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I remember reading on here once that a person was saying that in reconciliation, she and her husband "rememorized" everything that he had done with the OW. In other words, they went to the same hotels, did the same activities and such as a way to make those memories their own instead of him having those memories of the OW for those places.

 

It's something that has stuck in my head since. I'm wondering how many people actually do this? Is this a normal thing to do?

 

Part of the reason why I'm asking is because my ex and his OW are going through and doing EVERYTHING he and I used to do together. It's sort of the same thing but twisted the other way. Instead of he and I reclaiming things together, he's replacing every memory he had of me with her.

 

He has taken her to EVERY single place that was special to he and I and made sure I knew about it. This has been going on for the past year since we split up. Every vacation spot, every activity, every campsite, I mean EVERYTHING. Most recently it came to my attention that he gave her my .22 to use (the one he told me he sold so he could move out of living with me) and took her to the rifle range we used to go to. It's actually quite frightening to me that she has a gun in her hands considering how crazy she is but it's even more disgusting to think that he has no problem with giving her my things or that she isn't disgusted by that. Then again, who am I kidding, this is the same two people who slept together in my bed while they were having the affair.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter, but yet it makes me feel like he's going out of his way to replace every memory he had of me with her. It's painful on my end (somewhat) but really it just confuses me. Why not just go and make their own memories? Why feel the need to replace me in the first place? Isn't it bad enough that he replaced me with a younger woman? Why does HE need to replace his memories of ME? What did I do? I know you all can't answer THAT question, but it's the questions I ask myself.

 

Anyways, just looking for some feedback on what you all think of this. Is this normal behavior for those who are reconciling and/or for those who cheated and then left the relationship to be with their OW/OM?

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Hugs, Raena.

It all sounds a little grotesque to me, and that he feels compelled to tell you about it is just mean/cruel at this point. I can understand how it feels hurtful.

Perhaps she is the one forcing the issue? Or they both just have seriously warped ideas of how to move their own relationship forward in positive ways.

What did I do? I know you all can't answer THAT question, but it's the questions I ask myself.

You cannot allow yourself to entertain, even for a moment, the notion that YOU have anything at all to do with their seriously warped and strange ideas for how to build their own good relationship.

 

I feel pretty confident in saying: You did not do anything to cause them to act like this...even if their motive is "against" you, you still didn't do anything to cause them to be just plain mean/cruel.

You also, I very much doubt, did anything to deserve their meanness/cruelty. All crap like that is all on them; their own lack of 'inner light' or 'positive vibes' or 'healthy emotions'. (Or all of the above?) It's all on them and what they've got going on inside of them.

 

I'm sorry you're being put through it. Wishing you brighter days ahead...soon!

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((Hugs)) Raena*

Now pay close attention because I'm not really supposed to be over here right now (it's my own thing;) ) but this is important.

 

The reason your exH is doing all this twisted stuff THEN telling you is because he is a........ JACKHOLE!!!

And for the OW to go along with numbnuts means she's :bunny::bunny::bunny: too.

 

You find solace in this Truth immediately. Because seriously, for any normal, sane person to hear what they're doing would firmly take the same stance, they're nuts.

CiH*

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As someone who stayed with WS, i specifically asked for us (her) to avoid any places she went with him or her ex's. Worked hard to create our own places/themes.

 

However, I have tried occasionally to be the bigger person. Irish pubs/muisc (and sailing) was a part her time with OM and in general her pre-me wild time. Over the years I have occasionally taken her to irish pubs, irish music festivals, and to a bar next to a sailing club. However, I dont do this much anymore if at all, because I could tell there was no way for me to step into this powerful places, I could tell she remembered him and even her past wild single life while we are there - and I resent it. Also strangely I thought perhaps going to these places would "rev her up" sexually for me, and they generally do not, although she seems happy to be there. We live in major metropolitan area, with many things to do, many things that are me (us) and so I stick to those. I prefer that ex's (her or mine) and the places and things they did and shared go very very dim and distant.

