Four months later and I can forgive but can't forget.

[Lifesuxnow]

To make a long story short, my wife cheated on me four months ago, I left for Navy Boot Camp and it's now almost time for me to return home, since being in boot camp I told her that I have forgiven her and I'm willing to try make things work.

 

Since then though I think because of the time a part and my emotions some what going back to stable I re-read all their text messages and emails and I just don't see why I should try again (I forgive her but I feel like she doesn't deserve me). If you can pursue a relationship with another man and actively hide it from your husband and lie to his face, cover up your stories..... Well now I have trust issues and being in the military isn't helping that.

 

Any ways I really want to know based on your opinion:

 

1) would the extent of the affair matter to you in your decision to give them another chance?

 

2) if they lied about everything would you trust them when they said that they didn't sleep with them?

 

Also, the full story is here if you feel like reading an essay. Lol : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/538724-what-would-you-do-if-you-were-my-shoe-s

 

Thanks for your replies.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, I read your original post and back in July, you seemed to agree with everyone that divorce was the way to go since she's a blatant liar and cheater.

 

This woman had started 'grooming' her nether-regions back when she was seeing this clown and you're STILL wondering if she maybe 'didn't' have sex with him? Seriously???

 

It sounds to me as though you're in the bargaining stage of grief. Now that you're close to coming home, you're trying to find ways to accept her atrocious behavior and you're willing to talk yourself into accepting things that you really KNOW aren't true. Like telling yourself 'maybe she really DIDN'T have sex with him.' You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of her not having had sex with her affair partner. No woman goes through the hell of having her privates waxed unless she's a swimsuit model, a porn star, or actively having sex.

 

And I hate to tell you, but BECAUSE she's still lying, you won't be in true reconciliation. When they're still lying they're NOT remorseful.

 

Without remorse, you don't have reconciliation.

 

Lastly, someone without remorse WILL cheat again.

 

You're setting yourself up for failure.

[Darren Steez]

What's changed from the first thread to this?

 

You can ask the same question, rephrase it, start ten more threads. The answer is still the same.

[Lifesuxnow]

Thanks Griffin for your reply, undoubtedly you are spot on the money my friend, I left thinking that there was nothing she could do to repair this marriage, but as you stated I am some what contemplating not getting a divorce and trying to work on things (I guess time makes things easier to process and at times I even forget all this has happened and life is good)

 

to be totally honest all I really want is the truth from her and no one on here can give me that and she sure as hell won't tell me anymore than she already has. i guess I'm searching for some support and courage that I'd be making the right choice by leaving her.

 

Any ways your reply is very much appreciated. Thanks

[kgcolonel]

Lifesux

 

What has you wife said to you since you've been in bootcamp that would lead you to believe she is truly remorseful? Anything???

 

What assurances have you seen that she is not either still intouch with the guy she went to Bali with or someone else?

 

At the very least, I would make "coming clean to all the details you are looking for" a condition of attempted R.

 

I see her as many others as a cheater, backstabber and also, someone that unless she is traveling with you on your deployment, you'll never be at ease for the concern is she cheating / betraying me while I am away. What has she been willing to do to make amends?

 

I see what you are saying but nothing from her on this.....what has she said?

[Marc878]

You are young and this will never go away. Cheaterspeak - kiss=sex. Bank on it.

 

Open your eyes. The woman you married and were in love with was what you wanted to see.

 

What you are seeing now is who she is.

 

Cheaters lie, hide, deny. She has no respect for you or the marriage. You are very naive.

 

This will be your life with her. How do you like it so far??????

 

There are better out there. You have gotten good advice and ignored it. The truth hurts but this is your life. Make something good out of it and move on!!!!!

 

Read. Your story is not unique.

Edited November 15, 2015 by Marc878

[No Limit]

Dude, ask anybody you trust - NOT HER - to research good attorneys in your area and divorce ASAP. Few women are capable military wives, and she definitely is not.

 

You are in the military. You should know that you need a partner who fights alongside you instead of having a dagger with your name on it pointed at your back.

[bubbaganoosh]

If your in the navy then lets face it your going to be away from home a lot. You have a cheating wife and she did this cheating right under your nose while your together so ask yourself if she's by herself while you gone, do you honestly think she's going to keep her word?

