Holidays After An Affair

[jbrent890]

Hello All,

 

This thread will be me sharing how thanksgiving went and an update on my marriage. As most of you may know, my wife and I decided to reconcile. This was not an easy decision to say the least. Surprisingly, for me, it wasn't the ONS that bothered me, it was the lie she told for two years that did me in. In my marriage, I have never lied to my wife about anything (actually I lie about her cooking). She knows about my past drug use, cheating, family issues. Hell since I work in a predominantly female field (I'm a nurse), she even knows when I have crushes (all have been harmless). Her not telling me the truth felt like the biggest slap in the face. I will admit, at that point in time in my life, if she had told me, I more than likely would have left. However, it was still my decision to do so. The reason I decided to R was because I remembered the two years after her ONS. She was literally awesome. I always wondered what it was. I felt like she went from giving 100% to 120%. Her extra effort did not go unnoticed, which caused me to put the extra effort in as well. At that point in time, I felt like we had the dream marriage and that she was doing those things because she really wanted to. Now I figured out that she did those things because she was guilty of screwing someone else. Again, I fell like the last two years were a lie. However, I am taking into account how much she recommitted back to the marriage, especially with me not knowing about her cheating. After reading a lot of threads, I find that most WSs don't recommit until after they are caught and even then it takes a while for them to get to that point. With my wife, it was almost instantaneous.

 

Now on to Thanksgiving. We spent Thanksgiving with my sister in law, one of the people who told my wife not to tell me she cheated. I really didn't want to go, but because they live 30 minutes from us, it made since to be around family for this holiday. To say that the night did not go well would be an understatement. As I stated, I have my good days and bad days, and from the start, this was a bad day. The entire day I thought to myself "what do I have to be thankful for?" I have a wife that cheated and family members that knew and hid it from me. I still carried on with a smile on my face that is until after diner. My brother in law could notice the tension between me, my wife, and sister in law. Apparently he had no idea about the affair or his wife involvement in covering it up. None the less when he found out, he was not happy with my sister in law. Even though me and him barely talk to each other, he had my back. It even got to the point where he asked my sister in law if she cheated and covered it up. At that point I told my wife it was time to leave. I was steaming during the drive home. My wife saw this and pulled the car over and told me to get out. She immediatley came over to me and gave me a hug. She then told me that she was thankful for having a husband that is as loving and forgiving as me and that she is not taking this for granted. That was exactly what I needed and I realized that maybe we might be okay. When we got home, we decided that we will spend holidays by ourselves until we can work this out. I don't think she realized how much of her decision would effect other family members as well.

 

In terms of who else knows, only my father. I decided I'm not going to tell my mother. My mother had been against our relationship from day one because we are from different races (I'm black and my wife is white). My mother always told me that my wife would do something like this. My father is a huge reason I gave my wife another chance. He once cheated on my mom before they got married and thanks God everday he got a second chance. Heck I do too seeing as if I wouldn't be here if she didn't. Well there it is. I guess my question is, how have the holidays gone for you guys after affairs were discovered?

[Man Mountain Makino]

I'm sorry you had to endure this, friend. Good luck to you.

[EverySunset]

Hmm well at first I did everything by myself for the kids while he sorted himself (found out later, much later he was with her) and then I felt stupid. Like, here I was being supermom, superwife, and everybody's rock when he was out doing whatever he felt the urge to do without any thought to the well-being of his family. While I did everything for our family and extended family AND picked up the pieces.

 

Holidays felt even lonlier when we were together again. I would sit across from him wondering who he even was.

 

I didn't have the remorseful partner you do. Mine was a jerk from start to finish and didn't get better about any of it until it was completely over for me. I can not un-see. I can not un-know. That's when he started making promises and being a human being. Unfortunately that when I no longer cared.

 

If you want a real marriage now, you have a great shot at it. A partner that came clean. A remorseful and work together attitude. A partner. When wood splits and you reset it with wood glue, it is often stronger sealed together than untreated, once you take off the clamp holding it together. So if you can hold on until you both heal, you have a chance at a marriage perhaps even stronger than before you started.

 

For me, my holidays didn't improve until I left. Now... well now I am truly happy. But I didn't have the elements you do.

 

Good luck moving forward. Hugs to you

Edited November 28, 2014 by EverySunset

[dichotomy]

Its been a long time since dDay, but a major part reason I stayed was for family. We had a wonderful dinner at my cozy home with three generations of family and card games afterwards - and laughing and eating too much. It reminded me why I stayed.... as a turkey sandwich in a quiet apartment might have been the possible alternative choice.

 

Back you you - surprised (but not really) you permitted going to dinner at your lying SIL's home. but I am sooooo happy she got busted by her husband as a liar and cheat protector. Now thats worth being thankful for...

[Wondering33]

Considering other post you're probably not going to like what I say but here it goes anyways.

 

Holidays didn't go so well after I told him (yes, I didn't get caught I sat him down & told him everything). He had a break down & we dealt with it & went to therapy.

