of nuts and things can get messy. It's more saving myself and my children from the drama than it is protecting him.

 

I have told my sisters a few things only because they where asking questions about some things but I watered it down, a lot.

 

He does seem genuinely sorry and remorseful for what he's done. He seems eager to do whatever I ask of him. We have not seen councilor but he said he would go to one if I wanted him to, be it together or separately.

 

He is a good father and our kids are close with him. My daughter more than my son. She's a daddy's girl. My daughter knows what happened, she's the oldest and unfortunately she came home in the middle of our big fight, we lost track of time and our emotions where running wild, we lost track of time and was in the middle of it when she got home from school. my son is a little younger and although he realizes something isn't right, I don't think he knows what it is.

 

Both kids seem to be doing much better now and my daughter has forgiven her father. At least that's how she seems. She's a very emotional child and has a hard time hiding her feelings so I really think she's doing ok. My son seems fine too. He's a bit harder to read but he seems fine. It's been a month and a lot has calmed down and we have been doing our best to hide all the negative stuff from the kids.

 

I am not carrying him financially. We both work but he is the main "breadwinner" I've been mostly a stay at home mom up until a year ago.

 

I am doing much better emotionally. Things have calmed down. No way have I let my guard down or forgiven or forgotten but I am in a much better place than I was when I wrote my first post. I've mostly given up the drinking except for a bit on Fridays. I have mostly stopped the Facebook stalking as well, mostly.

 

I've been spoiling myself a bit, and I got a new pet. Pretty much been doing what I want and only taking my children into consideration. He has not argued it.

 

He has been very open with me. There is no passcode on his phone. I checked it again last night(I waited until he was asleep I don't want him to know I'm checking it) and everything seemed fine. I do not feel like he's hiding anything I just checked it because well just because I don't feel like he's hiding something doesn't mean he's not, if that makes any sense. I don't know if I will ever stop being suspicious after what he's done, and if I do it won't be any time soon.

 

He's actually seems pretty clingy lately, which is odd because we where never like that before, even when we first got together. I think he's scared he's going to loose me and he very well should be scared, very scared.

 

 

He's been pretty patient with me and takes responsibility for what he's done, never once has he tried to put the blame on me in any way. He seems to be understanding of my mood swings and anger. He knows he deserves it and much worse.

 

He's been encouraging me to get out of the house, do things together, as a family. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes I just don't want to bother.

 

there has only been one incident since I caught him googling that woman. That night I caught him googling her, in a fit of anger and spitefulness I messaged her boyfriend on Facebook and let him know about what was going on. He finally saw it last week and responded. He seems to be brushing it off as "she never liked him, he kept bugging her, almost stalking her and she thought he was creepy and she is just too nice and didn't want to hurt his feelings blah blah blah" I don't buy it, I SAW the texts, she was flirting too and besides if you thought someone was creepy would you keep talking to them? Keep going to hang out with them? No matter how "nice" you are that just doesn't sound right. And besides if she was so "nice" why would she be entertaining a man's advances who she knows has a family? I'm not buying it. She's just trying to save her own ass but that's his problem. Apparently she called the "frat boy friend" and cried to him about how I tattled on her. He somehow got my boyfriends his new number and called him and told him to "tell me to stop causing problems for him and his shop" he told me about it right away and I told him I would do what I wanted and it really had nothing to do with his friend, it was her boyfriend I messaged. It's not my fault she called the friend crying about it. He didn't argue with me. I really don't think he's been talking to any of them besides that one time when The friend called. I pay very close attention to his phone calls and besides work he's home all the time now unless we go out together or he takes the kids somewhere or goes out with my sister's husband.

 

I still have bouts of anger or depression, self loathing etc but it's much less often now. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him completely again, or forgive him. I know I will never forget. I've never been though something like this before. I do love him though and I do feel that he's sorry and in the last month he has bent over backwards and jumped through hoops for me. I would like to try to work things out. I always told myself if something like this ever happened I would leave. I could never understand how a woman could stay with someone who totally betrayed them. I guess you never know until you are in the situation yourself.

 

 

In no way am I excusing his actions or trying to sweep it under the rug. I know what he did was awful, dirty and it's destroyed our relationship, not to mention what he's done to me emotionally, but I do feel he is willing to put in the time and work to fix things, I feel he truly does want to fix things. I know him pretty well(at least I did) and I don't think he's just pretending. I think that this might be the best thing for us. I do understand that I have the right to decide at any time that it's not working and end things, especially depending on my test results. Btw the whole hsv thing has put a damper on that aspect of things and we have not had unprotected sex since I've discovered his cheating, but we did have unprotected sex while he was cheating before I found out.

