BurnedAndLost Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Yes people have said that to me... many times. In their defense, there were major red flags that should have clued me in that he wasn't the best choice so in a sense they were right. In my case, I just nod and agree and move on. Yep, my fault. It's ALL my fault that I was stupid enough to believe his lies. It's NOT my fault that he's the way he is though or that he made the choices he made. However, I don't think this is true for most people. In fact, I don't think most people actually have this attitude towards those who have been cheated on. I don't see people saying "you should have known he would cheat". I do however, see people saying that it's the betrayed fault because of something they did or didn't do. Usually those revolve around looks and intimacy... as in... you gained weight, stopped caring about your looks, didn't pay your man enough attention, didn't have sex often enough and blah, blah, blah. Usually this kind of crap comes from the other person involved. "Well, it's ok he cheated on her, who wouldn't cheat on a fat slob who doesn't keep the house sparkling clean. I won't be like that with him" That's the attitude I see a lot of. What I have to say about that? Well, what exactly was HE doing in the relationship? Was he helping? What did he do to save the marriage? If he did nothing other than to go boo hoo on someone else's shoulder about how miserable he is and then sneak around and cheat then he's not worth anyone's time and he's at fault for cheating rather than WALKING AWAY. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? It's called projection, and it's irrational. "Blaming the victim: The victim of someone else's accident or bad luck may be offered criticism, the theory being that the victim may be at fault for having attracted the other person's hostility." "Projection of general guilt: Projection of a severe conscience is another form of defence, one which may be linked to the making of false accusations, personal or political." Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted December 24, 2014 Share Posted December 24, 2014 People who say this are not very bright. That is about the least offensive thing I can say about people who spout that junk to a hurting BS. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 It is your fault if they cheated. That is, it's your fault if you specifically told your partner to cheat on you. If you did not say this to them, then nope! Link to post Share on other sites
Striver Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Other than the WS, who made tons of justifications, my mom did a little bit of that. Of course, I was never her favorite son anyway, and that was what she always did with me. She got a lot better about it down the line. Unless you are unfaithful yourself, abusive, or something else big, the details don't matter much. Anyone can find lame reasons to cheat or leave a marriage. I admit it's frustrating to lose a marriage when I look at others and the partners are tolerant of all sorts of flaws and the couple fights their way through all sorts of strife, when your own partner leaves at the drop of the hat. I guess the only thing I can say is if you have a choice between someone who strongly professes personal love, and someone who demonstrates a commitment to the marriage/relationship institution itself, choose the latter. If you're given the choice. Pick the partner who will stay when they get bored or you irritate them. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? This isn't universally true. But in some cases there were honking red flags: like if they cheated before you were married/while dating, you were cheating with them previously then they married you after. In my mom's case there were lots of honking red flags about my dad. He was cheating on someone else to be with her among other things, she married him anyway, turns out he's a serial cheater...it's not surprising. So in some cases it's not the person's fault but they ignored the red flags or assumed things would be different with them when they perhaps shouldn't have married the person, but in other cases there was no way to predict this and even for some of the cheaters themselves they may have never thought they'd have done it either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 from what I can tell, there are certain times when someone may have had signs that cheating could happen further down the road, for example, it's a marriage born of an affair. Other times, you can do everything right, and person will still cheat. my thought is that if you hear something like "you should have known", look at the situation and look at the source. If the person saying that has an interest in getting in a jab, for example, someone who has an axe to grind or it's someone who gets invlved with married people, ignore it, as they are projecting their warped sense on to you. Don't fall into their trap of trying to make you feel bad. If you look at th situation, and your partner is a serial cheater, or you have a history of picking partners who cheat, then there could be something in your personality makeup that causes you to pick relationships doomed to fail. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 What a ridiculous thing to say to a BS. "You are right, I should have had let my guru or voodoo doctor check him/her, they could have given me an exact answer of his/her flaws." Yes, there are cases which seem to make cheating and worse stuff painfully obvious and the partner that tolerates this stupid. But what about the many cases in which the relationship seems perfect but the WS does it anyway because, I don't know, boredom during business trips? Because he/she offered herself? Unless the NSA opens their saved data on every person in the world with fidelity rates on everyone on this planet, you must have quite a lot of nerve to blame the BS for the flaws of the WS. A spouse is not a babysitter. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place I think for some BS, me included, there's a grain of brutal truth in this statement. For my ex, cheating was an extension of her needy, self-centered princess mentality. Perhaps it would be better said she was a poor candidate for marriage rather than a good candidate for cheating . Had I not been so young and she so smokin' hot, would have been much easier to see... