Don't care enough to hear the answers to ths ?s

[MightyQuinn]

If you want to read the whole story it is here, but the TL;DR version: Discovered husband is cheating and hiding an affair, I haven't told him yet that I know about his infidelity OR that I plan to divorce him over it.

 

I've done some snooping and I found Facebook messages talking about some of what they've done, that she's my WH's #1, that she's prettier than me, that he's the best the OW ever had. I also found some naked photos of the OW and videos of her... playing with herself. I haven't found any of what he sent her, but based on what I've seen, I'm guessing my WH has sent the OW photos and videos of himself, too.

 

So that's what I know. I can look at dates on some of the files they sent each other and I can't really tell if the affair has been going on for a few months or for a few years, but really, I don't care to hear the answer, it feels like none of the answers matter. Here are the questions that go through my head that part of me seems to think I should be asking:

 

How long has this been going on with this OW?

Are there other OWs besides this one?

Has this been happening our whole marriage (4 years)?

Has this been happening our whole relationship (13 years)?

Has this been happening the whole time you've worked together (5 years)?

When she had a miscarriage, did you think it was yours?

Do you really love her, or were you just saying things to get her to give you sex?

Did you mean to get caught?

Did you mean to blow up our marriage and you couldn't find any other way but to do this?

What exactly did you think would happen if I caught you?

 

So these questions run through my head every so often and every damn one of them, my reaction is "It doesn't matter, he's a liar." I honestly don't think I'll ever ask him any of these questions, ever, except for maybe that last one. But even then, the reason why I don't think I'll ever ask is because I don't think I can believe a word of whatever answers he might have. That's truly the reason I'm breaking this off: I can't believe him, he's a lying cheater. If it would have been a one-night stand and he came groveling to me and admitted it before I found out on my own, maybe we could be working this out. But he chose to lie and hid an affair for months, possibly years, so I can't believe anything he says. For all I know, our whole relationship was a lie, how could I expect him to tell the truth now?

 

BSs, did you ask any of these questions or have these conversations? Did you get answers? Do you think the WH/WW was telling you the truth? Did their answers help or hurt? Is it worth having these conversations?

 

Even if I don't get any answers from posters here, thanks for reading/listening/whatever. As I said, he doesn't know I'm divorcing him, I am keeping up the act of the devoted and dutiful housewife until this weekend, when I will hopefully be moving out of our house while he is out of town. *knock on wood* I don't have a lot of places for my emotions to go right now, but LS has been helping to keep me sane.

[Friskyone4u]

The things you expressed are all good questions. Most of the time when they are caught you cannot and should not believe more than 10%!of what they tell you .and even when they do confess they still withhold most of the truth and claim it was not to hurt you.

All cheating sucks but I do think there is some difference between a drunken ONS versus a planned thought out affair like Ashley Madison.

You have obviously discovered some terribly hurtful things and probably have shown more courage than almost all. You have not pleaded begged or rugs wept all of this. With what you have discovered it is hard to see how you could stay unless you had no ability to do what you are doing

I applaud your bravery and hope you find peace and can move on successfully

[Matilda75]

My experience asking my WH for answers was that it didnt help. WH's responses were evasive and defensive, which just confused me.

 

At first I thought he must not understand how much I loved him or how his actions hurt me. So I insanely laid my feelings out for him, only for him to minimize and dismiss my reality.

 

I wished I never engaged him at all. If we didnt have kids it would have been better to just leave a note and walk away.

[Hardgrind]

Mighty Quinn,

 

 

I had a similar set of questions for my WW. If you confront your WH you are going to likely get a mixed bag of answers. My advice is to listen to the answers but put a lot more weight on his actions than his words.

 

 

In our case after D-Day, my wife was very open in answering questions about the sex and her interactions with her AP. Frankly, I think she got an emotional high telling me about it. She was essentially bragging.

 

 

Her answers about why it happened were another matter. With words she denied it was an exit affair, but her actions proved to be those of a classic exit affair.

 

 

She denies she loves or is in love with the OM, but as soon as the affair started I noticed that she disengaged from our marriage and was putting all of her emotional energy into the affair. So in my opinion her words to the effect that she loves me and not him are just that, words.

 

 

So in my opinion, it is worth it having the conversation to bring about closure but have your bull detector tuned up and ready to go. Be ready for:

Bragging - special connection with AP, greatest sex ever, we "get each other", etc. etc. etc.

