My Wife Cheated On Me and I Can't Quel the Anger!!!

[UncontrolledRage]

After reading several posts on this board, I realize that those involved in an affair--either directly (wayward spouse) or indirectly (betrayed spouse)--experience a rollercoaster of emotions. I've seen depression transform into bliss only to watch that bliss fall back to sorrow or despair. In fact, I am one of those individuals that had the "opprotunity" to experience just what the betrayed spouses on this board and in these forums weathered. I recently found out that my wife of seven years was involed in a physical affair with another man. My first reaction to this was...well, emptiness. The inards of my body felt as though they'd been hollowed out only to be replaced by a void. But soon that void was no more. Instead of the cold emptiness that I spoke about before, I could only experience one powerful and controlling emotion: anger. And now I am worried that that anger will destroy any chance that I have of salvaging my marriage.

 

Like most affairs, my wife's grew out of a need not being met in our marriage. She is a very sexually charged person, to say the least. And I was often able to meet her needs, or so I thought. Whenever we became intimate with one another, she always seemed satisfied. Our relationship with one another was very passionate, in and out of the "sack." I was under the impression that our marriage was faring well. If only I knew how wrong I was.

 

Soon, the passion between us began to fade. I still harbored it, but she grew distant both sexually and emotionally. I would beg for her to open up to me, but she would always reassure me that there was nothing to open up about. She said that her love for me was as strong as ever and if there was ever a problem in the marriage she would tell me without hesitation. I trusted her words--then. So, naturally, I didn't put much stock in her strange withdrawal. But that withdrawal soon intensified. There was no embracing, no kissing, hardly any contact at all. Again and again I asked her "what's wrong?". And the only answers I got were "Nothing" or "I'm just going through a phase that's all." Being the supportive husband that I am, I wanted to be there for my wife and I offered to help her through this mysterious phase. She told me that there was really nothing I could do; that she needed to work through it on her own or not at all. I respected this and tried to support her in other, less direct, ways. Unfortunately, nothing changed. I gave and I gave only to receive nothing in return in the way of emotion or passion from her. This lack of emotion affected me to the point where I couldn't stand it any longer. One night, I badgered her and kept pushing and pushing and pushing and pushing until...she cracked.

 

She revealed to me that she'd been having an affair with a co-worker of hers. She assures me that the affair was purely physical and that she loves me just as much as she did when we got married. Personally, I can't beleive a word she says. I'm heartbroken because of her straying. And I'm supposed to believe that she "loves" me? I expressed these feelings to my wife and she broke down in tears. Most men would comfort their woman in a situation like this...but...I didn't. I couldn't. I saw her huddled on the couch, crying her eyes out. The only thing that I could do was walk away (not from the relationship, but in the most literal sense--i.e. I walked out of the room).

 

Currently, my wife has been trying to show me just how remorseful she is. She is more attentitive to my needs now, and she constantly tries to show me that her love for me is still very much alive. Contact with the OM has been eliminated. He no longer contacts her or vice versa (partially because she no longer works her former job). THey say that this is the first step of reconciliation. The wayward spouse cuts himself/herself from the OM/OW and begins to redevote himself/herself to the marriage correct--with imput from the betrayed spouse as well correct? I suppose that my wife's actions are the ideal outcomes of a situation such as this. Perhaps I should feel rejoiced that my wife has moved on from her affair withotu much coercion and is dedicated to me again.

 

But I can't be glad. I can't experience joy, because that joy is almost always overcome by intense anger. Whenever my wife embraces me, I can allow myself to love her back for just one instant. But then I picture her doing the same to the OM; or I simply think of the affiar and my anger comes rushing to me. My wife has noticed these anger-flares. She'll ask "what's wrong?" and similiar to the responses she once gave me I'll simply saty "nothing" or "Don't worry about it." My tone becomes harsh and abrassive. My wife and I can not resume making love because of my anger. She'll often make the first move, but I'll back away in utter disgust--I can't stop seeing her being penetrated by the OM and, thus, I want nothign to do with her sexually. This withdrawal is hurting my wife as much as her withdrawl hurt me. At times she'll break down into tears and I'll holler at her; I'll say mean and evil things out of rage; I'll berate her and chastize her, verbally. Basically, all the rage that I feel inside boils out onto her.

