Just confessed an infidelity. I want my relationship to work.

[Persefone]

Hi all,

 

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake.

I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday.

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this.

We are going to counseling on Friday.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

Thank you.

 

P

[DKT3]

Hi all,

 

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake.

I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday.

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this.

We are going to counseling on Friday.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

Thank you.

 

P

 

Its very difficult, for many men they just can't get the thoughts of his woman being with another man.

 

We couldn't save our marriage, I just felt like she wasn't being honest with me. Its hard but you have to do most of the work, right now I'm sure he is looking for a reason to stay even through everything is telling him to run. Give him a reason to stay. Find and read as many books about infidelity as you can, try to get him to read them also or just leave them around the house (assuming you live together). This will be the hardest thing you've done relationship wise, and it will take YEARS.

 

Good luck

[road]

How old are the both of you?

 

 

You need to tell him the whole truth. That means no trickle truthing. If a BH has to fight to get the truth it will trust from being repaired. Trust can be repaired though it will never get back to 100% as it was before the PA.

 

 

Be honest, though do not be brutal. Let the BH guide the depth of knowledge that he needs. A BH ask how many times a WW had sex. A few times when it was 4. It is better to say 4. A lot is the wrong answer when it was 20 times. If you can not remember the exact times then think hard and give your best guess and state that is what you are saying. I don't remember the exact number but it was about 18 - 22 times. If the BH asks did you have sex you tell him yes. If the BH did not ask more about the sex then do not volunteer info. This is how the BH gets to control how much detail he wants to hear.

 

 

You can not hide who the OM is from your BH. You must have NC, no contact with the OM.

 

 

You must live life as an open book. Give up all passwords, access to PC and cell so your BH can verify NC is in place. You must shut down all ways that you and the OM contacted.

 

 

Where and how did you meet the OM?

[gettingstronger]

Here is the thing that probably eats at him- not only did you betray him but you hid it for 2.5 years-its an empty feeling knowing someone looked at you day after day holding in such a huge lie- what he decides to do about it may take weeks or months- he may go back and forth between forgiveness and utter disgust- read the pinned post about what every WS should know at the top- give it to him as well so you can discuss it-

 

Good luck-

[elaine567]

You need to tell him the whole truth. That means no trickle truthing.

 

Agreed, what seems to mess BSs up most is the constant changing of the goal posts.

"He was just a friend", "it was only the once", "I was drunk", "it meant nothing", over time changes gradually to - "we text all day every day", "I think I loved him, he certainly loved me", "we made love anywhere and everywhere", "we went away together that time when I said I was visiting my mum"... etc. etc.

 

Better IMO to get it all out, no matter how bad, so the BS can make up their mind up at the start rather than having to go through the hell of trickle truths and always wondering where it will all end.

[jm2013]

I think later on he'll give you more respect for telling him yourself. If he's just your boyfriend you may run into some trouble. I'm not sure what that feeling would be like at a dating stage but one could only assume it would be that much easier to just walk away. If you wish to try and salvage your relationship it is in for a rough road. Do you have kids? Do you live together?

[Mal78]

I think what will be harder than the hurt of the affair is how long it took you to confess.

 

Infidelity hurts... loss of time (time stolen) also hurts. Sure things probably have been great the past 2.5 years this has allowed time for your bf to fall deeper in love with you perhaps your hopes as your advantage to when you decided "the time is right" to tell him.

 

Let HIM make the next move. Let him think. Let him go through the emotions. Ultimately let him decide what he wants but give him time.

 

I bet this has been overwhelming dread and doom. Let the dust settle and move forward.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Hi all,

 

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake.

I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday.

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this.

We are going to counseling on Friday.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

Thank you.

 

P

[Man Mountain Makino]

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

You haven't destroyed his life, most likely, though you probably severely damaged your relationship with him.

 

It's really up to him. Can he work to get past this? Many people do, many people don't.

 

The thing to remember is that when you decided to cheat, there's nothing he could have done about it. Now the decision to stay or leave is up to him, and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Since you're not married, I'd say odds are he will cut his losses and not put in the hard work to restore the relationship. It's all up to him at this point. You have no bargaining position.

[MrMeh]

Won't say too much as I haven't been involved in a situation like this. One thing I will say is that you shouldn't call your affair a "mistake".

 

You didn't trip over a crack on the sidewalk, you had an affair for quite a while. I know it's just semantics, but it does make a difference.

 

Good luck! It's refreshing to see remorse in such a despondent forum category.

[badkarma2013]

Hi all,

 

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake.

I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday.

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this.

