Husband Caught Sexting Young Coworker

[lucille0]

It's been four weeks since d-day and I'm not feeling any better. Which I'm sure is absolutely normal. Regardless, I need to vent and hopefully receive some sort of advice.

 

Long story short, I caught my husband sexting a coworker of his. I found out this has been going on for almost a year. Meanwhile, I was pregnant and gave birth to his child...during and after all of this. And it started when we had been married together for only 9 months, together in general for 8 years.

 

I asked him to stop talking to her because it bothered me, I trusted him to a point but the fact that they were communicating so much in general bothered me and he said that there was nothing going on between them and that he would stop. I asked him to stop more than once and he didn't.

 

I asked him if they were communicating sexually or if he had pictures of her on his phone and he said no. He lied about this more than once as well.

Of course now that he knows that I know, everything is out on the table. He says nothing got physical, and I believe it because the recent messages I read alluded to the fact that it hadn't gotten physical, yet. He said that he had no intentions of it ever becoming physical, but just did it for the “excitement”. When I looked at the times/dates of these messages, it was sometimes going on RIGHT in front of me, feet away while I was tending to/nursing our child.

 

She of course loves the attention so should would eat it up and reciprocate but it seemed he was always the one initiating, the first to text. He was the one who would ask for a picture. I only read three days of what was almost a year of “sexting” so I’m sure she often voluntarily sent him pictures without him asking, but anyway.

 

He is very remorseful. I know he feels badly about it and guilty. He said he did feel badly about it and guilty about it then but he said he thought it was something he would just stop and forget about and that I wouldn’t find out. He said he never thought I’d find out so he never thought of the repercussions of his actions and he doesn’t know why. He said he’ll never lie, betray/cheat on me again.

 

Even if it had no intentions of getting physical (which I’m not sure I entirely believe but I’m trying to trust him again) and he promises he will do whatever it takes for me to regain his trust and work to keep the relationship…I still can’t get past the fact that he lied about it more than once, didn’t stop talking to her after I asked him to more than once, and did it in front of me…for a year, while I was carrying his child.

 

Not only has this obviously affected our relationship as a whole, because he was acting on his sexual fantasies with a girl who is younger and frankly more attractive than me, I am having extreme self-esteem/body issues. I was finally getting used to my “new body” after the baby until I found this out. I feel good about myself in general, but no longer around him. I don’t feel “good enough” or “sexy” around him. I realize I’m sidetracking a bit but…it’s not only what he did but how it makes me feel.

 

We have considered counseling. It is very expensive. I do not think we can afford it. Something we would really need to budget for. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes including counseling regardless of the expenses…but I really don’t think we have the money. Anyway, I hope there is some advice to take from here. If not, it felt good to vent.

 

Thank you,

 

Lucy

[badpenny]

What WILL it take?

 

What do you want to see happening?

 

Are you of the opinion - right now, at this moment - that you can probably move on from this, or do you think this will stay with you for good?

 

You see, the ball is really in your court.

He's the one who has to do the work, make it up to you, repair the damage, earn your trust - but what is it you want him to do?

 

The way you feel about yourself, is the way he has made you feel.

It's up to him to redress that balance, too.

 

And I trust he has told this woman everything that has happened, and that everything must now cease, instantly?

 

And one of them may well have to consider changing jobs - because while they work together, it's not going to sit well with you, is it?

[BetrayedH]

My major concern is his statement that he doesn't know "why." I'm not saying it's atypical but for him to learn his personal "why" is important. If he doesn't know why, then there's no way to identify when you may suffer a repeat performance. Frankly, what has he learned about himself and what has changed such that a future opportunity to sext would have a different outcome? If it's just going to be your investigative skills, I wouldn't want to live like that.

 

That said, it may take him some time. But the passage of time doesn't solve these problems; it's what he does with the time that matters most.

 

The reality is that you don't need marriage counseling. He needs individual counseling. Infidelity is not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

[Rainbowlove]

I'm really sorry you have to go through this.

 

First off, know this isn't about you. It's not about what you did or didn't do. It's not about how you look. I'm sure you are beautiful now and I'm sure you were beautiful carrying his baby. Please let that go, or try to.

 

This is about your husband's lack of boundaries, big ego and low self-esteem.

 

If you want to give him another try, I respect that...but please make sure he gives you full transparency and is accountable for what he's doing with his phone, computer and personal time. Be firm about that.

