Fiance may have cheated and got her pregnant

[SoUnsure78]

I started dating D in July 2012. Everything was great, or so I thought. We worked together, and by the time a year had gone by, I was hearing rumors of him supposedly having a thing with a coworker. I trusted him completely and just disregarded the rumors. In late October of 2013, I found out the rumors were true, and had been true the entire time I was hearing them. Needless to say, I was devastated. I kicked him out (he had moved in with me around the time he had started talking to her), and told him we were through. He got his stuff and left but continued to text and call and come to my house. I decided that I believed what he was saying and decided to reconcile.

 

All was well until August 2014. I had my trust issues of course, but my fiancé became very transparent about everything. I had access to all the phone records, the passwords to his email, facebook and every other social media or Internet related thing. And I checked them. If he told me something then I would do my best to independently verify what he'd said, and every time, it all checked out. I was happier with him then I had even been when we first got together, we decided to get married, it was great.

 

At the beginning of August 2014, I caught wind that this other woman was pregnant. Then I started hearing that she was saying that it was by D. I ended up confronting her and she said that it was true. I was confused because my fiancé was never home late from work (he had changed jobs in March 2014), he never left really early, we were always together, her number was never on our bill, she had remained blocked on Facebook, etc.

 

So I asked her for proof. My fiancé, meanwhile, is denying it vehemently. She says there is no proof. Her claim is that they had resumed communication via a mutual friend 5 days after I found out that he'd had a texting relationship with her. She said by thanksgiving of 2013, they had each made fake facebook accounts and they communicated through the chat function. And she said when he had switched jobs, he would meet her about once a week and they would have sex. She had no proof of this, as I said, and I was completely torn about what to do since they were both proven liars in my book, and I had no proof either way. I ultimately decided that I would give my fiancé the benefit of the doubt, but I told him that as soon as a paternity test showed he was the father that he was going to be out in his ass. I told him if there was even the smallest smidgen of truth to her claims, he'd do well to tell me then instead of waiting and letting me find out later after he'd denied it for months.

 

She had the baby in mid February and we got the letter in the mail yesterday that the paternity test was scheduled for March 30. So now I'm dealing with everything being brought to the surface, like I just found out again. And I told him that actually pursuing a paternity test isn't the action of someone that is lying. He continues to insist that he never ever slept with her and there is absolutely nothing to it.

 

So I hope to have answers by early to mid April. My stress level is through the roof at this moment and I don't see it getting any better over the next 3-4 weeks. I am ready to have an answer one way or the other, so I can move on with my life either with or without him.

[obtuseedge]

Hate to say this, but brace yourself. It's probably his.

[10thengineerharrison]

Even if the baby isn't his, do you really think it's smart to marry a proven liar? Imagine the pain you will feel when he cheats again after you've had a couple of kids together.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[BetrayedH]

Other than perhaps dismissing the initial rumors (which is pretty common since we all tend to trust our SO over other people), I think you've done everything right in terms of trying to salvage the relationship.

 

I get your anxiety over the test but the result can only be positive. You'll either learn that he's been truthful or you'll learn without a doubt that you can move on with a clear conscience. At least you'll no longer be in a position of being unsure.

[d0nnivain]

You need to take a deep breath & a step back.

 

You can't move forward until the paternity test results are back but even if he is not the father, you still have a great deal of soul searching to do. You have good reasons to be suspicious but the fact that you don't believe him is a lousy foundation for a marriage. Are you sure you want to even try to build forever on such shaky ground? Before I plunked down even one cent for wedding planning, I would invest in a tremendous amount of premarital counseling.

[aliveagain]

Why wait for the test? You have all the proof you need. If they will cheat on you before you marry how do you expect them to remain faithful after some of the newness wears off? Why complicate your life with mortgages and children? Run.

[Ronnie33]

My best friend just went through this with her ex except he cheated on her and got them both pregnant. My bestfriend and him were broken up when she found out she was two months prego and he told everyone it wasn't his. Told his new gf who was also prego that it wasn't his. My bestfriend had her son, went to court, got the paternity test ordered and of course the baby was his. Now after a year and a half and lawyers he has to pay her a lot of money and back pay for the time he ignored and denied his child.