[Mr. Lucky]

In no way am I excusing his actions or trying to sweep it under the rug.

 

Not only is it your life but, as the one closest to the situation, you're the one best able to judge everything from intent to remorse. We're just strangers on the Internet.

 

Having said that, to me he does seem as though he's sorry - that he got caught. Someone who understands the stakes wouldn't, having just been busted, be searching for his side dish online.

 

Of course he's being nice to you. Just don't confuse that with the self-examination and heavy lifting necessary to make it back from the edge. They're two very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

I'm glad you're doing better. I'd get the counseling going.

 

And don't put so much emphasis on his phone. He knows you're checking it. He could easily have another phone he's using. Don't rule it out.

 

Start checking for a second phone. He could also be using his work phone.

 

Don't be thinking he's not still doing it. Just wanting you to have eyes open, ya know?

[Whoknew30]

I know the whole marriage thing is different for everyone but I don't understand why someone who said no to their children's dad is shocked that he now isn't taking commitment with you seriously. You don't want to marry him, where do you go from that? I'm just saying if my H didn't want to marry me with two kids, I wouldn't take our relationship that serious either. You're saying no to his attempts at commitment, so it kind of sounds you want everything your way. You may be his girlfriend but want all the say so of his being the wife, yet you're telling him you don't want that...that's confusing.

 

Now you've told your daughter but not your family which means your daughter now has to live a lie. Even in anger, that's a lot to let out in front of a little girl. I know parents aren't perfect but from certain things you explain,you seem to be all about yourself. Your saying she forgives him but she should not have been in that position, you should be apologizing to her. He's always her dad no matter what, & you're not his wife. How confusing, my mom won't marry my dad...now mom is going crazy bc dad cheated, I'll forgive him but I can't talk about it...shame on both you for that!

 

I think cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem (it's never right or ok) & several things pop out here to things just not being right. It sounds like you BOTH need counseling to figure out what's going on & get it together for your kids!

[PrettyHateMachine]

I never told him "I don't want to marry you" we just never got married and I never pushed it. It's not like I told him "I want to be with you forever but I don't ever want to get married." It's just something we didn't do and neither one of us thought it was a big deal, it's actually not that uncommon. Now he is pushing marriage but I'm supposed to run to the court house now because he screwed up? I don't think it's a very good idea to get married when our relationship is on such rocky ground.

 

 

And yes I do want everything my way. I was faithful to him for 15 years. I'm the mother of his children. Are you telling me just because we weren't married that gave him a free pass to screw women he picked up off the side of the street and 20 year old girls? Now he says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me, so I'm just supposed to forget all that and say ok baby lets run off and elope and be happily ever after? No. I can't marry him right now because I can't trust him. If he wants that trust he's going to have to earn it and prove he will never do it again. Now is not the time to be discussing marriage.

 

I never once told my daughter she couldn't talk about it or tell somebody. If you read my first post you would also know that his mother knows. She the grandmother my kids are closest to. She took my kids for a few days when this all happened. And I didn't "tell her" we where fighting and she came home from school. I am not proud of it but I had just found out he had cheated on me, I was not paying attention to the time and neither was he. Do I wish it was different? Of course I do! But it's not like I told her "your dad is a cheating bastard but you can't ever tell anyone!" She can talk to whoever she wants.

 

And she doesn't even care about the fact that we are not married. My parents aren't married and I never thought there was something wrong or confusing about it.

 

You are calling me selfish but you are sitting here and telling me that he betrayed me and I am a bad mother because I don't have his last name?

 

Do you forget what year it is? In case you don't know it's 2016.

[pheonixrisen]

I know the whole marriage thing is different for everyone but I don't understand why someone who said no to their children's dad is shocked that he now isn't taking commitment with you seriously. You don't want to marry him, where do you go from that? I'm just saying if my H didn't want to marry me with two kids, I wouldn't take our relationship that serious either. You're saying no to his attempts at commitment, so it kind of sounds you want everything your way. You may be his girlfriend but want all the say so of his being the wife, yet you're telling him you don't want that...that's confusing.

 

Now you've told your daughter but not your family which means your daughter now has to live a lie. Even in anger, that's a lot to let out in front of a little girl. I know parents aren't perfect but from certain things you explain,you seem to be all about yourself. Your saying she forgives him but she should not have been in that position, you should be apologizing to her. He's always her dad no matter what, & you're not his wife. How confusing, my mom won't marry my dad...now mom is going crazy bc dad cheated, I'll forgive him but I can't talk about it...shame on both you for that!

 

I think cheating is a symptom of a bigger problem (it's never right or ok) & several things pop out here to things just not being right. It sounds like you BOTH need counseling to figure out what's going on & get it together for your kids!

