the infidelity/amputation analogy..

[oldshirt]

This is not a specific situation but rather an observation I have made regarding people's reactions to a traumatic loss.

 

 

In my younger days I was an Army medic and a professional paramedic and I have spent the last 15 or so years working in a large trauma center.

 

 

I have observed something working with people that have suffered severe limb injuries that I am seeing a similar process with people here in these forums that have experienced infidelity.

 

 

In my work with severe limb injuries I have seen a pattern.

 

 

For some people the degree of injury is very serious and extremely painfull and acutely debilitating but upon close assessment the doctors and therapists agree that with aggressive treatment and time, the limb can be saved and a reasonable recovery is to be expected. Most victims in that situation will work with the Drs and therapists and will do what they can to be a compliant patient and save the limb. for most of those the Doctors are right and most of those people do recover.

 

 

For some people the limb is cleanly cut off right then and there. some are able to be reattached and some are not. What often spells the difference if they can be reattached is factors like how clean the severe was and how soon it was able to be treated etc etc. In some instances the limb goes on to heal and be reasonably functional but even though it may look like nothing happened to outside observer, it never quite feels or functions the same.

 

 

For others there is always a significant degree of altered ability but it is attached and does work to a degree.

 

 

And for others the limb is lost in the injury with no chance of reattachment and while devastated, the victim can see with his/her own eyes that any efforts to save the limb will be futile.

 

 

Those examples are all pretty well cut and dried. There is however a fairly sizable number of cases that experience a devastating injury where the limb is not lost in the accident but is so damaged that the doctors and therapists and staff all know that eventually it is going to have to come off. The problem is no one can say with 100% certainty that the limb is going to come off in the acute phase. Some doctors will give it 5%, another will give it 10% and another will give it 15% chance of being saved.

 

 

When that happens, the victim will invariably hold on to any shred of hope and will demand that the limb be saved.

 

 

The doctors and therapist will spend days and even weeks explaining that the chances are likely that trying to save the limb will result in months and months of multiple surgeries, skin grafts, infections and lots and lots of PAIN and painful physical therapy...

 

 

....all of that and in the end, the limb will either have to be cut off anyway, or the pain and debilitation will just get to be too much for the victim and he/she will ask for it to be removed.

 

 

The doctors and therapists will also counsel that instead of opting to try to save the limb, that if they chose to go ahead and amputate at this time, they will be able to cleanly remove the limb which will allow it to heal much much more quickly and with less pain and infection, fit them for a prosthesis and within months they will be up and walking and getting back to pretty much a functional and active life, whereas if they opted to try to save the limb, it may be YEARS before they are up an walking again.....and that is assuming they are able to walk at all.

 

 

Invariably the victim will always opt to try to save the limb. They will be desparate to hold on to what they once had and are terrified to chose to cut it off.

 

 

So they do endure months and months of terrible pain and disability. They go through multiple surgeries. Many have recurrent infections and complications that threaten not only their limb but sometimes their actual life as well. They endure countless hours of painful physical therapy which many liken to torture. Yet still they persist and still they hang on to hope that they can save the limb and get back to what they once were.

 

 

For some of them the pain and anguish get to be too much and they opt to go ahead and remove the limb and take the prosthesis.

 

 

So are resolved to trying to save the limb but stub their toe on the coffee table in the middle of the night and the exquisite pain and agony of the repeated insult puts them over the edge and they opt the amputation them.

 

 

Sometimes the infections become so great the doctors pretty much tell them it has to come off or they will die.

 

Here's another interesting tidbit of info - These people can spend many months in the rehab department of the hospital and while they are there, other amputees who have been in their exact position will come back to the hospital to give them encouragement and advice.

 

 

Many many of those people will look them in the eye and say, "I tried my best to save my leg too. But if I had it to do all over again, I would have saved myself the months of pain and the extra surgeries and all the complications and I would have just had it taken off immediately and fitted with the prosthesis right then and there. I can walk and do the things so much better now with my new leg that I never would have been able to with that busted up and permanently damaged leg."

 

 

Where I am going with this is this is exactly what we see here every day on the infidelity forum. We see people who have been severely traumatized. Many are going to recover with therapy and time. Some will experience an immediate loss for which there is no reattachment. Some will reattached but will always carry scars and a certain level of impairment ranging from minor to significant.

 

 

And some will desparately try to hold on to what they used to have no matter how much other people who have been in the exact same boat tell them that they will end up with in the end will not be worth the pain and debilitation of what they will go through to keep what they have. They will not be able to see that a new leg, even though it was not their original, will allow them to walk better and function better than the festered, damaged and disabled one they have been used to forever.

 

 

They need to make up their own mind when enough is enough. They need to reach the point where the pain of trying to hold on is worse than the pain of letting it go. They need to stub their toe on that coffee table in the night before they realize the pain of reinjury is so much worse than the original insult.

 

 

But what those people will always have is the knowledge and the assurance that they thought they had a glimmer of hope and that they tried.

[BetrayedH]

Great analogy.

 

I spent an extra 8 months trying to determine if my limb (which I had been with for decades) could be saved. It couldn't. I don't regret the effort.

[No Limit]

Well written indeed.

 

 

"Fought" for a year for my best friend of 2 years (sounds like little highschool talk, but we were so similar in mind we could have been clones) before moving on. I guess you can't expect people to be as wise as they would be afterwards before the final breakup/divorce.

[dichotomy]

Perhaps an additional take on this.

 

The loss, associated with betrayal/adultery, especially for those who stay, is not unlike the loss of a body part or loss of functioning from a devastating illness.

 

That is many times we forget the loss for a while in our daily lives, and then we remember, oh ya - that thing is not there anymore, and go through some emotions again.

 

This is why I sometimes say to anyone who has gone through being cheated on - and says "its been a while aren't you over it?" you would not say this to someone who lost body parts because the answer is " Well mostly, but sometimes I just cope and try to continue on without that"

 

but yes - sometimes your just got to get rid of the damaged or diseased parts in your life to live on.

[Yasuandio]

I have used a similiar analogy, to explain my pain, with a four year protracted divorce - after 23 years of marriage. It felt like my arm was being amputated with a tiny needle, day by day, until the month before the trial - then I just no longer was able to bear the wait and delays any longer, it had to get over with, I couldn't take it anymore.

 

the arm was finally severed. However, the healing process has been extremely complicated to the patient's recovery. Yas