I don't know how to deal with my suspicions

[tashfv]

My husband has been talking to his ex from about 10 years ago!!

I first found out about 2 years into our relationship and asked him to stop which he agreed to apparently! fast forward 5 years and I find messages on his phone from her, but nothing telling. I confronted him and he said she contacted him, after 4 years?? I don't believe him! Then i find naked pics of his you know what on his phone but he said he hasn't sent it to anyone...yeah right! Then all of a sudden he deleted everything and I couldn't access his iCloud anymore. Then when I asked to see his phone, she is not in his phone anymore! I think they are still talking somehow though. Plus I know when they are talking because I see them online on whatsapp at the same time!

I have tried to ask him about it but he says nothing is happening!

Am I being paranoid? reading too much into nothing or do I possibly have something?

[Clay]

Do you have children with him? Does his xWife have children with him?

 

If the answer is no to both then I would suggest you looking into a divorce. He already lied to you once so why would you give him another chance. The only time I have ever seen anyone really fix there relationship after this is when the cheater is the one doing most of the work to fix it.

 

If you want to stay in this marriage then he needs to give you complete access to all his accounts. He needs to write a no contact letter to her unless he has children with her. He needs to be accountable for every where he goes. These things really upset me. I felt like I was the prisoner watching my xWife live her life.

 

Me personally even if you have children I would still divorce. Its just not worth ever staying with a cheater. Children deserve to at least see one healthy parent.

 

Sorry your going through this.

 

C

[Silveron]

Do you have Verizon phone plan?

 

 

If so, you can install message+ app on his phone. If he doesn't have his number registered on vtext.com then create a username. You can now view and even send on his behalf of all of his text messages.

 

 

If you are on a joint account, this is legal.

 

 

You can also read up on dr. phone which can pull text and whatsapp messages from the cloud if you have the acct. info.

 

 

Him doing the things he's doing are all red flags. His talk and actions are total opposites.

[tashfv]

He does not have children with his ex, it was not even his wife. An ex gf! I am in the UK I do not have access to that kind of software. I am just so angry, I mean why her of a people why didn't they just stay together if he wanted to be with her! We have a son together.

I was really hoping that I was just being paranoid but it is like you are made to feel like that when yo do not have any solid proof.

I mean would you not say when you have a female friend if it is not an issue? Even if it is an ex. But then why would you even need to talk to her about anything? I don't know if he has divulged our problem to her.

I just would really like answers, not that I can get them. I am just so angry!

He has been sleeping on the couch because we have not been doing well but it wasn't about this at all until a couple days ago.

He never stayed out all night or even really late so I don't know if they are even sleeping together but I just feel like this is almost worse like an emotional affair.

sorry for the rant!

[len51]

My ex-fiance contacted me by phone and email 45 years after we broke up. She was apologizing for cheating on me and telling me about the angels who talk to her and asked her to change her last name. She also told me she is now married to a woman, lived in a commune and tells fortunes over the phone with the help of her angels. I also was told that she had a lot of memorabilia of me including 50 pictures and some jewelry and other items I had given to her whie we were engaged. She cheated on me and has not only regretted it but felt sorry for doing so. She said she was just young and immature and her life is much different than it would have been with me. She had moved very close to me and wanted to meet me for lunch. I told her no and asked her to return my stuff which she did. I have not even looked at it yet.

 

The second girlfriend found my facebook page and was emailing me daily to tell me how she was a crack addict and prostitute before becoming a stripper. She married a customer who is 22 years older than her. I had to change my email address after a month because she was sending me long emails every day and hinting at meeting.

 

So it is possible to talk and email exes with nothing going on other than catching up with each other. I no longer loved my exes after a few months of breaking up so. My wife never gets jealous anyway. She says that she knows that I will never leave her and after 40+ years, she has been right.

[tashfv]

My ex-fiance contacted me by phone and email 45 years after we broke up. She was apologizing for cheating on me and telling me about the angels who talk to her and asked her to change her last name. She also told me she is now married to a woman, lived in a commune and tells fortunes over the phone with the help of her angels. I also was told that she had a lot of memorabilia of me including 50 pictures and some jewelry and other items I had given to her whie we were engaged. She cheated on me and has not only regretted it but felt sorry for doing so. She said she was just young and immature and her life is much different than it would have been with me. She had moved very close to me and wanted to meet me for lunch. I told her no and asked her to return my stuff which she did. I have not even looked at it yet.

