Tips on healing

[duckrabbit]

So, we are now two months past DDay. We have been doing MC with middling results so far.

 

 

At home, my WW has been doing many of the 'right' things; apologizing often and, I believe, sincerely; asking how I am doing and giving me the opportunity to vent; being respectful when it comes to physical contact. So far, none of this seems to help very much. She constantly asks what she can do to help make this easier for me and I don't honestly know what to say. The major block for me is the fact that she still hasn't done STD testing, but plans to go this week. Aside from that, I am not sure what else to suggest as part of healing. I am not sure, at this point, if there is anything concrete that I can ask of her. I'm not sure what is it that I need from her; I just know that I am not getting it yet.

 

 

Yes, I plan on bringing up a lot of this in IC this week as well. Basically, I am looking for reasons to stay in the relationship as I have always believed that infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me. I am wondering why that shouldn't still be the case. Thoughts?

[billy baru]

Basically, I am looking for reasons to stay in the relationship as I have always believed that infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me. I am wondering why that shouldn't still be the case. Thoughts?

 

Kinda hard to go against what you've always believed. Like lying..... to yourself.

[drifter777]

Two months is enough time to know whether you think you will ever be able to live with a wife who had sex with another man. If your gut says "NO" then don't waste anymore time. Move out and focus on your own recovery. Not having to see her helps the healing right away and actively doing something for yourself is great for your self esteem.

 

At best, reconciling with a cheating wife is long, painful work. It can take years of work only to realize you can't accept her betrayal. Don't risk it unless you feel deep down that the sex isn't an issue with you.

[fellini]

Two months is enough time if you never really intended to try to reconcile..

 

You get out when you feel it is time to get out, not because someone here in LS gives you his or her time frame..

 

In my case I started with a 3 month commitment not to make any major decisions which i extended to 5. Even at 5 I tentatively decided not to leave. Because things were progressing as well as could be expected.

 

1,.5 years in I am still here. If i leave it wont be because of the sex. It will be because I don't want to be married to her any longer, not because she did something to make me push her out..

 

She owns her infidelity, I own the decision to leave if that is what I will do. And if I do choose to leave, i will not blame her for it, I will own it.

 

 

Two months is enough time to know whether you think you will ever be able to live with a wife who had sex with another man. If your gut says "NO" then don't waste anymore time. Move out and focus on your own recovery. Not having to see her helps the healing right away and actively doing something for yourself is great for your self esteem.

 

At best, reconciling with a cheating wife is long, painful work. It can take years of work only to realize you can't accept her betrayal. Don't risk it unless you feel deep down that the sex isn't an issue with you.

[Lion Heart]

So, we are now two months past DDay. We have been doing MC with middling results so far.

 

 

At home, my WW has been doing many of the 'right' things; apologizing often and, I believe, sincerely; asking how I am doing and giving me the opportunity to vent; being respectful when it comes to physical contact. So far, none of this seems to help very much. She constantly asks what she can do to help make this easier for me and I don't honestly know what to say. The major block for me is the fact that she still hasn't done STD testing, but plans to go this week. Aside from that, I am not sure what else to suggest as part of healing. I am not sure, at this point, if there is anything concrete that I can ask of her. I'm not sure what is it that I need from her; I just know that I am not getting it yet.

 

Gosh I'm sorry this happened to you.

It's 7 weeks today since my D Day. So we're almost the same time frame. Though we are opposite sexes. We also have quite different experiences of R. My WH was / is rather incapable of following the instructions of "What a Wayward.." so I was all sorts of emotions about that for the first month while I was drinking heavily. I gave up alcohol over night. No I wasn't a drinker at all really before D Day, so my drinking isn't a pre D Day issue.

 

Anyhow along my journey since I've realized that my recovery HAD to depend on me. My first IC had my psych telling me I was fine (wtf?) Just grieving. She said she didn't need to see me again unless in MC and that my WH has a personality disorder. She needed to see HIM.

This psych knew my best friend was a psych she knew very well and told me I was in good hands.

 

I also held / hold that infidelity is a definite deal breaker. I left my previous WH the day after that D Day with a 9mth old baby and broke with no job at the time. I've done it before, I'd do it again should it happen.