Blame Shifting - the affair is your fault, not his choice

Gas Lighting - the WS will try to convince you none of this is really happening, which is actually a form of mental abuse

Trickle Truth - he will probably tell you as little as possible

"Protecting You" - he will tell you he is withholding information for your protection. More likely he is withholding it for his protection.

Knee Jerk reactions - he will probably be shocked you figured out what happened. The WS often thinks they are so clever and so careful that no one will every figure out what is happening. Don't put too much weight on his words and actions on D-Day. Its the words and actions a week, a month and a year later that really matter.

 

 

One last bit of advice is collect the proof you have (face book posts, the photos and videos, letters and emails between them) and give them to either your lawyer or a trusted friend before confronting your WH. Under no circumstances delete them, even if you get talked into reconciling in the near term. There is always the chance that WS is buying time to get their affairs in order and has no intention of actual R.

 

 

Bottom line is trust your gut more than you trust the words of the WH.

[fellini]

You have said it quite succinctly:

 

The answers to those questions are irrelevant if you have decided your marriage is not worth saving (notice I didn't say LEAVE the cheat)

 

The answers to those questions are "hypothetically" irrelevant if you have decided to save your marriage.

 

The only question and answer you need to ask is: Do I want to save this marriage or not.

 

Once you have asked and answered that, the details will certainly be interesting, but they will also be the source of enormous and permanant pain and suffering for you.

[jackslife]

Getting answers to your questions doesn't matter. You have more evidence of an affair than most people get.

 

Reading between the lines of your previous posts, it sounds like your marriage is childless, (so you are avoiding the huge emotional turmoil that a break up involves) you are the main breadwinner (so no money worries) and your marriage doesn't sound like the one you want or is particularly satisfying to you. (all that stuff about ups and downs, working at it, why stay if you don't have children?)

 

You have decided the marriage is over, so get your divorce and move on. Do you really need to know if he's screwed yet another, other women or not? If you want to Reconcile with him would one affair partner be okay, but four unacceptable. Would you compromise on two to save your marriage? If you've decided your marriage is over, then its over.

 

On a different point, I do wonder if the sheer volume of evidence you have uncovered means your H actually wanted to be caught.

[dichotomy]

 

I honestly don't think I'll ever ask him any of these questions, ever, except for maybe that last one. But even then, the reason why I don't think I'll ever ask is because I don't think I can believe a word of whatever answers he might have.

 

BSs, did you ask any of these questions or have these conversations? Did you get answers? Do you think the WH/WW was telling you the truth? Did their answers help or hurt? Is it worth having these conversations?

 

Even if I don't get any answers from posters here, thanks for reading/listening/whatever. As I said, he doesn't know I'm divorcing him, I am keeping up the act of the devoted and dutiful housewife until this weekend, when I will hopefully be moving out of our house while he is out of town. *knock on wood* I don't have a lot of places for my emotions to go right now, but LS has been helping to keep me sane.

 

If you decided to try to reconcile (and your not) - you would unlikely get the truth at first. Later, over months and months (maybe years) bits and pieces and shades of truth would keep falling out. It is rare for a WS to come clean completely. Sometimes - even they don't really know what the truth is - the whys and whats - they are so messed up - they create little twisted versions of reality in their own head. In my case, I pieced enough together to form my own version of truth, but even then its just my version in my head - and she has her own version as well in her head. Neither are likely the full truth, but what each of us decided to accept as the truth of what and why.

 

Your moving on, made your decision, and handling yourself well. I wish you the best. Seek the truth about yourself.

[fellini]

My WS did absolutely nothing to hide her tracks, but she sure as hell did not want to get caught, not even at the beginning. She just assumed correctly that I had no reason to snoop into her emails and see what she was writing. She left everything in her sent mail folder. But if I don't know that I HAVE something to look for, and I do not know that there is SOMEONE I need to watch for, then I'm not going to see things that are right under my nose. If a WS knows there is blind trust they could leave an envelope with nude pics from a hotel room and probably not have them looked at.

 

HOWEVER, on DDAY, when she said to me: "I'm seeing someone", I suddenly knew exactly who it was without having to ask. Her jaw dropped when I said his name. She thought she had made his presence 100% invisible in our life.

