Nearly a year later...

[Ironpyrites]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

[road]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

 

 

Nothing to go on so the best that can be said is recovery takes two to five years.

 

 

You have questions then ask them.

 

 

What have you done and WW done to recover?

[HurtHusband]

A year? That's not long. For me it's been a year and a half. I still have moments where I feel very upset. In my case it's even worse cause my partner is not remorseful and has done nothing to help reconciliation, instead she started an emotional affair with another man wh lives abroad and looks forward to meeting him.

 

Even if your partner is truly remorseful and wants to change and make it work..it would still be difficult. I hate the way, it's they who cause the problem and you end up suffering and filled with anger and heartbreak.

 

I don't know if you have kids are not. That's worse again. I assume there will be a tipping point where you start to think, I will be far better off without this person and need to leave her to save my sanity and be happy again, just like ripping off a bandaid.

 

Best advice I got here was to exercise and work out..( I only do sets of chin ups in the park when I take my kid there) but even that makes me feel better and stronger! Have a good support network of family and friends in place, look at some of the attractive woman around you...imagine yourself with one of them! Imagine being with someone who is nice to see and does'nt treat you like crap and cheat on you..would'nt that be nice? Just accept that this malaise sticky feeling is there and will be for some time..compartmentize it...

 

if you know in your heart that she won't be in your future and you will have to leave...than just accept that and stop beating yourself up about it. It sucks now, but you've decided to take steps and by this time next year you won't be with her. So once you have decided in your mind what to do, you start to care less about her, detach yourself emotionally from her and just see her as some other person. It not the person you married...that's how I think of my wife. Otherwise it would be hard, I mean we go out for lunch and look after the kids and the same time she is texting some married idiot overseas and saying ' I miss you everyday' etc!!! And she has no patience with me, and is very snappy and quick tempered if I ask her anything. It's not nice at all and I saw the same behavior last year while she had an affair.

 

look well, shave, make yourself look and feel better.

Don't have your emotional well being tied to this person who stabbed you in the back..

[drifter777]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

Some men never accept it and you might be one of them. If you are then it doesn't matter how hard you try or how much time has passed - you are never going to heal if you stay with her.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

For me, Year #2 was the worse.

 

Year #1 was shock, disbelief, and anger. Once I unpacked all of that, Year #2 brought on depression and emotional weariness. Year #2 was tough because I already had Year #1 under my belt, but I still could not see the light an the end of the proverbial tunnel.

 

It took me 3 years to recover to a level of hope and some sense of normalcy.

[BetrayedH]

What are the questions you still have?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Ironpyrites,

 

Your road has put a lot of miles on you. I've read some of the details on your other threads.

 

Your wife's adultety lasted over three years. 1 1/2 years before your d-day you found posts, both you and posm's wife confront their spouses. Both you and his wife choose to believe them, the adultety went underground.

 

During the affair your wife was under going IVF treatments.

 

3 DDays out you had to get signed out of work due to dark and irrational thpughts. For the following 5 months you completely shut down and not eating.

 

With or without reconciliation a year is not enough time.

 

Did you decide to use AD(s) ?

Have you and your wife continued MC?

Did you accept the advise to also use IC?

How is work?

If your wife is remorseful how are you letting her help you?

How is your wife dong?

[road]

Hi Ironpyrites,

 

Your road has put a lot of miles on you. I've read some of the details on your other threads.

 

Your wife's adultety lasted over three years. 1 1/2 years before your d-day you found posts, both you and posm's wife confront their spouses. Both you and his wife choose to believe them, the adultety went underground.

 

During the affair your wife was under going IVF treatments.

 

3 DDays out you had to get signed out of work due to dark and irrational thpughts. For the following 5 months you completely shut down and not eating.

 

With or without reconciliation a year is not enough time.

 

Did you decide to use AD(s) ?

Have you and your wife continued MC?

Did you accept the advise to also use IC?

How is work?

If your wife is remorseful how are you letting her help you?

How is your wife dong?

 

 

 

Did his WW get pregnant?

[merrmeade]

Some men never accept it and you might be one of them. If you are then it doesn't matter how hard you try or how much time has passed - you are never going to heal if you stay with her.

What does this mean: some "men" never accept it? Is it a uniquely male phenomenon? What happens to women then? Do any of them "never accept it"?

