Blind2see Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Hi. This is my story. First of all I would like to say that my english is not so good but I will try my very best for you to understand, english in not my first language. Anyway I've been reading some articless and forum on your wife cheated on you and got pregnant by another man. My wife and I recently got a temporarily separation this last january 4 2016 its ironic because on jan 19 its our 11th year anniversary. Well its because of an issue that she couldnt handle my attitudes towards her. She said that im a dull person that I dont even see her around when im around. Didnt give attention when Im just doing my job to support my family. I met my wife and fall in love with her on 2004 and knowing that she has two children in her past with no partner (17 is the eldest now and 13 the younger) I really do love her despite knowing that (I am single and with no baggage if that what they call it) I told her that I really love her despite of her past. We were both happy together it feels like I know that im happy and contented with her until I got her pregnant... I really love her so I ask her mother and ask her to marry me. And we did on jan 2005. I know my family would not understand because situation because they are too sacred on having a partner with no obligations. So we secretly hide the status of my wife to my family which she also agree and her family but we have a deadline on it. Time flies years gone by. On 2011 we are cought with a big problem, im reffering now to her problem with my attitude and the deadline that we should now get her children and live with us which her mother taking care of it for 6 years though we do visit them atlease once ar twice a week. As ive said im just doing my job to support my family and her two kids. I can say that somewhere I also admit that im gulity of her accussation. Im just worried that if cannot do my responsibilties she would break up on me thats why and maybe I became like that. She walk out on me and blame me for what happened. We were seperated for like two months but our child stayed with me. To cut the long story short we both agreed to fix our marriage. She went back home with her two children. Things got very shakey or shall I say new to me now that we have her two children at home. I now have to deal with extending our house to give rooms for her children. Things somehow get complicated. But we did survive it. I now told some of my relatives about our situation about my wife having kids in the past. But we didnt tell my grandmother worrying that she might break down and shes like 75 years old that she couldnt bear it and may cause her health. So we decided again not to speak to it. Shes now somehow relief that some of my relatives knows about it. We were doing great maybe the happiest time of our life..God bless ur with my second child on dec 2012... my wife and I were both very happy to do it because now we did it out of love and in our own very home. Im not saying our first is not out of love its just that its not planned. Again we survive and were doing ok overcoming all the challenges in life because we now have each other and her children with us...... 2016 again the turning point... she now deals again with my attitude problem that she said that I dont care for her when im just quiet thinking and seeking solutions on our daily problems to survive. I just dont get it when my focus is our family, maybe im just to focus or maybe I was wrong that I forget to consult and give time on her. But when it comes to our children I do make sure that our children gets time. (Which she admits that it comes to her children im all for it, I love our kids) She went out again (jan 4, 2016), go to her mother and stayed ther until now but her kids stays with me along with my two son. At first I was so upset for what happened and thinking that she couldnt handle my worst when im just doing my responsibilities. I was in the point of losing her and not getting back to her and just giving my priorities to our children but deep inside I dont want to lose her and thought it was past and we will renconcile soon. The comes our anniversary on jan 19. I went to see her now sorry for all the troubles I cost her. I take all the responsibilities for what happened and say to her that now I make things right. I proposed to her that we renew our vows but she didnt answer yes and said that I should wait and not force her againts her will. Though she accept the ring. I tried to convince myself that she accepted the ring maybe shes just taking a break. Im satisfied with that. Everyday since then I texted her and call her, write a lovely quotes. I also told her that this time I will improve and change my attitude. Again she said just do it and wait. Weeks have past and doing all I can. We now have a should I say great understanding which I thought it is. March 3 I called her on phone and was ready again to convince her to come back that im trying to be a good partner now, that our children needs her and will do as she will. She said that she cannot go back. I said why and she said shes not worthy anymore.. I pretend that I dont understand and just keep on convincing her to go home. Then finally words came out of her mouth that she had an affair with this man and had sex with him twice.. I was so devastated no words can define how I felt that moment... I tried to convince myself its not true that she making that up because she wants out of our relationship. I hanged up the phone and told her I will her call her later. After we talked.. that moment was very dark on me, iam really hurt and I cant describe the feeling. I hid the feeling to my children I dont want them to be involve. I get drunk bought many beers as I can.. but feels like im not getting drunk, alcohol is not doing its job to calm my feelings. I loved her, why did she do it keep asking myself. Its not a mistake its her choice that what keeps telling me. What about me what about our children, her two kids. She didnt think about it she neglected it. I calm myself and see and think about what happen. I came to my senses that I love her and she deserve my forgiveness and im willing to forget everything to save our marriage and for the children. So I called her again and talk about how I feel about it and willing to move on.... until she said that she cannot because she is pregnant with that guy that she only knew. I was so sad and very depress I was speechless dont know what to say. I really need help now, I cant go to my relatives and tell them about it because Im afraid of losing her because I really love her. Please give me advise on how to deal with.... thank you very much and really appriciate. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 I too had a spouse that cheated on me and became pregnant with the other mans child. I only learned that he wasn't mine until he was almost a year old. I could not raise another mans child. She made the choice to complete the pregnancy and hide the fact that it wasn't mine from me and by doing so lost me in her life. I did not want to deal with having the child's paternal father permanently in my life. Please talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights and the potential risks you face if you decide to stay in the relationship. You sound young, is this really what you want your life to be? She has brought shame on you and your family and sometimes the mess is just too big to fix. You can do better than staying married to a cheating spouse and raising another man's baby, talk to a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Could you raise another man's child? Is she decided on having the baby? Has she thought about a termination ? Is this something you are really able to forgive? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind2see Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 I already raised two children of her past. I know the situation is different now. She is afraid of having termination and said she will think about it. Im a very confused right now... I loved her with all my heart dedicated it all but torn to the fact that she cheated on me. Maybe im just confused and crazy and forgiveness is more likely.I need help Im still seeking solutions and advise.. I hope u understand... thanks Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 Why are you both agreeing to have the baby? How many months pregnant is she? When you marry someone with children you marry the whole package. When your wife cheats and is impregnated by another man you have a much bigger problem because you had your choice taken away from you. The other man has rights as the child's father, he will be with you forever to remind you of your wife's infidelity. Just take a minuet to think about your situation, she has children by three different fathers and you have been married to her at least 11 years. This is your life, you have to decide if you want to raise another man's child when your marriage has so many other problems. Why do you want to complicate your life more than it already is? You need counselling to help you get through this. Cheating is a conscious decision, using protection is too. Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 . I am sorry you are going through this. This all must be quite a shock. You need to see an attorney. You do not want to accept responsibility for the child because that my have ramifications. As for dealing with your wife: Do not make any rash decisions. Wait until your head clears. Can you afford counseling. If so, get it pronto. It will help you think more clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 One of the traits of a cheating spouse is that they become super critical of you often because they are trying to set you up to be at fault for their infidelity. Your marriage seems to have a lot of that, she blames you for the marriage problems and then leaves you. This time she is pregnant, are you sure that this is the first time she has cheated on you? Her history shows that she is rather reckless, she had two children without a partner before you met her, she now is pregnant with another man's child and married to you. Talk to a lawyer, find out if you can get custody of your children, do not sign a birth certificate without knowing your legal rights, have her take a polygraph and find out the truth before you commit yourself. You can do a lot better than this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Blind2see Posted March 10, 2016 Author Share Posted March 10, 2016 (edited) OShe is 5 weeks pregnant and I was told that the guy left her going abroad. Couldnt bear that my wife of 11 years and mother of my two son is in this situation again. Though she told me that its unfair is she chose to live with me and guilt will forever haunts her. I pity her because I love her dear but realizing you guys advises makes me think twice and thrice. Edited March 10, 2016 by Blind2see Link to post Share on other sites
Liam1 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 OShe is 5 weeks pregnant and I was told that the guy left her going abroad. Couldnt bear that my wife of 11 years and mother of my two son is in this situation again. Though she told me that its unfair is she chose to live with me and guilt will forever haunts her. I pity her because I love her dear but realizing you guys advises makes me think twice and thrice. You need to talk to an attorney Whether you stay or go, you likely need to deny paternity formally in order to avoid being responsible for the financial care of this child. The wife needs to go after the biological father to seek child support. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 This is her problem, don't let it become yours. She has options but if she chooses to keep other mans baby you need to decide if you want her in your life. She doesn't sound like someone you can trust and feel safe with. Protect your own children, talk to a lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted March 10, 2016 Share Posted March 10, 2016 and why did she not get an abortion? the guy left, and you now know the truth.... Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) There is no wrong in loving some one and leaving them. There is no wrong in being great co parents. There is no wrong in caring about someone who did you harm. What is wrong is forcing something that just doesnt fit and that describes your marriage. Your wife is not your possession, you cannot control her. What she did was of her own free will and what she is saying is what she wants to do. You can say whatever you want, be the greatest dad and husband, but you can not force what obviously isnt. She does not love you. She has proved this repeatedly. This one, you have to let go. There is nothing to save. She is not your wife and you know it. A prayer for your family. Edited March 11, 2016 by 66Charger 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 OP, you are way too far over dependent on your wife. She has a history that tells you that your chances of having good life with her are very poor. In fact you are in danger of being a door mat and an emotional cripple if you keep compromising with this woman that has serious baggage. RUN and get help so that you can get stronger emotionally and many other ways. You are so dependent on her that you will compromise your integrity and everything else because of your emotions. You have to get stronger so that you can raise your children the right way. If you allow your wife to walk all over you then you will become no good to anyone including yourself. Your choices are you can keep comprising and allow yourself to become a mush ball or you can suffer the pain of putting her out of your life so that you can heal and get a lot better. I know that you are in lots of pain but you will have you make some real hard choices and endure the pain until you get a lot better. Millions of men have done it and so can Link to post Share on other sites
