almost a year since D day

[nabelp]

Its been almost a year since that dreaded day when I found out about an affair my wife had 13 years prior to me finding out. It hurt like it happened yesterday and its something I never thought I would go through because it was something that I never thought my wife was possible of doing.

I decided early on after finding out that I would stay in my marriage and make it better then it ever was. The first few months were brutal then things got better. Now here I am, almost a year later and for the past couple of months I have been a wreck. I have been hung up on her affair. I have always believed I never got the full truth.

So the last month I have been asking my wife some of the same questions I asked months ago and now I am getting different answers. Most of them are minor but some are major discrepancies.

I get the fact that she wants to block it out of her head and move forward. She has told me that and she has changed for the good and has become a better wife and lover. She is doing everything right since I found out and is trying real hard too. However, I tell her that its hard for me to move forward if I still believe she is lying to me. I know in my heart she is still lying about her affair. I will never have closure as long as I dont believe her.

Her affair has haunted me and sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice in staying.

I remember thinking a year ago that I couldnt wait for a year to go by so I would be through this. Here I am though, still feeling inadequate, insecure, non trusting and taken advantage of. It still makes me very angry or very sad when I think about certain things. I just wonder if I'll ever get over this. Sometimes I doubt I will.

What do I say or do to my wife to make her understand that I need the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Some of her "facts" about the affair makes no sense. I am a firm believer that if it doesnt make sense then its not true. What if she really is telling me the truth though? How do I stop the hate and believe it?

Things are just so messed up in my head. One minute I can be fine and then in an instant I can be irritable.

[BetrayedH]

Have you read the thread for waywards that's pinned at the top of the forum?

[gettingstronger]

I think in time they remember and see things differently. Since they never intended on getting caught, they didn't take note of the details. Their life at that time was one lie after another. Coming clean and facing what they were capable of os tough stuff. I don't think they intentionally lie about small painful

details , I think they rewrite them in their heads so they can cope with the person they were and now feel so awful about being.

[merrmeade]

I think in time they remember and see things differently. Since they never intended on getting caught, they didn't take note of the details. Their life at that time was one lie after another. Coming clean and facing what they were capable of is tough stuff. I don't think they intentionally lie about small painful details , I think they rewrite them in their heads so they can cope with the person they were and now feel so awful about being.

Wow, that is really good, GS. It always feels like he just doesn't want to answer, which he doesn't, but this is the most logical explanation I've ever read that makes all the things he says make sense together - I've put it out of my head, I don't think about it any more and don't want to. - (as if I enjoy it) and when I tried to nail him down on dates, even chronological order or relationship of events, he really tried but had a hard time, almost couldn't do it.

 

I think one thing I'd add to that is that - in my H's case - it makes him so uncomfortable, going instantly to extremes of negative emotions that are almost irrationa. The reason I now understand is because it's torture for him to remember and talk about it and since I'm inflicting this torture, he seems to think - or used to - that I must want him to suffer.

 

I've learned how to talk the talk beforehand and help him focus on me. It's hard but necessary and takes a long time to work into it. I have to explain everything every time - how and why it hurt me, how I understand what it did or did not mean to him, how ashamed he genuinely feels and why only he can help me work through what I have to wortk through. I always remind him that I do not want to start over with another man; I want him to become a better man and us, a better couple. Then, I keep my questions short and few each time. I keep my voice calm and treat it as plain information. I deal with the reactions in MC. So nowadays the negative emotions are pretty much under control.

 

Oh, very important, I always have to re-explain why I have to know everything which, for me, is because I need to reown my history and edit my memories. He doesn't get this part. It's the hardest to explain and to get for him.

 

Don't let her off the hook and get a therapist that knows how to make both of you talk to each other so you're listening and nobody hides.

Edited September 25, 2014 by merrmeade

[drifter777]

Cheaters lie and minimize about the details simply because they are afraid their BS will end the marriage if they know some of the more nasty, disgusting details. You want to know major facts about the sex, how long they were seeing each other, where they did it - the kinds of things that are important to a BS. She knows the answers to all of these questions and plans to take those answers to her grave. She will tell you only what she thinks you can accurately verify or throw you a fact here and there to shut you up. You can get more out of her if you start divorce proceedings and tell her its because you can't begin to live with what she did if she won't even tell you the whole truth. She might give you more out of fear but only as much as she thinks will placate you. At least its a start.

 

You need to understand that you never processed her betrayal last year. Your decision to stay and fix the marriage was just your desperate attempt to stop the pain and put this whole terrible, disgusting mess behind you. You were in denial in that you refused to really look at how her cheating affected you and your marriage. You hoped that time would heal - but time has done nothing but allow the pain to fester in your heart. Now its time to do something about all this. You need to start working on your own, personal recovery from her betrayal. And you need to start now because time isn't going to stop and wait for you to process all of this. You can't hide from it anymore.