 

On another note I was having an affair for two years. We hooked up during our lunch break almost everyday. His girlfriend of two years has no idea and neither did my husband. For the first year we used a texting app that doesn't show up on a phone bill and then we used iMessaging which does not show up on your phone bill because it's data. I'm just telling you this to show you that no matter how monitored you think you have him people in affairs find become very good at finding ways to keep in contact.

[No Limit]

Whether the baby is or isn't his - I truly hope you're smart enough to break up with this guy.

Feeling very sorry for that baby, brought into the world by careless parents.

[minimariah]

On another note I was having an affair for two years. We hooked up during our lunch break almost everyday. His girlfriend of two years has no idea and neither did my husband. For the first year we used a texting app that doesn't show up on a phone bill and then we used iMessaging which does not show up on your phone bill because it's data.

 

this. many ways to keep an affair hidden these days - if you're REALLY good at it + if you're able to lie at home & keep your conscience "quiet" you can get away with... well, pretty much everything.

 

OP - lunch breaks. it's how most people do it + he probably knows you're watching his applications & chats so he probably found a way around it.

 

get rid of him while you still can.

you shouldn't marry a dude who stresses you because he maaaaaybe got another woman pregnant, come on. who wants that?

[SoUnsure78]

Yall know what's really dumb? I am actually pretty sure this kid is his. So then I wonder why didn't I get rid of him 7 1/2 months ago when this all started? For some reason I feel like I have to see this through all the way to the bitter end, and I don't know why.

 

Also, there is definitely NOT going to be a wedding until I am comfortable, if we even stay together. We are older and I've been divorced before and don't want to do it again (I was married for 16 years, and have 4 kids, ranging from 10-19. I'll be 37 this year and can't have kids anymore).

 

And you know, part of me is excited to be on my own. I got married to my children's father when I was 17 and haven't really had a long period of time since then where I haven't been with a man.

 

I'm sorry this is so rambling. I just have all these thoughts jumbled up in my head. I obviously have not dealt with any of this from way back when it first started. He has just wanted it to disappear and just says she's crazy. I have told him even just a couple of days ago, that we are through if he's the father. He probably doesn't believe me but I can't and won't be with him if he has a baby with her. And honestly with all the feelings this has brought back up, I'm not sure that I want to be with him even if it's not.

[aliveagain]

Yall know what's really dumb? I am actually pretty sure this kid is his. So then I wonder why didn't I get rid of him 7 1/2 months ago when this all started? For some reason I feel like I have to see this through all the way to the bitter end, and I don't know why.

 

Also, there is definitely NOT going to be a wedding until I am comfortable, if we even stay together. We are older and I've been divorced before and don't want to do it again (I was married for 16 years, and have 4 kids, ranging from 10-19. I'll be 37 this year and can't have kids anymore).

 

And you know, part of me is excited to be on my own. I got married to my children's father when I was 17 and haven't really had a long period of time since then where I haven't been with a man.

 

I'm sorry this is so rambling. I just have all these thoughts jumbled up in my head. I obviously have not dealt with any of this from way back when it first started. He has just wanted it to disappear and just says she's crazy. I have told him even just a couple of days ago, that we are through if he's the father. He probably doesn't believe me but I can't and won't be with him if he has a baby with her. And honestly with all the feelings this has brought back up, I'm not sure that I want to be with him even if it's not.

 

What are you showing your kids, they look to you as their example. They must have some idea of whats going on. If you had to give them advice about being in a similar situation, what would it be? Settle, marry a cheating spouse or don't compromise yourself that you can do better?

[Satu]

This guy is worthless.

 

Let him go.

[BetrayedH]

I'm kinda surprised the OW didn't have proof before, though. When they ask (on the OM/OW forum) about coming clean, I always advise to bring proof. If they had these fake FB accounts, she could easily provide that info to you (screen shots if nothing else) rather than going thru a paternity test.

 

Some OW do go a bit nuts if they "lose" their man to the betrayed partner and then try to stir up trouble. It should be interesting to see which is the case here. Are you in a position to ask for proof now? I'm guessing you must be if you're coordinating on paternity testing. If she had proof now, perhaps you could save yourself another month and a half of bullcrap.

[BlackHat]

And I told him that actually pursuing a paternity test isn't the action of someone that is lying. He continues to insist that he never ever slept with her and there is absolutely nothing to it.

 

As a cheater, let me explain something: You can caught me in bed with 10 naked girls in the middle of the act, with a notary, 2 police officers, and a judge sitting right next to my bed, with sworn declarations from all the girls signed with the blood of their respective unborn children...and I will still deny that I was even there.