 

Also, yes, make counseling a priority. Find a way to get the money, it's an important piece in putting your marriage back together.

 

Please find help.

 

My heart is with you...RL.

[VeryBrokenMan]

The reality is that you don't need marriage counseling. He needs individual counseling. Infidelity is not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

 

I agree with this 100%. Cheating is about what is wrong with him, not what is wrong with you or your marriage. There are plenty of marriages that are unhappy where there is no cheating. And there are plenty of marriages that are happy and the cheating still happens.

 

An IC has really helped my wife see her issues and I highly recommend it. You may need to talk to an IC yourself to deal with the loss. Infidelity is not something that is easy to deal with on your own. My IC recommended that we not attempt MC for quite some time, she feels the WW (or WH) needs to address their own issues before MC can be helpful.

 

I'm really sorry for your loss. There are some compassionate people here that can help and relate to everything you are feeling.

[minimariah]

i'm sorry, sweetheart... if i were you, i wouldn't spend money on counseling. instead, i would start saving up for the divorce & solo life with the child.

 

he messed up BIG time and he did it in a super disrespectful way, the entire situation looks hopeless to me. my advice to you is - focus on you & your baby, surround yourself with your loved ones (family & friends), do things you love, enjoy the time with bonding with your child.

 

if you decide to work on your marriage - either go counseling or maybe start reading some helpful books if you can't afford counseling right now? there is so much material online on infidelity, maybe you can start with that - both of you, just sit down and talk, talk, read, learn and talk some more. then maybe you can start counseling when you have the money.

 

i'm sorry you're going through this.

you deserve better and i really hope you'll divorce him - i truly think that's the best in your situation.

Edited March 13, 2015 by minimariah

[darkmoon]

he has yet to prove his love, you can not both be sitting there, move on, you need a distraction, idk, some new thing, a pic-nic, whatnot

[velvette]

I think you cant afford not to get counseling.

 

 

Tell your H to get a second job to pay for it.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have considered counseling. It is very expensive. I do not think we can afford it. Something we would really need to budget for. He said he is willing to do whatever it takes including counseling regardless of the expenses…but I really don’t think we have the money.

Thank you,

 

Lucy

 

How expensive - both short and long term - is divorce ???

 

There is no right or wrong answer here. I disagree with the "no MC" advice as it can give a structured environment in which necessary changes can be implemented. In conjunction with IC, it can help him get to "Will I?" and you to "Can I?" quicker. And that may be important to you.

 

Recovery, if it's going to occur, is a long process. And you've very early on. Keep posting ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lucille0]

Thank you everyone for all of your responses. I truly appreciate it. I will try to respond to most of the questions...

 

Currently, at this moment, no, I do not see getting past this...but it is still so very fresh. I think I still need time to process.

 

He has told her that I know and has ceased all contact. Yes they still work together...it bugs me but he is looking for another job elsewhere. I told him to not talk to her at work whatsoever unless it is absolutely necessary for work related issues. He agrees and I believe has followed my request.

 

He still has not said why. He said he doesn't know why...that there was no "smoking gun" and that he didn't get much out of it didn't hold "much weight". Then why do it at all? And why for so long? And I agree that if we don't know the answer then there is no moving forward...he claims there was no intentions on it ever getting physical. It is so hard to believe. Why do it for so long if you weren't hoping it would go somewhere? He said that it was getting boring so each time he tried to top the last time. WTF. If it's boring the right thing to do would be to stop, right? I wish I could just get inside his head. I've tried. We've talked for hours and still I feel...miserable.

 

He has agreed to full transparency. But a part of me does not look in his phone/doesn't want to because then the trust goes nowhere....there's no building of trust. I believe if he knew I was going to be going in his phone, he probably would not have anything there I wouldn't approve of. See what I mean kind of? If someone knows you will know about it...they will be "faithful" if someone knows you won't know about it...they won't. Which is why it happened and why I ended up snooping. I feel like I have to snoop to make sure nothing is going on which negates the whole point of trying to put my trust in him and not looking ugh I don't know, sorry if that was confusing. Anyone follow that?

 

I have gotten books and have been reading them. They help a bit. Still considering counseling.

 

I know that this is not my fault but I feel inadequate about myself.

 

Thanks again for the support.

 

-Lucy