How often do WS want to reconcile after they leave?

[secondchoice]

Hi all

 

This is my first post although i have been lurking for some time. My SO has been having an affair for the last 10 months basically cake eating. We have been together for 14 years and were best friends 3 years prior.

 

I have reached the point where i want to move on with my life but each time i kick my SO out he constantly comes round the house. When i change the locks he gets them picked and stays when he wants saying he can because he owns the house. He is supposed to be staying at his mums house round the corner.

 

We own the house on a 50/50 basis and i have offered to buy him out, i have the money available to but he will not do it. Legally i cannot stop him from staying. I could of course get a court order to make him sell the house to me but this will take time and be costly. I just want him to leave and sign the house over to me so i can get on with my life. Him and his AP are supposedly in love and she gets upset with him when he is round the house so i don't understand why he won't just leave me and start a life with her.

 

I want him to go but i am really worried that without the house being sorted that when things don't work out with her, my life will be in turmoil again when he wants to start coming back.

 

My fear comes from the fact that i don't think that they are likely to last very long in the real world. They can only spend a week together before they have a massive falling out, sometimes violent (her on him). He lies to her constantly and she often finds out and doesn't trust him which makes her call him constantly. He then ignores the calls and they argue and then make up and the vicious cycle continues. He still wants to sleep with me and stay round the house which of course he denies to her.

 

I just don't want any part of it. To be honest, he lies and treats her like **** and they are supposed to be in love. thats just not the kind of relationship i want. Our main relationship issue has always been around communication, my SO is very guarded.

 

Has anyone else been though this sort of thing and how did you get through it. Should i contant the AP to dob him in when he is staying at the house, would that help? He is totally infatuated with her, they had a fight one day where she clawed his face which has left him with very deep scars on his face and he is still with her.

 

Sorry for the long post.

[purplesorrow]

If you are not willing to go through the courts to settle the house, are you willing to move? If you want no parts of this, you have to decide the best way to remove yourself from it. Do you engage with him when he comes around? This is very dis functional you are his safe cozy place to land when things with the ap are too much for him and you need to change this for you.

Edited January 23, 2015 by purplesorrow

[Lion Heart]

Sorry what's an SO?

 

So he's swinging between you and her then her and you repeatedly? No wonder you're sick of it. Get an STD check. No way is he in ANY WAY showing any chances whatsoever for a R. I'd get a dead lock for my bedroom door and NEVER let him near me.

 

Are you absolutely and totally ready to move, do NC, not tell him your new address, get a post box for your mail? You're gonna have to do it.

 

Legally he may be entitled to stay but morally?

 

I'm not sure about the property laws where you are. You need to find out your rights. BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO SELL!!!

 

Can you get some state funded legal advice? Online or over the phone?

 

This guy is a nutcase, law unto himself.

 

When you sell on the open market (and I'm pretty sure you can), then you both have to move. Problem solved if you can maintain NC and anonymity.

 

Good luck

 

Lion Heart.

[harrybrown]

You could try to get a restraining order on him to keep him away from you.

 

He does sound a little crazy.

 

Or put the house up for sale and sell your half to a recent ex con and he could deal with a new housemate.

 

Really try to sell and get away from him and his mom close by.

 

You do seem to have your head on straight that he is not someone you want in your life.

[secondchoice]

thanks for the replies.

 

I am in the UK, i have had legal advice and i cannot sell without his consent as we own equal shares in the house. I can take him to court but it will take months.

 

All of my money is tied up in the house so i cannot move and the solicitor has said that it would be in my best interest to remain in the house if i want to keep it. I do really want to stay in my house, i have put alot of work into it and it is close to all of my friends.

 

You are right that i am his cozy place and i need to find a way that i can get around being that. This is why i was contemplating contacting her.

 

i know that i have made him sound really bad and it is but he wasn't always like this. Prior to meeting this woman he was so loving towards me, we had our issues but we have been best friends for 17 years and done everything together. He is just like an addict now, doing anything for a fix. He doesn't care what he mess's up in order to see her, missing loads of time off work and not doing the things he aways enjoyed. It is hard to experience and to see.