 

I think sometimes lovers just get lazy and don't bother to hide their tracks because they are so absorbed in their secret that hiding the breadcrumbs is just not something they bother to deal with. That or they are complete luddites and have no idea how to delete digital footprints of their complicity.

 

On a different point, I do wonder if the sheer volume of evidence you have uncovered means your H actually wanted to be caught.

Edited December 16, 2014 by fellini

[Spark1111]

I did ask many of these questions and I heard tons of wacky stuff, much of it nonsensical.

 

Cognitive dissonance and altered brain chemistry really rendered my H a complete idiot. But, at least initially, I made the typical BS mistake of seeking truth and applying logic to his fantasy delusional recreational activity, his secret affair.

 

I heard such things as:

 

I thought you didn't love me anymore.

We're just friends.

She started asking me for advice regarding her child and it just grew outta hand.

I thought I could control it.

 

And my favorite: We never meant to hurt you.

 

SOOOOOO, it wasn't until I exposed them, threw him out, sought divorce advice, and wished them well, that HE instituted NC with her and the fog began clearing.

 

And it wasn't until he started begging, BEGGING to reconcile that the answers to those questions became extremely important to me as a condition of even entertaining reconciliation.

[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry to say that I actually laughed out loud reading your questions. I can probably predict the lie that will be told for each question. The only one where you might get some truth would be the last one (What he thought you'd do if you discovered the affair).

 

The only benefit I can see in asking your questions would be to see if he'll continue to lie even after being caught. That would give you confidence about continuing with your plans to divorce. Don't reveal everything you know or your sources.

 

That brings up the more pertinent issue in my mind, though. Similar to you, I had plans to divorce before I confronted my wife. While I didn't have plans to move out (we had two young children), I had met with a divorce attorney and had hired a PI to get me video evidence of them at a hotel room. Like you, I sat on the information and tried to make plans. I was pissed. I only made it three days as my wife made an incredulous claim about how she was trying to work on the marriage. I couldn't help but ask if that's what she had been doing at the hotel a few nights prior when she was supposed to be at work.

 

What happened next threw me off big time. She immediately broke down crying. She said she was so sorry and was glad I finally knew. She said it had gone on for just over a year and that she had tried to break it off 5-6 times. She said she wasn't in love with him and would tell me whatever I needed to know. My anger evaporated. I loved my wife and didn't want my family to end. In the most surreal and ironic moment of my life, I found myself holding and consoling her.

 

I gave her three conditions to avoid an immediate divorce: no lying, no contact (with the OM), and no cheating. She agreed and we started a long and painful reconciliation process that ultimately failed. She broke the first two rules (more than once) and left me with no faith about the third. There's a lot more to the story but you get the idea.

 

My point is that it's really hard to predict your emotions. What happens when he breaks down, sobs uncontrollably, tells you he tried to end the affair, that he never really loved her, that he loves you but she blackmailed him, that he's SO sorry, that he'll do whatever it takes? This is all a normal and standardized damage-control response straight out of the cheater's handbook.

 

Will any of his answers affect your decision? Is there anything that he can say or do that would change your mind? Put some real thought into that ahead of time.

 

I wasn't ready for it. I hope you do better.

[Furious]

If you want to read the whole story it is here, but the TL;DR version: Discovered husband is cheating and hiding an affair, I haven't told him yet that I know about his infidelity OR that I plan to divorce him over it.

 

I've done some snooping and I found Facebook messages talking about some of what they've done, that she's my WH's #1, that she's prettier than me, that he's the best the OW ever had. I also found some naked photos of the OW and videos of her... playing with herself. I haven't found any of what he sent her, but based on what I've seen, I'm guessing my WH has sent the OW photos and videos of himself, too.

 

So that's what I know. I can look at dates on some of the files they sent each other and I can't really tell if the affair has been going on for a few months or for a few years, but really, I don't care to hear the answer, it feels like none of the answers matter. Here are the questions that go through my head that part of me seems to think I should be asking:

 

How long has this been going on with this OW?

Are there other OWs besides this one?

Has this been happening our whole marriage (4 years)?

Has this been happening our whole relationship (13 years)?

Has this been happening the whole time you've worked together (5 years)?

When she had a miscarriage, did you think it was yours?

Do you really love her, or were you just saying things to get her to give you sex?

Did you mean to get caught?

Did you mean to blow up our marriage and you couldn't find any other way but to do this?