But I didn't (we've both nearly left this time many times but stayed). So I felt that on some level I was betraying myself and my next 3 children by staying and trying to R.

 

Will we be together this time next year? Uncertain.

Do I want us to be together then?

ONLY if my WH shows alot of hard work for his own personal growth. And we have more of our needs met than even before the A within and safely outside our marriage.

 

I'm following every direction possible for me to move on INDEPENDENTLY from this A. I have had definite peaks and valleys. Though my own personal growth is an aim and I'm having AHA moments about me, my WH, marraige and life every 2 days at least.

 

I formed a very definite exit plan early on just to give myself support and preparation should I need to employ it at a moments notice. This was both foundational for my mental health and damaging to my R.

 

So I stepped back from that a lot to try R since the plan exists now.

 

I know I only have right now to try R. If I leave it's over in my books. So for now, R it is. Its an empasse. The most difficult one I've ever faced.

 

We are talking more than ever. Too much probably but I'm in a hurry to recover.

 

My WH is now far deeper in a mire than I am. Me being the major breadwinner by far. Also I will get the kids and house for lots of reasons. Basically we lose 1 person and rent nearby for more financial freedom so I can take me and the kids OS more often. Yes we would miss him at times but hey I'm noy gonna stay in the thought "he ruined my life" no way.

 

He loses 7 of us, the house etc but gains total freedom if he leaves.

I'm all over the place here. Sorry.

 

BUT I've now written a list with things to do that benefit my family in either eventuality. Cleaning out the garage, straightening out my finances, now painting the rooms, fixing stuff to rent this out or stay. I'm much slower than pre D Day but I'm plugging away.

 

It's FAR more productive!

 

PLUS LEARNING HOW TO FOCUS ON ME! First time in 23 years. That's my biggest hurdle.

 

Good luck either way.

 

Lion Heart.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I'm not sure what is it that I need from her; I just know that I am not getting it yet.

 

 

Thoughts?

 

The only advice I have is to not look for a silver bullet. There is nothing she can do that will provide you instant relief. Just know that there were, she would do it.

 

I disagree with those who say 2 months is enough time. I couldn't find my ass with both hands at the two month mark and really didn't start thinking straight for about an year.

 

It really is a major crossroad and there is no shame in taking time to really think about what is at the end of each path.

 

If she is doing the right things already then all she can really do is keep doing them for as long as it takes. And it takes a while.

[gettingstronger]

I am concerned about something you wrote in another thread- her threats of suicide- I feel like she is not focusing on you, but still on herself- thats a huge burden for you to carry- you need to focus on that, she is still making this about her-

 

I don't see how you can think clearly while carrying that in the back of your mind-how can you focus on your healing and what is best for you when you are worried if you decide moving on is best for you, she may try to hurt herself-

 

She is being selfish, if she is suicidal she needs professional help, not to pin it on your actions-

 

Honestly, if my husband said that it would make me angry-I would feel like, hey buddy, you saddled me with a cross I never wanted to bear (his cheating) and now you are adding a burden to my recovery by pinning your mental health to my decisions-

[HelenaHandbasket]

gettingstronger, couldn't' agree more! I came home one day and my husband was sitting there with an empty bottle and a handful of pills. I asked him what he was doing, he just looked at me and opened his hand. He didn't take any, but again, my soon to be ex was SO EGOTISTICAL, it was always about him. Attention seeking and approval always.

[badkarma2013]

The only advice I have is to not look for a silver bullet. There is nothing she can do that will provide you instant relief. Just know that there were, she would do it.

 

I disagree with those who say 2 months is enough time. I couldn't find my ass with both hands at the two month mark and really didn't start thinking straight for about an year.

 

It really is a major crossroad and there is no shame in taking time to really think about what is at the end of each path.

 

If she is doing the right things already then all she can really do is keep doing them for as long as it takes. And it takes a while.

 

_________________________________________________________________

 

 

There are no limits on how much time it will take to make a rational decision.....In my case and what happened to me and the circumstances that surrounded my WWs A...it did not take me 2 months...it didnt take me 2 seconds ...It was as clear to me then as it is today...(here is the truth)...When you start the process of R..you DA%N well better know if you are going to be able to stand the triggers that will come ...the self doubt (about everything)...and more than likely self esteem issues....