[Friskyone4u]

Not enough information here to really know anything.

 

The answer to your question is DIFFERENT for everyone, but texting you is NOT THE only thing she should be doing.

 

Is she NC with her OM??

Can you verify that in any way???

Do you have total transparency to her electronic devices, or does she have them locked?.

Are they co workers???

Does his wife or girlfriend know???

Is she accountable for her location and time??

 

Thise are just some things you need to ask. If the answer to any of them is NO, and all you have is tgexts once in a while, you are not going to get over this or a long long time and she may even be still at it.

[Krashi]

What does this mean: some "men" never accept it? Is it a uniquely male phenomenon? What happens to women then? Do any of them "never accept it"?[/quote

 

Plenty of women do not accept it. No difference in the genders as far as I can see.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I have nothing against reconciliation in principle, but as a practical matter I don't think I have ever met a woman that was worth the investment of time, energy, and focus, and not worth bearing that kind of protracted pain.

 

I think cutting your losses and cultivating a new relationship is best for most people. But every case and couple is different.

 

Good luck.

[katielee]

I think you should write out your questions and she should answer them. Consider asking her for a polygraph. Are you guys in MC, IC?

 

It took me 3 years before I had a day when I thought, "maybe this could work."

One year is really very early in. Good luck.

[Buckeye2]

He also knew we were doing IVF because we can’t have children as she had to disclose this to him as she washer boss at the time.

 

If you have been with your wife for 20 years she is probably of an age where she needs to have a baby now or never.

 

Then she tells me that she had no intention of leaving me as she couldn't imagine life without me.

 

This is true. You’re a nice stable guy that would make a good dad.

 

I even threw her out once and her poor Dad came round to ask her for another chance.

 

Her dad wants a grandkid.

 

If she can be so full on with this other then wtf does she even want me? She is financially independent, still great looking, great body, smart and very lovable.

 

How long would it take to find another guy like you that would be willing to have a baby right away? Her clock is ticking.

 

Bottom line the affair was fun and you were so trusting that she thought she would never be caught. If she thought about being caught at all she assumed that you would forgive her. That's because you love her and “she is financially independent, still great looking, great body, smart and very lovable.” So far she has been correct.

 

Just know that you have more leverage now than you will ever have because she wants a kid. Once she has a kid you will have less leverage and you will never see the following again:

 

She then became hysterical, begging I've never seen her so bereft before, as she is usually such a strong character. She claimed she would die without me and didn't want anything if she could not have me back.

 

In her mind you are her one chance for a family.

[cgiles]

What does this mean: some "men" never accept it? Is it a uniquely male phenomenon? What happens to women then? Do any of them "never accept it"?

 

It means than some men can't never stop to see their wife and marriage as tainted meat.

 

I don't think so.

 

Well, to the women which can never accept it, they divorce, I guess, or they bury a big hole in the nearest forest, and plans a picnic with their husband.

 

Personnally, I advise to dig a square instead of a rectangle, I heard they use some algo for identify what could look like a tomb, with their eyes in the sky.

[cgiles]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

The question is what are your hopes ?

 

Do you hope to get back to what you had ?

 

It will never happens.

 

Do you hope to stop to suffer ?

 

It will happen, but not with what you do as now.

 

You know the definition of insanity ?

 

Doing the same thing, again, and again, and expecting a different result.

 

Sure, with time the pain can maybe become just a white noise in the background of your life, but in how many years ?

 

You can start to apply the 180 lists, and only stop it when you feel you can be happy by yourself.

 

The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

 

Or you can call her father, tell him you tried, but you can't anymore, so he needs to come and pick her and her stuffs.

 

Then you start the divorce.

 

I advice you to read "when I say no, I feel guilty', By Manuel J Smith, and "no more mr nice guy" by robert glover.

[Marc878]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

You need to add some details/background

[nightmare01]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

Too many variables because we are each unique individuals, in unique marriages, where there was a unique affair.

 

Some people don't want any details, just knowing there was an affair is enough. I was an engineer so I tend to be very detail orientated.. I needed to know all the details so I could take everything apart in my mind and figure it out - so it took me a long time. Someone else could have done it in less time.

 

A 1 year marriage is one thing; a 20 or 40 year marriage is another.