What exactly did you think would happen if I caught you?

 

So these questions run through my head every so often and every damn one of them, my reaction is "It doesn't matter, he's a liar." I honestly don't think I'll ever ask him any of these questions, ever, except for maybe that last one. But even then, the reason why I don't think I'll ever ask is because I don't think I can believe a word of whatever answers he might have. That's truly the reason I'm breaking this off: I can't believe him, he's a lying cheater. If it would have been a one-night stand and he came groveling to me and admitted it before I found out on my own, maybe we could be working this out. But he chose to lie and hid an affair for months, possibly years, so I can't believe anything he says. For all I know, our whole relationship was a lie, how could I expect him to tell the truth now?

 

BSs, did you ask any of these questions or have these conversations? Did you get answers? Do you think the WH/WW was telling you the truth? Did their answers help or hurt? Is it worth having these conversations?

 

Even if I don't get any answers from posters here, thanks for reading/listening/whatever. As I said, he doesn't know I'm divorcing him, I am keeping up the act of the devoted and dutiful housewife until this weekend, when I will hopefully be moving out of our house while he is out of town. *knock on wood* I don't have a lot of places for my emotions to go right now, but LS has been helping to keep me sane.

 

In my situation, I had hired a PI after coming across something that could have been bent into something vague and not real proof at all. I just knew in my gut and suddenly some things seemed questionable in hindsight. Blind trust and nothing truly out of the ordinary that couldn't be seen as normal stress from his job. We always spoke to each other three or four times a day and "love you" at the end of those calls.

 

The changes were subtle, but only in hindsight, it was confusing because slowly his moods and temperament seemed to be understandable but the frequency of highs and lows in his moods seemed to cycle more frequently as time went on.

 

The thing is stress is part and parcel of balancing life, it's a common thing for everyone and to imagine that the changes are affair related in a relatinship built on trust seems so far out in that it would seem one would have to be extremely paranoid to even entertain that thought. Ironically, trust is the cheaters number one advantage, and they do whatever it takes to ensure that they will continue to be trusted. It's willfull deceit and it's about control of the narrative, it's about denying their spouse their own reality and it's just plain selfish and cruel.

 

How do ask a cheater...why? Most WS's have been sliding down a slippery slope the "why" for sometime, the why's are a progression of lines that are crossed and each line crossed they build a justication for it. Chances are the "why" is like word salad coming from out of their mouths. The why's have been internalized and in their own head it seems to makes sense to them but when they are actually confronted with the "why" question and verbalize it sounds like a stammering attempt in damage control mixed on with anger, pity for themselves and further attempts to manipulate the control they've become accostumed to.

 

The only truth you need to be focused on is your truth and by not volunteering to play their game any longer. The first thing I would recommend to anyone being cheated on is to save yourself before you even entertaining the idea of saving the marriage.

 

I hope you have a comfortable place to go to and the support of a close family members and close friends to lean on at this difficult time on your life. I really admire your courage and your clear thinking.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Furious
Correction

[prekopsian]

Hello MightyQuinn

 

I've read all of your posts. You really are mighty, eh?

 

My feeling is this – those that participate in an affair are likely to be performing all sorts of mental gymnastics to convince themselves that they're not doing anything wrong.

 

When faced with the types of questions you're wanting to ask, they'll do anything it takes to retain that personal illusion. They'll lie, deflect, or refuse to answer – anything to preserve that sense of self-righteousness.

 

For a BS like yourself, it's impossible to obtain the answers you want. I expect you understand more about the reasoning behind your husband's affair than he does.

 

From what I've read, you're doing any amazing job protecting yourself. Focus on that. Your soon-to-be-ex is a lost cause. The very best of luck to you.

 

P.

[MightyQuinn]

I'm sorry to say that I actually laughed out loud reading your questions. I can probably predict the lie that will be told for each question. The only one where you might get some truth would be the last one (What he thought you'd do if you discovered the affair).

 

The only benefit I can see in asking your questions would be to see if he'll continue to lie even after being caught. That would give you confidence about continuing with your plans to divorce. Don't reveal everything you know or your sources.

 

The laughing out loud and being able to predict the lies... That's exactly why I've found it so hard to even muster up the thought of asking them. I *DO* kinda want to see if he continues to lie. The last nail in the coffin has already been driven as far as I'm concerned, now I can't trust him to leave the house, hang out with friends, even go to work, without feeling like he's going to be out looking for some side-action. I don't want to live that way, constantly wondering and feeling suspicious. That's no way to live, no way to have a relationship.