 

Many (as I have stated) THINK they can handle R and all the issues that follow..But they cannot...(.I can almost guarantee your WW has NOT told you everything...and later if it comes out ...you are back to square one...)..

 

I Knew I could not forget it..I knew I was Plan B for a time..and I am no ones Plan B....I knew i would trigger and I was not going to play a P.I. for eternity....

 

I flied for D and Never had one moment of regret...

 

That was ME...You are YOU....There are many pitfalls to both R and D...But as you stated for me "It was a Dealbreaker." and I knew it....

 

For the record (Again)...I am not anti R... However in my readings,study and direct contact with many BSs ..I have seen FEW successful cases...badkarma

[Be_Strong]

Ironically, I think that when a WW does "all the right things" to reconcile, it lessens the chances of a reconciliation. My wife was brutally honest about everything from the moment I discovered her affair. She was honest about the facts of the affair, but much more importantly she was honest about her true feelings and her character deficiencies. That made for an unbelievably painful period of time for me but I never felt like I was being gas lighted.

 

A spouse who engages in an affair has some major character issues that won't just magically disappear when the affair is discovered. So if a WW all of a sudden does "everything right" with a reconciliation, the BH will sense that something about the situation just isn't right. The WW who just had an affair will be thinking about whether she should get divorced, whether she really wants to stay married to her BH, and whether the reconciliation will work. She will also be missing her AP, will be grieving the loss of that relationship, will be playing "what if" games in her mind imagining how her life would be different if she could have ended up with AP, and will be struggling with grief, doubt, self-hatred and depression.

 

I don't think it's wise advice to tell a WW that she needs to focus now 100% on her BH's healing. The WW may be able to mask all of her own issues for a brief period of time to try to help the BH, but those issues won't be resolved and will pop up later and cause problems. Plus the BH will intuitively know that the WW is not being authentic and therefore true reconciliation won't happen.

[autumnnight]

Ironically, I think that when a WW does "all the right things" to reconcile, it lessens the chances of a reconciliation. My wife was brutally honest about everything from the moment I discovered her affair. She was honest about the facts of the affair, but much more importantly she was honest about her true feelings and her character deficiencies. That made for an unbelievably painful period of time for me but I never felt like I was being gas lighted.

 

A spouse who engages in an affair has some major character issues that won't just magically disappear when the affair is discovered. So if a WW all of a sudden does "everything right" with a reconciliation, the BH will sense that something about the situation just isn't right. The WW who just had an affair will be thinking about whether she should get divorced, whether she really wants to stay married to her BH, and whether the reconciliation will work. She will also be missing her AP, will be grieving the loss of that relationship, will be playing "what if" games in her mind imagining how her life would be different if she could have ended up with AP, and will be struggling with grief, doubt, self-hatred and depression.

 

I don't think it's wise advice to tell a WW that she needs to focus now 100% on her BH's healing. The WW may be able to mask all of her own issues for a brief period of time to try to help the BH, but those issues won't be resolved and will pop up later and cause problems. Plus the BH will intuitively know that the WW is not being authentic and therefore true reconciliation won't happen.

 

Though I do think the BS's pain should come first, I think there is actually some truth to this. Especially if there were serious problems in the marriage before the A (note: no matter how bad a marriage is, cheating is WRONG). If a WS just forces everything else aside, locks the door on it, and becomes 100% focused on nothing but the BS, then what they are really doing, while their intentions may be good, is postponing some things that will be pretty much impossible to every talk about later.

 

There are, however, some things I think a WS has to do if they want a shot at reconciliation: honesty, transparency, and humility are three that come to mind right off the bat.

[Be_Strong]

There are, however, some things I think a WS has to do if they want a shot at reconciliation: honesty, transparency, and humility are three that come to mind right off the bat.