 

Recently it has been scaring me how angry I get with her. I know that she is sorry for what she did and she wants to make it up to me, but how can she when I blast her whenever she tries. Sometimes we get in an argument and it is all that I can do to hold back from hitting her. Yes, I know that that is a very wrong thought. But I can't help it. How can she complain to me or sob about the things that I do when she is the one that had the affair? How can she expect me to give her the affection that she needs after what she has done to me? I would never try to justify or advocate abuse in any form. But I know that I am am guilty of verbally abusing my wife and it really frightens me just how much will I have to slam her against a wall and make a bruise for every shred of pain that she caused me with her affair.

I really need advice from any of you guys/gals. Please help me in anyway that you can

[Ladyjane14]

You said that you found out recently about the affair. The angry feelings are pretty normal. But it's important to keep in mind that they are NOT constructive.

 

Everytime you vent your angry feelings you are not only creating further damage to the marriage, you are missing an opportunity to heal it.

 

The very first thing you have to do, which is difficult when you're still kind of in shock, is to decide if you really do want to save the marriage. Sometimes I think people are just so dumbstruck that they go along with reconciliation for a while before they realize that they just don't want to work it out.

 

Either way, if you feel like your anger is out of control, you need to separate for a time. No matter what your final decision is on the marriage, you DO NOT want to let your anger out in a physical way.

 

I think with men in particular that anger can become a one-size-fits-all emotion. It's easier, and feels more masculine than sadness or fear.

 

If you do want to reconcile the marriage, you'll have to bring your emotions under control........and soon! You'll make progress with that by recognising them for what they are. Give them their correct names, and put them in their place.

 

You could try keeping a journal or two. One at least should be strictly personal, for your eyes only, where you have a safe place to vent your destructive feelings.

 

The other could be a shared journal, where you and your wife could communicate your feelings to each other. Sort of an open letter to each other. Writing helps you slow your thoughts down, and share them in a more controlled way. It allows the other person to correct misconceptions.

 

If you're not getting marriage counseling at this time, DO consider it. The problems in the marriage that led to such a breakdown as an affair, must still be addressed.

 

And remember, while you're dealing with your emotions, to make room for sympathy. It's sympathy that will let your love emerge from beyond the anger. If you can't feel love for your wife right now, strive to sympathize with her.

 

Sympathy is a tender emotion, but it's also very strong. While Love can be blocked by Anger and Resentment, these are not proof against Sympathy.

 

The drawback to relying on it is that Pride has to be set aside. And it'll try to sneak back in like 8 times a day! Pride will tell you that you're being a sap. Pride says that your partner is making a fool of you.

 

Pride is a lion. Sympathy is a lamb. They won't lie down gently together! Particularly not when the lion is experiencing the gnawing hunger of Doubt. Your lion will try to devour your lamb in this situation if you let it.

 

Pride is a good thing. It's the cornerstone of self-esteem. You just have to ALWAYS be careful what you feed it. It's best fed on accomplishment, service to others, the realization of personal goals, good stuff like that.

 

I've learned not to let it feed on my more tender emotions. It finds my negative emotions much less palatable, and if left undeterred it will gorge on everything else leaving me all the rotten ones!

 

This is how I managed to find my way around the constant stinkin' thinkin' that I was having during the crisis period. I had to recognise both Fear and Pride. I had to put them back in their places.

 

Try <URL removed> for more information on improving your marriage. You are "love-busting" all over the place. It will ruin whatever chance of reconcilliation that you might have otherwise had if you don't get it under control soon.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I think what you are experiencing is normal. Certainly marriage counseling is a must. I guess that statement she said to you that she loved you very much when she was in the affair and that it was just purely sexual would really get to me. It indicates that she had no problem having pure sex with this guy and putting your health at great risk and still claiming to love you as a wife as before. I would have great trouble in trusting her in the future since she finds it so easy to separate love for you and great sex with the OM as a purely physical release.

 

Again I suggest marriage counseling and ask yourself deep down what and how you want your future to be. I wish you luck.

[DazednConfused]

Hiya Rage,

 

Mmmmkay my friend, strap yerself in and prepare your self for the long haul. First thing; grow up and stop taking your own insecurities out on your wife. Yes, she did a horrible thing. No, you did not deserve it. You did nothing, and yet here you are dealing with it. It ain't fair. It ain't right. But here it is, get yourself used to it. Nothing you can do to your wife today will change what she did two weeks ago, a month ago, or this morning. Hitting her, throwing her against a wall? Please. All this will do is make you feel worse about everything because from your post physical abuse is NOT in your nature, nor should that ever be an option. Verbal abuse? Do you think it's helping?? Keep it up and the OM wins because if your wife doesn't go running to him, she will at the very least decide that you are an ass and walk out for good. Do you like any of these conclusions?? If not, then be the man in this situation. Take control of yourself my friend or there can be no good outcome.