 

You ex husband sounds like a narcissist. I wonder if his OW knows all the things/places he is doing with her - were yours. Very sick and strange. Unless he takes the view those things/places were "all his" and you were just along for the ride at the time.

Edited by dichotomy
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As someone who stayed with WS, i specifically asked for us (her) to avoid any places she went with him or her ex's. Worked hard to create our own places/themes.

 

However, I have tried occasionally to be the bigger person. Irish pubs/muisc (and sailing) was a part her time with OM and in general her pre-me wild time. Over the years I have occasionally taken her to irish pubs, irish music festivals, and to a bar next to a sailing club. However, I dont do this much anymore if at all, because I could tell there was no way for me to step into this powerful places, I could tell she remembered him and even her past wild single life while we are there - and I resent it. Also strangely I thought perhaps going to these places would "rev her up" sexually for me, and they generally do not, although she seems happy to be there. We live in major metropolitan area, with many things to do, many things that are me (us) and so I stick to those. I prefer that ex's (her or mine) and the places and things they did and shared go very very dim and distant.

 

You ex husband sounds like a narcissist. I wonder if his OW knows all the things/places he is doing with her - were yours. Very sick and strange. Unless he takes the view those things/places were "all his" and you were just along for the ride at the time.

 

Interesting point of view (bolded). You know, that might be exactly the reason why. He is, after all, very narcissistic and that could be precisely his line of thinking.

 

11 years together and everything we did was always about HIM and what HE wanted to do. Wow, that almost makes perfect sense actually. Maybe that is what he was thinking all along. I wasn't really anything special to him, it could have been ANY woman. It explains why it really isn't that big of a deal to him to take her to the same places and do the same activities. He's just doing what he's always done, with a newer version by his side. Making sure I know about it is something they both have done, so they are both very screwed up individuals. For her, I bet it's like a dog marking their territory. She's covering up my scent and making sure I know about it.

 

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse!

 

Certainly makes me feel disgusted.

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Your husband is obviously a jack ass, but maybe he is trying in his own warped way to validate his choice by going to the same places and telling himself it is now better by comparison. Who knows how they think? Not clearly or the situation would not be what it is.

You should try to concentrate on yourself and rebuilding your emotional self to where you do not give ansuitbabiutnthis any more or why he does anything. It takes time but it will get better

Strength to you

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I would post a long and eloquent post describing in detail what i think of your 'man', Raena.

 

But i'd end up getting yet another "knock it off!" PM from the mods. :rolleyes:

 

Suffice to say, it's clear who is walking away from this epic fail as the better person.

 

(hint, ITS YOU!)

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Interesting point of view (bolded). You know, that might be exactly the reason why. He is, after all, very narcissistic and that could be precisely his line of thinking.

 

11 years together and everything we did was always about HIM and what HE wanted to do. Wow, that almost makes perfect sense actually. Maybe that is what he was thinking all along. I wasn't really anything special to him, it could have been ANY woman. It explains why it really isn't that big of a deal to him to take her to the same places and do the same activities. He's just doing what he's always done, with a newer version by his side. Making sure I know about it is something they both have done, so they are both very screwed up individuals. For her, I bet it's like a dog marking their territory. She's covering up my scent and making sure I know about it.

 

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse!

 

Certainly makes me feel disgusted.

 

I think you're right on the money about both of them here ^^^. He's got NPD and for too many women, there's this bizarre competition thing. She wants to feel like she's winning and probably prompts him to say these things to you, which further feeds his ego (as if he's the prize). What they don't understand is that the game is over. You've already won and as it turns out, you are the prize.

 

The other thing is...some people can only rise above things by stepping on someone else's head.

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gettingstronger

I have no idea how such a wonderful person as you got mixed up in such a horrible situation- you seem so nice and grounded- is your ex on drugs?

