purplesorrow Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 We have both changed too much for me too stay. His affair broke him more than it did me. He is just a shell of a man. No longer confident not strong. He needs to keep finding who he wants to be. He is mistaking rejection for feelings of love, I do think one mimmics the other. He misses how we were, how I was. I know it will never be the same connection. I'm not attracted to him. I'm ready to move forward with my life. He always mentions this is his biggest fear so I think he has felt this outcome all along. I never asked him to move back home. I hope we will continue to co parent the way we do now. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I hear you Loud and Clear with this. Towards My end I felt I was having to help him get past His regret and remorse for cheating on his family and me, the best thing that's ever happened to him. I said it before, I couldn't continue living with HIS remorse and regret. I'm over it and ready to start fresh. Not getting sex in 3 weeks now sucks but hey, it could be worr... Nope. I'm NOT going to say it! Be well and strong sweetheart, good things are ahead. A whole new adventure ** CiH 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Seems like there's a lot of that going on around here lately. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think in some cases, the BS just eventually gets strong enough to leave. I Think it really can take a good long while before it really sinks in for a BS that the affair really was about a personal problem with the wayward and not a marital problem. At the beginning, for so many people there's this sense of self-blame. But I think as time goes on, we realize more and more that it was just about them. And yeah, it makes them less attractive. I had to spend some time with my ex yesterday for a parent/teacher conference and just looking at her, I wondered why I'd ever want to be with her. No thanks. I also think that for some BSs, the while thing just causes such a dark cloud over everything that it's just not enjoyable anymore. The pros for leaving simply outweigh the cons. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 We have both changed too much for me too stay. His affair broke him more than it did me. He is just a shell of a man. No longer confident not strong. He needs to keep finding who he wants to be. He is mistaking rejection for feelings of love, I do think one mimmics the other. He misses how we were, how I was. I know it will never be the same connection. I'm not attracted to him. I'm ready to move forward with my life. He always mentions this is his biggest fear so I think he has felt this outcome all along. I never asked him to move back home. I hope we will continue to co parent the way we do now. Yep, I can relate to a lot of this. I'm still attracted to my H and love him dearly. However, he is a shell of a man just like you mention. His A did something to him on a very deep level--I don't think he even realizes it and I didn't fully realize it myself for years. I'm sorry things didn't work out for your and your husband purple sorrow, but you sound really strong in your posts-this strength will carry you forward to do what you need to do-whatever that is! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesorrow Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Seems like there's a lot of that going on around here lately. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think in some cases, the BS just eventually gets strong enough to leave. I Think it really can take a good long while before it really sinks in for a BS that the affair really was about a personal problem with the wayward and not a marital problem. At the beginning, for so many people there's this sense of self-blame. But I think as time goes on, we realize more and more that it was just about them. And yeah, it makes them less attractive. I had to spend some time with my ex yesterday for a parent/teacher conference and just looking at her, I wondered why I'd ever want to be with her. No thanks. I also think that for some BSs, the while thing just causes such a dark cloud over everything that it's just not enjoyable anymore. The pros for leaving simply outweigh the cons. I honestly don't think I ever had the strength to stay. I can't say that my effort to do so was all that grand. I wanted him to do the heavy lifting before I got on board. He did the lifting I just never really joined him truly. Such is life. He keeps saying he is living 'not realizing what one had until they lost it'. Very sad, I thought I would grow old with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 purplesorrow, I completely understand. When I started the reconciliation process with my WW, I assumed that it would be all about me and my healing. Well, I've recovered quite nicely and have really gotten to a point of peace and acceptance with regards to the affair, and truly forgiven my WW. Unfortunately, my WW does not appear to be able to forgive herself and seems to be burdened by perpetual feelings of guilt, regret and sorrow. I'm trying to be patient, but it is very annoying when as the victim in this I'm ready to forgive and move forward, but the transgressor cannot. I want us to be happy, fun and care-free again, but like your husband, my wife appears to