Feeling lost, ?

[Heart33]

So I'm married, have 2 small kids and have been sleeping with a married man who also has 2 young kids on and off for last 5 years. We met in work, I wouldn't even call it a proper affair as we don't communicate regularly, I'd say we have slept together less than 10 times in 5 years.

 

I managed to not have sex with him the last 2 years, although we did have the odd kiss in that time. I had my 2nd child a year ago and had very little contact since then, I wanted to move on from it, I thought it was all over, I left my job to be at home. He contacted me recently, I saw him at an event a few nights ago and we ended up having sex, it was amazing, any time we are together the chemistry is so strong, afterwards it totally consumes me, it is now in my head 24/7 and probably will be for weeks. I don't want to hurt my husband so will make sure he never finds out, I don't trust anyone enough to confide in, it's eating me up this secret I've had for 5 years. I thought leaving my job and being a mom would end it for good but obviously not as it's happened again.

 

I don't think I love this other man but I can't resist him, the attraction and desire is so strong. I know he would never leave his family, for him I think it is just sex, I don't know. I feel like I'm broken, living a lie, my husband has no idea, the problem is I'm not in love with him anymore and don't really want sex with him, I just do it to keep him happy. We get on as friends and he is a great dad, very involved. From the outside we are the perfect family. I don't even know what I'm asking for, nothing really, just need to write it down before I go out of my mind.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[purplesorrow]

So, what is it that you want? I think you will continue to be in turmoil until you figure that out.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[coolheadal]

First off the cheating behind your husband back and now your not in love with your husband. A loud bell should be ringing in your mind right now. Why are you still cheating and why stay in a marriage just for comfort-zone. I can understand the kids need a dad and mom. But you seem lost and confused right now.

 

Either you come clean and tell your husband what you been doing and how you felt out of love with him. Or continue down the path your in. Your going to loose self esteem, then there are other factors to consider here as well. Just not about you and your husband but your kids need mom they can respect.

 

You do not gain any self respect when you cheat like your doing. Really need to think about this as it will in the long run eat away at you. That other man doesn't even care about his own family just doing what players do which is cheat!

[stillcold]

Falling in love is completely different than remaining in love. One may fall in love, but to remain in love there are needs that have to be met as it is a two way street to keep BOTH people mutually in love.

 

I'm assuming you feel out of love because certain needs are not being met by your husband and the mundane and repetitiveness of married life has made things boring.

 

So tell us: what needs are not being met? Do you find your relationship boring? Why do assume your husband is still in love as well? Maybe he feels the disconnect as well.

 

PS: if you feel this way, I'm sure your husband feels somewhat similar since one when partner is disconnected from the relationship in some way, the other partner will experience the effect in some way even if the disconnected partner is trying to hide it.

[Matilda75]

It's not hard to imagine that as a mother of two young children that you'd want the rush that goes with this fantasy affair. Husbands of everyday life pale in comparison to the dashing men of these brief encounters. You're only human.

 

In these situations with a fantasy lover its easy to see/magnify the faults and annoying ways of your husband. Yet just because this interloper was able to sweep you off your feet, don't think this means you won't or can't remember and reconnect with why you fell in love with your husband in the first place.

 

My guess is that you are at an important crossroad in your life. You get to choose your guiding principles. You get to shape the future for your children. Perhaps you can give yourself the space to sort this all out. Maybe a weekend away with the girlfriends or a place that you enjoy that gives you peace.

[fellini]

I don't know if anyone has told you this before, but we only get ONE LIFE TO LIVE on this planet.

 

So you need to live BEST how you wish to live. And your kids need you to live the best you can EVER live.

 

THERE IS NOTHING ELSE. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

 

Stop pretending you don't know what you want, and do it. Bracket OUT your affair and your decision is CLEAR! Get out of your marriage and live your life.

 

As long as you PRETEND you are choosing between this other impossible married man and your husband, you are allowing your self to stay in limbo.

You will only GET OUT of limbo when you recognise that you are already OUT the door mentally but you forgot to take your BÖDY with you.