 

Can I ask why are you harboring bad feelings toward you sister Inlaw & now your marriage problems are effecting another marriage (they don't deserve that). Your sister Inlaw is your wife's family, she gave her advice that she felt was the best for her. That will be her family, no matter what, their loyalty (should) & will always be to her first (God forbid something happens to you, she has a family that has her back). Your marriage isn't anyone else business (your wife put them in the middle) by being upset with everyone is just taking away from your marriage. This would be the reasons IC tell people not to tell. Your wife didn't have an affair (from what you stated) she slipped up one night & feels terrible. You have every right to be upset, but let it be productive for your marriage, if that's what you want.

[Trep]

Considering other post you're probably not going to like what I say but here it goes anyways.

 

Holidays didn't go so well after I told him (yes, I didn't get caught I sat him down & told him everything). He had a break down & we dealt with it & went to therapy.

 

Can I ask why are you harboring bad feelings toward you sister Inlaw & now your marriage problems are effecting another marriage (they don't deserve that). Your sister Inlaw is your wife's family, she gave her advice that she felt was the best for her. That will be her family, no matter what, their loyalty (should) & will always be to her first (God forbid something happens to you, she has a family that has her back). Your marriage isn't anyone else business (your wife put them in the middle) by being upset with everyone is just taking away from your marriage. This would be the reasons IC tell people not to tell. Your wife didn't have an affair (from what you stated) she slipped up one night & feels terrible. You have every right to be upset, but let it be productive for your marriage, if that's what you want.

 

Why wouldn't he be harboring ill feelings towards his sister-in-law? She played a part in convincing OP's wife in deceiving him. I think any sane person would be upset by this.

[Selfish]

You are really fresh past DDay. You obviously know you went to your sister in laws to soon. You were ripe to create strife in that situation because of how fresh this is. It is a very good thing that your wife chose you over her sister. It shows commitment. And you will soon realize those two years weren't a lie. If she had been banging the dude all along it was. She put a real honest effort into the marriage for real reasons. She believed and followed a very popular opinion especially for ONS. (In fact I have seen sticklers on here for confession even say they might make consessions for a ONS)

 

You can be upset with her sister. Specially if you don't like her current attitude. But remember. Her loyalty will be with her sister and she gave her advice based on that. Advice that was the same as the IC your wife saw.

 

Don't put so much rage on a person who offered advice. Your wife did not have to listen.

 

Your wife has the ONS and your wife chose not to confess and instead follow the advice of recommitting without confession (very popular) It was your wife all long. And it wasn't like her sister was covering for an active affair. That is far different than this.

 

Focus on you and your wife for now but remember not to blame either the IC or your sister for your wife's actions. Those are hers alone. They didn't make her hide it.

[aliveagain]

It is always difficult when family are involved, family that gave your wife advice after her dirty deed was done, advice that they viewed favored the survival of the marriage. My guess is had your wife asked her opinion about starting an affair before the sex with O/M her advice might have been quite different. One of the things we always recommend that betrayed spouses do after discovery is get rid of any facilitators, people that knew and helped them cover it up. Hard to do that when it is family. Affairs not only affect those in it but also family and friends, this is a perfect example of that.

[fellini]

Im in NC with my sisters in law- actually the entire family because when they learned about my WS they sided with her and tried to use the breakdown to drive a wedge even further between us. My WS has since forgiven them and carries on like it was just a bad day at the office.

 

But in your case you actually said that MAYBE IF your W had told you about the ONS you would have ended the marriage right then and there.

 

So isn't it fair to say the advice given to her actually worked towards contribution to saving the marriage?

 

On the one hand she is covering her sisters back, but on the other she is trying to save the marriage or don't you think that was her INTENTION?

[jbrent890]

Im in NC with my sisters in law- actually the entire family because when they learned about my WS they sided with her and tried to use the breakdown to drive a wedge even further between us. My WS has since forgiven them and carries on like it was just a bad day at the office.

 

But in your case you actually said that MAYBE IF your W had told you about the ONS you would have ended the marriage right then and there.

 

So isn't it fair to say the advice given to her actually worked towards contribution to saving the marriage?

 

On the one hand she is covering her sisters back, but on the other she is trying to save the marriage or don't you think that was her INTENTION?

 

There's an old saying "the road to hell is always paved with good intentions." I don't see what she did was good for the marriage. To me it was what was good for her. She knew thay cheating was a deal breaker for me and yet she did it anyway and kept it from me. And ain't life grand. She went through all that trouble to keep it from me and yet we still ended up at the undesirable outcome. Even though I'm very black and white when it comes to this, I told her I will give her a year. Like I said, I have my good days, but I also have my very bad days. And unfortunately regardless of the amount of counseling we are doing, this hasn't improved much and please believe me when I say that I am trying. In terms of her sister, I'm not talking to her at the moment and I don't see that changing anytime soon. A lot more things were said to me at that dinner that I didn't mention that really pissed me off. Long story short, even though she didn't deliberately say it, she essentially blamed me for what my wife did. My wife is trying so hard to fix this, but I still can't get the thought of divorce out of my head. I'm only 30 and have a lot going for me. More than most guys I know at least. I honestly feel like starting over with someone else might be easier. But at the same time, I know my wife wouldn't pull something like this again and I don't want to run the risk of ending up with some one else that would do the same thing. We still have another 10 months, so hopefully something will change.