 

I advise every betrayed husband to divorce his cheating wife. What you and your wife had before d-day is gone forever. You will never look at her the same, you will never trust her the same - nothing about her will ever be the same. Trying to reconcile and work through all the issues that ended with her cheating is a long, painful process that many men cannot get through anyway. Things will trigger your memory and you will see images of her and him having sex and it will make you sick all over again. Its simply not worth all of the time and pain when walking away can begin your healing process pretty much right away. Divorcing her helps you regain your emotional equilibrium and begins to repair your self-esteem. Ending the marriage is you taking positive action instead of just reacting to the horrible thing she has done.

 

You can't unknow what you know and this isn't just going to go away. Work on her to get more facts if you must but know that it isn't going to help you heal. Find a place to live & find a counselor.

[No Limit]

She'll never tell you the whole truth. Accept this, or move on.

[nightmare01]

Healing from an affair can take many years, even decades.

 

Your WW needs to fix herself so she does not do this again. She needs to dig and find what is broken within her. That's her job, you can't to it for her, and she has to want to do it. Part of her process is to face the reality of what she did, and own it. This means telling the whole story of her affair - all of it, not an abridged version. She needs to see the reaction in you in order to grasp the significance of what she did.

 

You have to heal also. You will be asked to forgive, which you cannot do until you know exactly what you are forgiving. Also, you lived a lie for 13 years.. your WW continued to lie to you all that time. IMO as long as the lies are continuing (even lies of omission) the affair and OM are being protected, and in a sense the affair is continuing. The affair ends when the truth is out.

 

Lies are all about control. By lying your WW is playing you like a puppet on a string. She controls what you know and therefore controls your decisions and your actions. This is not a respectful or loving thing to do. In fact, it's been my experience that when there has been an affair, it's the continued lies that ends up killing the M rather than the affair itself.

 

With the truth you can finally see the reality of your life. Knowing reality you can make choices that are the best for you.

 

I don't believe that D should always happen when affairs are discovered. BUT if the WS is not truthful, or if they don't have remorse / empathy, or if they don't really OWN what they did, then D should definitely be considered. If you get the full truth and are satisfied you have it all, and if your WW is remorseful (not regretful - there's a difference), and if she owns up to what she did and works on herself, then you have a good chance of the M succeeding.

[GoBlue]

Thanks for sharing - I know it is hard and I also want you to understand that everything you have described is normal. There is nothing wrong with you. Other marital partners have experienced the same thing as a result of infidelity. There is, however, certainly hope that things will change and everything will improve, but there are probably some additional steps you and your wife will have to go through. I am assuming from what you have written that you have not sought the help of a counselor. Is this accurate? Your wife wants to put this behind her, fine, that's understandable, but she probably doesn't realize how deeply this betrayal has effected you and will continue to affect your relationship until it is completely dealt with.

 

Whereas I truly believe that the help of a professional is the best way to seek healing, there are also some very good books that can be beneficial as well. Here are three of my favorites: Torn Asunder: Recovering from an Extramarital Affair, Unfaithful: Hope and Healing After Infidelity, and When You've Been Wronged: Moving From Bitterness to Forgiveness. I know that this is painful and hard to deal with. I want you to know, however, that your marriage can change and it can become better than you ever thought possible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[nabelp]

Thanks so much Blue. Nice words coming from a Michigan fan:D Sorry, had to get that in since I am a Buckeye.

I really do appreciate your post. I appreciate everyone's post and will use some of the advice I have received.

[nabelp]

Oh and to answer your question Blue...we did see a counselor who was a complete whack job. He did nothing for me and nothing for us. He was totally worthless and he seemed more interested in The Rush Limbaugh Show that would be on the radio in the other room then us. I dropped him after 5 sessions and have not found another one nor have I looked for another one.

[Btrade]

Having been in many forums. Most marriage counselor a stink with infidelity and will have the same recipe for all.

 

Christian ones save the marriage, even if she screwed a football team. Some justify all women's affairs. Some always blame the betrayed...

[HereNorThere]

How much of your life was a lie? Well, truthfully, every moment with her up until you found out the truth and since you never really have, every moment with her. The lie was her pretending to be a person of good moral character that was honest and cared for you. Now that you know who she really is and what she is capable of, it's your turn to stop pretending.

 

You may have fallen in love with a woman, but it wasn't this one you have in your mind. Now it's about accepting that you are married to person who is deeply troubled.

 

She's never going to give you the details because details are how liars get busted. What, she just woke up one day with a moral compass?

[drifter777]

Oh and to answer your question Blue...we did see a counselor who was a complete whack job. He did nothing for me and nothing for us. He was totally worthless and he seemed more interested in The Rush Limbaugh Show that would be on the radio in the other room then us. I dropped him after 5 sessions and have not found another one nor have I looked for another one.

