Dillema over my online lover

[notsopuremagnolia]

OK so here's some basic information regarding what is going on for me right now. I'm married with 2 young kids. We have been together 20 years, married for 10 nearly.

 

For years now (since I got pregnant) thigs have been not so good between my hubby and I. I think I grew up and started being responsable when I got pregnant and he just... didn't. He never says anything positive to me, never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and constantly criticises me or belittles me. I feel like I'm an inconvenience and certainly not liked let alone loved. And I DO crave some love in my life. Is that so wrong?

 

He drinks to excess on a night (he cut down from 3 bottles of wine to 1 bottle per night after an ultimatum he was given in November - see below) and this is when he becomes REALLY verbally and mentally abusive to me. I try not to talk to him and keep out of his way whenever he is like this. He has improved recently due to the ultimatum (divorce or cut downn on the drinking and abusive behaviour) but I just stick to doing stuff on facebook / chat rooms so that I don't provoke this behaviour in him. No talk = not so much of a chance of him getting nasty. He has never hit me. Originally he was on 3 bottles of wine (before November) and the abuse was almost nightly. I couldn't take it and last Summer told him I would not be wearing our wedding rings and never have since. It's not like there's exactly a marriage. He's more like a lodger.

 

I have also refused to have sex with him anymore because I don't want sex with someone who only ever shows me any affection when that is what he is after. It was making me feel even more used. I am intending on asking for a trial separation once we return from holiday after easter. If I ask for one before that it will be a holday from hell. He supposedly now only has one bottle of wine a night but I have started to go to the gym on an evening to a) keep out of his way and b) lose some weight so I can increase my confidence. I am now unsure that he is sticking to his one bottle as he only used to stagger to bed after more than 2 bottles and now he is staggering to bed after just 1. No proof though.

 

I have never ever considered looking for a relationship outside of our marriage. I haven't even seen many men that I find attractive and when I do its certainly not something I would persue. However I started going to an online chat room for people with anxiety / depression (which I have) about 2 years ago and am now a moderator there. It has been extremely helpful to me. However, while there I met someone who has turned my world upside down. I never for a moment even considered that I might find someone or would even want to find someone else, especially in an anxiety chat room. I have always said that if I ever had the confidence to leave my hubby then I would never allow another man into my life. He also has anxiety and depression.

 

We started out as just friends, completly platonic. We became very close friends and then BAM I fell for him. I thought he might also feel the same but decided not to say anything because I didnt want an affair. However in the end it was just eating me up and making my depression even worse so I told him. His response was to tell me that because he had been so hurt in the past (he found his first wife in bed with another man and divorce ensued) he just wasn't interested in any relationship with any woman. Fair enough.

 

We remained close friends and after a couple of months he messaged me to let me know that he WAS interested or at least possibly interested and that we should meet up to see if there was anything more than friendship there in real life. GREAT . I was one happy lady. We went on for a couple of months and didn't meet up immediately because he wanted to lose weight before I saw him, not that I cared about his weight.

 

Then about a month ago I called it all off. He didn't seem to like me as much as I liked him, was blowing hot and cold (this is what I struggled with most), I could not move away from where I live and couldn't ask him to move even further away from his kids, I want another child but he didn't etc etc. It just wasn't going to work.

 

He agreed but then 2 weeks later he messaged me saying he cared ever so deeply for me, was prepared to move and wanted a family with me... provided we got on well when we met up obviously. That made me the happiest woman alive.

 

Then a couple of days ago things changed again. He called it off. he is currently on the sofa at his ex wife's (they are actually only separated and have been for well over a year and there is nothing between them) house visiting his kids for a week or 2. He has told me that he doesn't want to be reponsable for the berak up of my marriage even though he knows fine well that it was alredy broken before I even met him. I get that. I do. Especially after what he went through with his first wife. I can't blame him at all but he ISN'T the reason I want to leave my husband. I've wanted to for years but I just haven't had the courage and he has given me confidence, made me feel good about myself and that was giving me the inspiration to actually do something about getting a divorce.