 

I read your first post and if it was me, I would have told her the night you skyped her to stay there and have good old Rex take care her and give you a address to send her divorce papers.

 

Your in a no win situation and if it was me, I would tell her to pack up and leave. Your going to have enough on your mind while your gone and you don't need a unfaithful wife adding to it.

[Poutrew]

OK, you're military. How would you react if you found out that your wife was the '8th man' who coordinated the attacks in Paris? Right. Now, before you say my analogy is silly, just remember that your wife, the one single person you need to trust to literally have your back in a critical situation, coordinated and carried out an assault upon your marriage, and by extension, your self. Ask the Parisians what they will do if they find the 8th man alive and living amongst them. That's right - the firing squad. Your alternative to the firing squad for the cheating, lying wifey, is the divorce. Just look at her as the enemy and treat her accordingly, and remember, it was nothing you did - she feathered this bed all by herself.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Being retired I can tell you that it takes a strong couple to make it in the military, just as it does in other service careers (police, fire, health care). The long hours away can put a strain on the relationship for the best of couples. The Navy is notorious for this, if you are in a career field where you have lots of sea duty. I believe that most relationships can be saved if both parties work to fix the problem. However, in cases of infidelity, it has to start with the offending party confessing their sins and being contrite. If this does not occur, then there is really nothing to forgive. Since there does not appear to be any children in the equation, then it is probably best to move on with life in your new career.

[66Charger]

The high rate of suicides in the military is related to problems on the home front. The worst thing you can do for your personal well being is stay with a cheater if you are Military. It will tear you apart. Not only will you put yourself in danger because your mind aint right, but you will put your brothers and sisters in arms in harms way, if you cant focus.

 

She is not your pssession. You cannot force faithfullness. People either have honor or they dont. You have to set yourself on the correct life path, especially at a young age.

 

Research Robbies thread, " fiance cheated while I was deployed". You will see your past, present and possible future.

 

Strength and Honor

[jnel921]

The length and extent of an A does matter. If it is short and brief there may be some way to salvage the M and work through the WS and BS feelings.

 

A long drawn out affair is too calculated and crosses all boundaries to the point of no return. I personally feel its a deal breaker.

 

You are in the military and will be away often. That is going to be tough if you don't trust her now. How are you both supposed to work on the M?

 

Not a great situation to be in. I hope you make the right choice so that you have peace of mind. Good luck to you.

[qubist]

lifesuxnow: sorry you had to deal with this ordeal. but I'm sure you are strong enough to overcome it.

working things out with your wife is possible but she will have to deserve it first. it will have to start with her coming clean with all the details. no pun intended but if you believed that they shared a room in Bali and they didn't have sex you are fooling yourself. she planned the trip to be with him that is as obvious as it can get. other thing what did she do to improve herself? how do you know she won't do it again?

do not offer cheap forgiveness, trust it will always haunt you and never works. forgiveness is a defined process.

if she is still denying she had sex with him or had any feeling for him, tell her to pack her stuff and don't even bother with the effort.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I'm very sorry you are enduring this burden, friend.

 

I have never met a woman that was worth that much energy and effort. I think you deserve better.

[turnera]

There are only two instances where I might give a pass - a one-night stand or when alcohol was involved (but not long term).

[Qboro90]

I read your original post and was baffled at what your wife was doing to you then and utterly disgusted by how callous and easily she manipulated the situation in order to get what she wanted and basically have a vacation with another man while you were away.

 

If I were you I would never be able to trust my wife again if she did this to me. The fact that she did it so easily as well and didn't seem phased at all is even more mind blowing. I'm surprised you didn't catch on sooner and call her out on it because her lies and stories weren't even believable to the most naive parter. It was as if she knew you'd believe even the most outlandish things she told you and not think logically to realize she's having an affair. And I'm not sure if you've ever come to terms with the fact that she had had sex with this other man... Multiple times. Just because she's not telling you she did doesn't mean she's an angel and you should believe her. She's never going to tell you anything that you don't already know or can ever prove unless she has to or is backed it's a corner with irrefutable evidence. So unless you have proof via video of her sleeping with him, she's gonna deny it and hope you want to hold on to the fantasy that she didn't do it in order to save your marriage.

 

Sorry to have to say it, but you're wife is a terrible person and you're setting yourself up for disaster if you try and reconcile with her upon your return. The only thing I'd give her when you get home is divorce papers.