 

SO=significant other

[MJJean]

thanks for the replies.

 

I am in the UK, i have had legal advice and i cannot sell without his consent as we own equal shares in the house. I can take him to court but it will take months.

 

All of my money is tied up in the house so i cannot move and the solicitor has said that it would be in my best interest to remain in the house if i want to keep it. I do really want to stay in my house, i have put alot of work into it and it is close to all of my friends.

 

You are right that i am his cozy place and i need to find a way that i can get around being that. This is why i was contemplating contacting her.

 

i know that i have made him sound really bad and it is but he wasn't always like this. Prior to meeting this woman he was so loving towards me, we had our issues but we have been best friends for 17 years and done everything together. He is just like an addict now, doing anything for a fix. He doesn't care what he mess's up in order to see her, missing loads of time off work and not doing the things he aways enjoyed. It is hard to experience and to see.

 

SO=significant other

 

Is there any way to do the court proceedings in stages on some kind of payment arrangement? Have you've only talked to one lawyer? Sometimes other lawyers know tricks and tips to get things moved along quicker. Might want to consult with a few lawyers to get a better picture of what you're facing.

 

Other than that, have you thought of making OW your ally? Tell her you want him out and are willing to buy him out, giving him a nice chunk of cash he could spend with/on her, but that he's refusing to sell? Maybe she'll light a fire under him..

 

Are you making his stays in the house pleasant? Maybe get him out by making him absolutely miserable every time he darkens your door. Get diabolical!

[No Limit]

Don't go begging the OW. He'll respect you even less.

 

Doesn't matter that it takes time and costs, get to court, there's no "nice way" of doing it because he's too much of an ********* for that (largely also because he senses your weakness ten miles against the wind).

 

Don't you think some money and time isn't worth your freedom and peace from this guy? Unless you start snipering from your upper floor window, employing security to guard your house or getting some dogs with bad reputations like pitbulls there's nothing that will stop him. Except court, the legal and best way.

 

It doesn't matter what he was, it matters what he is right now. And right now he deserves a good portion of reality, and you some self-respect.

[Rainbowlove]

thanks for the replies.

 

I am in the UK, i have had legal advice and i cannot sell without his consent as we own equal shares in the house. I can take him to court but it will take months.

 

All of my money is tied up in the house so i cannot move and the solicitor has said that it would be in my best interest to remain in the house if i want to keep it. I do really want to stay in my house, i have put alot of work into it and it is close to all of my friends.

 

You are right that i am his cozy place and i need to find a way that i can get around being that. This is why i was contemplating contacting her.

 

i know that i have made him sound really bad and it is but he wasn't always like this. Prior to meeting this woman he was so loving towards me, we had our issues but we have been best friends for 17 years and done everything together. He is just like an addict now, doing anything for a fix. He doesn't care what he mess's up in order to see her, missing loads of time off work and not doing the things he aways enjoyed. It is hard to experience and to see.

 

SO=significant other

 

Do not engage with him. Cut the cord emotionally. Be as cold as ice to him.

 

Any talks with him at this point should be about divvying up property and ending your relationship. Nothing else. Do not allow him in your bed. Do not make him meals. Do not wash clothes. Do not talk to him casually. Do not engage about what's going on between him and his AP - that's all his problem now - not yours. Do not engage with the AP either - that will only suck you in further into the toxic hell. She is dead to you. He is dead to you.

 

He is an addict at this point. He's not thinking clearly. None of that is your problem, however.

 

I feel for him. I know what it's like to lose yourself and get caught up in someone else and a really unhealthy situation.

 

Tough love is needed here. If he is choosing her, let him have her.

 

Like all addicts, he needs to want to end the addiction for himself. Nothing you say or do can change his behavior - he has to want better. He has to want to get help.

 

Push for him to leave the house for good. Push for the end of your relationship. Walk right by him. Do not let him vent to you. Do not feel bad for him.