 

The second girlfriend found my facebook page and was emailing me daily to tell me how she was a crack addict and prostitute before becoming a stripper. She married a customer who is 22 years older than her. I had to change my email address after a month because she was sending me long emails every day and hinting at meeting.

 

So it is possible to talk and email exes with nothing going on other than catching up with each other. I no longer loved my exes after a few months of breaking up so. My wife never gets jealous anyway. She says that she knows that I will never leave her and after 40+ years, she has been right.

So one party, your exes had an ulterior motive and at least you cut contact when you saw it going in the wrong direction. It sounds like since he hasn't stopped contact and who knows who started it all i know is he is allowing for 8 years! Knowing I don't like it! this doesn't sound good

[renaissancewoman]

I'm so sorry. I just went through something very similar to you. And it was a nightmare. It wasn't an ex but another mom from an adjacent neighborhood. It's been 3 months since I confronted him about being attracted to this woman to which he tried to say they were "just friends". It's been 2 months since I found out that they didn't just go to the park with the kids every so often but that they had actually been texting each other quite a bit for at least 3 months. It caused a great deal of hurt and insecurity on my part.

 

There is a stark difference in how my H handled this and how yours is handling it. IMO, your husband has engaged in an emotional affair and when such a breach of trust occurs, it's his responsibility to do absolutely everything he can to build your sense of security in your relationship. The fact that he displays no remorse and has now even cut off your access to his accounts is even more of a red flag. If there is nothing to hide, he would be as transparent as possible in order to make you feel as secure as possible.

 

I would say trust your intuition. You know something doesn't feel right and you should tell him. DO NOT ask him why he is doing this. It is of no consequence. All you need to know is that he knowingly disrespects your relationship and has not shown an ounce of remorse or inclination to stop. Tell him firmly that this is not acceptable behavior and that continuing to communicate with his ex will be the end of your marriage.

[dichotomy]

Why cant you access his icloud? ....and if he has ever synced his iphone to a home computer - the information is in there and may be accessible

 

but you have enough evidence already I think.

[aliveagain]

len51, I think I dated your first ex. Bottom line is if they can't do it in front of you they shouldn't be doing it, maybe it's time you ask him to produce all that he has erased or take a polygraph. If he won't run.

[Trishern]

Your story is or was mine not so long ago. In fact I got my H to post a thread hear to ask the users if what he was doing was okay.

 

 

He discussed intimate details of our relationship with her, which made me vey upset and the stress when I discovered it made me loose half a stone in a week (still need to loose more though).

 

 

I'm in the UK too BTW

 

 

Click on my username and see the first thread which he posted

 

 

 

 

Mrs T

[basil67]

He has been sleeping on the couch because we have not been doing well but it wasn't about this at all until a couple days ago.

 

So, he was sleeping on the couch before you knew about these texts? Sounds like him messaging her is symptom of a bigger problem. I'm not condoning his behaviour, but if it's gotten to the point where he prefers/is banished to the couch, it's not surprising that he's seeking acceptance elsewhere.

 

What other problems are going on? Getting a greater understanding of the broader marital issues will make a difference to how you deal with the current problem.

[tashfv]

Dichotomy- I can no longer access his iCloud because he has stopped backing the information up now since I confronted him about it.

Basil67-the problems we have really stem from me not feeling like he really doesn't care anymore. Can be quite dismissive of my feelings. I have felt like that the last few years. I know it had not helped but since he was talking to her or at least I found out about 2 yrs in who knows how long they were talking before that or when I asked him to stop and maybe he never did!

My gut is telling me that even though we are currently not great I feel like it has been going on for our whole relationship. Bits are starting to come together and make sense now I M a bit calmer. I could snoop around to fill in the gaps but I don't think I need to

Trishern-thanks I will look up your post!

[whichwayisup]

Ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving. Can you spend the rest of your life worrying and having trust issues with your husband? It's obvious that he's been up to no good... Regardless if it's physical or not, he has had an inappropriate friendship with his ex and who knows who else. Maybe it's all online, either way it's wrong and hurtful towards you.

 

Listen to your gut. His reaction and fact that he is now hiding evidence, changed pw and you can't get into his icloud is a sign.

 

You don't have to follow through on this in the long run, but do it to scare him - Tell him you're going to talk to a lawyer and he can pack his stuff and move out. Watch his reaction and don't cave when he begs for you to not kick him out.

 

Until he's ready to come clean and apologize and be honest with you, there's no point in even bothering to fix things with him. He's in denial.

[ShatteredLady]

Hi. I'm so very sorry that this is happening to you. Before I say anything I need to warn you that I am incredibly bias because I'm trying to recover from my H's ea & I'm still in agony & don't know what I'm going to do.

