Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Just a little story. I'm 100% over this guy, and he and I are still friends (mainly hanging out at football games and festivals now and then around our city). He still vaguely tries to sleep with me, but I'm not interested. Anyway, we had an "affair" while both in other relationships for about a year. My relationship ended, but he's still with the same girl. I met her at a Bills game today when I stopped by his tailgate, and she's so cool and sweet. I really feel awful for what I did for that year. Don't do it- it's not worth it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) Just a little story. I'm 100% over this guy, and he and I are still friends (mainly hanging out at football games and festivals now and then around our city). He still vaguely tries to sleep with me, but I'm not interested. Anyway, we had an "affair" while both in other relationships for about a year. My relationship ended, but he's still with the same girl. I met her at a Bills game today when I stopped by his tailgate, and she's so cool and sweet. I really feel awful for what I did for that year. Don't do it- it's not worth it! Then please find better friends. Edited September 22, 2014 by dichotomy 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 Haha. He's not a close friend- I have lots of them! More of an acquaintance that I see a few times a year. But I am glad the whole thing ended how it did- friendly. Could've been a lot worse. It was a mistake for sure, but I can look back and know for sure I'll never put myself in such a destructive situation again. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Does she know or is she still in the dark? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 She doesn't know. I used to think he was sleeping with a bunch of other women, but I like to think he's faithful now? The 'affair' was about 4 years ago. Maybe I just think that because he's my friend who I want to think well of. It just struck me what a friendly, cool person she was. I think in the OW role we forget there are real people involved in these relationships who'd be devastated should they find out. Even though I'm 100% over any romantic feelings I had for this guy, meeting her struck me as a defining moment in my life- realizing I don't ever ever want to be in that OW role again. Also I don't know why there's a smiley face attached to this post. Can't get rid of it. I def don't find this funny, ha. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 She doesn't know. I used to think he was sleeping with a bunch of other women, but I like to think he's faithful now? The 'affair' was about 4 years ago. Maybe I just think that because he's my friend who I want to think well of. It just struck me what a friendly, cool person she was. I think in the OW role we forget there are real people involved in these relationships who'd be devastated should they find out. Even though I'm 100% over any romantic feelings I had for this guy, meeting her struck me as a defining moment in my life- realizing I don't ever ever want to be in that OW role again. Also I don't know why there's a smiley face attached to this post. Can't get rid of it. I def don't find this funny, ha. You don't think it's devastating that she's spent years unknowingly staying with a man that has betrayed her? Why does the devastation only happen "should they find out?" In my view, her devastation is actively happening as we speak. Why don't you free her of that? I'm glad you have learned a lesson not to be the OW but I think you still have another one to learn. When you participate in the betrayal of someone, you should make it right. Hanging out with her just makes her all the more a fool. Perhaps you should knock that off. What do you think? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Appreciate Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Why do you keep putting the word affair in quotes? "affair" <- you're minimizing what it was AFFAIR <- the reality 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) How can you remain ANY kind of friend with some who cheated and still "vaguely tries to sleep with you". This shows he lacks regret and also respect for you and respect for the woman he loves. Please disconnect from him completely. and also what BH said is true. My wife to be (at the time) was still seeing in secrete (emotionally but not sexually) her married AP when we were dating/engaged/married. He too was still trying (not so vaguely) to get her back to sleeping with him. She let me hang out with him once or twice, unknowingly to me who they had been and were, this just added to the disrespect and hurt later when it all came out. How dare she still have any secrete connection to him? and let me see him - share a beer with him - him still trying to get her back to sleeping with him - with them all knowing and not me?. What a trusting schmuck I must be to all of them - her "friends". I can see that day at the pub with him and her - and me being nice and cool to him - I still get SO MAD. Also she had other friends associated with that adultery, old casual hookups FWB's, or friends who cheated on their spouses. Needless to say after dDay she had a choice - me and the marriage - or ALL of her adulterous dishonest selfish old "friends". Breaking from that network was the healthiest thing she had to do. Cold turkey - all of them - gone. Many tried calling for years and she just ignored them till they faded away. She had many many other decent friends (who knew nothing of cheating) and she needed to focus on those. Surround yourself with decent friends and break