 

I am speaking a bit harshly here because I want to tell you, I have had the exact same feelings as you for over seven months. I know whereof I speak. Dude, don't make any permanent decisions for at least three months. Do you love your wife? I think from your post that you do, very much. Do you hate her? Possibly, but i doubt it. I am pretty sure you hate her actions, but not her. So take a breath when you talk with your wife. Consider your words before you speak them. Your wife can never repay you for the hurt she has caused; live with it. Find a way to work off your rage that will not hurt your family. Then speak to her as an adult, an equal, and above all, as a rational, intelligent human being. You MUST respect her enough to at least do that.

 

From your post, it sounds like your wife is doing everything she can. Part of this mess from your angle, you have to accept what she is giving. Can she possibly do anything more for you short of cutting off her hands??? Dude, look at her actions for what they are, and try to not only accept, but reciprocate. She needs it. The guilt she is dealing with is staggering. There are two people involved here, you AND your wife, don't be so focused on yourself that you forget that. Granted, she deserves her guilt and consequence, but that makes it no less real and painful.

 

She messed up. Can you forgive a mistake? If you think you can, then do so. Don't let the other guy win because you didn't have the fortitude to be a real man. You did not create the issue, but by god, you can stand up to it.

 

When all is said and done, be the one who can look at himself in the mirror and say "I did everything I could, and I did it with all the respect I could muster." You can give yourself credit if your marriage survives, and you can hold onto that if it fails..... you did your best to clean up the mess made by others.

 

Get a grip..... see this thing for the wake up call that it is and act accordingly.

 

I feel badly about what you are going thru, and I wish you the best.

 

-Dazed

[TMCM]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

 

The very first thing you have to do, which is difficult when you're still kind of in shock, is to decide if you really do want to save the marriage. Sometimes I think people are just so dumbstruck that they go along with reconciliation for a while before they realize that they just don't want to work it out.

 

UncontrolledRage,

 

LadyJane14 is right . You should not decide whether or not you want to save your marriage so soon after d-day [discovery day]. It would be wise to wait until some months pass by and you have a better handle on your anger, before you make a life changing decision pro or against your marriage. The turmoil you are experiencing is because of the internal struggle between your Taker [the side the looks after your interests and doesn't care if others get hurt in the process] and your Giver [the part that looks after other people's interests and doesn't care if you get hurt in the process]. You are emotionally being torn apart by this inner struggle for power between your two sides. How can you call a truce between the two sides? By giving notice to your W that until further notice the marriage is on probation. This will not only help take a lot of the stress off of your shoulders, but it may just do the same for your W who is very probably having doubts herself about whether she should remain married to a H who may never forgive her for her betrayal. Please give some serious thought to this.

 

TMCM

[VivianLee]

I agree with all the advice that you've been given. Y'all may need to even separate while you calm down. Plus, you need to really sit back and think if you can deal with these feelings coming up in some form or fashion the rest of your lives!! It is not something that will be erased out of existence with love and a happy marriage. There will always be triggers.

 

Time is the only thing that you can truly turn to as a promise of being whole. Plus tons of therapy and possibly a few prescriptions!!

 

But as much as you want everything to be okay and as much as your wife loves you and want you and needs your forgiveness....you need to think really, really hard if you can handle what's to come your way as you try to deal with the ultimate betrayal...

 

I thought I could do it, the sad thing is and what I've realized that until I started having my affair, that was the only time I could truly deal with what had happened and of course that type of destructive behavior was NOT good either.....

 

I'm so sorry for your pain!!

[Owl]

Rage-

 

I can understand and feel your pain friend. When I found out about my wife's emotional affair, I destroyed my gas grill, the wooden fence, the steel deck swing, about a million knick-knacks, a computer hutch, and probably tons of stuff I'm forgetting about that week...all with my hands. My hands were shredded and bruised...and I didn't even notice until about 3-4 days later.