 

You don't think 15 years and 2 kids is a commitment by itself ..and really does not require a paper ...I am married 10 years now ...at 6 years mark I found out about my husband affair I have a legal paper that binds our commitment did not stop him from having that affair what makes you think a paper would stop a person from cheating ...whether you are married or not married does not give a partner a free pass to start cheating.

 

op sorry you are going through this ...I have been there its heartbreaking soul crushing and it's not something you even did to go through pain like this

 

I am not sure how you can begin to heal when you already had 2 d- day I am not sure your partner gets the extent to which you are already devastated and then he continues looking up women ...I would advice you read the 180 to protect your self ..don't worry about the sex it's part of the process you are claiming what's your again like marking your territory ..It will die down and then their will be hell to pay ...I am sorry it does not get easy ...not for a while at least it took me a year to finally make a turn around ...and it was only then I realised my husband was still standing there still fixing still there ...my emotional upheaval destroyed him too but at the end of it he was there remorseful and trying to make it right ...

 

I would tell you fasten your seat belt as this is one hell of an emotional ride ..affairs are a gift that keeps giving ...but eventually you will begin to heal with or without him ..

[Whoknew30]

I never told him "I don't want to marry you" we just never got married and I never pushed it. It's not like I told him "I want to be with you forever but I don't ever want to get married." It's just something we didn't do and neither one of us thought it was a big deal, it's actually not that uncommon. Now he is pushing marriage but I'm supposed to run to the court house now because he screwed up? I don't think it's a very good idea to get married when our relationship is on such rocky ground.

 

 

And yes I do want everything my way. I was faithful to him for 15 years. I'm the mother of his children. Are you telling me just because we weren't married that gave him a free pass to screw women he picked up off the side of the street and 20 year old girls? Now he says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me, so I'm just supposed to forget all that and say ok baby lets run off and elope and be happily ever after? No. I can't marry him right now because I can't trust him. If he wants that trust he's going to have to earn it and prove he will never do it again. Now is not the time to be discussing marriage.

 

I never once told my daughter she couldn't talk about it or tell somebody. If you read my first post you would also know that his mother knows. She the grandmother my kids are closest to. She took my kids for a few days when this all happened. And I didn't "tell her" we where fighting and she came home from school. I am not proud of it but I had just found out he had cheated on me, I was not paying attention to the time and neither was he. Do I wish it was different? Of course I do! But it's not like I told her "your dad is a cheating bastard but you can't ever tell anyone!" She can talk to whoever she wants.

 

And she doesn't even care about the fact that we are not married. My parents aren't married and I never thought there was something wrong or confusing about it.

 

You are calling me selfish but you are sitting here and telling me that he betrayed me and I am a bad mother because I don't have his last name?

 

Do you forget what year it is? In case you don't know it's 2016.

 

 

Sorry for lack of response...taking care of a old relative.

 

 

My point was it sounds like you've set no standard of what commitment is. I know couples that aren't married but it's been a major discussion. Which shows real commitment, not we've never really discussed it. When you're together & something isn't even a discussion that means it's not s priority. You can't have an adult relationship that's going to work if you haven't even really discussed true commitment. Does that make what he did ok, no but you haven't seemed to make a commitment a priority. You don't assume things in a relationship, you discuss it. Popping out kids isn't what makes a commitment, there's a million baby's mamas in 2016 & your one of them. If you want respect of being wife but never made it a priority. You aren't your parents, how do you know there conversations when they first got together? Maybe they really discussed it but realized it wasn't for them? My point, that would still be a intimate conversation, not just assumption. That's why marriage is a big deal, you openly are facing the commitment you're making. Anyone can have sex & pop kids, that doesn't mean anything, only the responsibility of being a parent to that child.

 

If your daughter knows then you did say something about his cheating in front of her. It's not her responsibility to except his apology. That's your relationship, not hers. Has he been a bad father to have to apologize to her? She's dealing with grown up responsibilities she shouldn't have to at a young age. My parents did that to me & it's not fun but it did help me later on in life to realize, that it should have never been my problem & that's why I'm saying this to you. If he's a good dad, then don't mix the two up. You're kids should never be a factor for your relationship...ever.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Whoknew, you were married when you cheated on your husband so marriage didn't stop you from cheating. So how do you advise a BS who for whatever reason did not solemnize her union with her partner with a formal marriage that because she did not marry her partner he probably felt free to cheat on her. If you do want to say something to a BS try and put your self in her/ his place and try and understand the pain and trauma they are suffering before you come up with insensitive advice. Im sorry but you were batting on the wrong wicket.