 

He has also recently said that his kids are his priority. Again, fair enough. He lives 320 miles from them now and if he lived up here he would be 360 miles from them. He is now thinking of moving closer to hs kids and fair play to him. However I am truly devastated. More than I can say. I can't think of anything else, I haven't eaten in 3 days and I hate to admit it but I have gone in search of another online relaationship

 

A Dom/sub relationship where I am punished like the bad little girl that I am. Not because I want a relationship with anyone if I can't have him but because I deserve punishment (yes I AM messed up). I know some of you will be appauled and sick that I am doing this but it is more a form of self harm than a need for a relationship. I feel in control this way... I can leave whenever I want and I truly believe that I deserve to suffer and this is my choice regarding HOW I receive that punishment. Much easier to cope with than that from my hubby. I don't imagine that many people can comprehend my need to be punished but it is the way it is. But this is VERY out of character for me. I am usually such a moral person. I honestly am. I always kept my nose clean.

 

What I am struggling with most is not having my online lover anymore, the one I LOVE and NEED. I am sure he feels the same as you don't just tell someone you want kids with them if you don't love them and I know for certain that he IS genuine, kind, caring and not just leading me on. But I am so confused and hurt. I actually want to die but obviously I would never go down that road as I could never do that to my kids.

 

Anyway, I was hoping that you guys might me able to guide me as to what action to take. I want and need my online lover and not my hubby and if I had my online lover I wouldnt need or want a Dom/sub relationship at all. He makes me feel so good that I don't feel the need to be punished. I feel the need to be loved for once. oh and.. aologies for the thesis and congratulations if you didn't give up reading before here!

[whatcanitellyou]

Ditch them both. Your hb is a jerk but this online thing isn't going anywhere, he's an outlet from your problems at home. Get rid of the jerk at home and put yourself together for a real relationship.

[notsopuremagnolia]

I know you are right about my hubby but this guy is my last chance. I can't put myself through trying for another relationship again. I don't want anyone else. Aannd even if i did decide to forget him (as if I could) tht really would be it. Been bitten once too many times.

[SawtoothMars]

I know you are right about my hubby but this guy is my last chance. I can't put myself through trying for another relationship again. I don't want anyone else. Aannd even if i did decide to forget him (as if I could) tht really would be it. Been bitten once too many times.

 

If you ever want to be happy then you must. It seems clear you are attracted to abusive type guys. I don't think your chatroom lover sounds much better than your Husband.

 

It's clear that your self harm and need to be punished feelings are bleeding into your dating choices. My thought is that perhaps you were abused in the past... as this can create that kind of thinking.

 

I strongly suggest divorce and a period of intense therapy and counseling. If you keep choosing quick emotional fixes over actually dealing with the feelings that make you depressed and unhealthy you will never move forward. I know that you are a good person and if you work at this you can overcome any struggle!

[whichwayisup]

He never says anything positive to me, never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and constantly criticises me or belittles me. I feel like I'm an inconvenience and certainly not liked let alone loved. And I DO crave some love in my life. Is that so wrong?

 

No, it's not wrong. Since he hasn't changed and grown up, isn't being the husband you want him to be, divorce. It really is that simple.

 

Be alone for a while. Get counseling and be the best mom you can to your kids.

[A.Moscote]

Anyway, I was hoping that you guys might me able to guide me as to what action to take.

Work on your situation step by step. There is no one switch to turn it all around, everything, into one perfect dream life. Be patient.

 

Imo, the most important first step is to get out of your marriage.

All the other problems will be much easier to be managed when you are single later. So focus on that, prepare yourself. Spend most of your times, efforts, and energy towards that goal. Show that in your posts, I'm sure many more here will want to support you in that direction.

 

At the same time please be wise, back off from both that weird lover of yours and the escapism of a D/s relationship.

[notsopuremagnolia]

I don't think your chatroom lover sounds much better than your Husband.

 

My thought is that perhaps you were abused in the past... as this can create that kind of thinking.

 

I strongly suggest divorce and a period of intense therapy and counseling...I know that you are a good person and if you work at this you can overcome any struggle!