I agree all three are important. But the honesty and transparency have to be more than just honesty about the details of the affair. There also has to be honesty and transparency about the WW's feelings, thoughts, fears, weaknesses as well. And while humility from the WW would be great, let's face reality here that if the WW had that character trait, the affair probably wouldn't have happened in the first place, so it's going to be a process of change for the WW to be a better person, not an overnight miracle.

[VeryBrokenMan]

So, we are now two months past DDay. We have been doing MC with middling results so far.

 

 

At home, my WW has been doing many of the 'right' things; apologizing often and, I believe, sincerely; asking how I am doing and giving me the opportunity to vent; being respectful when it comes to physical contact. So far, none of this seems to help very much. She constantly asks what she can do to help make this easier for me and I don't honestly know what to say. The major block for me is the fact that she still hasn't done STD testing, but plans to go this week. Aside from that, I am not sure what else to suggest as part of healing. I am not sure, at this point, if there is anything concrete that I can ask of her. I'm not sure what is it that I need from her; I just know that I am not getting it yet.

 

 

Yes, I plan on bringing up a lot of this in IC this week as well. Basically, I am looking for reasons to stay in the relationship as I have always believed that infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me. I am wondering why that shouldn't still be the case. Thoughts?

 

I'm coming up on 4 months since my DDay. At two months I was still pinging from disbelief to wanting a divorce. At about month 3 I was about 90% for divorce. Although I thought she was doing all the right things at times it did not feel authentic. A lot has changed the past 3 or 4 weeks and I'm feeling her remorse, grief for doing it and everything she is doing is getting more authentic by the day.

 

One thing that helped me was at about month 2 I committed to her that I'd stick it out for a while before I made any big decisions. That seemed to help both of us as it took the pressure off. I'm under no moral obligation to stay if I feel things just are not going to work and I will have no guilt if I try for a period and then call it quits. For me it's it's important that I give our marriage that chance. For others (many?) here immediate divorce is the best option. To me it does not matter if we split now or in say at 6 months or a year. Other than at a year I'll clearly know three things: 1. what she is willing to do to save our marriage and 2. what she has done to grow and change herself and 3. I'll better understand how I really feel about infidelity being a deal breaker.

 

Another thing that helped me the past few weeks is she stopped any blame shifting (she never did much) about the cause. Now she owns the affair, knows it was horrible and has been very candid about talking about it. As hard as it is to hear the candid details about what happened, when it happened, how she was feeling at the time makes it easier. And her story has remained consistent throughout.

 

A large amount of healing has been getting the details. I have pieced together though those candid details that the affair was never about me or our marriage. A guy that she was attracted to came along, said a lot of nice things to her, at a time when I was neglecting her (I admit this and those are my words not hers). He was scum of the earth and knew she was married and yet he saw a pretty woman and aggressively pursued her. Contributing to the process is how entitled and selfish she is regarding our relationship and she owns that as well and is committed to changing those things about her personality. She had so many chances to end that process from first contact with that scum till the day they had sex so she deserves 100% of the blame and she accepts that. She knows now that is was totally about the sex for the OM and she feels used and taken advantage of. He knew exactly what he was doing. Yet she says that the affair is completely her fault and she should not have let it happen. I can always tell if she is lying and I know what she is telling me now is the truth. I'm not sure yet that I have all the truth but I know what she has told me is the truth. If I'd never had all those details to be able to make sense of it or if she had not been candid and answered all my questions I feel sure we would be headed for divorce.

 

I demanded the STD testing right away and she did it the same week as DDay. She was embarrassed and humiliated because I asked her to get a complete panel, including HPV in the pap smear. And I demanded the lab results in writing. I was ready and willing to divorce had she delayed that at all. So I completely understand your thought process there. She is potentially putting your life at risk and you are completely justified in demanding immediate action as any BS would be. I know my WW was really angry with me but she did it anyway and that helped with my healing. That was the first concrete step she took toward my healing.

[drifter777]

Those BH's who are not tortured and agonizing about the sex have a decent chance at R if WW does the right things. Those who are devastated primarily because of the sex - you will never heal. Save more agony and divorce her if this is you.

[badkarma2013]

Those BH's who are not tortured and agonizing about the sex have a decent chance at R if WW does the right things. Those who are devastated primarily because of the sex - you will never heal. Save more agony and divorce her if this is you.