[itmustbeme]

First of all thank you for your service! You are a good man who doesn't deserve to be treated like this. You are also very naive about relationships and what she is doing to you.

 

She waxed her stuff off

She started to have overnights and had a friend cover for her

She went on a vacation with another man

She got a hotel room with him on vacation right before you were to leave

 

Ask any woman in the world and they will tell you they don't go waxing their lady parts, and going off to a romantic place, and staying in a hotel room with a man AND NOT SCREW THEM.

 

I am sure he had his lips on her lips... But I am not talking about the lips on her mouth... I am talking about her freshly waxed lips.

 

Please don't put up with her cheating. You do seem a little passive when you let her treat you like this and do nothing about it.

 

Find a woman who doesn't treat you like this. It was not anything you did but your wife is a tramp. You know every explanation she has given you is a lie why would you think she was telling the truth about the sex? You deserve better!

 

Divorce her and move on.

[Sparta]

Look buddy ... Why don't you read some of the other post in infidelity. Or try other sites that deal with the same situation you're going through. I've been doing it for a while now. A lot of the guys being betrayed by their wives all through their marriages and I never knew some new but let them get away with it and guess what do you think they get again Yep they cheated on him again. You got to cut your losses now buddy she's not good. She's doing this to you now in the beginning of your marriage just wait till things get really tough though buddy think about it think about your future. Listen to everybody here and do yourself a favor get a divorce... Is that the kind of person you want raising your kids. Because you know they'll be time where she's all by herself and if your relationship has any bumps in it you don't you going to do when the going gets tough... Divorce buddy now...!!!

[aliveagain]

Friend, if your in the Navy you need to trust the woman your married to. Change careers or change your relationship, the other option is to accept that you will probably be sharing your wife with other men if you choose your career. She used your trust in her to plan her affair. Make sure you deduct the cost of the trip from your side of the equity split if you decide on divorce. Seriously, what is the benefit of being with a cheater if your career is in the Navy?

 

Your young, you have no children with her, it will never be easier/cheaper to get out of this relationship then now. Your starting point should be to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights. I wouldn't even suggest you stay with her but if you did your requirements for reconciliation should include a polygraph test and a brutal post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you should divorce because of a new infidelity. With so many other choices why settle for a life that includes infidelity and no trust?

[OldRover]

Friend, if your in the Navy you need to trust the woman your married to. Change careers or change your relationship, the other option is to accept that you will probably be sharing your wife with other men if you choose your career. She used your trust in her to plan her affair. Make sure you deduct the cost of the trip from your side of the equity split if you decide on divorce. Seriously, what is the benefit of being with a cheater if your career is in the Navy?

 

Your young, you have no children with her, it will never be easier/cheaper to get out of this relationship then now. Your starting point should be to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights. I wouldn't even suggest you stay with her but if you did your requirements for reconciliation should include a polygraph test and a brutal post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you should divorce because of a new infidelity. With so many other choices why settle for a life that includes infidelity and no trust?

 

You're absolutely right. Lifesuxnow has trusted his wife while he's serving our country, and she betrayed him. It would be really hard to gain that trust back, being gone for periods of time. What a lousy way to live. He deserves MUCH better.

[qubist]

Friend, if your in the Navy you need to trust the woman your married to. Change careers or change your relationship, the other option is to accept that you will probably be sharing your wife with other men if you choose your career. She used your trust in her to plan her affair. Make sure you deduct the cost of the trip from your side of the equity split if you decide on divorce. Seriously, what is the benefit of being with a cheater if your career is in the Navy?

 

Your young, you have no children with her, it will never be easier/cheaper to get out of this relationship then now. Your starting point should be to talk to a lawyer so you know your rights. I wouldn't even suggest you stay with her but if you did your requirements for reconciliation should include a polygraph test and a brutal post nuptial agreement giving you most of the assets if you should divorce because of a new infidelity. With so many other choices why settle for a life that includes infidelity and no trust?

Im really worried about him I hope he is not too dependent on her emotionally, the fact that he believed her when she told him she didn't have sex with this guy while planning a trip with him and sharing a hotel room makes me believe he is just looking for ways to forgive her. I hope I'm wrong

[kgcolonel]

I am also seeing someone who very likely is only interested in the Military Benefits. Healthcare and pension etc.....hell, she can play while he is deployed and still have all the benefits of a M.