 

Thank you so much.

 

Point 1 - He is SO much better than my husband, he is kind and loving and is ALWAYS there for me, he listens to me and has never said anything mean to me. He is my ideal, my knight in shining armour and I think he is just confused about what he wants from life right now. He has already told me that if in fact he doesn't move nearer his kids then he is highly likely to want me back but knows that he shouldn't do that too and must resist

 

Point 2 - yes, once, a long long time ago

 

Pont 3 - I am alredy in counselling and it is working wonders but have gone downhill drastically rececntly. Annd THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for not judging me in the way I expected to be judged when I wrote this. I knew there was no point at all in writing the post if I wasn't completely honest though so that's what you gott...honesty.

[notsopuremagnolia]

Be alone for a while.

 

But that is the biggest thing (other than upsetting my kids) that is STOPPING me from asking for a divorce. Being alone scares me big time. Sometimes even negative behaviour, if coupled with not being entirely lonely, is slightly better than being completely alone. But I DO know that this HAS to end in divorce. It's just taking the first step on that road that I'm scared of. If I change my mind there will be no way back.

[BlackHat]

I wrote you a very long post, but I realize that it would put me in trouble because here we have to sugar coat most things.

 

So let me give you the sugar-coated version.

 

You are very messed-up, and that would be fine and dandy if it wasn't because you have 2 kids who are witness of daddy the alcoholic and mum looking for the next drama.

 

I say this without irony: You need therapy. You really do. You MUST fix yourself before you go to you next toxic relationship.

 

Please, for your kids, go get help.

[No Limit]

Point 1 - He is SO much better than my husband, he is kind and loving and is ALWAYS there for me, he listens to me and has never said anything mean to me. He is my ideal, my knight in shining armour and I think he is just confused about what he wants from life right now. He has already told me that if in fact he doesn't move nearer his kids then he is highly likely to want me back but knows that he shouldn't do that too and must resist

 

Listening and providing kind words are the standard of a normal relationship. He seems like a knight in shining armor to you because you've been in a bad, abusive relationship for too long. At this point your online contact does more harm than good, because he distracts you from what's really going on and what you must really fix - yourself. And you have to do it alone, not with a drinking jerk pulling you 10 miles back every time you do 1 step forward.

 

Pont 3 - I am alredy in counselling and it is working wonders but have gone downhill drastically rececntly. Annd THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for not judging me in the way I expected to be judged when I wrote this. I knew there was no point at all in writing the post if I wasn't completely honest though so that's what you gott...honesty.

 

Those who get the hammer-of-forum-judgement are those who do it out of selfishness and need to feel the full force to wake up. You too need some of that force but more like pillow-fighting-force instead of the hammer.

[notsopuremagnolia]

I wrote you a very long post, but I realize that it would put me in trouble because here we have to sugar coat most things.

 

I wrote this post and was completely honest about everything. I did not expect everyone to be all "there there". I expected people to be angry and disgusted with me so please don't feel like you can't be honest because in there there may well be some constructivve criticism that I can use to help me with all this. I'm a big girl and I'm used to harsh words so a few more really makes no difference at all.

 

You are very messed-up, and that would be fine and dandy if it wasn't because you have 2 kids who are witness of daddy the alcoholic and mum looking for the next drama.

 

I completely agree. I DEFINITELY AM messed up big time. There's no doubting that. I agree its not good for the kids to see their dad drunk but to be honest he only drinks after they are in bed so... nott so much of an issue. But still an issue beause of how he treats me during the day wheen he isn't drunk. He's nowhere near as bad then but he certainnly doesnt show me any thoughtfulness or treat me like any human being deserves to be treated.

 

As for the drama I completely disagree on that one. All this IS drama, admittedly, however the drama of the abusive online relationship has only been going on a week or so. The "drama" of the good online relationship has been going on for a few months to be fair but I have managed 20 years with my hubby with no drama at all which ony proves that being dramatic is not usually in my nature. I am usually a very responsable and respectaable person beleive it or not. It was never anything I ever actively went to seek that's for sure and beleive me I am hating every minute of it. Annnd I deserve that, I know, but it is what it is. So I'm not quite sure how I qualify as a drama queen.