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 [quote Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? F U comes to mind as an appropriate response 4 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 It's correct but only to a point. If you are dating a known cheater it's foolish to expect them not to cheat on you. If they have cheated on you before, even more so. A cheetah won't change its spots. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Look back there are red flags I should have seen but she still made the choice to go out and cheat. The person who does wrong is always the main one at fault. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? How do you know when you say your vows to the person you love most in this world will be the one to betray you in the future? Not all cheat. Many don't, ever. I don't think too many people go into a marriage thinking "one day I will have an affair.." Most think marriage is forever and dearly love the person they married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? Yes, was told this. It's not a nice thing to say to someone ... especially when they are down, but it is a nice thing to realize on your own. If you accept it on your own, you accept that future outcomes are controlled by you alone; bastards like the cheater will come and go, but you can't change them ... you can however improve yourself [especially your ppl picker], to remove the chaff. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Some people are just plain addicted to sociopaths. Most serial cheaters exhibit some or all of the characteristics that makes them a sociopath. Their charm and manipulation just sucks their victims back in and they can't seem to break the habit. There is not much a sociopath has to offer other than surface gratification such as their charm or stunning good looks. Very rarely can they offer substance or quality to a relationship. The Sociopathic Style | Classic Psychopathic Traits Unless their *victims* can really understand their sociopath partners and either a)except they won't change or b)move on and/or avoid contact so they aren't manipulated back into to relationship they will continue to be their victim. Sociopaths will also play victim themselves and groom their own victims in such a way that they are seen as innocent or just can't help themselves it's in their DNA. Personally, if a WS attempts to place blame on their BS in anyway for "their" need to cheat or why they cheated means (to me) that they are a sociopath and/or Narcisistic sociopath. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Some people are just plain addicted to sociopaths. Most serial cheaters exhibit some or all of the characteristics that makes them a sociopath. Their charm and manipulation just sucks their victims back in and they can't seem to break the habit. There is not much a sociopath has to offer other than surface gratification such as their charm or stunning good looks. Very rarely can they offer substance or quality to a relationship. The Sociopathic Style | Classic Psychopathic Traits Unless their *victims* can really understand their sociopath partners and either a)except they won't change or b)move on and/or avoid contact so they aren't manipulated back into to relationship they will continue to be their victim. Sociopaths will also play victim themselves and groom their own victims in such a way that they are seen as innocent or just can't help themselves it's in their DNA. Personally, if a WS attempts to place blame on their BS in anyway for "their" need to cheat or why they cheated means (to me) that they are a sociopath and/or Narcisistic sociopath. The key words being (to you). Seriously, how can you even say such drivel? How many people have affairs in the world every year? And those that feel the BS's behavior contributed to the WS decision to cheat... how many people do you think that is? Where are these 'sociopaths' ?? I am 45 years old and i have yet to meet a sociopath!!! I have only known one seriously mentally ill person and he was a diagnosed pschizophrenic. So please. Just because it makes you feel better to think such a ridiculous thing does not make it true. You are not a Psychiatrist. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 The key words being (to you). Seriously, how can you even say such drivel? How many people have affairs in the world every year? And those that feel the BS's behavior contributed to the WS decision to cheat... how many people do you think that is? Where are these 'sociopaths' ?? I am 45 years old and i have yet to meet a sociopath!!! I have only known one seriously mentally ill person and he was a diagnosed pschizophrenic. So please. Just because it makes you feel better to think such a ridiculous thing does not make it true. You are not a Psychiatrist. How do you know Mal78 ISN'T a psychiatrist? Also, just because you've never met someone with a mental illness doesn't mean a darn thing. In fact, you probably have met SEVERAL and just didn't know it. It's not like people shout to the world... "oh by the way, I have a mental illness". Most people don't want to talk about it and it isn't always easily discernible by their everyday behavior. The fact of the matter remains... yes there are MANY people who cheat who are in fact suffering from untreated mental illnesses... and there ARE sociopaths who do exactly as Mal78 described. A vast majority of those who do have maladaptive behaviors that could be described as sociopathic or anti-social disorder won't even admit that they have a problem let alone get help for it. They don't really even see that their behaviors are wrong. They blame-shift instead.... which is the point of this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