 

*******************************************************************

 

As Well Put as i ever seen written and I believe just that simple....What happened to me and other BSs here ..( Ill speak as a BH...I am one)...Is what I saw and found out on D-DAY...and shortly there after...I KNEW i would never over the sex and the betrayal...Never ..My entire world shifted but i still knew I could not and would not carry that load...

 

For some of us BSs (Husbands and Wives)..we cannot get over the sexual part of the Affair..The fortunate ones KNOW this early and file for D ....

 

I refused to live my life in Hell because my WW went on a year long fu%kfest...got caught...and OH MY wanted forgiveness and wanted to work it out...

 

I have forgiven her ....but as another posted "She and the OM fell the Thin Ice of the A...and pleaded for help.....I stood and watched them drown and have never looked back...

[Lion Heart]

Two months is enough time to know whether you think you will ever be able to live with a wife who had sex with another man. If your gut says "NO" then don't waste anymore time. Move out and focus on your own recovery. Not having to see her helps the healing right away and actively doing something for yourself is great for your self esteem.

 

At best, reconciling with a cheating wife is long, painful work. It can take years of work only to realize you can't accept her betrayal. Don't risk it unless you feel deep down that the sex isn't an issue with you.

 

The issues I need to get past in this marraige are not only the sexual elements but the ENTIRE PROCESS my WH undertook while things at home were better than they'd been as a whole. Now I'm realizing that he wasn't feeling the same. Even though he sees it now. It's his thought processes also that lead to an A.

 

Getting past the A process includes:

* trying to understand his thoughts and feelings prior to the A.

* knowing he has a duplicitous streak / nature / character

* accepting his level of selfishness

* acknowledging his nature of entitlement

* knowing I can never meet his need for that level of excitement no matter what I do

* knowing I can meet his sexual needs better than any of his previous partners but dealing with the movies that play

* understanding that even if ALL of his sexual needs are met by me, there could be tremendous desires within him that I cannot meet because a) I dont know what they are

b) I am in the "boring" section of his life by default

c) things that make me happy & excited are OPPOSITE to his. Poles apart.

 

Ok I'm freaking out again. Shaking and need to go to work. I'll have another day of constantly trying to employ strategies to cope with my rising anxiety.

 

R is a whole other process as we try to define our needs for now then set an ongoing process up for our future marriage even though we both know there is a far greater chance we won't be in it in the long term.

 

I mean it's him that didn't want this marraige and I've felt dragged into that feeling.

 

Gotta go

 

Lion Heart.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Those BH's who are not tortured and agonizing about the sex have a decent chance at R if WW does the right things. Those who are devastated primarily because of the sex - you will never heal. Save more agony and divorce her if this is you.

 

 

Well, the rub here is that almost everyone is devastated by the sex at first. I certainly was. And if you had asked me 4 years ago if I will ever get past that part I would have told you I never will.

 

But time has a way of proving everyone wrong, especially ourselves.

 

Today, I feel no differently about the sexual aspect of her affair than I do about any guy she dated before we ever met. It's just so long ago that it really doesn't affect us today.

 

The fact that it happened DURING our marriage is of course a big deal, and that she lied to me about it is a big deal... but the sex... I dunno.

 

Perhaps it's easier for me because my situation was a little different in that the sex between them was not so good. I figure that's her bad luck, lol.

 

But what's the option? Go find someone new? Aside from a clean history, what does that get me from a sexual standpoint?

 

If I go meet some new woman tomorrow, chances are some guy she really liked was sleeping with her very recently, and definitely more recently than 5 years ago. Even worse, it could be some guy she didn't really like, but was using for great sex, right? Happens all the time.

 

So am I supposed to get all upset and jealous about that? Am I supposed to compare myself to her last lover? Or the 10 before that?

 

Of course not.

 

So why give the AP that much power? In reality, he's just another past lover. And most of us have those.

 

 

Sidebar. I'm a big black dude....with all that implies. I broke up with a girl many years ago, although we remained friends. She told me once that she dated a guy who was totally into her, and was happy, until he found a naked picture of me. ( that she has since destroyed )

 

Once he compared my junk to his, he was devastated, and it destroyed their sex life, and they broke up. Sad, right? That he gave ME that much power, years down the road. The obvious problem was his own insecurity.