 

I say this without irony: You need therapy. You really do. You MUST fix yourself before you go to you next toxic relationship.

 

Please, for your kids, go get help.

 

As already stated above in my replies I am already in counselling which has been helping massively until the last 2 weeks when things have gone drastically down hill. I have counselling tomorrow and am not looking forward to looking her in the eye when I tell her all this. At least here you can't see people's judgemental eyes (although she's not the judgemental type but will be very shocked as it isn't the sort of thing she would expect of me) and it is more impersonal. As for toxic relationships... that is what I am wanting to AVOID if I'm honest. I want to feel good enough about myself to feel I deserve a good relationship rahter than having to resort to a bad one for punishment. I'm actually wanting a loving relationship for hte first time in god knows how many years! That is real progress for me. But right now I don't think tthat will ever be an option for me sadly. Ah well, being alone is better than being in a relationship wiht my hubby.

 

I have also decided that once I return from holiday I NEED to ask for a trial separation from my hubby. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that but it IS what is best for my kids and I. The problem I have though is I commonly go from thinking "yes I need a separation" to "no I cant cope with being alone" over and over. I guess I just need to get on and strike while the iron is hot and then there will be no going back.

[No Limit]

I have also decided that once I return from holiday I NEED to ask for a trial separation from my hubby. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that but it IS what is best for my kids and I. The problem I have though is I commonly go from thinking "yes I need a separation" to "no I cant cope with being alone" over and over. I guess I just need to get on and strike while the iron is hot and then there will be no going back.

 

That's definitely a good plan. Being alone is scary to you because you haven't been alone in 2 decades, but that will pass once you're "in the action". In fact I'm almost 100% certain you'll feel very relieved after the initial nervousness is over. It might also be good for your husband, give him some time to reflect etc.

[autumnnight]

OK so here's some basic information regarding what is going on for me right now. I'm married with 2 young kids. We have been together 20 years, married for 10 nearly.

 

For years now (since I got pregnant) thigs have been not so good between my hubby and I. I think I grew up and started being responsable when I got pregnant and he just... didn't. He never says anything positive to me, never shows me any affection unless he wants sex and constantly criticises me or belittles me. I feel like I'm an inconvenience and certainly not liked let alone loved. And I DO crave some love in my life. Is that so wrong?

 

He drinks to excess on a night (he cut down from 3 bottles of wine to 1 bottle per night after an ultimatum he was given in November - see below) and this is when he becomes REALLY verbally and mentally abusive to me. I try not to talk to him and keep out of his way whenever he is like this. He has improved recently due to the ultimatum (divorce or cut downn on the drinking and abusive behaviour) but I just stick to doing stuff on facebook / chat rooms so that I don't provoke this behaviour in him. No talk = not so much of a chance of him getting nasty. He has never hit me. Originally he was on 3 bottles of wine (before November) and the abuse was almost nightly. I couldn't take it and last Summer told him I would not be wearing our wedding rings and never have since. It's not like there's exactly a marriage. He's more like a lodger.

 

I have also refused to have sex with him anymore because I don't want sex with someone who only ever shows me any affection when that is what he is after. It was making me feel even more used. I am intending on asking for a trial separation once we return from holiday after easter. If I ask for one before that it will be a holday from hell. He supposedly now only has one bottle of wine a night but I have started to go to the gym on an evening to a) keep out of his way and b) lose some weight so I can increase my confidence. I am now unsure that he is sticking to his one bottle as he only used to stagger to bed after more than 2 bottles and now he is staggering to bed after just 1. No proof though.

 

I have never ever considered looking for a relationship outside of our marriage. I haven't even seen many men that I find attractive and when I do its certainly not something I would persue. However I started going to an online chat room for people with anxiety / depression (which I have) about 2 years ago and am now a moderator there. It has been extremely helpful to me. However, while there I met someone who has turned my world upside down. I never for a moment even considered that I might find someone or would even want to find someone else, especially in an anxiety chat room. I have always said that if I ever had the confidence to leave my hubby then I would never allow another man into my life. He also has anxiety and depression.