 

Anyway- I specifically avoid places they were- it limits us which just show how much he allowed the A to intrude in to our lives and how wrong he was- he tried to get pouty about it one time and I was like- you brought this on YOU!- no more pouting after that-

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Well, i cannot yell you how many many times i have posted i avoid my guy's ex like the plague, this includes places they considered 'special' at the time. Howevet, since her friends see us out or she stalks my social media, there are lots of emails to him saying 'You can afford to (insert

outing), but we never did that'. Etc. So, i guess it can go both ways. The way for you to look at it is he has no imagination and she does not care. She is just a seat filler, imo.

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Why not just go and make their own memories? Why feel the need to replace me in the first place? Isn't it bad enough that he replaced me with a younger woman? Why does HE need to replace his memories of ME? What did I do?

 

It sounds to me like they don't have much of a foundation of their own, so they've anchored to his past in an effort to make one. The goal for rationale human beings in a situation like this - after paths are chosen - should be to move on, either in R or separately after D. These two people have an issue, though, and it's not a reflection on you. At least not a negative one, IMO.

 

My WW's A really only took place in the OMs apartment, maybe a few places for dinner. And I feel no need to try to do what he did with her, take her places in his neighborhood, etc. I actually try to avoid it. Even speaking Spanish with my W is sometimes difficult. (The OM was Latin, and "being Latin made a difference.") He did try to come to our house during the A, but his request(via email) is actually how I found out. That's when I REALLY felt like I was trying to be replaced. But here's what really got me through it, and I think it applies to you as well, Raena: He could do everything in his power to try to replace me as her lover, her friend, maybe eventually as her H. But he couldn't replace what I had with our son. At this point, your relationship with your ex matters little in comparison to what you have as the mother of your child. And given how he's acted, I don't think the same can be said about him as a father. I'm sure you will find someone new to make your own memories with, and you'll look back on this someday, shake your head and laugh.

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that's sounds completely insane and disgusting to me,im so sorry you are going through this crap.

and to answer your question,no I would never want to go or do anything that he did with xow,but she wanted to do stuff I like to do,she was in a one sided competition with me,but luckily she lives on opposite coast so shes never been here so its safe I can go anywhere

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I am sorry Raena for the loss you have experienced. This concept of "rememorizing" is not something that I have personally ever heard of. I have been involved in marital counseling of some form for years. The truth of the matter is that the entire concept is really just "mental gymnastics" anyway. Just because you go and do things in the same places that you did them with another person in no way erases the prior memories! Honestly, it is ridiculous at it's very core. The good news is that every single day is a new gift that allows the creation of "new memories." I pray that you find peace and joy and true happiness as you move forward. Blessings!

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I have heard of this happening, if the BS wants to "reclaim" these places and acts, but never the other way around.

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I have heard of this happening, if the BS wants to "reclaim" these places and acts, but never the other way around.

 

We live in a tiny village. It is inevitable that we will go to many of the places he went with his xW, but there have been places he avoided because to him they were tainted with memories of her. After several years, I thought it was silly to have "no go" areas which we might otherwise have enjoyed, were it not for the association, and so we have progressively exorcised the bad memories those places held for him by going to them and doing our own thing. Isn't that the basis of CBT, too?

 

But in Raena's case, where the memories would not have been traumatic too him, why would he need to "reclaim" the spaces? And, for his SO, unless she was insecure, why would she need to "make them hers"?

 

I suspect they're doing it to provoke. - which suggests he's not over Raena, and his SO doesn't yet feel secure in her role. By responding - even inwardly - Raena gives them the response they're so desperate for.

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I am sorry Raena for the loss you have experienced. This concept of "rememorizing" is not something that I have personally ever heard of. I have been involved in marital counseling of some form for years. The truth of the matter is that the entire concept is really just "mental gymnastics" anyway. Just because you go and do things in the same places that you did them with another person in no way erases the prior memories! Honestly, it is ridiculous at it's very core. The good news is that every single day is a new gift that allows the creation of "new memories." I pray that you find peace and joy and true happiness as you move forward. Blessings!