We are going to counseling on Friday.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

Thank you.

 

P

 

 

 

 

*******some damage cannot be repaired and some lies and acts of betrayal can never be forgotten..... This is not about YOU you had your chance and passed hundreds Of RED FLAGS before the sex took place in your affair...

YOU CHOSE TO DO IT ANYWAY... NOT A MISTAKE A CHOICE....Did you tell your BF that you were attratched to someone else ..or we have a problem we need to fix this now....NO YOU CHOSE TO HAVE SEX WITH THE OM...THAT IS THE DEFIN ITION A COWARD...Your BF NOW has Plan B for a relationship with you....HE WILL NEVER ( IN HIS MIND) BE NUMBER 1....EVER

 

No my Marriage did not survive!

[jackslife]

Why did you confess now? You said guilt, but two and a half years later after a 2 month fling. It does seem a bit late in the day to feel guilty about it all.

 

There is a school of thought (you won't find it popular on this site) that says in certain circumstances certain affairs shouldn't be admitted to. You've put the misery you felt through guilt on to him (hoping to make yourself feel better), ultimately making him feel bad.

 

However you have done the deed. I agree with the others, now you've confessed it's important not to trickle truth, but be completely honest with him. I assume you don't stay in touch with the AP?

 

Once you confessed you took all the decision making out of your hands. Ultimately he either will or won't forgive you. A strong marriage, with work can survive and end up in reconciliation. However, you aren't married, may be childless and therefore your boyfriends incentives to stay will be a lot less than a man who is married with mortgage and family commitments.

 

Best advice. Hope for the best but prepare for the worse.

[happyman64]

Persofone

 

I read your BF's post and it is very similar to yours.

 

You need to do the following:

 

A. Be 100% honest.

B. Be willing to dig deep and explain why you cheated.

C. Be willing to look at yourself now and tell him what you have learned from this experience that will make him understand why you would never cheat again.

D. Explain to him why you confessed now 2.5 years later.

E. Comfort him because in his mind you cheated on him just last Friday.

 

If you really love him hold on tight. Because his emotions are going to be all over the place.

 

Good Luck

 

HM

[revelations]

Hi all,

 

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

Our relationship was going through a hard time and I made a huge mistake.

I hid this affair and lied to my boyfriend for 2,5 years. I couldn't cope with it and I confessed it on Friday.

He is DEVASTATED. I have destroyed his life and it breaks my heart to see him that way. He doesn't know what he feels or what he wants, everything is very raw. He misses me but the person who sees in front of him is not the same as I used to be.

I feel awful and I cannot cope with the idea of losing him forever. I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him. I thought that confessing and being honest will be the best for our relationship and we would go though this.

We are going to counseling on Friday.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

Thank you.

 

P

 

Okay it is good that you decided not to lie to your boyfriend anymore. Yes by omitting the truth about your affair you were lying. However badkarma2013 is 100% correct in that your boyfriend will never again feel he is number 1 to you. He will also never trust you fully again, however why should he you are proven to be a liar and a cheat. Okay you are not married and did not say if you have kids or not. My best suggestion is to let him go and find someone who is able to love him without cheating on him. You should learn from this and not do it again should you find another sucker, err I mean boyfriend. If your dead set that you have to stay with him and torture him some more then I would suggest giving him a free pass. Tell him his is free to bang other women and he has a 2.5 year time limit on that starting from the first other woman he bangs. Does not sound very fair does it, after all you only banged one other guy. However you lied about it for 2.5 years and kept him in the dark. Do you think you can stay with him knowing he is with other women and your competing against them for the next 2.5 years? That is what you did to him and did not have the courtesy to tell him.

 

However my best advice is to just leave him. Or if that sounds too final for you, just tell him to try and date other women and you will wait for awhile for him to decided if he wants you back in his life. I however strongly suggest just letting him go. Asking him to stay with you is only rubbing salt into the open wound you have made on him.

[elaine567]

I have just confessed an infidelity to my boyfriend of 5 years. Everything happened 2,5 years ago for a period of a couple of months or so.

 

Why did you do this? I am not sure if telling a totally unaware spouse 2.5 years down the line can be viewed as "love".

Salving a guilty conscience maybe, but did you not think what this would do to him?

[No Limit]

Sorry but, what made you stay with your BF for such a long time? You cheated on him for months and now blurt it out years later? Would you consider yourself co-dependant to him? Or him to you?

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi all,

 

I love him and he means everything to me. I cannot live without him.

 

Any advise? Have you every survive an infidelity?