OP, you should seriously consider as to whether you would like to consider continuing with your husband or parting ways with him. Since you are not married to him I'm not sure if any legalities are involved but you can always consult a lawyer and find out your rights. Since children are involved I think there will be some legalities involved. Take the advice of those who are sympathetic to your case and act in your best interests. Warm wishes.

Edited June 5, 2016 by Just a Guy

[Whoknew30]

Hi Whoknew, you were married when you cheated on your husband so marriage didn't stop you from cheating. So how do you advise a BS who for whatever reason did not solemnize her union with her partner with a formal marriage that because she did not marry her partner he probably felt free to cheat on her. If you do want to say something to a BS try and put your self in her/ his place and try and understand the pain and trauma they are suffering before you come up with insensitive advice. Im sorry but you were batting on the wrong wicket.

OP, you should seriously consider as to whether you would like to consider continuing with your husband or parting ways with him. Since you are not married to him I'm not sure if any legalities are involved but you can always consult a lawyer and find out your rights. Since children are involved I think there will be some legalities involved. Take the advice of those who are sympathetic to your case and act in your best interests. Warm wishes.

 

 

I cheated bc I wanted out of my marriage bc my H abandoned me when I needed him the most, marriage vows go beyond just cheating & he wasn't true to our vows first & I was pissed off at him for a long time. Did I handle my emotions right, no but he did some serious damage to our marriage. If that hadn't happened, I would have never cheated.

 

My point is if you haven't really sat down as a couple & spoke in detail about certain things vs just assume how things are, how will it work? Thats like me assuming my teenager isn't ever going to drink or do drugs so I never speak about it, they still might after a serious discussion but they know my feelings bc I've sat down & spoke about it. Their is way more to a relationship other than "I had your kids"...kids have (or should not have) anything to do with your relationship as a couple. If that's all you have, then that in itself is a red flag in the relationship.

 

The most helpful advice I've ever received wasn't out of sympathy, it was just plain straight forward. In fact I went to a party last weekend where a wife was just left after 20 years of marriage, everyone was speaking to her like a child. 20 mins of her & I talking she told me thank you for saying things other's where scared to say. Once someone cheats, you have to recognize where the problem came all together (if you want to reconcile) the focusing on the cheating itself isn't going to get one anywhere.

 

So I have been there & I had my kids at the same age & married to also my first boyfriend as a teen...similar situations. I knew even as a teen, that our kids weren't going to keep us together, that's not their job. It's the adults job to work on it. She had to work with him as a SO, separate from the kids & make her place known as his SO, not just his baby's mama.

[katielee]

he did some serious damage to our marriage. If that hadn't happened, I would have never cheated.

 

.

you are not really getting to the WHY of your cheating. You're blaming your actions on someone else's actions. You have control over yourself. If not, you have work to do. People cheat because they don't know how to handle pain. Where or how they got in that pain doens't matter as much as WHY they give themselves the green light to cheat. Sure, deal with the marriage issues at some point in time, but the go ahead on the cheating - an entirely different and separate issue.

[Whoknew30]

you are not really getting to the WHY of your cheating. You're blaming your actions on someone else's actions. You have control over yourself. If not, you have work to do. People cheat because they don't know how to handle pain. Where or how they got in that pain doens't matter as much as WHY they give themselves the green light to cheat. Sure, deal with the marriage issues at some point in time, but the go ahead on the cheating - an entirely different and separate issue.

 

I'm just saying there is a MILLION other ways to be untrue to your vows or to screw up a relationship other than just cheating & those other things can lead to cheating. Unlike yourself I looked at our reconciliation as a whole, not just the "cheating" that is why 7 years later him & I are fine, even our marriage therapist & priest said we handled our reconciliation extremely healthy. We no longer have triggers, we can't tell you when dday happened bc it didn't matter & we can go out of town apart from each other with no worries & our kids were never sucked in... We are not perfect at all but when we have problems we get to the root, not to the "there's no excuse for this or that"...being "right" & captain obvious has never saved a marriage or relationship.

 

Our hard work & realizing both our faults is what fixed our marriage. If we had been stuck...cheating, cheating, cheating...never would have worked.

 

This all if you want to fix the relationship. If you don't, that's fine but both (unless the WS is a sex addict) people need to learn from their own mistakes or their next relationship will be no different. A relationship rarely y dies from just one person mistakes.

Edited June 6, 2016 by Whoknew30

[katielee]

I'm just saying there is a MILLION other ways to be untrue to your vows or to screw up a relationship other than just cheating & those other things can lead to cheating. Unlike yourself I looked at our reconciliation as a whole,

 

so, I should blame my affair on his lack of emotional support? that lack is not equal or even on the same plane as my affair. And even though it needs to be addressed, it was not the cause of my affair. MY inability to handle it was.