 

Read Michelle langley (womensinfidelity dot com) on LIMBO and you will see you are so far into stage 3 you are practically in 4:

 

Stage 3

 

Women at Stage 3 are involved in affairs, ending affairs, or contemplating divorce. Women who are having affairs experience feelings unlike anything they have experienced before. They feel “alive” again and many believe they have found their soul mates. These women are experiencing feelings associated with a chemically altered state, or what is typically referred to as being in love. These women are also typically in tremendous pain, the pain of choosing between their husbands and their new love interests. They typically believe that what they are doing is wrong and unfair to their husbands, but yet are unable to end their affairs. Many often try several times. Prior to meeting with their lovers, they will vow that it will be the last time, but they are unable to stick with their decisions. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, women at Stage 3 conclude that their lovers are soul mates because they are unaware that they have become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released during the initial stages of a relationship. Many live in a state of limbo for years. “Should I stay married or should I get a divorce?” this is the question continuously on the minds of women at Stage 3 – it is also common for women at this stage to attempt to initiate a separation. In most cases, husbands of women at Stage 3, will launch futile attempts to make their wives happy by being more attentive, spending more time at home and helping out around the house. Regardless of women’s past and present complaints, the last thing women at Stage 3 want, is to spend more time with their husbands. The reason many women will give for their desire to separate is a “search for self.” They convince their husbands that they might be able to save their marriage if they can just have time to themselves. They tell their husbands that time apart is the only hope of improving their current situation. Women at this stage want to free themselves of the restrictions of marriage and spend more time with their lovers. Most think that eventually their confusion will disappear. They think they will eventually know with certainty whether they want to stay married or get divorced and be with their lovers. Separation allows women at this stage, to enjoy the high they experience with their lovers without giving up the security of their marriages. Husbands of Stage 3 women are often unaware that their wives are having affairs. Their lack of suspicion is typically due to their wife’s disinterest in sex and in their belief that their wife is a “good girl.”Women at Stage 3 may also be experiencing the ending of an extramarital affair, and the ending may not have been their decision. They may have been involved with single men who either lost interest because the relationship could not progress or who became attracted to another women who was single. Women whose affairs are ending often experience extreme grief. They may become deeply depressed and express tremendous anger toward their husbands. They are typically unaware that they are experiencing chemical withdrawal due to sudden changes in their brain chemistry. As a result, many will feel that they have missed their chance at happiness due to their indecisiveness. Believing they have become more aware of what they want and need from a mate, women at this stage will often place the utmost importance on finding a ”new” relationship that will give them the feeling they experienced in their affairs. A new relationship with a new partner will also represent a clean slate, a chance for these women to regain their “good girl” status. Some women will search for new partners during their separations. Others will return to their marriages, but not emotionally and still continue to search. Some women will resume sporadic sexual relations with their husbands in an effort to safeguard their marriage until they make a decision. Although they are often not sexually attracted to their husbands, desire is temporarily rekindled when they suspect their husbands are unfaithful, are contemplating infidelity, or when their husbands show signs of moving on.

[Friskyone4u]

One of two things will happen. You will either be so miserable and depressed from long term leading your double life or your husband will catch you. No one thinks they will get caught. If your OM disappears you will find another one since you do not love your husband.

Your story is not unique. You want to cake eat , which you are doing , but you want to feel good about doing it. That won't happen even if some cheerleaders come along here to cheer you up and encourage you.

You are not heading for a happy ending and why on earth would you bring another child into this sham marriage of yours knowing you do not love your husband. That is worse than what you are doing

[road]

You need to be honest and tell your BH. You must block all access to have NC, no contact with your OM.

[jbrent890]

As one person already stated, your position is not unique at all. The reason you feel out of love with your husband is because you are investing all your emotional energy into your AP. Nobody can compete with a fantasy and that's exactly what your affair is. You are right, your AP will never leave his family for you. If you are comfortable being someone's side piece, then keep doing what you are doing. Personally, that sounds like a very sad life to me. I would rather be with someone that actually loves me and trust me, most of the time, the MOM does not love his AP. He will tell you what you want to hear to keep the sex coming. As it stands you have two options. Option 1, you come clean to your husband and let him know the full extent of your affair. I'm going to level with you, pretty much everything bad thing you hear about confessing is true. Your marriage will never be the same. Those stories you hear about marriages getting stronger after confession are the minority and usually come from the standpoint of the WS. BH usually do choose to reconcile, but eventually call it quits years later. We have a very hard time getting over are spouses cheating. The hardest part from what I have seen is watching their wife shift their emotional energy from their AP back to their spouse. It's a very painful thing to witness. However, the great thing that confession does do is it finally lets your husband know the truth of his life. I hate to say it, but the last five years if your marriage were a lie. Your husband loves a woman he feels loves him unconditionally and we both know that isn't the case.