 

That brings up the more pertinent issue in my mind, though. Similar to you, I had plans to divorce before I confronted my wife. While I didn't have plans to move out (we had two young children), I had met with a divorce attorney and had hired a PI to get me video evidence of them at a hotel room. Like you, I sat on the information and tried to make plans. I was pissed. I only made it three days as my wife made an incredulous claim about how she was trying to work on the marriage. I couldn't help but ask if that's what she had been doing at the hotel a few nights prior when she was supposed to be at work.

 

The first day after discovering, I totally thought I was going to lose it and tip my hand. I was soooo angry I made an excuse that I had to stay at work late, so I got home late on a night we were supposed to hang out with each other. I could barely look at him or speak two words to him. But he made it easy-ish, he picked a fight about me being late, then threw a temper tantrum, said "date night is ruined" and stormed off to his Man Cave. We actually ended up fighting for 3 days about stupid $hit the entire weekend, and one theme that kept popping up was that he was angry at me for spending time with my bestie (I was crying on her shoulder about his cheating). Two things he said almost made me blow everything.

 

"How do I even know you were hanging out with your friend? For all I know, you were with another man." Took a deep breath and said "Well, you have her number, why don't you call her and find out?" And he shut up real quick about that.

 

Then later he said something like "Do you even want to be married to me anymore?" and I almost blew up. Instead, I took a deep breath and said "Seriously, you're questioning whether or not I want to be married to you because I spent time with my friend? How crazy do you sound right now?" And that argument ended shortly thereafter.

 

Those were the hardest points, and they all happened within 3 days of me finding out about him. After I made it through those, I had confidence that I could maintain the facade of a happy wife. Ever since then, it's been almost a game. My rationale is, if he could keep an affair a secret, I can certainly keep this a secret, especially since I can SEE the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm hopefully about 5 days away from being able to drop the ruse.

 

What happened next threw me off big time. She immediately broke down crying. She said she was so sorry and was glad I finally knew. She said it had gone on for just over a year and that she had tried to break it off 5-6 times. She said she wasn't in love with him and would tell me whatever I needed to know. My anger evaporated. I loved my wife and didn't want my family to end. In the most surreal and ironic moment of my life, I found myself holding and consoling her.

 

I gave her three conditions to avoid an immediate divorce: no lying, no contact (with the OM), and no cheating. She agreed and we started a long and painful reconciliation process that ultimately failed. She broke the first two rules (more than once) and left me with no faith about the third. There's a lot more to the story but you get the idea.

 

When I imagine his reaction, I feel like he will just deny, deny, deny, especially since I won't tell him how much I know or how I learned it.

 

And I know he couldn't follow through with those 3 conditions, not the least reason being that he works with her.

 

But even if he got a new job, I'd be wondering if he's looking for tail at his new place of employment.

 

My point is that it's really hard to predict your emotions. What happens when he breaks down, sobs uncontrollably, tells you he tried to end the affair, that he never really loved her, that he loves you but she blackmailed him, that he's SO sorry, that he'll do whatever it takes? This is all a normal and standardized damage-control response straight out of the cheater's handbook.

 

Will any of his answers affect your decision? Is there anything that he can say or do that would change your mind? Put some real thought into that ahead of time.

 

I wasn't ready for it. I hope you do better.

 

I don't think I could believe a word he says, even if he cried. I have evidence that she's been giving him the brush off the last 2 weeks and he's been pursuing her anyway. He was the one who initiated saying "I love you" to her first in their messages. He could promise until he is blue in the face, I don't think he'll do whatever it takes because he can't even do some of the most basic things that I've asked of him, expecting him to carry out actual real-life-adult responsibilities for the rest of his life? Ugh. The one I'm really trying to build myself up for is "Are you going to throw away years of our relationship? We'll have wasted half our lives." I would bet money on him saying something like this. And it will only infuriate me more, because as far as i'm concerned, I didn't throw us away at all. *HE* threw us away the first time he stuck his penis somewhere it didn't belong. But I don't think he'll see it that way, he'll try to say that my behavior sent him into the arms of another woman and try to make me feel guilty.