 

But, even tho' a lot of that was with my wife right there next to me, she never felt threatened or frightened. She knew me too well...and knew that I wasn't going to hurt her.

 

I can understand the rage, and the pain you're feeling right now. TRUST ME on that one. So please take it from someone who's been there...it CAN and WILL fade.

 

The advice you've gotten before me is sound. If you really do feel this strong of anger, then seriously consider seperating from your wife for a while. Do it for the both of you. Don't make any decisions right now on how to proceed...because you're so hurt and emotional you can't make a good decision right now. Get clear of the wife for a bit...even if you feel you can control your physical anger, the damage you're doing with just the emotions is almost as bad.

 

Everytime you snarl at your wife, or show her how hurt and angry you are, you hurt her right back. Keep it up, and the emotional scars you build may get so bad that you may find yourself at a point where you have calmed down and healed enough to begin rebuilding your marriage, but your wife is so hurt and confused that she isn't. I was very nearly to that point myself.

 

Counseling is a must friend. And look hard at getting both joint marriage counseling, and individual counseling for the each of you. It gives the two of you a forum where you can talk about things with a third party who is nuetral present to keep it from getting out of hand, and who can guide you through the hurt to make the choices you need to make. And the individual counseling would be a good place for you to vent and work through the anger without hurting your wife.

[whichwayisup]

Hey Rage. I read your post and had to reply to it.

 

I am sorry for all your pain...That is very evident in your post. I can see how much you love your wife. She loves you as well. Please don't give up. Give her a chance and most of all, give YOU a chance.

 

You got some wonderful advice from these special people, who unfortunately, have been throught this underservingly like yourself, so really take to heart what they say. It will only help you along in this ****ty process.

 

I am glad to see that you are aware of your anger and thoughts. It's scary to have them I'm sure, but this bad energy is gonna eat you up and I would HATE to see you posting here one day saying that you went too far. You didn't mean to hit your wife. I can tell you are not that sort of person, but in the heat of raw emotional anger things can quickly change! I am not speaking of my own personal experience but of one of my close friends. She didn't have an affair but her husband just had some anger problems, and during a horrible arguement he smacked her across the face and broke her nose. He just reacted. Did not think. Ofcourse, he regretted it instantly. I've met him and had him in my house many times, I trust him and enjoy his company...I never thought he would EVER do anything like that!! I know my friend never thought he would either...Long story short, he is recovered, so much better, took anger managment classes and he changed...But he wanted to change. I really think you need to talk to someone Fast. Please don't make that mistake...You will regret it for the rest of your life. No intent, I know, but Rage, you see that it could be a potient horrible mistake, just as harmful as your wife's affair. Get some therapy, talk about it, deal with the pain...I promise you that will help!!!

 

My personal suggestions in the meantime, when you feel that anger building up, take a deep breath, and remove yourself from the situation. Sit down and write out those thoughts...Getting it out and down on paper WILL help relieve that stress and the anger built up. Also, start working out...Go to a gym, play hockey, Do something physical to get that bad energy out of your system.

 

I hope this helps and please keep posting...Everyone here, as you can see is very supportive and only want to help you through this mess.

 

All the best.

 

WWIU

[johnnyl321]

i think you're feeling what any other testosterone laden male would feel: utterly betrayed and impotent as to what you can, or could have done. reading your story brought out some questions in my own relationship. my g/f does the same; no affection, no talking "i'm going thru a phase, i'll just need to work it out, blah, blah, blah" sometimes i wish she would just say "i'm bored with your fat ass, i'm outta here". something like that, i could deal with, but not the silent treatment so to speak.

anyway, it seems like you're tearing yourself apart. you want time alone, but you're scared she'll find someone else to while away the time with, aren't you? if she's not a slut, don't worry so. it's easy to say "forgive and forget". hell, forgiving is easy, forgetting seems to take the longest time.

have you considered just taking up boxing or martial arts? sometimes those can help you blow off the steam you feel building up. take time off of her, maybe have a few dates on the side. doesn't mean you have to sleep with the girlies, but it can help get your self esteem back on track.

i wish you the best.

[btanner]

Once a cheat, always a cheat..

[Cecelius]

I agree with the other posters that you should not make any rush decisions so that you can proceed with as much class and dignity as possible, which at this point are the things you can hold onto.

 

That said, have you given thought to moving out and letting her know that you consider things over till you've figured out whether you care to be involved or not?

[cetl9]

doh!