I still haven't figured out whether it is better for me personally to avoid certain places and things connected with the affair that are triggers or if I should confront those things head on and just learn to deal with it. You are right, though, that's it's all about mental gymnastics.

 

I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it's better to confront the trigger-causing places and things and deal with it directly, instead of avoiding the problem. For example, I had a favorite band whose music I introduced to my wife and eventually won her over as a big fan too. Well, naturally when she started her affair she introduced AP to the band. The band became their favorite band and one of its songs (which happened to be my favorite) was "their song." So for a long time I couldn't listen to that band's music at all because it immediately triggered me. But I finally decided that I shouldn't allow what happened in the affair to force me to give up something I enjoyed. So I stared listening to the music again and just trained my mind to cope with it.

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I remember reading on here once that a person was saying that in reconciliation, she and her husband "rememorized" everything that he had done with the OW. In other words, they went to the same hotels, did the same activities and such as a way to make those memories their own instead of him having those memories of the OW for those places.

 

It's something that has stuck in my head since. I'm wondering how many people actually do this? Is this a normal thing to do?

 

Part of the reason why I'm asking is because my ex and his OW are going through and doing EVERYTHING he and I used to do together. It's sort of the same thing but twisted the other way. Instead of he and I reclaiming things together, he's replacing every memory he had of me with her.

 

He has taken her to EVERY single place that was special to he and I and made sure I knew about it. This has been going on for the past year since we split up. Every vacation spot, every activity, every campsite, I mean EVERYTHING. Most recently it came to my attention that he gave her my .22 to use (the one he told me he sold so he could move out of living with me) and took her to the rifle range we used to go to. It's actually quite frightening to me that she has a gun in her hands considering how crazy she is but it's even more disgusting to think that he has no problem with giving her my things or that she isn't disgusted by that. Then again, who am I kidding, this is the same two people who slept together in my bed while they were having the affair.

 

In the end, it doesn't really matter, but yet it makes me feel like he's going out of his way to replace every memory he had of me with her. It's painful on my end (somewhat) but really it just confuses me. Why not just go and make their own memories? Why feel the need to replace me in the first place? Isn't it bad enough that he replaced me with a younger woman? Why does HE need to replace his memories of ME? What did I do? I know you all can't answer THAT question, but it's the questions I ask myself.

 

Anyways, just looking for some feedback on what you all think of this. Is this normal behavior for those who are reconciling and/or for those who cheated and then left the relationship to be with their OW/OM?

 

It sounds awfully petty of him. I mean, if he is building this relationship around making sure you know he is giving her your stuff or going to places you all went to, then it doesn't seem like it's about genuinely being together and creating memories but some kind of childish game where he is trying to use her to stick it you....and for me if I were her I'd refuse it, as I'd not want to live in the shadow of a man's ex where every time we did something it was something they did and where he's gonna make sure his ex knows. That to me is completely juvenile and means he clearly has a ton of unresolved issues with his ex, as people over their exes and ready to date again have no need to constantly disparage the ex or make things about consciously sticking it to them.

 

I wouldn't accept anything from a man I knew once belonged to his ex likewise I can't fathom trying to pawn off an ex-boyfriend's stuff on a new man.

 

In reconciliation I sort of understand the logic, in the sense that, you are going back to someone. You had an affair and are going back to them so ideas of reclaiming in a reconciliation make more sense logically. But in a new relationship, there isn't anything to go back to or "reclaim", it's new...so it's supposed to be about forming new memories not rummaging through you and you ex's old life to do what you once did with the new person. The fact he's consciously having to try to erase you supposedly through this shows exactly how much he hasn't moved past stuff. In normal breakups I don't think most people consciously try to take their new SO to places they went with their ex and make a show of it...those who do are those clearly still having revenge fantasies or still not over it and are sticking it to their ex or trying to make them jealous or something and this new person is a pawn in that game. It's a disservice to the new person. For people who've genuinely moved on with a new person, you may go to a place you went with your ex, but it's not a conscious plan of erasing the ex through doing it. They're already not in your heart in that way and you probably don't even think about it.