 

But what's really annoying is 75% of the time, I feel soooooooooo sure that I have no other choice but to leave. That I can't trust anything that he says. That he doesn't respect me or have the feelings for me that I would want in a husband. That I don't think there's any amount of therapy that will fix the giant cracks that have now rocked the foundation of the love I THOUGHT we had.

 

Then there's this 25% of the time (maybe less) where I feel like I'm inevitably going to end up reconciling with him. Then he will probably think he got away with something, and instead of shaping up and flying right, he'll take it as permission to continue to carry out affairs. Wife forgave him the first time, surely she'll forgive again. I don't want to be that person Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me for letting you fool me again.

 

Sheesh, as you can see, I've put a lot of thought into this. That's why I find it so hard to even think about asking the questions I posed.

[MightyQuinn]

In my situation, I had hired a PI after coming across something that could have been bent into something vague and not real proof at all. I just knew in my gut and suddenly some things seemed questionable in hindsight. Blind trust and nothing truly out of the ordinary that couldn't be seen as normal stress from his job. We always spoke to each other three or four times a day and "love you" at the end of those calls.

 

The changes were subtle, but only in hindsight, it was confusing because slowly his moods and temperament seemed to be understandable but the frequency of highs and lows in his moods seemed to cycle more frequently as time went on.

 

The thing is stress is part and parcel of balancing life, it's a common thing for everyone and to imagine that the changes are affair related in a relatinship built on trust seems so far out in that it would seem one would have to be extremely paranoid to even entertain that thought. Ironically, trust is the cheaters number one advantage, and they do whatever it takes to ensure that they will continue to be trusted. It's willfull deceit and it's about control of the narrative, it's about denying their spouse their own reality and it's just plain selfish and cruel.

 

THIS! I trusted him so completely. I had no reason not to. We talked all the time, we "checked in" with each other on a daily basis, date night twice a week.

 

Then once I found out, I noticed the same thing, that in hindsight, things had been different for at least a few months. That a lot of what I wrote off as "work stress" was probably part of his double-life. Some random things he said I thought he was being silly, now smack of him actually probably dropping hints that he was getting busy with someone else. THere was even a time when he and I were out together at a local fair, and he said "Hey, some of my coworkers are here, let's meet up with them." It ended up the OW and her BS were at the fair. Something felt off about their interactions at the time, but I brushed it off. After I found out, I thought about that day, and realized they were "googly-eyed" and kinda nervous around each other. I don't know so much that he wanted to get caught, I think it was actually more of a game with him. Like, how much can I get away with talking about the OW and spending time with the OW while my wife is none the wiser?

 

How do ask a cheater...why? Most WS's have been sliding down a slippery slope the "why" for sometime, the why's are a progression of lines that are crossed and each line crossed they build a justication for it. Chances are the "why" is like word salad coming from out of their mouths. The why's have been internalized and in their own head it seems to makes sense to them but when they are actually confronted with the "why" question and verbalize it sounds like a stammering attempt in damage control mixed on with anger, pity for themselves and further attempts to manipulate the control they've become accostumed to.

 

The only truth you need to be focused on is your truth and by not volunteering to play their game any longer. The first thing I would recommend to anyone being cheated on is to save yourself before you even entertaining the idea of saving the marriage.

 

This is exactly why I am going back and forth with asking these questions. He's been lying and manipulating me for who knows how long. I don't expect it to get better once he is confronted with the truth. I don't want to play his game any more.

 

I hope you have a comfortable place to go to and the support of a close family members and close friends to lean on at this difficult time on your life. I really admire your courage and your clear thinking.

 

Thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing your story.

[BetrayedH]

Hey, for what it's worth, you're doing fine. Check that - you're actually doing fantastic.

 

And I think you see the futility in asking your questions. I am one who always wants the truth but the reality is that we never get enough of it and we're usually left shaking our heads even more after hearing the answers.

 

I think your best path is the one you're on. Shut up, get out, and let him babble to himself. Let your divorce papers do the talking for you. Frankly, I think you'll be quite proud of yourself. You will suffer a rollercoaster emotions. Just try to keep making decisions with your head instead of those emotions.

 

And keep us updated on the apartment. It's bullcrap that it's taking this long to approve your application. Getting out of there is the keystone to avoiding a mess.

