TrustedthenBusted Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 One of my good friends is getting married soon. He's a bit younger than I am at 28, and his bride to be is I think 24, and all fired up for her wedding. They're good kids, and I wish them all the best, but they REALLY REALLY remind me of my wife and I at that age. In fact, I see several 'orange' flags already. Things I never would have picked up on when I was their age. Naturally, I express my happiness for them, and really try not to project my own crap on to them. They are their own people, and will have their own marriage. But man oh man is it sometimes hard to keep my mouth shut. Anyone ever feel like they should be warning their younger friends about the potentially murky waters ahead? Or do you just buy the gift, eat the free food, throw the rice and say good luck? I'm curious what the BS's have said/done in this situation, which is why I posted it here, and not another forum. This comes up often for me, and weddings were a big trigger in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Don't rain on your friend's parade. And also don't assume that he'll be facing the same situations you did in your marriage. Every relationship is very different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Unless his life is at risk, don't bother. What orange flags exactly are you seeing? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Mind your own business. It's a happy time in their lives. Don't ruin it. If in a few years from now it turns out that you were right, take him out and let him cry in his beer to you. That's what a true friend does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Unless his life is at risk, don't bother. What orange flags exactly are you seeing? Yah, definitely not raining on his parade. I am in full support. But as for the orange flags... here are a few. More than once, while partying all together she made mention of how she's only ever slept with him, and never got to date around. This is what comes up when she's had a few drinks. Could be her just acknowledging a reality, but I don't like that this thought is rattling around in there. She's a bit of a princess ( like my wife ) complete with the princess package ( wealthy doting parents, Zanax script, uncontrolled spending habits that daddy always takes care of ) She is going to have a big adjustment living off just what my buddy earns. She is ALL about the wedding, and is getting married because "it's time" She's just at that age where it's time, and she doesn't seem to have put much thought into what a life together means. it's all about the ring, the dress, the invitations, her hair etc. Now, I love this girl. She's become a very good friend, and I'm not ragging on her. I just see the mirror image of my wife and I, complete with her "issues" and I wonder if they are going to face what I did. that's all. But their wedding got me thinking about m reaction to other weddings. I mean I literally have to keep from rolling my eyes during the vows, and ESPECIALLY the part where they ask the audience for their committment to helping see these two young people through any hardships. Pffft! Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 My cousin was getting married and we were very close. I knew it was a huge mistake. I was in the wedding party. I sat at the bar and got drunk during the wedding. We were also early 20's. He came up to me at the bar after he said his "I do's" and asked me how I was. I told him I loved him and he just married the wrong woman. Lol. He was speechless. I said, you don't know it yet, but 20 years from now, you will. He said nothing. 17 years later they were divorced and he reminded me of my words. We hadn't spoken about it since his wedding day. He said, he knew I was right, but he was committed to marrying her and loved her, but he knew she wasn't really the one in his gut. He learned what he needed to learn from that failed marriage. We had a close enough relationship where I felt I could and needed to say my peace. Not everyone has that luxury. People will do what they will do regardless of our warnings, but at least I said what needed to be said. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 Mind your own business. It's a happy time in their lives. Don't ruin it. If in a few years from now it turns out that you were right, take him out and let him cry in his beer to you. That's what a true friend does. Yep. And I'm not asking for advice here. I've already said I just keep quiet and support them. Just wondering how other people have felt in this situation. I think BS's get especially jaded, and I'm wondering if anyone has done anything other than keep it bottled in. My buddy asks me about what it's like being married for awhile, and I'm pretty honest with him. I haven't told him about our situation, but have given him I think pretty good counsel on what I'd do differently if I had it to do over again. And like a typical young guy, he thanks me for my advice, and then ignores it. lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted December 18, 2014 Author Share Posted December 18, 2014 My cousin was getting married and we were very close. I knew it was a huge mistake. I was in the wedding party. I sat at the bar and got drunk during the wedding. We were also early 20's. He came up to me at the bar after he said his "I do's" and asked me how I was. I told him I loved him and he just married the wrong woman. Lol. He was speechless. I said, you don't know it yet, but 20 years from now, you will. He said nothing. 17 years later they were divorced and he reminded me of my words. We hadn't spoken about it since his wedding day. He said, he knew I was right, but he was committed to marrying her and loved her, but he knew she wasn't really the one in his gut. He learned what he needed to learn from that failed marriage. We had a close enough relationship where I felt I could and needed to say my peace. Not everyone has that luxury. People will do what they will do regardless of our warnings, but at least I said what needed to be said. Wow. that was a big risk! Glad it all worked out! ( or sorry it all worked out? hahaha I'm not exactly sure! ) I was at a wedding once where one guy got the new bride outside for a moment alone, professed his love, and actually got like a 10 second makeout out of it. I just shook my head, guzzled as much free wine as was left, and pretended I didn't see it. I later wondered if God put me there to see that "sign" as it was right before my own wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Did you ever go to counseling to work out your feelings of being betrayed by your wife? If weddings trigger you then you may have trust issues too, not to mention a host of other negative emotions that are getting the best of you. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I attended a wedding of a close family member about a year after dday. I experienced a lot of what you have expressed. I think it is a completely normal reaction. Infidelity/betrayal gave me a completely different view of marriage. It was a beautiful ceremony. I sat there thinking they weren't going to make it very long. They didn't, sadly didn't make it an entire year. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I'm beyond witnessing friends getting married. It's now the kids, kids' friends, and friends' kids who are tying the knot. Sometimes it's fun, sometimes it's almost cringe worthy. I get it. It's their life to figure out. I'll impart my wisdom upon request and smile and nod and offer to babysit, otherwise. It's not too often they'll listen to us old farts, anyway. Best wishes to the newlyweds! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 It depends on the couple. One friend and his wife will probably have a marriage like mine and another one is like watching somebody walk off a cliff and he doesn't know it. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 (edited) I feel both happy for them and concerned for them. It's funny how much of a realist you become once you've been single for a while. The clarity from it is more amazing than not. You no longer have "love blinders" on so you're not seeing things through those oh so irritating rose colored glasses anymore. Edited December 18, 2014 by me85 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 'Finally a reason to buy a new dress'-feeling would set in. What might be an orange flag to you may not even be yellow-ish for them. Different people will react differently. Who knows, maybe they'll hit off affairs and cheating a month later. Or maybe they won't. Maybe they'll indeed do counseling or have a sit down talk before the worst comes to pass and can heal without scarring experiences. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I totally dropped the bomb on a guy I work with on a couple situations he was in. He was in his mid -upper 20s and was a very sweet, innocent,naive, small town beta boy and was living with an uneducated, unambitious, slacker of a 20 year old single mother of a mixed race toddler who's DNA donor didn't pay a dime of child support or have anything to do with the child. She was totally in it for the support and live in babysitter and roof over her head. One day he let it slip they had only had sex 3 times in the year they had been together. I set him down and went all Uncle Oldshirt on him. To my suprise he actually did give her a vacate notice and broke up with her within a couple months. Then shortly after he fell hard for a blond hottie who was a few years older and million times more experienced and street wise than him. This gal had been rode hard and hung up wet by every jock, biker, playa' and co(ksman in a 50 mile radius and was bruised and battered and looking for a little puppy dog to rub her feet and tell her how great she is. One day I told him that one year from now her will be planning what to name their babies but that he will be frustrated because she will be keeping him at arms length and that he will find out she is boffing some tattoo'd bar guy claiming he is "just a friend" .......... I was off by 3 days. After the sht hit the fan, he cried in his beer for a few days then got a job across the country, banged a number of chicks, grew up a lot, moved back home and now is dating another hottie that sucks him dry several times a week and treats him great and they will likely be engaged by the end of the holidays. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 a wedding is a joyous occasion.....let it be......this girl isnt your wife.....and you are not your friend...different dynamic different relationship...leave them to feel they have the support of everyone who turns up at their wedding as they rightly should.....if you wouldnt stand up and say i object and state your reasons who you think they shouldnt be married...why say anything at all objectionable to your friend in private...........and prove it one day if that friend needs you ifever he needs someone to talk to, be there for him..........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Anderlie Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I would be worried too if she's only 24 and has only been with the groom to be. Still, they never want to hear it and 'I told you so's' are rarely received well. Definitely go and have fun and be there if it fails. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 He won't listen to anything that you have to say. If anything, you will wreck your friendship. He's got his marriage goggles on and no matter what you say he will not take them off. If you want to preserve this friendship it's best to leave it alone. If you want to speak your mind and lose him as a friend then go ahead tell him what you think. It's best to just let him make his own life choices, and if he comes to regret it, then so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 My cousin was getting married and we were very close. I knew it was a huge mistake. I was in the wedding party. I sat at the bar and got drunk during the wedding. We were also early 20's. He came up to me at the bar after he said his "I do's" and asked me how I was. I told him I loved him and he just married the wrong woman. Lol. He was speechless. I said, you don't know it yet, but 20 years from now, you will. He said nothing. 17 years later they were divorced and he reminded me of my words. We hadn't spoken about it since his wedding day. He said, he knew I was right, but he was committed to marrying her and loved her, but he knew she wasn't really the one in his gut. He learned what he needed to learn from that failed marriage. We had a close enough relationship where I felt I could and needed to say my peace. Not everyone has that luxury. People will do what they will do regardless of our warnings, but at least I said what needed to be said. Another way to look at it, is that they had a wonderful 17-year-old marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 A friend of mines first wife was truly awful and rang bells with all of us. Even on the day of the wedding we strongly advised him against it and told him it wasn't too late to pull out. (He had plenty of time she was an hour late, drunk as a skunk on vodka) He said he had to do the right thing and married her. If he is a good friend and I mean a good friend, and you think he is making a huge mistake then you need to tell him of your concerns. He'll ignore it of course. But at least you'll have done the right thing. In relation to another post, I'd say 17 years was a successful run for a marriage. Not till death us do part but hardly 17 months. Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 My cousin was getting married and we were very close. Your cousin!? Eeeewwwwww. That's horrible You share the same grand parents, that is just plain wrong! Maybe he didn't want you because he didn't fancy having children with webbed toes. Link to post Share on other sites
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