Did you just need to vent here or are you still looking for advice?

[revelations]

Any way you look at it, your wife went for what was better in her mind at the time. It does not matter if she banged him once or a 100 times, she banged him and cheated on you. Okay this is enough to make any guy want to leave her. Now you have a whole new layer of "My husband, Screw him he is a looser" add on to this whole mess. She kept this information from you for 13 years??? For 13 years she has been lying to you. Let me make this clear, she was not protecting you, she was not omitting the truth (which is still a lie), she was not making it up to you. She was lying, no and's, if's or buts about it. She did not lie for a day or a week, even a month. She has been lying to you for 13 years, that is over a decade of your life that she has stolen from you, gone. Now that she has had her fun at your expense your stuck with feeling like a looser. Your self-esteem is shot to hell, you don't feel like you can sexually satisfy a woman, you can't trust your wife and you can't trust yourself to tell if your wife is lying to you. Yes she got to have the fun and my friend your stuck with a bill that is costing you everything.

 

The fact is that your marriage will never be the same. Not only did she cheat on you she was able to lie to you for 13 years. You know damn well that even if she has told you everything and was truthful about it, there is no way you will believe her and no way to verify. I mean no offense to you my friend, but your cheating wife's actions is beyond filthy. She has had 13 years to come to grips with this even if she is remorseful and you have only had a year. I don't care if she is willing to come clean with you or not. Leaving this woman would be the best thing for you. The truth is that you may have been screwed over for 13 years, however you can at least say that you took action and protected yourself. If you own the house kick her butt out to the curb. If you rent, even better. Encourage her to go out for the weekend with family or friends then rent yourself a U-haul and get your crap out of that place. Just leave her butt, no note or nothing. Leave her to wonder where you went to. You owe her nothing at all. Empty and close any and all joint bank accounts or cards. Get in touch with a lawyer A.S.A.P. and get papers drafted up and have her served. Again no offense to you, however leave this cow to her boxed wine, cats and anti-depressants.

 

You have been abused for 13 years by your wife (and yes cheating and hiding it is abuse). Leave her and go out and enjoy the rest of your life. You will feel better about yourself knowing that you did not excuse the abuse you have suffered. Leave her and have some fun yourself. Go bang some hot little stripper, go fishing, read a book or two, hell fly a kite if you want to. The fact that you have stayed with her for a year after finding out about her affair 13 years ago means that your more patient than I am. If your really wanting to stay with her I have no advice to offer on that. Just the lying for 13 years alone is enough for me to not just justify leaving her. To me it would be a requirement to leave her. Get out of their bro, I don't want to see you keep beating yourself up over this. She is not worth it. You cannot defend her honor because she has none. Save yourself and leave her. It will be rough at first, however trust me, you will feel better about yourself and begin to heal.

Edited September 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[troubadour]

The other man that she was banging had a bigger penis that you. He was a much better lover than you ever were or can be.

 

 

Revelations, you must have banged both, Nabelp and the OM, since you have knowledge of such intimate things.... right?

[Popsicle]

I heard one doctor/therapist who counsels couples talk about this. He said that if you truly want to reconcile NOT to ask for the details, that you don't want to know them, that they will just continually haunt you and you will play them over and over in your head and won't be able to move forward. I believe this is true.

[drifter777]

I heard one doctor/therapist who counsels couples talk about this. He said that if you truly want to reconcile NOT to ask for the details, that you don't want to know them, that they will just continually haunt you and you will play them over and over in your head and won't be able to move forward. I believe this is true.

Just as many counselors will say that the WS needs to answer every/any question the BS has. The BS must know that the answers might hurt, but they have the right to hear those answers.

 

Trust me on this, when your wife cheats on you there is nothing you can do to keep the disgusting details - real or imagined - from playing over and over in your head. For some of us, the truth about some of those details actually help ease the pain. The things we imagined are nearly always more disgusting then reality.

[Popsicle]

Just as many counselors will say that the WS needs to answer every/any question the BS has. The BS must know that the answers might hurt, but they have the right to hear those answers.

 

Trust me on this, when your wife cheats on you there is nothing you can do to keep the disgusting details - real or imagined - from playing over and over in your head. For some of us, the truth about some of those details actually help ease the pain. The things we imagined are nearly always more disgusting then reality.

 

The point that this therapist was trying to make was that it's best to put it out of your mind and not relive it as best you can.

[DKT3]

The point that this therapist was trying to make was that it's best to put it out of your mind and not relive it as best you can.

 

 

Yeah that's just a recipe for a repeat offender. That therapist is grabage.

 

Its best that the WS is willing to share as much or as little as the BS needs to process the situation.