 

We started out as just friends, completly platonic. We became very close friends and then BAM I fell for him. I thought he might also feel the same but decided not to say anything because I didnt want an affair. However in the end it was just eating me up and making my depression even worse so I told him. His response was to tell me that because he had been so hurt in the past (he found his first wife in bed with another man and divorce ensued) he just wasn't interested in any relationship with any woman. Fair enough.

 

We remained close friends and after a couple of months he messaged me to let me know that he WAS interested or at least possibly interested and that we should meet up to see if there was anything more than friendship there in real life. GREAT . I was one happy lady. We went on for a couple of months and didn't meet up immediately because he wanted to lose weight before I saw him, not that I cared about his weight.

 

Then about a month ago I called it all off. He didn't seem to like me as much as I liked him, was blowing hot and cold (this is what I struggled with most), I could not move away from where I live and couldn't ask him to move even further away from his kids, I want another child but he didn't etc etc. It just wasn't going to work.

 

He agreed but then 2 weeks later he messaged me saying he cared ever so deeply for me, was prepared to move and wanted a family with me... provided we got on well when we met up obviously. That made me the happiest woman alive.

 

Then a couple of days ago things changed again. He called it off. he is currently on the sofa at his ex wife's (they are actually only separated and have been for well over a year and there is nothing between them) house visiting his kids for a week or 2. He has told me that he doesn't want to be reponsable for the berak up of my marriage even though he knows fine well that it was alredy broken before I even met him. I get that. I do. Especially after what he went through with his first wife. I can't blame him at all but he ISN'T the reason I want to leave my husband. I've wanted to for years but I just haven't had the courage and he has given me confidence, made me feel good about myself and that was giving me the inspiration to actually do something about getting a divorce.

 

He has also recently said that his kids are his priority. Again, fair enough. He lives 320 miles from them now and if he lived up here he would be 360 miles from them. He is now thinking of moving closer to hs kids and fair play to him. However I am truly devastated. More than I can say. I can't think of anything else, I haven't eaten in 3 days and I hate to admit it but I have gone in search of another online relaationship

 

A Dom/sub relationship where I am punished like the bad little girl that I am. Not because I want a relationship with anyone if I can't have him but because I deserve punishment (yes I AM messed up). I know some of you will be appauled and sick that I am doing this but it is more a form of self harm than a need for a relationship. I feel in control this way... I can leave whenever I want and I truly believe that I deserve to suffer and this is my choice regarding HOW I receive that punishment. Much easier to cope with than that from my hubby. I don't imagine that many people can comprehend my need to be punished but it is the way it is. But this is VERY out of character for me. I am usually such a moral person. I honestly am. I always kept my nose clean.

 

What I am struggling with most is not having my online lover anymore, the one I LOVE and NEED. I am sure he feels the same as you don't just tell someone you want kids with them if you don't love them and I know for certain that he IS genuine, kind, caring and not just leading me on. But I am so confused and hurt. I actually want to die but obviously I would never go down that road as I could never do that to my kids.

 

Anyway, I was hoping that you guys might me able to guide me as to what action to take. I want and need my online lover and not my hubby and if I had my online lover I wouldnt need or want a Dom/sub relationship at all. He makes me feel so good that I don't feel the need to be punished. I feel the need to be loved for once. oh and.. aologies for the thesis and congratulations if you didn't give up reading before here!

 

There is one thing I feel compelled to say to you, and everyone else will likely touch on the other stuff.

 

Do NOT seek out a D/s relationship in this state, and CERTAINLY do not tell anyone online or anywhere else that you are bad and deserve to be punished. Especially since that awful book series, psychos and abusers have taken on the "Dom" title in droves as a way to play out their sick and anything but truly dominant fantasies. You are literally putting your life at risk.

 

Okay, I'll back out now, but this alarmed me.