 

The irony was that with this girl, my size was actually kind of a problem, as she preferred her men a little smaller. Something I'm sure she told him, but he refused to believe.

 

Anyway... to me it's kind of the same thing with many APs. We give those idiots way too much credit, and space in our minds.

[drifter777]

Well, this ain't about junk. Its about a man knowing himself with regard to how he feels about the sex. Not that it was good or bad - because they all lie - but the fact that she went to bed with another man and betrayed the most sacred wedding vow.

[badkarma2013]

Well, the rub here is that almost everyone is devastated by the sex at first. I certainly was. And if you had asked me 4 years ago if I will ever get past that part I would have told you I never will.

 

But time has a way of proving everyone wrong, especially ourselves.

 

Today, I feel no differently about the sexual aspect of her affair than I do about any guy she dated before we ever met. It's just so long ago that it really doesn't affect us today.

 

The fact that it happened DURING our marriage is of course a big deal, and that she lied to me about it is a big deal... but the sex... I dunno.

 

Perhaps it's easier for me because my situation was a little different in that the sex between them was not so good. I figure that's her bad luck, lol.

 

But what's the option? Go find someone new? Aside from a clean history, what does that get me from a sexual standpoint?

 

If I go meet some new woman tomorrow, chances are some guy she really liked was sleeping with her very recently, and definitely more recently than 5 years ago. Even worse, it could be some guy she didn't really like, but was using for great sex, right? Happens all the time.

 

So am I supposed to get all upset and jealous about that? Am I supposed to compare myself to her last lover? Or the 10 before that?

 

Of course not.

 

So why give the AP that much power? In reality, he's just another past lover. And most of us have those.

 

 

Sidebar. I'm a big black dude....with all that implies. I broke up with a girl many years ago, although we remained friends. She told me once that she dated a guy who was totally into her, and was happy, until he found a naked picture of me. ( that she has since destroyed )

 

Once he compared my junk to his, he was devastated, and it destroyed their sex life, and they broke up. Sad, right? That he gave ME that much power, years down the road. The obvious problem was his own insecurity.

 

The irony was that with this girl, my size was actually kind of a problem, as she preferred her men a little smaller. Something I'm sure she told him, but he refused to believe.

 

Anyway... to me it's kind of the same thing with many APs. We give those idiots way too much credit, and space in our minds.

 

 

*****************************************************************

I agree we may the AP much more power over us than they deserve...However The Sex coupled with the Lies,Deceit the Betrayal... Sometimes is too much to bear...

 

This with the fact that many WWs trickle truth and minimize what have done and some attempt to blame shift to the BH...She can do everything in her power to help her BS heal...but she can Never unfu$k the OM....Ever..some of us find that more than we can live with....

 

Pls read this quote as it struck me hard with re: to Betrayal:

 

To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.”

 

 

― Malcolm X

 

Kind of sums it up for many here...

[RightThere]

I disagree with those who say 2 months is enough time. I couldn't find my ass with both hands at the two month mark and really didn't start thinking straight for about an year.

 

Total agree with this. The two month mark post D-Day is no time at all. The first 4 weeks for me were a total blur. I was a complete zombie. I would say after about 4 months I started to "feel" better, but there is no timeline as for when you are committed to "stay or go." You're allowed to change your mind 3 years from now and say "Forget it, I want a divorce."

 

And there won't be that silver bullet. It's just a process of thinking about it less and less. And the knots in your stomach becoming less and less noticeable. Right after D-Day, you probably thought about the affair every 2 minutes. After 2 months, you might not think about it for an hour. As time goes on, you'll come back to it less and less. That's basically it.

[TrustedthenBusted]

Well, this ain't about junk. Its about a man knowing himself with regard to how he feels about the sex. Not that it was good or bad - because they all lie - but the fact that she went to bed with another man and betrayed the most sacred wedding vow.

 

I totally get this. I was trying to be clear and address the assertion that there are those for whom the SEX is the part they can't get over vs. those for whom the betrayal, lies, minimizing etc etc etc spell the end.