 

A LTA (long term affair) is a different animal than a ONS (one night stand). Affairs with friends or family members add complexity. Affairs with a same sex person is another thing entirely. Then there are MH (mad hatters = where both people in the marriage cheat).

 

How long does it take? It takes as long as it takes.

[Ironpyrites]

I have nearly every single detail of her affair, she has been almost desperate to tell me it all and I have even helped her recall times and dates by looking at her Google location history, she told me about every meeting and encounter with her sobbing and clearly in pain as she had to tell me. She has given me access to both her works and personal phone, she has installed 360 life app etc, her transparency has been absolute. Through out the nearly year long discussions about it she has been reduced to tears and despair, I had to wrestle a knife off her once because she was going to harm herself. I have even kept quiet about my own pain at times, because to bring it up made me feel like I was being sadistic towards her. In all honesty I'm not too concerned about the sex side, although it makes me feel sick sometimes but I power through it in my head. I suppose its the amount of consideration and effort she put into him, she shielded him from what our sex life was really like, if he had found out it would have put him off completely. This is man who used to be her boss, is nearly 60 years old had to take Viagra and his effort were sort lived by all accounts, albeit enthusiastic on his part. Its the amount of time she has taken away from our marriage that hurts me most. I often ask in times of anger, how exactly will you give me these 2-3 years back (we argue about when it exactly started).

We have undergone counselling, we have accepted that we can not have children my natural or scientific means and she proclaims her love for me everyday by text and verbally, at night she asks if she can cuddle up to me in bed, I never refuse and she thanks me for giving her a second chance and all the understanding I have given. The crux is probably the same as everyone else ask though, If she loves me this much (which considering the lengths she has gone to I am starting to believe) then how or why did she have this affair? Its really messes with your mind and emotions doesn't it? But why? But why? But why? and so on. Just recently she sent the OM an email. I can post it on here if anyone is interested? I suppose it does go so way to explain. I suppose in my case there is no one main explanation or motive but a culmination of many, non of which by my wife's admission, justify her behaviour or decisions but do go some way to understanding.

Edited December 21, 2015 by Ironpyrites

[harrybrown]

She has not stopped all contact with the OM?

 

Why is she still in contact with him?

 

That is another reason for D.

[Ironpyrites]

She has not stopped all contact with the OM?

 

Why is she still in contact with him?

 

That is another reason for D.

She asked me if she could send the email, she wanted to put the record straight. I read it first and let her send it.

[road]

Well then it is time to stop talking about the affair.

 

 

What are you two doing to heal?

 

 

There is never a reason to justify your WW breaking NC with the OM. That is a huge problem. Did she tell you first or did she do it behind your back?

 

 

Did the OMW know about the affair for that is a must do.

[Ironpyrites]

Well then it is time to stop talking about the affair.

 

 

What are you two doing to heal?

 

 

There is never a reason to justify your WW breaking NC with the OM. That is a huge problem. Did she tell you first or did she do it behind your back?

 

 

Did the OMW know about the affair for that is a must do.

 

Ill probably stop talking about her affair when I'm ready too.

I sent a long and detailed email to his wife about all the times they met up and what they did. I even offered her my support and knowledge. As yet I've received no reply from her as she is probably preferring to believe that my wife is just a whore but its actually her husbands third affair.

I actually encouraged her to write him the email plus our counsellor supported the idea it if it helped. There have been no consequences for him to date to be honest, he still has his wife, well paid job, children and nice big house. This is probably why his wife chooses his lies over the truth.

[stillafool]

since I found out and I still don't feel any better, I still have a million questions and doubts. I'm still with her of course and she texts me everyday claiming her love and care for me but It sort of falls on stony ground. How long did it take for others to start to see any hope?

 

You may never feel better after her affair. That's why it's best to move on and not take them back. You both need a clean start.

[Ironpyrites]

You may never feel better after her affair. That's why it's best to move on and not take them back. You both need a clean start.[/QUO

To have to start again at nearly 50 is not really an option for me, I'm not the type who would ever get into a relationship again as it took me long enough to find and trust the woman I'm with now. I'd end up some reclusive sado living in real crappy accommodation just running down the clock. I'm not really into the fast paced dating and relationships that seem to take place these days.I'm very cautious about any relationship I have with anyone which makes me unpopular. I still happen to love my wife despite what she has done. Getting rid of something you love to have nothing and be miserable has small appeal to me I suppose.