TX-SC Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Well, I'd dump a wife that did this, but that's just me. There is no way I'd be raising the kid of the guy that screwed my wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 You deserve better than a wife who clearly has no respect for you. There's no reason at all to stay in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Well, I'd dump a wife that did this, but that's just me. There is no way I'd be raising the kid of the guy that screwed my wife. Exactly. My husband would dump me if I so much as kissed another man. He would NEVER raise another man's child because I strayed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 (edited) I would exit this relationship. If I had gotten pregnant by the OM...there is no doubt in my mind ...my husband would have kicked me to the curb....and rightfully so. Edited March 11, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 I would exit this relationship. If I had gotten pregnant by the OM...there is no doubt in my mind ...my husband would have kicked me to the curb....and rightfully so. Yep....... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 If only she didn't get pregnant. Then you could "reconcile" and pretend to forget that she cheated. But now there will be a child that will be a daily reminder if her cheating and you won't be able to go on like everything is okay. Or, maybe you will do that anyway because you love her so much. It wouldn't be the first or last time this has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 If only she didn't get pregnant. Then you could "reconcile" and pretend to forget that she cheated. But now there will be a child that will be a daily reminder if her cheating and you won't be able to go on like everything is okay. Or, maybe you will do that anyway because you love her so much. It wouldn't be the first or last time this has happened. With or without a child...there is a daily reminder of infidelity. It is called a broken heart. I doubt anyone in reconciliation PRETENDS that everything is ok. They KNOW better. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Reconciliation is difficult under the best of circumstances. To have to deal with a pregnancy by the other man would be more than I could deal with and stay. Why, it is not the poor innocent babies fault. But, are you as a BS strong enough or forgiving enough to live, raise and love another man's baby? I know people who have done that and I think wow, what a loving, forgiving person. I can only say that I am not that strong, I certainly have a weakness that would not allow me to live with a reminder this strong. If an affair goes physical, there is always the possibility of pregnancy. So, what is the difference if they get pregnant or not. In reality none. But, the difference is can you live with this love child and not hate, disrespect or treat this poor child in a way that it certainly does not deserve. One more consequence of infidelity that obviously the ws does not give due consideration. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 With or without a child...there is a daily reminder of infidelity. It is called a broken heart. I doubt anyone in reconciliation PRETENDS that everything is ok. They KNOW better. Then what's the difference if there's a baby or not? By the way, the same is true for women who stay with husbands who accidentally impregnate their OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Then what's the difference if there's a baby or not? By the way, the same is true for women who stay with husbands who accidentally impregnate their OW. Mr. Adams just answered with his opinion. The difference is the treatment of the child. Can you raise another mans child...with the same amount of love and respect that you raise your own? I can tell you. Mr. Adams wanted NO children. He is not a "kid person". I LOVE children...all children...all colors...all kinds. He ALLOWED me to have two...one of each kind and he got a vasectomy. Now do not misunderstand...he loves his children and grandchildren. But he would have been happy without procreating. Had I gotten pregnant during my affair...( one sexual encounter)..i would have had to make a choice...abortion or divorce. There is no doubt in my mind...that he would have made me choose. We have had this discussion many times....if he had had a love child during his affair...I would have accepted and loved the child. If I had had a love child...he would have made me choose. It is not fair...but it is the way it is. People cannot help the way they feel. There is no right or wrong. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Plenty of men don't need to love the kids, they just need to love her (the woman). Now don't get me wrong, they don't hate the kids or treat them badly, they're just kind of there and going along with it. Again, they love her and they make it work. (by the way, I'm just being the devil's advocate here. I don't condone this, but I don't really support any reconciliation) Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 11, 2016 Share Posted March 11, 2016 Plenty of men don't need to love the kids, they just need to love her (the woman). Now don't get me wrong, they don't hate the kids or treat them badly, they're just kind of there and going along with it. Again, they love her and they make it work. (by the way, I'm just being the devil's advocate here. I don't condone this, but I don't really support any reconciliation) Thank god there are men who can love children who are not their own.... My granddaughters have a wonderful step dad. But not all men are cut from the same cloth. Maybe your background as the other woman affects your view of reconciliation. I obviously believe in it... However I know it is not always the best answer for everyone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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