 

Start the proceedings of splitting the property if he doesn't stay gone. Nothing in the world is worth your sanity and peace of mind - not even a home.

 

Good luck.

[secondchoice]

Thanks all

 

i told him this morning again that he had to go, i said that if he didn't want to be with me and wanted a relationship with her then it wasn't fair that he kept staying in the house. It is her birthday this weekend so i am pretty sure that he will not come back tonight and be gone the weekend until they argue again at least.

 

I have spoken to a couple of lawyers and both say the same about the house. I have drawn up the paperwork and will do as most of you suggest and get cold as ice and keep on pushing the papers on him. To be honest, so far i have tried to keep everything nice but i will start trying to be cold. I must admit that despite all that he has done i won't find it easy.

 

I want the transfer to take place before they break up which is why i am so keen to do it outside of the courts which will take months. I think it will be much easier for me to do it all whilst he is loved up. Once they break up i know that i am going to have an even tougher fight.

[Spark1111]

i, personally, would not be cold as ice. It gives him more ammo to place the halo on her head and justify the affair!

 

I wouldn't be lovey dovey either. makes you seem the a doormat.

 

I would be kind, but detached. proceed with your plans, tell him, and calmly tell him you cannot be in a relationship with a man who is in a relationship with someone else.

 

You want him to be happy. You need half the proceeds of the house. What does he want to do here?

 

He will whine, stall, and come up with a million excuses.

 

proceed, calmly but firmly, with your plan no matter what he says.

 

Then call the Ow and tell her that you wish he and she all the best but you need half the proceeds of the house, but he refuses. (he will.) List all his excuses to her. be kind and polite.

 

Ball in his court. Watch the implosion from afar. Enjoy. Continue with your divorce plans.

 

Good luck.

[Arieswoman]

Second choice,

You call this man your SO = Significant Other, are you married?

[loveboid]

i don't understand why he won't just leave me and start a life with her.

 

These are the reasons why he won't leave you for her--he is using you as his fallback because this new woman doesn't appear to want him either:

 

They can only spend a week together before they have a massive falling out, sometimes violent (her on him).

 

he lies and treats her like ****

 

they had a fight one day where she clawed his face which has left him with very deep scars on his face

 

You're right, it will be harder to sell the house if she leaves him. If you are his only option he will be stuck to you like glue.

 

This is a case where it's worth it to take a financial loss to get your life back. Sorry.

 

My opinion is he senses his ship is sinking (the ship being his relationship with you) and is trying his hardest to get aboard another ship (this other woman)...but that ship is sinking too. Just let your ship sink and get on your life raft and sail away dear, sail away.

[sandylee1]

I don't know why you'd find it hard when he is being a bit of a lowlife right now. Maybe it's just me, buy when someone treats me like crap and disrespects me, my feelings for them change to match.

 

I know it's also your house, buy go out when he comes over or stay in your bedroom and don't engage with him. I hope you have a lock on your own bedroom?

 

Have you told any of his family about his behaviour? I really hope you never take this guy back as well. He's bad news.

[goodyblue]

I would not contact the OW. If she dumps him you will never get him out. I would get a restraining order. If he violates he can sleep in jail.

[beach]

My fear comes from the fact that i don't think that they are likely to last very long in the real world. They can only spend a week together before they have a massive falling out, sometimes violent (her on him). He lies to her constantly and she often finds out and doesn't trust him which makes her call him constantly. He then ignores the calls and they argue and then make up and the vicious cycle continues. He still wants to sleep with me and stay round the house which of course he denies to her.

 

By sleeping with him or even being reasonable with the way you treat him - you're sendng him the message that you are willingly his second choice.

 

Begin sending a clear message that it's over by your actions and words.

 

Stop accommodating him in any way.

 

Have your attorney present your offer to him with a deadline for his decision.

 

Take every action you can to get your life separated from him. Be consistent so he gets a clear idea that you are moving forward and he should too.