 

Cheat and lies...you know how the song goes, right?

 

HOWEVER, it is common that, when accused of being the father of a baby, in order to clear up your name you MUST take a paternity test. You see, unlike women, we men are guilty as soon as a female says so, so we need to find proof of innocence.

 

The law goes as follows: She has the baby and puts somebody's name as the father. If the guy doesn't say otherwise, he IS the father, regardless of what the DNA says. In fact, I have known cases where the guy had no idea and by the time he found out he was a "legal" dad it was too late because, according to court, too many months had already passed. Yes, great justice system we have.

 

As someone who faced a similar issue and successfully won a perjury case, pocketing good money and leaving her to pay my very expensive lawyer's bill, I advice you to tell your boyfriend to sue her for perjury and misuse of his personal data, among many other things he can sue for.

 

From personal experience he will only need less than 100 dollars for a legal consultation, and he is in to earn thousands...of course, if he did not have sex with her.

 

If he agrees, then your boyfriend did not cheat. If he makes any excuse, then he did cheat on you regardless of whether the baby is his or not.

 

That will put the guy in a corner. All you have to do is see how he reacts. In fact, I would make it even better. Tell him that you have already booked a legal consultation for the perjury case "because he is so sure he never had sex with her". You can made up the date and time.

[10thengineerharrison]

I'm actually a little encouraged that you're not a young whipper-snapper and have been through some of this before. It gives me some confidence that you can do the right thing by you and your kids and run screaming from this "relationship".

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[SoUnsure78]

What are you showing your kids, they look to you as their example. They must have some idea of whats going on. If you had to give them advice about being in a similar situation, what would it be? Settle, marry a cheating spouse or don't compromise yourself that you can do better?

 

What I hope I am showing my kids is that everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but I just feel like I have to see it through.

 

To BetrayedH, trust me, I asked her about any kind of proof. She said her fake facebook had been hacked and she couldn't get back into it, and of course he said one never existed. I said well, if you guys talked regularly for months then tell me some things that he told you that not just anybody would know. So she told me some things, but none of it was anything earth shattering, or that she couldn't have got from another source.

 

As an aside, her twin sister was my boss at work at the time, so there was a few different ways she could have gotten information on us, if she was so inclined. I also caught her in a couple of lies that I could prove were lies. It was like there was enough evidence to make me question (and the fact that he'd been involved with her before), but not enough for me to be sure that she wasn't just scorned and trying to get back at him.

[No Limit]

but not enough for me to be sure that she wasn't just scorned and trying to get back at him.

 

That woman is most likely going to spend a good portion of her life trying to "get back at him", because most likely she's so naive that even though he's denying and denying she's still believing that he'll "come around" and play baby daddy just because they had an affair.

 

Be glad you're not stuck like her and found this out before you married - otherwise if he suddenly lost his job or anything the child support would be taken from your purse.

[BetrayedH]

What I hope I am showing my kids is that everybody deserves the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but I just feel like I have to see it through.

 

To BetrayedH, trust me, I asked her about any kind of proof. She said her fake facebook had been hacked and she couldn't get back into it, and of course he said one never existed. I said well, if you guys talked regularly for months then tell me some things that he told you that not just anybody would know. So she told me some things, but none of it was anything earth shattering, or that she couldn't have got from another source.

 

As an aside, her twin sister was my boss at work at the time, so there was a few different ways she could have gotten information on us, if she was so inclined. I also caught her in a couple of lies that I could prove were lies. It was like there was enough evidence to make me question (and the fact that he'd been involved with her before), but not enough for me to be sure that she wasn't just scorned and trying to get back at him.

 

Yeah, I think you're gonna be stuck waiting for the paternity test, then. I'd want to know who is lying about that one critical item.

 

In the meantime, I'd consider a GPS and a VAR for his car.

[sandylee1]

As a cheater, let me explain something: You can caught me in bed with 10 naked girls in the middle of the act, with a notary, 2 police officers, and a judge sitting right next to my bed, with sworn declarations from all the girls signed with the blood of their respective unborn children...and I will still deny that I was even there.

 

Sorry to T/J OP. I think this says something about the intellect of type of women you target. That in the face of irrefutable evidence they are in denial.

 

.

 

OP

 

Starting marriage when you don't trust your partner isn't the best idea. It's on shaky ground from the get go.