 

Maybe too cynical but I see a golddigger here.....in addition to everything else she has shown.

[merrmeade]

Im really worried about him I hope he is not too dependent on her emotionally, the fact that he believed her when she told him she didn't have sex with this guy while planning a trip with him and sharing a hotel room makes me believe he is just looking for ways to forgive her. I hope I'm wrong

That, and just plain being that innocent himself.

 

I did the same thing. Lots of us did. For a long time. They take advantage of your trust. It takes a kind of criminal thinking to justify lying to someone who trusts and loves you. Basically, they rationalize that you don't get hurt this way, even think of it as kind, protecting you. Then, they can walk off unfettered and get back to the irresistible excitement of illicit sex super-charged by the risk of getting caught.

 

Also, being in shock sort of suspends the incredulity at what's happening. You can't swallow the reality yet.

[Mr Blunt]

By lifesuxnow

I am somewhat contemplating not getting a divorce and trying to work on things (I guess time makes things easier to process and at times I even forget all this has happened and life is good)

That sounds like you are so overwhelmed with emotional grief that you are compromising big time!

 

 

I realize that you are very early in your dealing with such a huge blow but acting like an ostrich when a lion is coming at you is going to be disastrous. Her betrayal means that she has very low loyalty and commitment. In addition, she has to be very selfish and weak in the morality department because instead of being honest with you when you had proof of her n betrayal, she lied while she was replacing you with another man.

 

 

 

By lifesuxnow

To be totally honest all I really want is the truth from her

How are you going to get the truth from her as she has proven to lie to you to cover her selfishness?

 

 

You already have enough truth to know that you were rejected and replaced with another man by your weak wife. Do not use the excuse that you need more truth, you know that your wife betrayed you., is that not enough? Now you have to decide if you are going to take a chance that she is going to rebuild herself so that she can acquire solid loyalty and commitment to you or you are going to take your losses and start rebuilding yourself without her. If you are going to try and stay with her you should take into account that you are going to be away from her for months at a time.

 

If you cannot break away from her now you will not be able to break away from her after you have children and are deeply involved financially with her. If you were in your 50-60s and had children with her and had a lot of your financial retirement and assets built up you would be in very tough spot, be somewhat trapped, and may decide to accept being so disrespected because you have such ties to her. That is not your case.

 

 

 

You should divorce her, continue to build yourself up, concentrate on only yourself, and do not fool yourself that you can fix her. If you want to find out if she is serious then allow her a few years after being divorce to prove to you that she will be loyal and faithful. That will give you a whole lot better view of the truth. At this point she has only proved that she will betray you for her own selfish pleasure. ONLY BELIEVE ACTIONS FOR A LONG TIME; DO NOT BELIEVE EMOTIONS AND TEARS!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Lifesuxnow, I have read both your threads. Your first thread started abruptly diving straight into the shady things your wife was doing and with you asking the people on this forum as to what they would do in your shoes. What you did not give the forum folks was a back story about yourselves like how long the two of you were married, how long you knew each other and what you were doing before you decided to join the Navy. That story would also provide folks here with a background to what was happening in your life and marriage and that would give them a better perspective on your situation. Considering that your wife flew off to Bali for a holiday shortly before you were to leave for basic training in the Navy it appears you are located in Australia as Bali is a favourite holiday destination for Australians. However that may be, your story is tragic. As others have pointed out your wife is a remorseless cheater who seems incorrigible. Your life with her is guaranteed to be one long living hell. If after all that you wrote about in your first post, you are prepared to forgive her and reconcile then all I can say is that you are signing your own death warrant. If you want to live the life of a cuckold that is your choice. There are men who choose to be cuckolded voluntarily but such men display signs of being cuckolds early in their life. You can be bringing up children fathered by other men and being responsible for them till they teach adulthood, paying for their education and everything else for this duration. You can live the humiliating life of being ignored and disrespected by your wife while having to support her and meet her needs except her sexual ones and get nothing in return. Alternatively, you can choose to man up, divorce your cheating wife and live an honourable life with an honourable career in the Navy.

You have to take a decision now which will impact your life for ever afterwards, either negatively or positively. So choose wisely. Warm wishes.