[BetrayedH]

Too bad you can't have the papers served to him in front of the OW at work on the same day you move out. It'd be nice to see her say, "Don't look at me." Plus, it would save him the phone call to her that you know he'd make the minute you were out of his sight.

[Clay]

It sounds to me your going through what most of us have. Your starting to question everything and reexamining your life with him. I know its hard not to do this but I think you really need to focus on the basics. He is the one who is cheating. He had every right to come talk to you if things were not working out. He had every right to leave if he felt things were never going to get better. You now know the kind of man you married. If you have no intentions on trying to save your marriage I would recommend you focus on getting out and filing for divorce. If you confront him your only going to cause your self more of a headache. You will never know the true answers to these questions and even if you do you will always doubt the information.

 

There is no doubt being married is difficult at times but cheating is unacceptable. I personally do not ever recommend staying with a cheater. Sure some learn after doing it once but you will never know if he is one of them. Its so much easier to get over a cheater once you have them out of your life.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this. I thought I knew what pain was all about until I was cheated on. I can tell you this. There are far better people out there. I have never cheated and while that might not mean much to some that does cheat it means everything to me. There are lots of men out there that want a real relationship. I am sure you wont have any problems finding someone much better.

 

Clay

[Furious]

THIS! I trusted him so completely. I had no reason not to. We talked all the time, we "checked in" with each other on a daily basis, date night twice a week.

 

Then once I found out, I noticed the same thing, that in hindsight, things had been different for at least a few months. That a lot of what I wrote off as "work stress" was probably part of his double-life. Some random things he said I thought he was being silly, now smack of him actually probably dropping hints that he was getting busy with someone else. THere was even a time when he and I were out together at a local fair, and he said "Hey, some of my coworkers are here, let's meet up with them." It ended up the OW and her BS were at the fair. Something felt off about their interactions at the time, but I brushed it off. After I found out, I thought about that day, and realized they were "googly-eyed" and kinda nervous around each other. I don't know so much that he wanted to get caught, I think it was actually more of a game with him. Like, how much can I get away with talking about the OW and spending time with the OW while my wife is none the wiser?

 

 

 

This is exactly why I am going back and forth with asking these questions. He's been lying and manipulating me for who knows how long. I don't expect it to get better once he is confronted with the truth. I don't want to play his game any more.

 

 

 

Thanks so much for the kind words and for sharing your story.

 

 

 

You're doing great...you're thinking with your head and you're self esteem is in the right place. No one is perfect but....you're value is not determined by the actions of a cheater.

 

I too, kept my discovery close to my chest and I cried, was angry, and wiped my tears and he believed me I had a cold. I alternated between disbelief and hope I was wrong. When the cold hard truth was presented to me by my PI it was surreal, I wasn't crazy and knowing the truth was a double edged gift.

 

Like you I had the opportunity to write my own ending and it would be on my terms. I contacted a lawyer, got my ducks in order, and coached myself in how to confront him. I chose a dignified confrontation and simply handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I refused to cry in front of him, I refused to answer what I knew or didn't know, I only said "you have a girlfriend and that's all I or you need to know".

 

I asked for space and said our future communication would be handled through my lawyer. Any concerns or questions about the children would be handled through e-mail.

 

Letting go is frightening and also liberating. It's painful, and there's grief and mourning for what was and what could have been.

 

Lean on your family and friends, feel what you feel and love yourself. Look in the mirror and you're looking at you're own hero. Life is too beautiful, and life doesn't end here, it's only a new beginning and your value is up to you.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Furious
Cirection

[oldshirt]

I really haven't posted much on your threads (because you got this :-) ) but I do read then daily and try to keep up them.

 

 

I think you are doing a good job and doing everything right given your situation and given that your mind was made up the moment you discovered his affair.

 

 

 

 

That being said, in regards to your questions, I understand why anyone would want to know those things and want to know the truth, in your case the answers to those questions are really quite irrelevant and carry no significance.

 

 

The facts in the case are these -

 

 

- you were somewhat dissatisfied and frustrated with him to begin with.

 

 

- you are not dependent on him in any way nor do you share children with him.

 

 

- you know without a shadow of a doubt that he committed an inexcusable offense for which nothing he can say or do and nothing else can change your mind to divorce and move on.

 

 

So there for..... it doesn't really matter.

 

 

Let me put it this way - if your intentions were to try to save the marriage, you would need to know some of those things so you could grasp how much work would need to be done.