 

 

Well you did a pretty good job living without him for 2 or more months. If things were sour with him then you should have done the right thing and broke up with him and then there wouldn't be any guilt and hurt.

 

Now after 2 1/2 years you come forward and tell him and I can promise you one of the things is that he's been living a lie you gave him and if you think about it, put yourself in his shoes and see if you wouldn't feel the same way. You made a mistake without thinking and no you have to pay the price for it.

 

My advice is to give him a lot of space and don't pester him. You already have one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel.

[lollipopspot]

I think it was a horrible idea to tell him, if he wasn't going to find out. You should have gotten yourself to a counselor to deal with your guilt.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it was a horrible idea to tell him, if he wasn't going to find out.

 

Therein lies the rub. How do you know he's not going to find out?

 

Amongst the many good reasons for a WS to be honest with their BS about an affair is that they're giving them an equal chance to make an informed decision about life and marriage.

 

Treating them any differently implies such contempt that it questions why you'd want to remain married to them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[lollipopspot]

Therein lies the rub. How do you know he's not going to find out?

 

It depends on the situation and how many other people know. I believe that most infidelity is not discovered, so I don't think it's all that hard for people to cover up and move on from a 2 month affair, years ago, without having a revelation out of the blue.

[lollipopspot]

Amongst the many good reasons for a WS to be honest with their BS about an affair is that they're giving them an equal chance to make an informed decision about life and marriage.

 

Treating them any differently implies such contempt that it questions why you'd want to remain married to them...

 

I've never cheated. But I have been cheated on. I'm not sure that I'd want to be told, if I was happy in my marriage (and especially if I had young children), if the affair happened years ago, was short term, and my partner had a lot of guilt and made efforts to be a better partner and to make sure that it didn't happen again.

 

There's serial cheating, and then there's someone doing something out of character, deeply regretting it, correcting themselves within a relatively short period of time, and trying to ensure that they never do such a thing again. If this person meets that last criteria I can't say for certain, but some affairs I'm not convinced should be revealed.

Edited November 18, 2014 by lollipopspot

[Mr. Lucky]

It depends on the situation and how many other people know.

 

I'm pretty sure at least one other person knows.

 

Old Chinese expression - two people can keep a secret as long as one of them is dead...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Quiet Storm]

I am glad you finally decided to tell him. If your goal in your relationship is true intimacy- and not just staying together- then you had to confess. A secret that big breaks the connection between a couple, even if one party is unaware. So even if it's over, you did the right thing.

 

Actions are so much more important than words, and your actions need to reflect your promise to be faithful. Be introspective. Why did you make that choice, over any other option? This needs to be explored through therapy. If you avoid conflict, if you have validation or self worth issues, if you have poor coping skills- you can learn to recognize your weaknesses and recognize what makes you weak. By acknowledging harsh truths about ourselves, - we can learn how to protect ourselves, from ourselves.

 

Love isn't just a feeling- it's an action. He likely feels like you must not really love him, in order to do this. And no matter how many times you tell him, he needs to feel like you love him. And he needs to see that you are capable of loving anyone, in a healthy way. Figure out why you chose to cheat, in spite of your love for him.

 

Self awareness and learning what led to your choices goes beyond telling him I'm sorry and will never do it again. It says I'm sorry I did this. I made this choice because of my issues and this is how I know I'll never cheat again...... And be totally transparent about everything.

 

He may still choose to walk away, but you will then have gained invaluable insight about yourself. Life is a journey. You will be OK.

[drifter777]

You are not married; you don't have kids together - why put yourself through all of the drama of this? Do him a favor and break up with him. If you don't you are just wasting your time as well as his because he will never really get past this. He will have images in his mind of you and the other guy having sex. He will never truly trust you again. And finally, one of you will get sick of trying to repair something that ain't going to be repaired and walk away. Save all of that and end it now.

[Quiet Storm]

can learn to recognize your weaknesses and recognize what makes you weak.

 

 

I tried to fix this line of my post but it was too late to edit. What I meant to say was....you can learn to recognize your weaknesses and the circumstances that make you feel weak.

 

Also, I wanted to add that if you do stay together, don't marry or have kids with him for a long time. He could forgive you, but resentment could build if he hasn't really coped with it. You don't want to bring kids into a situation that isn't stable. It could take years before you know if the relationship will survive.

[HereNorThere]

Honestly, most men don't recover until they find a new faithful partner. There's the occasional desperate guy out there who knows they can't do better, but other than that, you're basically just torturing him with your presence.

 

If you love him, let him be with a good person. Keeping him around so you can twist the knife a little deeper is selfish.