 

Option 2, you divorce your husband. If you want to keep your affair to yourself, I heavily suggest this route. If you plan on leaving, then there is absolutely no reason to tell. To me, that is just adding insult to injury. Why stay in a marriage when you don't love your spouse? Is it security? Personally, nothing would break my heart more than to find out my wife only stayed with me because I am a walking wallet. Your husband deserves to be with someone that actually loves him. You tried breaking off the affair and keeping it to yourself, but it did not work. What you are asking us is to give you new ways to do what you are doing, which is lie. I know this is going to sound harsh, but you need to hear it. 5 years is a long time to let someone take up rent in your head. Personally I do not see this ending well for you. I really do wish more cheaters would actually think about the consequences of their actions as opposed to living in the moment.

[Heart33]

I wish it was as simple as some of you say. It's not a choice between my husband and other man, he is unavailable so I'm not even thinking that, I guess it's a choice of being on my own or trying to save marriage. If we didn't have kids it would be easier to walk away, I don't have a job or my own money so rely totally on him. My old company would definitely take me back but that just means I'll see the other man all the time so that wouldn't fix anything.

 

I was totally in love with my husband at one point, wouldn't have even looked at anyone else, I'm not sure why it changed, I think there were a few situations with my husband where my respect towards him faded, he let me down on a few things and I think that's when my feelings started to change. He had always been a jealous type and has told me if I cheated he would kill me, I know this is just a phrase a lot of people say but I honestly am afraid to confess, I don't think he would actually do that but he could loose his temper and really hurt me, I know he'd demand the name of other guy and probably beat him half to death.

 

I really feel being honest isn't an option for me, I guess it's suck it up and forget about what I've done or break up and say it's because I don't love him and say nothing about affair. Even though he has no idea of other man I think he is aware I'm not entirely happy, he asks sometimes if I love him and am happy, he's insecure and constantly needs me to tell him I love him, I have sometimes said well we argue in front of kids and it's not good, maybe it would be better if weren't together, then he gets upset and I back down. Thinking about it he is probably more aware than he wants to admit.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Bryanp]

Would it bother you if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? It also sound to me that this OM is a player which means that there is a real possibility of picking up an STD and a doctor will notify your husband or your husband will come down with an STD.

 

Be prepared to be a divorced woman with two children on her own. Good luck with that.

[TrustedthenBusted]

i'm sure there is some panteontologist or whatever out there who will back me up when I say this:

 

If a man doesn't care that you are sleeping with another man ( ie: your husband ) then he also doesn't care if a piano lands on you and kills you.

 

Seriously... if you died tomorrow, this other guy probably wouldn't know for months, and would just scratch one more piece of work-ass off his list.

 

Don't be somebody's piece of work-ass. That's no way to live.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I wish it was as simple as some of you say. It's not a choice between my husband and other man, he is unavailable so I'm not even thinking that, I guess it's a choice of being on my own or trying to save marriage. If we didn't have kids it would be easier to walk away, I don't have a job or my own money so rely totally on him. My old company would definitely take me back but that just means I'll see the other man all the time so that wouldn't fix anything. I was totally in love with my husband at one point, wouldn't have even looked at anyone else, I'm not sure why it changed, I think there were a few situations with my husband where my respect towards him faded, he let me down on a few things and I think that's when my feelings started to change. He had always been a jealous type and has told me if I cheated he would kill me, I know this is just a phrase a lot of people say but I honestly am afraid to confess, I don't think he would actually do that but he could loose his temper and really hurt me, I know he'd demand the name of other guy and probably beat him half to death. I really feel being honest isn't an option for me, I guess it's suck it up and forget about what I've done or break up and say it's because I don't love him and say nothing about affair. Even though he has no idea of other man I think he is aware I'm not entirely happy, he asks sometimes if I love him and am happy, he's insecure and constantly needs me to tell him I love him, I have sometimes said well we argue in front of kids and it's not good, maybe it would be better if weren't together, then he gets upset and I back down. Thinking about it he is probably more aware than he wants to admit.

 

Well listen, this situation sucks, but you already know that. It doesn't sound like your problem is taking this secret to the grave, it's that you want out of your marriage, but are ill-prepared to take care of yourself and kids without his money.

 

Sounds difficult. In your case, the affair isn't really the issue. Doesn't seem to be anyway. And I wouldn't come clean about that either if I were you. If you are living in PHYSICAL fear of what the repercussions may be, than that is the bigger fish you gotta fry first. That said, I certainly wouldn't tempt fate anymore with the other guy. If his wife finds out, you can be damn sure she's gonna make sure your husband finds out. And then you're really screwed. Good luck containing THAT tornado!