[dichotomy]

The point that this therapist was trying to make was that it's best to put it out of your mind and not relive it as best you can.

 

 

As Drifter mentioned, the movies are playing over and over again - weather we were told what happened in detail -or not - we will just fill in the blanks ourselves or imagine what happened as worst case. Believe me - take the most extreme porn movie and place the WW in it - in fact dozens of variations of extreme porn movies - each one changing to another - and that's whats going on in our heads.

 

Might was well have the truth and now our WS was honest with us and focus on the reality.

 

But your right - there is an important effort at some point to reduce the repeat button in our heads.

Edited September 27, 2014 by dichotomy

[Oberfeldwebel]

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Firstly I think that most relationships can be saved if both parties work hard to fix the relationship. I think that for reconciliation to be successful that the WS has to be honest. This puts both parties on an even footing and helps to show the BS that the WS is contrite as it is a humbling experience to confess. Secondly good counseling is essential as they work as the fair broker in the deal. It is not a personal thing and they are able to be objective.

 

As you have already seen by the responses you have received is there is good and bad counseling. Some counselors roll all the problems together, where other separate the infidelity from the rest of the marriage issues. For me the later of the two approaches is more constructive as it allows the people to deal with the problems in context and is not just a tit-for-tat session. When you lump them all together the infidelity just gets glossed over with you not helping around the house (or whatever). Both parties voice their concerns and then told to not hold on to the past. This is completely unfair to the BS, as they held no blame in the infidelity.

 

That all being said, you are left with the reality of today. Can you get beyond the infidelity? That is a question only you can answer, some people are able to move forward, while others cannot. Still you have to know what your wife can and can’t do to help. She can’t make you feel adequate, she can’t make you feel secure, she can’t take away all doubt, nor your feeling that you were taken advantage of (which you were). Additionally, her explanations may not make sense as people in an affair fog do some very illogical things.

 

Advice on here will vary and you have to decide what is best for you. If you want to reconcile you have to calmly discuss the issues. You can’t expect someone to be open if they feel they are being interrogated. This is why a good counselor is very helpful to facilitate the discussion. In the end you still have to decide if you can get beyond the infidelity. Is this fair? No, but it is reality.

[bigman1]

Nab,

 

I think that you need to figure yourself out first. Why do you want to reconcile? Why are you so committed to her? Is reconciliation good for you and why? Could you actually walk away? Oh, and son't answer that with emotion driven braggadocio. If you can calmly, rationally, and seriously say yes, then tell her that is what you are going to do unless she is honest. Then, if she lies or you don't feel safe, do it.

 

If you can't pull the plug then you can't expect to work it out. I'm not sure why you want her so bad, but that's your issue.

[aliveagain]

Your unanniversary is coming up, I know what your going through. Did you finally expose the other man, did you tell his wife? If you didn't she still deserves to know. There is no time limit on doing what is right(like the friends that knew about their affair but never told you). If I recall you discovered her affair from emails she was sending to a new other man, she never confessed until you busted her. Most likely she would still be hooking up with O/M and taking the secret to her grave. This is the reason you still think you don't have all the truth, her history with you is that over half your marriage involves deception and not with just one other man. It is up to her to make you feel safe again, doesn't sound like that is working out for you.

 

If things don't add up it's usually because something is still missing. Keeping secrets from you means she's still protecting someone else. That also means there is still a third person taking up space in your relationship and that needs to end today. Why did you not ask her for a polygraph when you decided to stay? As I recall you were trickle truthed for quite some time. Other than some yelling has she really had any consequence for her infidelity?

[Buckeye2]

Fast forward to October 28th, 2013and I catch her texting ******* again. Very sexual. Very very sexual. Sheadmits and talks about ****. This time I read everything. This was my Dday.

 

 

OP, I understand that your wife’s affair 13 years ago was devastating and overwhelming. But after reading your threads you seem to totally dismiss the fact that your wife was sexting another man one year ago.

 

 

Not just texting but bragging about and reliving her PA.

 

 

How can she go from that to being remorseful on a dime? Your posts are about your Dday and getting her to admit the details.

 

 

Is she remorseful at all? How doyou know that the sexing guy from a year ago didn’t have sex with her? She was bragging to him about having meaningless sex with a coworker and fooling you 12 years ago.

 

 

Wouldn’t that guy want to have sex with her and why wouldn’t she?

[Popsicle]

Yeah that's just a recipe for a repeat offender. That therapist is grabage.

 

Its best that the WS is willing to share as much or as little as the BS needs to process the situation.

 

The advice was given to BS's, not WS's. It's the BS that should not seek the details according to this therapist. I agree with it. Again we're talking about remorseful WS. If you can't forgive your WS then you should leave. It's pointless to stay.

Edited September 27, 2014 by Popsicle