[road]

There's an old saying "the road to hell is always paved with good intentions." I don't see what she did was good for the marriage. To me it was what was good for her. She knew thay cheating was a deal breaker for me and yet she did it anyway and kept it from me. And ain't life grand. She went through all that trouble to keep it from me and yet we still ended up at the undesirable outcome. Even though I'm very black and white when it comes to this, I told her I will give her a year. Like I said, I have my good days, but I also have my very bad days. And unfortunately regardless of the amount of counseling we are doing, this hasn't improved much and please believe me when I say that I am trying. In terms of her sister, I'm not talking to her at the moment and I don't see that changing anytime soon. A lot more things were said to me at that dinner that I didn't mention that really pissed me off. Long story short, even though she didn't deliberately say it, she essentially blamed me for what my wife did. My wife is trying so hard to fix this, but I still can't get the thought of divorce out of my head. I'm only 30 and have a lot going for me. More than most guys I know at least. I honestly feel like starting over with someone else might be easier. But at the same time, I know my wife wouldn't pull something like this again and I don't want to run the risk of ending up with some one else that would do the same thing. We still have another 10 months, so hopefully something will change.

 

 

 

Recovery is a two for five year process.

[Wondering33]

Why wouldn't he be harboring ill feelings towards his sister-in-law? She played a part in convincing OP's wife in deceiving him. I think any sane person would be upset by this.

 

No she didn't. The sister Inlaw wasn't there when the wife slept with the other guy. Her sister went to her for advice, she gave advice on what she saw what was best for her sister. That's isn't the sister inlaw's fault. I think when people are angry, they look at anything & everything to be angry about. Someone's marriage isn't about anyone else but the two that are married. Why give power of it to other people?

[jbrent890]

No she didn't. The sister Inlaw wasn't there when the wife slept with the other guy. Her sister went to her for advice, she gave advice on what she saw what was best for her sister. That's isn't the sister inlaw's fault. I think when people are angry, they look at anything & everything to be angry about. Someone's marriage isn't about anyone else but the two that are married. Why give power of it to other people?

 

To me, advice entails letting people know what all the possible outcomes are for a decision. That didn't happen. Her sister flat out told her not to tell me. That's not advice, that's telling someone what to do. But I do agree with you, at the end of the day, it was my wife's decision to tell and she didn't.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I have a post on here about my "mother in law" used in quotes and with empphasis on the law part, because she is most certainly not my mother in any way.

 

ANyway, I spend the holidays like this.

 

1. I do all the cooking. So they all sit around and I hangout in the kitchen with my sons helping me, as I want them to learn to cook holiday meals too.

 

2. I sit down, and eat, and listen to everyone tell me how good the meal is.

 

3. They clean, and I go watch football. I don't even like football, but I watch it twice a year. Thanksgiving, and Xmas, so I don't have to talk to my in-laws.

 

 

Interestingly, I too an in a mixed race marriage. I didn't want to start a thread about it but I can tell you the race of the guys she chose.... it is a factor in our healing.

[Spark1111]

I couldn't deal with holidays for two years for many of the same reasons you posted, so I did them differently.

 

My FWH also chose to confide in one sister for about 6 months prior to DDay.

 

I have forgiven her because she did admonish him to get counseling.

 

But my young adult children never will.

 

So we did holidays differently, minus extended family, in ways so I would not trigger and cause collateral damage.

 

Please think of new and different ways to celebrate with your wife and children until you are able to sit at the table without seething.

 

Good luck to you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Christmas was just a few short weeks after the final DDAY. It was hard that year - really hard for many, many reasons. In fact holidays for the next few years were hard.

 

I can honestly say that this year (now five years past) is good so far. I finally had the excitement back - putting up the decorations and baking cookies, shopping, etc. It truly is better.

 

Unfortunately there will always be that - in the distant past - but if you work at it, it does improve.

 

I think you just have to do what you can - do the best you can. Time, time and more time.

[Selfish]

To me, advice entails letting people know what all the possible outcomes are for a decision. That didn't happen. Her sister flat out told her not to tell me. That's not advice, that's telling someone what to do. But I do agree with you, at the end of the day, it was my wife's decision to tell and she didn't.

 

no advice is telling someone what you think they should do. It was what you see as "bad" advice. But it was still advice. Because she never made your wife keep it a secret nor did the IC. Your wife took their advice and based it on what she wanted to do, and followed it.

 

we all have the tendency to follow the advice we like.