 

Do the Right thing. As lame as that sounds, the right thing is almost always pretty easy to determine when you really sit down and ask yourself.

[Striver]

OP, as you no doubt know your situation is a bit of a mess.

 

You don't have a future with OM and you know it, so as you said it's a choice between marriage and on your own. You need to look at the marriage. Specify here or elsewhere exactly what the issues are in the marriage. If what caused you to to lose respect for H were niggling things, not that big a deal in the big picture, the problem is you. The problem is also you if you communicated with H poorly and didn't keep him in the loop about how you were feeling.

 

If H has committed greater sins that he more or less knows about, that is something else. It was unwise of you to have more children with him once problems developed, but what's done is done.

 

I think you know that your future may not be a rosy one short term, so stringing out the status quo actually makes emotional sense. Won't last forever, though. Good luck.

[Rainbowlove]

I don't know if it's been said, but please get yourself into counseling as soon as possible.

 

Being trapped in your own head is maddening. I don't know how you've been holding it together this long without snapping completely.

 

Stop all contact with this OM. Allow yourself to be without him. He's not solving anything for you - only adding to your problems.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

[Artie Lang]

"He had always been a jealous type and has told me if I cheated he would kill me, I know this is just a phrase a lot of people say but I honestly am afraid to confess, I don't think he would actually do that but he could loose his temper and really hurt me, I know he'd demand the name of other guy and probably beat him half to death."

 

 

ugh... so you went ahead and cheated anyway.

 

 

sounds like you're in the midst of an "exit affair."

 

 

 

 

i suggest you try real hard to snap back into reality and end this before he(husband) finds out and someone really gets hurt- and i don't mean hurt "feelings."

[No Limit]

Well OP, since you're too weak to break it off with your AP, your marriage cannot be saved. Just pray that your MM won't call your husband when you outright refuse to give him sex when he wants it. Don't think your husband won't leave you right away because of the children. Not all people will play the fool a second time.

[violet1]

I don't know if it's been said, but please get yourself into counseling as soon as possible.

 

Being trapped in your own head is maddening. I don't know how you've been holding it together this long without snapping completely.

 

Stop all contact with this OM. Allow yourself to be without him. He's not solving anything for you - only adding to your problems.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

I agree with this. Please get yourself into therapy to figure out why you've cheated and how to proceed with your marriage. Cheating doesn't just hurt your family, it hurts you as a person. It causes a person who may have felt normal prior the affair to feel broken. Cheating turns an honest person into a liar. That's what hated the most about myself when I was cheating. I always valued honesty and my affair made me feel like a hypocrite. You can't undo your actions, but you can make changes that can better your future.

[Heart33]

 

Being trapped in your own head is maddening. I don't know how you've been holding it together this long without snapping completely.

 

Stop all contact with this OM. Allow yourself to be without him. He's not solving anything for you - only adding to your problems.

 

I'm sorry you are in pain.

 

Your right, it is maddening. It's affecting all parts of my life now, I have become distant from my girlfriends, I mean I still see them but I suppose because I'm holding back from them I don't feel much closeness anymore.

 

For those questioning why I had another child, I broke it off 2 years ago and felt in a better place then and able to get on with my life, my husband wanted another child and although I was a bit apprehensive I went along with it. I got pregnant pretty much straightaway. I will never regret having my kids as they are the most perfect and beautiful things in my life. I'm not going to contact OM and I won't see him, that night was a once off, we hadn't slept together for 2 years before that, I know he's no good for me, he really is a cold fish, doesn't talk about his feelings, says that's his way. Anyway I'm still not sure what I'm going to do re marriage but I am feeling calmer today. When I wrote the original post I was feeling panicky, overwhelmed, going out of my mind but I need to be in a clear state to make a decision. Thanks for all your advice.

[suckerpunch55]

As someone who has been in your husbands shoes I would beg you to tell him the truth and confess all. There's going to be a lot of hurt and grief but as least for once you would be honest.

Edited December 18, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jkidding]

Simply put you dont just have sex with OM. You have intercourse with your life (and your husband's life and your kids life, but I bet you dont think about them much). It will come back sooner or later. What you see now is just daisies. When you will be presented full bill.. It will be YIKES!!! And again sooner or later you will. Everybody who goes this path ends up same place.