fully from the rest. You do sound deeply regretful of what happened, and a good person, just trying to help you take the last step, and hang with like minded people, and help you be ready for a good happy next relationship. Apologies if this sounds harsh, it touches me personally obviously Edited September 22, 2014 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Yikes. My sympathy to the girlfriend. Why are you putting "affair" in quotation marks? Own it. You cheated and he cheated. What do you mean, he still "vaguely" tries to sleep with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 I'm saying affair with quotations because no one was married. That's it, I always associated that word as infidelity in marriage. That's it. Not trying to minimize it whatsoever. I posted this to share my feelings of regret- maybe thought others would read it and help them realize the gravity of their actions when involved with a man who is committed to someone else. I don't hang out with her- it was just once. I think the affair was too long ago to tell her now; I feel like someone alluded to the fact that maybe I should do so. Again, this guy isn't a close friend or confidant or anything like that. He's my casual buddy I hang out with while tailgating. That's it! Sometimes he'll text and ask me if I'm out and make vague references to our previous sexual interactions. I just ignore it, and he won't make mention of it again for awhile. I guess if I'm going to keep him as a friend at all I should say flat-out that I'd prefer if he didn't talk about that. I wish people would focus on my regret instead of me being the 'bad guy' here, but that's fine. I wish it didn't happen and see how destructive these things are just like you all do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Forgive me but your regret seems completely insufficient if you're just going to leave this woman to continue to be betrayed. Her "boyfriend" had an affair with you, is still casually pursuing another, is probably doing this with countless other women, and you do nothing but anonymously post on a website that you regret it? I'm not convinced, especially since you continue to call him a "friend." I'm not calling you the bad guy here but you did participate in some bad actions. If you want to convince people that you're truly remorseful, then do something about it. The passage of time doesn't make the affair any less real or important for her. Every day she's left to waste precious years of her life is a further injustice to her. Go 'no contact' with this man and give his GF the truth so she can make an informed decision about how to move forward with her life. Until you do, your regret is being outshone by your lack of empathy and by your cowardice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I wish people would focus on my regret instead of me being the 'bad guy' here, but that's fine. I wish it didn't happen and see how destructive these things are just like you all do. I actually see you as regretful and that's good. It was also brave and honest of you to post this - and try to help others avoid your mistake. Thank you and well done. The rest was just trying to help you make the next step - and kick a bad friend to the curb and stay away from him. I suppose a half step would be next time he alludes to your sexual history and possible restart - to let him have it that it was wrong and horrible you cheated on your partners, and that he is disrespecting you and his current GF by bringing anything up. If you truly want to remain friends - then friends tell each other to walk straight. All I can share is that by even hanging out with him, talking to him, or being in the presence of his current GF without her knowing is rubbing secrete salt in the wound she does not know she has, but may someday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 ^You really think it's appropriate to tell her about this years later? there is ZERO chance of me ever being involved with him. I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. I think maybe I should've told her back then but it doesn't seem like the right thing to do now. I'm not going NC, he's just a casual friend and there's no reason to just cut him out. Nothing's happened between us in years, just now-and-then hanging out with friends at events. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 (edited) ^You really think it's appropriate to tell her about this years later? there is ZERO chance of me ever being involved with him. I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. I think maybe I should've told her back then but it doesn't seem like the right thing to do now. I'm not going NC, he's just a casual friend and there's no reason to just cut him out. Nothing's happened between us in years, just now-and-then hanging out with friends at events. Maybe.....maybe not. Its a tough call. I don't know the nature of their relationship now - how serious or deeply in love his GF is with him. What if they get married? or planned to? Would you go to the wedding? continue to tailgate with them?or Let him allude to your past sexual relationship and make hints then? Why won't you just avoid this guy - he sounds like a low life. You sound like a good person. really you do. Edited September 22, 2014 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 ^You really think it's appropriate to tell her about this years later? there is ZERO chance of me ever being involved with him. I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever. I think maybe I should've told her back then but it doesn't seem like the right thing to do now. I'm not going NC, he's just