WomenWubber Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Not because you are the one who made the relationship fail, but because you married/partnered up with someone who would cheat in the first place This seems to be a common opinion amongst people about people who are being cheated on and or abused. Apparently, nobody changes during the course of a relationship and you should have known they would cheat before you got with them. Has anyone ever said this to you? What do you say to people who think like that? "It's your fault you're getting your ass kicked." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 How do you know Mal78 ISN'T a psychiatrist? Also, just because you've never met someone with a mental illness doesn't mean a darn thing. In fact, you probably have met SEVERAL and just didn't know it. It's not like people shout to the world... "oh by the way, I have a mental illness". Most people don't want to talk about it and it isn't always easily discernible by their everyday behavior. The fact of the matter remains... yes there are MANY people who cheat who are in fact suffering from untreated mental illnesses... and there ARE sociopaths who do exactly as Mal78 described. A vast majority of those who do have maladaptive behaviors that could be described as sociopathic or anti-social disorder won't even admit that they have a problem let alone get help for it. They don't really even see that their behaviors are wrong. They blame-shift instead.... which is the point of this thread. It is indeed possible that perhaps there are people on the periphery of my life that have mental illness, I am sure there are, but 1/3 of the population are not sociopaths. Sorry, I don't buy it. Mal never mentioned anything such as depression or some other disorder, she is specifically saying they are sociopaths when in reality a true sociopath is not very common. They are sociopaths TO HER. Lame. By the way Raena, yours is one I wouldn't be surprised to hear WAS one. I know you have been through a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Mal78 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 The key words being (to you). Seriously, how can you even say such drivel? How many people have affairs in the world every year? And those that feel the BS's behavior contributed to the WS decision to cheat... how many people do you think that is? Where are these 'sociopaths' ?? I am 45 years old and i have yet to meet a sociopath!!! I have only known one seriously mentally ill person and he was a diagnosed pschizophrenic. So please. Just because it makes you feel better to think such a ridiculous thing does not make it true. You are not a Psychiatrist. I am speaking in reference to a serial cheater not someone who cheats. If you still are questioning why your spouse cheats and why you are still there after the 2nd, 3rd...10th time (that you K ow of) than you have to consider your spouse might have an illness that perhaps you enable by allowing the behavior to happen to you over and over. This then could be why one would need to take ownership. I understand affairs happen often, however I don't think it is often a serial affairs (often with multiple partners) and in those cases you might need to consider the person having a personality/mental disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 (edited) I am speaking in reference to a serial cheater not someone who cheats. If you still are questioning why your spouse cheats and why you are still there after the 2nd, 3rd...10th time (that you K ow of) than you have to consider your spouse might have an illness that perhaps you enable by allowing the behavior to happen to you over and over. This then could be why one would need to take ownership. I understand affairs happen often, however I don't think it is often a serial affairs (often with multiple partners) and in those cases you might need to consider the person having a personality/mental disorder. Or, perhaps they are just d*cks. Are the people who.remain with a person like you described just as likely.to have a deep mental disorder? Edited December 27, 2014 by goodyblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 The key words being (to you). Seriously, how can you even say such drivel? How many people have affairs in the world every year? And those that feel the BS's behavior contributed to the WS decision to cheat... how many people do you think that is? Where are these 'sociopaths' ?? I am 45 years old and i have yet to meet a sociopath!!! I have only known one seriously mentally ill person and he was a diagnosed pschizophrenic. So please. Just because it makes you feel better to think such a ridiculous thing does not make it true. You are not a Psychiatrist. (a) sociopaths are not mentally ill. The term is antsocial personality disorder, and it is just that, a personality disorder, not a mental illness. Most people with mental illness mostly just hurt themselves more than anyone else. (b) You stating that you have never met anyne with antisocial personality disorder shows you know little about it, other than the sensationalized version one sees in mass media. Most people with this issue hide it, and can seem 100% kind and caring. They are the ultimate empaths, able to read people down to a T, and change their behvaior accordingly, so long as it gets them what they want, which could be anything form money to power to the secret thrill of knowing they "played" someone. they take the means to an end behvaior pattern to the exreme, so long they are the ones who bennifit from the end. While most people who are WS likely aren't personality diordered some are. MInd you, I once read a study that more OW/Om display traits of anti social personality disorder than do MM, but I don't think that's true either. Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Or, perhaps they are just d*cks. Are the people who.remain with a person like you described just as likely.to have a deep mental disorder? Please, before you post, get your erms correct. People living with the stigma of mental illness have enough trouble getting people to udnerstand without things like this circulatin. -bi-polar disorder, depressive disorder, schizophrenia, adjustment disorder, body dismorphic disorder- all forms of mental illness - antisocial personality disorder, narcisistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, schiziod personality disorder-not forms of mental illness, rather, they are disorders of perosnalty WHile some with mental illness stay in unhealthy relationships, most would be described as personality disordered..equally difficult to deal with, but not the same thing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 It's your fault if you get cheated on by the same person twice - after forgiving the first time. You can never make the same mistake twice. Because the second time you make it, it's a choice. And, there are cases when a person should be able to recognize multiple indications that someone is very likely to cheat on them. It doesn't make it "your fault" if you don't, but there is a certain level of responsibility and respect you should have towards yourself to be able to recognize these situations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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