 

 

And even if you were not decided on whether to reconcile or divorce, you would need to know some of those things in order to decide if reconciliation was even going to be on the table or not.

 

 

But since your mind is quite made up and knowing any of those facts will not make any difference in the outcome, then there's really no reason to even know.

 

 

in fact I think knowing those facts will only made you madder and after a certain level of anger, you will probably want to inflict pain and suffering on him as "punishment" and that will just cloud your judgment and make you cut corners or screw something up.

 

 

And given the fact that you won't believe anything that comes out of his mouth anyway, why even bother?

 

 

Like I said earlier - you got this. You are doing what you think is best for you on your terms and by your rules. if you start interrogating him then it will just give him an opportunity to take the stage and do a song and dance.

[Realist3]

when I will hopefully be moving out of our house while he is out of town. *knock on wood*

 

Make it happen. If you don't have your apartment lined up yet, just gp for an extended stay place until you do.

[merrmeade]

Incredible. My WS did the same thing. The first day back to work from DDay (where he AP worked by the way) she had deleted all their email communication - pretty kinky stuff considering she is a professor and he a vice dean in a university both over 50.... but the thing is, she copied and pasted all the email content into a document as a momento, gave it a glowing title and promptly put it into dropbox. She didn't know that later when she deleted it from there, a copy resided on the cloud. She had supposedly gone NC three days before this classless act - throwing him under the bus, but not entirely, as I found out.

This is so satisfying it hurts.

[NSGurl]

MightyQuinn, I am so impressed with how you are managing this. Your thoughtful and thorough sorting will serve you well now and down the road.

 

You mentioned your ability to have trust, or lack there of, should the two of you have a future together. THAT was the nail in my coffin. When I knew to the core of me that I would be living a life with an undercurrent of anxiety because I could not fully trust him, it was clear. I deserved a better life than that. BUT...the difference between you and I is my xh had an "inappropriate" friendship, then three years later he had a full blown affair.

 

To this day, he does not know that I knew of his affair. His answers to any question would have fallen short and I did not want to have those distasteful conversations in my head haunting my future. Not to mention, my dignity and self respect was worth more than his words or soothing my short term curiosity. Our divorce was fast and a matter of business. I did not engage or bite when he threw down a comment. I simply pulled on that business hat and moved forward into my future.

 

I wish you all the best MightyQuinn. These are painful times but you have a good head on your shoulders and your future will have peace again. You can trust that.

[badkarma2013]

POSTED By MightyQuinn

 

"I don't think I could believe a word he says, even if he cried."

 

1.Why should you...give me a good reason?

 

2. As most of us here you have been LIED to,and you have been DECEIVED and BETRAYED...

 

3. After doing those horrific things to us ...should any BS here think there are suddenly going to be truthful...NO

 

4.WE should (as stated in another post) expect to be trickle truthed to death...every answer will be MIMIMIZED..and as i have stated ..WE WILL NEVER KNOW THE TRUTH...HOW THEY FELT HAVING SEX WITH THE OM/OW...HOW IT TRULY STARTED AND MOST OF ALL WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US..

 

5. Fellini told you the truth...decide if YOUR MARRIAGE is worth saving..not being with a cheat...YOUR MARRIAGE.....

 

6. If you do R...i truly believe you will find out many answers over time...But as the old saying goes "Be very careful what you ask for"...If and when you do find some answers.....Some of them will cause you IMMENSE PAIN and you will carry a piece of that to your dying day...

[aliveagain]

My ex never confessed even though she had a child as a result of her two year affair. Once the DNA results were given to me, she called while I was on the road home, all I said was how could you do that to me? She was gone by the time I got home. Once you decide you want the truth, all of it. Tell him he has one chance and one chance only to tell you everything. Explain that he will be required to pass a polygraph if you decide reconciliation is an option and if any deception is discovered you will divorce him immediately.

 

It's your turn to be selfish so do what is best for you. Please talk to a lawyer before you confront him, you need to know your rights and you need to protect your finances. So sorry you are going through this.

[violet1]

Out of curiosity, are you planning on passing the evidence to the OW's husband? My apologies if you've already discussed it and I missed it.

 

 

I am very impressed with you btw. You seem to have everything in order. I wish you the best in finding an apartment and moving on with your life. You are an inspiration to many of the struggling BS's here.