be a permanently broken person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesorrow Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 purplesorrow, I completely understand. When I started the reconciliation process with my WW, I assumed that it would be all about me and my healing. Well, I've recovered quite nicely and have really gotten to a point of peace and acceptance with regards to the affair, and truly forgiven my WW. Unfortunately, my WW does not appear to be able to forgive herself and seems to be burdened by perpetual feelings of guilt, regret and sorrow. I'm trying to be patient, but it is very annoying when as the victim in this I'm ready to forgive and move forward, but the transgressor cannot. I want us to be happy, fun and care-free again, but like your husband, my wife appears to be a permanently broken person. This is it exactly! It was too much to wallow in. I did a lot to forgive and move forward. He could enter a room and quickly change the climate. It would go from light and airy and fun to blah. He wouldn't go on meds for depression so I just got tired of waiting for any sign of life in him. Link to post Share on other sites
badkarma2013 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 purplesorrow, I completely understand. When I started the reconciliation process with my WW, I assumed that it would be all about me and my healing. Well, I've recovered quite nicely and have really gotten to a point of peace and acceptance with regards to the affair, and truly forgiven my WW. Unfortunately, my WW does not appear to be able to forgive herself and seems to be burdened by perpetual feelings of guilt, regret and sorrow. I'm trying to be patient, but it is very annoying when as the victim in this I'm ready to forgive and move forward, but the transgressor cannot. I want us to be happy, fun and care-free again, but like your husband, my wife appears to be a permanently broken person. I am sorry for all of us wounded here...I think this maybe a sideways view of this thread... I had read that 80% +- of BH file for D 3-5 yrs after D-DAY...In doing further research ...according to the Acadamey of Trial Lawyers 70% of all Ds filed in the last 36-48 months were filed by women.. Do you think its is that the WW wants the marriage over....or Truly the BH cannot get over the A.. Pls let me hear from all. TO PURPLESORROW.....I honestly believe the FALLOUT from the A ..WW or WH..is so DEVASTATING that most CANNOT RECOVER... I could not.. Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Let me expand a little on the problem with a WS that won't forgive themselves. As I mentioned, in my case I've forgiven my WW. But because she hasn't forgiven herself, it makes it very difficult for her to believe that I have forgiven her. It also makes her doubt that I love her--no matter how much I do to show it. After all, if she doesn't love herself how could anyone else love her an especially how could the person that she hurt so bad love her. So because she doubts my forgiveness and love, she is in this constant state of paranoia that I'm going to leave at any time, that I'm just playing her, or that I'm going to try to get revenge against her somehow. I'm in a no win situation--if I shower her with love and affection it causes her to feel guilty and also question my motivations and sincerity. If I don't shower her with love and affection, then she complains that I really don't love her. The whole affair thing just casts such a huge cloud over the relationship that it seems hopeless a lot of the time. I do fantasize how nice it would be to just start fresh with a new person without all this bad history looming over us. Link to post Share on other sites
excusememister Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I Think it really can take a good long while before it really sinks in for a BS that the affair really was about a personal problem with the wayward and not a marital problem. I'm throwing in the towel as well. I gave it 9-months until I realized (or accepted) I could never forgive my WH. As BetrayedH wrote in another post, "without forgiveness, there is no reconciliation". I will never be able to get over the A. My WH was broken to begin with; he had to be to carry on a 9-year affair. When I discovered the A and all of the madness,this broke him even more. He is just a shell of a man; constantly running behind me; waiting on me hand and foot; trying to do everything right by me...but it's too late. I was no longer attracted to him; I lost all respect for him. In August, I pulled the plug and told him it was over. It's scary - I really thought I was going to be married to him for the rest of my life. Funny thing about the wedding vows; "til death do us part"... his A was the death that did us part! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
excusememister Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I know it will never be the same connection. I'm not attracted to him. I'm ready to move forward with my life. Ditto, purplesorrow! Link to post Share on other sites