 

It's quite clear on this site that there are those who just can't get past the sex part. They generally imply that those of us who can, are somehow weaker or lesser men. I just don't see it that way.

 

My wife hooked up with a weak and lesser man, and I caught her doing it, and she was totally embarrassed with her choice.

 

I could spend the rest of my life wondering if he was better in some way... but screw that. I'm twice the man he is, junk or otherwise, so I'd simply put his silly ass in the past.

[drifter777]

I totally get this. I was trying to be clear and address the assertion that there are those for whom the SEX is the part they can't get over vs. those for whom the betrayal, lies, minimizing etc etc etc spell the end.

 

It's quite clear on this site that there are those who just can't get past the sex part. They generally imply that those of us who can, are somehow weaker or lesser men. I just don't see it that way.

 

My wife hooked up with a weak and lesser man, and I caught her doing it, and she was totally embarrassed with her choice.

 

I could spend the rest of my life wondering if he was better in some way... but screw that. I'm twice the man he is, junk or otherwise, so I'd simply put his silly ass in the past.

Lesser man? No - different man. And two months is more then enough time for a man to know in his heart whether its the sex that is killing him. Trusted - you got past the sex. I guess. Anyway, you say it doesn't torture you anymore so great. You are lucky to avoid the unending agony of picturing your wife with her legs wrapped around another man.

[badkarma2013]

I totally get this. I was trying to be clear and address the assertion that there are those for whom the SEX is the part they can't get over vs. those for whom the betrayal, lies, minimizing etc etc etc spell the end.

 

It's quite clear on this site that there are those who just can't get past the sex part. They generally imply that those of us who can, are somehow weaker or lesser men. I just don't see it that way.

 

My wife hooked up with a weak and lesser man, and I caught her doing it, and she was totally embarrassed with her choice.

 

I could spend the rest of my life wondering if he was better in some way... but screw that. I'm twice the man he is, junk or otherwise, so I'd simply put his silly ass in the past.

****************************************************************

I agree a Bh who chooses to R with his WW ..has one tough mental state to endure what is ahead of him in R..

 

I dont think anyone in R is weak...for it is Godda%n sure no cake walk...

 

Whether one decides to D or to R...they are both Horriable choices given to a BS...No one is the weaker no matter what they choose...

 

And I concur ..I could have spent the rest of my life wondering if "HE" was better in some way...

I also could have spent my life living with a liar,and a deceiving WW who whor*d herself out to the OM..and wondered "is this what my life is going to be.

 

So I did what you did ...I kicked BOTH their "silly asses" to the curb...

 

Now i never have to worry about it..

[autumnnight]

if the WW had that character trait, the affair probably wouldn't have happened in the first place

 

Actually, a WW can have had good character, including humility for most of her life. She can become hard, resentful, bitter selfish over time and allow that hardness to take over and make the choice to cheat, and then after the A, she can then regain that good character. They do, however, have to work hard and let go of all that mental crap that got them in a frame of mind to cheat in the first place.

 

I understand that many would prefer to believe that everyone who cheats is "different" from the rest of society and flawed to begin with, but that isn't the case. I think knowing this can actually help a BS with healing as well, because I don't see how you could heal if you think you unwittingly picked someone who was secretly and inherently evil all along.

[Be_Strong]

I agree autumnnight. I didn't mean to imply that people who have cheated are inherently evil. The reason I chose to reconcile with my wife is because I knew her capacity to be a good person. But there isn't a switch that can be thrown that instantly transforms a WW from the person with issues that decided to engage in an affair to a super duper great spouse. The transition for the WS from a bad character person to a good character person is a process that runs parallel to the BS's healing and the marriage reconciliation.

 

If the WS projects an image of "total repentance, I don't know what got into me, I'll never do anything like that again, and I'm perfectly fine and back to your normal spouse again" it is comforting for a split second to the BS until the thoughts of something not feeling right start to creep in. Conversely, a WS that is open and honest about their faults and weaknesses will be a bitter pill for the BS to swallow, but in the long run will feel so much more authentic and complete if able to survive it.