You're stuck monitoring his tech, more than your kids phones because of his prior cheating.

 

Why not put the wedding on hold, even if the baby ends up not being his.

 

If he didn't sleep with her, she is a nasty vengeful woman, which is not unheard of by any means. Thank God DNA does not lie.

 

Some would suggest a polygraph to see if he did have sex with her, but personally I think if I have to do this with my H, I shouldn't be in the relationship.

 

I know the 30th of March will seem like forever.

[Mr. Lucky]

All was well until August 2014. I had my trust issues of course, but my fiancé became very transparent about everything. I had access to all the phone records, the passwords to his email, facebook and every other social media or Internet related thing. And I checked them. If he told me something then I would do my best to independently verify what he'd said, and every time, it all checked out.

 

Even if the baby is not his, why would you marry someone who's conduct is so suspect you have to verify it in this way?

 

I'd be exhausted ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[d0nnivain]

Yall know what's really dumb? I am actually pretty sure this kid is his. So then I wonder why didn't I get rid of him 7 1/2 months ago when this all started? For some reason I feel like I have to see this through all the way to the bitter end, and I don't know why.

 

 

You don't have to see this through to the bitter end. If you walk away now, it's still the end. Later only means you get to laud it over his head more but you still have to put up with him until the test results come back. Not worth it, IMO.

 

 

If it gives you closure, who am I to deny you that?

 

 

But whatever you do, do it because you want to. Do it because your kids will be proud of you. Do not do it because you think you owe him something.

[SoUnsure78]

BetrayedH, we both have iPhones with iOS 8, so we have both shared our location with the other, meaning we can see where the other is as long as the phone is on and charged. We've had our phones set this way since iOS 8 came out. We also have shared an Apple ID for a while now, so if he downloads an app on his phone or iPad, it also downloads to my phone, so I know he's not downloading texting apps or anything.

 

Mr. Lucky, we had just reconciled from an emotional affair at that time, so there were huge trust issues. Yes, it was a pita to do all that, but it was necessary for my peace of mind and I didn't think that it would go on forever. I thought we'd eventually get past all of it completely.

 

And yes, March 30 seems about a thousand years away right now.

[beach]

BetrayedH, we both have iPhones with iOS 8, so we have both shared our location with the other, meaning we can see where the other is as long as the phone is on and charged. We've had our phones set this way since iOS 8 came out. We also have shared an Apple ID for a while now, so if he downloads an app on his phone or iPad, it also downloads to my phone, so I know he's not downloading texting apps or anything.

 

Mr. Lucky, we had just reconciled from an emotional affair at that time, so there were huge trust issues. Yes, it was a pita to do all that, but it was necessary for my peace of mind and I didn't think that it would go on forever. I thought we'd eventually get past all of it completely.

 

And yes, March 30 seems about a thousand years away right now.

 

But he hasn't handed you peace of mind now has he?

 

And if I don't have peace of mind I immediately eliminate the source that "makes me wonder".

 

Honestly, I can't imagine why you'd even think of staying for one second longer. He's ALREADY been the cheater. He's already lied to you for an extended time.

 

 

And IF he wanted to prove his innocence he could swab the baby and send the swab in for quicker results. Has he offered to do that?

 

IF you consider staying with him at all - first requirement to even consider it should be a polygraph test done immediately.

[SoUnsure78]

I was getting there with the peace of mind before she came up pregnant. Like I said, everything was checking out, and I was feeling more comfortable and starting to be able to let it go more and more. I expected it to be a long process but it was going well. As I said in my op, I was happier with him then than I'd been when we first started dating.

 

I know he cheated. I felt like (at the time that I found out), that he was sincere with his regret and did want to fix our relationship as much as I did. I have no proof that he did any of the things she claims after that. She told me that this baby was all the proof she had. He asked her when we first found out if she would be willing to do a prenatal blood dna test and we would pay for it. She refused.

 

I'm not sure how you think he would swab the baby at this point. He hasn't spoken to the other woman since this all came out. I haven't talked to her since August myself. She continued to try to communicate with me, and she called both of us at work at different times. I had to threaten harrassment issues to get her to back off, and I went to management at my store over it.

[No Limit]

He's not sincere about reconcilitation, he only wants to "keep" you. The fact that he impregnates women on the side and abandons them directly afterwards should be a great red flag to you.