There is even books about that. Your state of being confused is so classic. Most women say they are just being confused and thinking to make a decision. But... There is no decision to make... Check womensinfidelity.com there is a book about that if you wish. You have already made subconscious decision...

Edited December 21, 2014 by Jkidding

[spanz1]

I don't think I love this other man but I can't resist him, the attraction and desire is so strong.

 

 

my husband has no idea, the problem is I'm not in love with him anymore and don't really want sex with him, I just do it to keep him happy. We get on as friends and he is a great dad, very involved. From the outside we are the perfect family. I don't even know what I'm asking for, nothing really, just need to write it down before I go out of my mind.

 

 

so LOVE is not the issue....its erotic lustful sex. You need it, sex controls your life and decisions. So IF you could start to enjoy sex with your husband again, maybe you can get over this other man? And you cheated on hubby and decided to not confess, so doesn't he at least deserve some dynamite sex from you now??

 

 

What, specifically, does your husband NOT do for you in bed? Have you tried to teach him what makes you orgasm? Is it that he does not do kinky sex acts? He does not go slow and be romantic? Really write down on a piece of paper what the OM does for you that the husband does not, and set out trying to teach hubby how to be a better lover in bed. Or maybe YOU need to learn a new role, maybe you can be the dominant one in bed, and lead him to new heights?

[bubbaganoosh]

Honestly if I were you I would go get your job back. It doesn't matter if your working there or not. You quit your job and still slept with him so that excuse wont work.

 

You need this job because sooner or later this little secret your harboring is going to come out and you've already said that you rely on your husband for money and a roof over your head and when he finds out about it, if you think you have a problem now, your in for a whole bunch of "You ain't seen nothin' yet".

 

Your actions tell me that your selfish and your only thinking of yourself and I can't believe for a minuet that your kids are more important then your affair. You had your chance to break it off but you chose to continue it and it doesn't matter if there was a two year gap between the last time you restarted it and I'll bet the house that there wasn't a gun at your head when you got in bed with him.

 

You don't love your husband yet you make sure he provides for you. You think that's a fair assumption? So far it's all about you and if that's the case then stop sponging off your husband and take what you don't deserve and earn your own way and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe a good dose of reality will wake you up and you'll see that there are other people who will also have to suffer because of your selfishness.

 

Sorry if this comes off rough and not so nice but it's the way it is.

[thummper]

So I'm married, have 2 small kids and have been sleeping with a married man who also has 2 young kids on and off for last 5 years. We met in work, I wouldn't even call it a proper affair as we don't communicate regularly, I'd say we have slept together less than 10 times in 5 years.

 

I managed to not have sex with him the last 2 years, although we did have the odd kiss in that time. I had my 2nd child a year ago and had very little contact since then, I wanted to move on from it, I thought it was all over, I left my job to be at home. He contacted me recently, I saw him at an event a few nights ago and we ended up having sex, it was amazing, any time we are together the chemistry is so strong, afterwards it totally consumes me, it is now in my head 24/7 and probably will be for weeks. I don't want to hurt my husband so will make sure he never finds out, I don't trust anyone enough to confide in, it's eating me up this secret I've had for 5 years. I thought leaving my job and being a mom would end it for good but obviously not as it's happened again.

 

I don't think I love this other man but I can't resist him, the attraction and desire is so strong. I know he would never leave his family, for him I think it is just sex, I don't know. I feel like I'm broken, living a lie, my husband has no idea, the problem is I'm not in love with him anymore and don't really want sex with him, I just do it to keep him happy. We get on as friends and he is a great dad, very involved. From the outside we are the perfect family. I don't even know what I'm asking for, nothing really, just need to write it down before I go out of my mind.

 

Then give the poor guy a break and let him go. He may hurt now, but when he realizes the depth of betrayal coupled with your obvious disdain for him, he'll find that it was the best thing that could have happened to him. And you can go and find your true love.

[Survivor12]

One of two things will happen. You will either be so miserable and depressed from long term leading your double life or your husband will catch you. No one thinks they will get caught. If your OM disappears you will find another one since you do not love your husband.

Your story is not unique. You want to cake eat , which you are doing , but you want to feel good about doing it. That won't happen even if some cheerleaders come along here to cheer you up and encourage you.

You are not heading for a happy ending and why on earth would you bring another child into this sham marriage of yours knowing you do not love your husband. That is worse than what you are doing

 

There is a third possibility--Her husband will either leave or find someone to fill the void.