 

I'm not a BS but my instinct is to say I wouldn't want to reclaim anything. If you went to certain places with the OW and we're reconciling, esp if those places are places I've not been to, I wouldn't want to go there now just for the sake of reclaiming. Unless it's a place I wanted to go to anyway. I wouldn't want to consciously go to places you all went to to erase it...it actually makes no sense because going to a place with the intent to erase means that I have to consciously have it in mind that you and OW went here, you and OW did this, so it's not even erasing really but making me think of it more. I think reclaiming is more so about creating new memories organically which are not tied to the OW, that would be my preference. But trying to build memories on the back of your ex in his case is insane or to rebuild on the premise of consciously trying to erase the OW/OM by going to the same place seems misguided IMO.

Edited by MissBee
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I remember reading on here once that a person was saying that in reconciliation, she and her husband "rememorized" everything that he had done with the OW. In other words, they went to the same hotels, did the same activities and such as a way to make those memories their own instead of him having those memories of the OW for those places.

 

It's something that has stuck in my head since. I'm wondering how many people actually do this? Is this a normal thing to do?

 

I tried doing that with my WW. There were just SO MANY places they went and things the did during their LTA (8 years EA + 3.5 year EA-PA).

 

I just could NOT do it. The ICK and CREEPY factors were just too much for me. In the end we moved house, and actually moved 1500 miles away from affair-ville.

 

Our children and grand children are still living in affair-ville so we have to travel out there at least a couple times a year. While there I refuse to go anywhere WW and OM went.

 

When we go to favorite places (not talking sex places) I get this feeling WW is reminiscing about her OM.. WW says this is not true though, but I still can't get it out of my head. So now I have a boundary - I will not go with her to those places, and if she goes alone I will divorce her.

 

WW thinks this is unfair - those are nice, scenic, and fun places. But I will not budge. I think that I'm not asking for much after what she did, giving up going to these places is nothing compared to what I've had to give up.

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If it were me and I were trying to reconcile with someone who had cheated I wouldn't want to go to the places they went together to either. I'd be spending the whole time thinking about the OW and thinking that my SO was thinking about her too. I just wouldn't be able to do it. It would ruin my day/night to have to spend time thinking about them being together there.

 

I sort of understand it though. Not necessarily this exact scenario painted above. I get the idea of want to sort of "reimage" a special place if it held painful memories I guess. I don't know though.

 

Thinking about it, I sort of did something like this myself this past summer. I went back to the place where I used to live, with him, to visit my best friend. She and I ended up going to the bar where my ex and I met and then went to the ocean. While I was at both places, I for sure thought of him. The last time I was in either of those places was with him. I didn't bring some new boyfriend there with me but if I had a date, I wouldn't stay away from those places just because they held memories of the ex. I don't live there anymore but my best friend does and if I go to see her, I'm going to want to go to those places. They aren't just memories I had with him though. I had tons of other memories from the same places as well. My best friend and I actually talked about this while I was there though. She agreed that I needed to "exorcise the demon" from those places so to speak.

 

In that respect, I don't think it is the same thing. I didn't purposely bring a new man to those places to replace the memories. I just went and did what I always used to do when I lived there.

 

I suppose I could say the same for my ex. If it had happened once or twice then it would make sense to me but that isn't what has happened when I look at the big picture. Anything we did together, he has done with her except for one trip to meet his family. EVERY day trip, vacation, store, restaurant, amusement park, hiking trails, etc. It's obvious that he's taking her to those places on purpose. There are tons of other activities they could be doing together but he chooses to take her to do the very same things he and I used to do.

 

Generally speaking though, not just about him... there does seem to be some logic to the idea of this... for those who are reconciling maybe.... but not for someone in his shoes... the cheater who got kicked out for cheating and ended up with the OW (by default because I can guarantee you that if I told him I didn't want to split up our family over what he did, we'd still be together)

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