 

I think it's best if I just tell you my story & then say what I think & ask some questions.

 

About 12 years ago my H had an affair with a coworker. It was a completely screwed-up situation. He became an alien creature, abused me, changed so much that I viewed it as a mental breakdown & rug swept.

 

I've now been with him for 26 years & have young children.

 

Over the months I've discovered that she has been 'reaching-out', sending little "hello!" messages a couple of times a year ever since. He says that he has never responded but I found a photograph of my son as a toddler that he'd sent her while I was pregnant with my daughter. He says he doesn't remember doing that. He does have a terrible memory but.....

 

Anyway she just sent a pic of her new dog & he returned "A picture of my little puppy!". Very innocent.

 

He saved an 'update' that she sent when living in Vegas. She had a bf & was in love. This was while I was pregnant with my D & something was VERY wrong between us. I was heart broken. He wanted to go to Vegas when I was due & I was so frightened that she would be premature (I'm a chronic pain patient) that I told him I didn't want him to go to the work function. He was cold for the rest of my pregnancy. I don't know. I recently put these things together.

 

Then I had emergency surgery & was recovering. He lost his job & got a new one he hated. A lot of stressful stuff happened. I now know that she sent "hi" through Linked-In & it took him a couple of messages to ask her to set-up a secret account for them!

 

Within weeks it was all slushy stuff & gifts galore! I can't start to describe how completely screwed-up I am by all of this. There's loads more to the story but I don't want to start sobbing & feeling sorry for myself.

 

 

Right! The basic logical facts....

 

* You are his wife. He promised to love & cherish you, forsaking all others. His contact with her causes you pain. It damages your marriage. He should stop it. Doesn't matter what "it" is. No excuses. No reasons. He should STOP!

 

* My story shows it's always bloody dangerous for lovers to have ANY kind of long term 'supporting each-other' relationship.

 

* He made you promises.

 

* He's a weird guy who takes pictures of his "little friend" to admire all by himself!!!!!!!

[Honourably honest]

Be careful. He's definitely hiding something, and he'd playing you for a mug.

Sit him down to discuss finances and the separation. If he squeals out everything you will know for sure. You need to be poker faced, and don't let on the 'chat' is coming.

It could all backfire and he says OK, but then you'll java had the decision made for you.

Nobody puts baby in the corner. Do not settle for a sub par relationship.

[tashfv]

Thank you all for your input. I know what I need to do, it is just getting it done and being prepared for any outcome. It would be nice for him to even care if we separate but considering the way he is acting who knows. You are also right in saying there is no point trying to find out anymore details as something is clearly going on. Once I have calmed down I think I will try and find something concrete to go to him with when I have the talk and see if he even has the decency to be honest about any of it. Will keep you posted. Thank you!

[Honourably honest]

Good luck, fingers crossed for you.

[Lois_Griffin]

Once I have calmed down I think I will try and find something concrete to go to him with when I have the talk and see if he even has the decency to be honest about any of it.

Yeah, good luck with that because it ain't happening.

 

Cheaters are the biggest liars on planet earth. Even when you hand them video of themselves doing something, they still try to deny that it's them, so getting him to admit anything would require an act of congress. For cheaters, it's ALL about self preservation.

 

And of course he'll claim he doesn't want a divorce. That would mean splitting up his assets and paying child support (if you have kids) and possibly alimony. As I said, it's ALL about self preservation for them. Besides, most cheaters don't want to get divorced - that's why they keep their activity a secret. They do it because they want the extra in their lives, not because they want a divorce. So of course he's going to cry that he doesn't want you to divorce him. That's standard stuff.

 

Your marriage has sucked for a long time because he's no longer invested in you. If this ex of his lives anywhere close enough for them to get together, you can bet your right arm that's what they've been doing. It would be horrifically naive - at BEST - to assume this has always ONLY been texting.

 

Get your ducks in a row. And whether you have something 'concrete' enough or not when you confront him won't make a difference - he'll LIE anyway. And if you're waiting for that one piece of concrete evidence to leave him, then you're just using that as an excuse to stay because you're too afraid to leave. Many betrayed spouses have used that as an excuse to stay - that they needed that ONE piece of concrete evidence to 'allow' them to leave. Most were just setting themselves up for many more years of the same bullsh*t they'd been dealing with because the devil they did know was (to them) better than the devil they didn't know.

 

Good luck but don't expect much from him. He's a liar and a cheater whose FIRST loyalty is to his own sorry ass.