flowergirl14 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Everyone of you are very brave! Im still holding on..hoping he's changed and seeing evidence that he hasnt. ...Congratulations on a new and better life! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Not an unusual feeling after such and experience. Hope things turn around as you move forward. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jm2013 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Good luck Purple. I'm in kind of a blah mode as well. I have also found myself finding my wife less attractive as days tick by. It's not that I don't find her physically attractive but there are new feelings coming to me that just finds this whole mess more and more unattractive. I do not know if these feelings get worse or just go away with time. It also sounds like there's a common theme here. The WWS does everything they can. My wife has been going out of her way to accommodate me. I have told her to stop. It all feels fake. It doesn't feel natural in any way. Do you both live together or did you split residency when you found out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesorrow Posted October 30, 2014 Author Share Posted October 30, 2014 Good luck Purple. I'm in kind of a blah mode as well. I have also found myself finding my wife less attractive as days tick by. It's not that I don't find her physically attractive but there are new feelings coming to me that just finds this whole mess more and more unattractive. I do not know if these feelings get worse or just go away with time. It also sounds like there's a common theme here. The WWS does everything they can. My wife has been going out of her way to accommodate me. I have told her to stop. It all feels fake. It doesn't feel natural in any way. Do you both live together or did you split residency when you found out? I asked him to move out a month or two after our dday. So over a year and a half now. He really is working hard but I just feel nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
pfft Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) jm2013's description is spot on for me as well. I feel blah. I have never regained that original love I had. The sad thing is WW has done everything perfectly and I know that, minus the A, most people would crave the relationship I have. However we both know that it will never be the same. I am so frustrated because we laugh, we hangout, we talk about so many things together, but though it all there is a thin film of sadness on it all. She senses it and it makes her feel horrible. I am indirectly inhibiting her healing as well. She has said it is so hard to forgive yourself when you constantly see the pain and sadness you caused. My advice - Never ever have an affair. You cannot actually fathom the damage you will cause or measure it after you have. Edited November 1, 2014 by pfft significant typo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Affairs don't make a partner attractive. And when the effects of the affair sink into the WS as well whatever things may go for them (like oh but I spent so much time with him, and all those greaat memories blah blah) loose their appeal to. You tried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesorrow Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 jm2013's description is spot on for me as well. I feel blah. I have never regained that original love I had. The sad thing is WW has done everything perfectly and I know that, minus the A, most people would crave the relationship I have. However we both know that it will never be the same. I am so frustrated because we laugh, we hangout, we talk about so many things together, but though it all there is a thin film of sadness on it all. She senses it and it makes her feel horrible. I am indirectly inhibiting her healing as well. She has said it is so hard to forgive yourself when you constantly see the pain and sadness you caused. My advice - Never ever have an affair. You cannot actually fathom the damage you will cause or measure it after you have. It is frustrating. My therapist friend says it's a stage and don't give up yet. He says I'm still mourning and yearning what was instead of opening up to how it can be different but better. I somewhat agree, I do miss what was 'normal' for us. Something's just feel so awkward now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pfft Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 It is frustrating. My therapist friend says it's a stage and don't give up yet. He says I'm still mourning and yearning what was instead of opening up to how it can be different but better. I somewhat agree, I do miss what was 'normal' for us. Something's just feel so awkward now. I get the awkward part totally. I also would say irony plays a large part too. Like how my sadness is often generated in the actual moment in time when I realize/become aware that I actually wasnt feeling sad for once. I dont know if that makes any sense but it happens to me more and more. I tell myself that at least I am having moments were I feel normal again. Progress, I suppose is the term I should use. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purplesorrow Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 It makes perfect sense and is great progress. Hopefully, there will come a day when feeling happy is the norm. Your good days will start to outweigh the bad ones. It does make me appreciate those moments more than I used to. I wish you peace on your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
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