a casual friend and there's no reason to just cut him out. Nothing's happened between us in years, just now-and-then hanging out with friends at events. Forgive me for answering a question with a question but why does the passage of time seem to change the decision for you? I can (perhaps) see if he was truly a changed man and had rededicated himself to his GF that you might think that it would just unnecessarily hurt her (even then I would argue that she needs to know), but in this case he's still flirting with you. What if she contracts an STD? What if she plans her whole life around him, marries him, has children with him and NO ONE tells her that her man has been cheating on her for years until she's spent nearly her whole adult life on him? Does she really deserve that? You can do something about it. For what it's worth, I do credit you for coming here with a cautionary tale. It just seems so incomplete. It seems that if you want to share a story about mistakes that were made, learning from the experience, and then making amends - well, that's a story worth sharing. In this case, I just hear an awful story about a woman continuing to be betrayed and the one person that could do something about it, won't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 You sound like a very good friend who has a collection of equally great friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 You sound like a very good friend who has a collection of equally great friends. Man! The assumptions people will make with such limited information are ridiculous. I have LOTS of GREAT friends. This guy isn't one of them. He was a coworker who I had unfortunate affair with. I ended it and have stayed in touch now and then. WHY is that a big deal? Also, am I the only one who has some 'good time pals' that you have a drink with now and then but are not in any way close to? This seems like a foreign concept to most posters. I have several close friendships with trust, respect, intimacy etc. This isn't one of them, which I feel I've made clear. I'll say this- he'll invite me, and my friend who he's also friendly with, to come over to the tailgate when his gf isn't there. I assume this is just because it's an uncomfortable situation for him. When she is, I won't hear from him, which is fine with me too. This time we ran into them and that's the only reason I met her. I guess I'd be hesitant to tell her because for all I know, he could be a 'changed man'. I see him a few times a year (with other friends there as well) and we aren't close, we don't talk a lot about life and relationships etc. So how do I know if he's cheating? What if he did make one really bad mistake with me and has been faithful to her since? The fact is I'm not close enough to know WHAT he's doing. The one point that's been mentioned that I agree with is if/when he makes any innuendo toward me again, I should ask him to stop. Mostly we talk about football and our old job and coworkers- but he is showing some disrespect to her and to me when he makes comments (they're very infrequent and only via text). Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 Man! The assumptions people will make with such limited information are ridiculous. I have LOTS of GREAT friends. You gotta take these types of forums with a grain of salt. You'll get lots of people who will read three sentences of yours, and tell you quite definitely that you should leave your kids, Lol. You'll also find all kinds of people giving advice that they themselves did not ( and will not ) take in real life. Just remember, everyone on here has been really hurt, myself included. And many of would ALWAYS choose the most righteous path when giving advice. But in the real world, most of us would probably make the same decisions you have. I wouldn't tell that girl, even though I know I wish someone would have told me way back when. I think that's just the way it is. Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I've never heard of ANYONE who has gone from an affair to just friends and having that work out. Every single attempt at just friends has ended up having the affair start up again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eighty_nine Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 I've never heard of ANYONE who has gone from an affair to just friends and having that work out. Every single attempt at just friends has ended up having the affair start up again. I guess I'm the exception! It's been years and I have zero interest these days. Don't even feel attracted to him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
nightmare01 Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 I guess I'm the exception! It's been years and I have zero interest these days. Don't even feel attracted to him anymore. I'm sorry - I'm kind of new here and don't know your story - I'd like to ask you a 3 questions: Are you married? Does your husband know of your affair? Does your husband know you are still friends with your AP? ... Of course if the answer of the first question is No, then the other 2 questions don't apply. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Be_Strong Posted September 22, 2014 Share Posted September 22, 2014 lissvarna, your advice about avoiding affairs is good. And I think it's important to remember that there are real-life people being cheated on and hurt. It's a bit odd that it took meeting this other guy's girlfriend for you to have that moment of realization. Was the boyfriend that you were cheating on not a person with emotions and feelings? It seems like you were ok with hurting him, but not ok with hurting a stranger. As to whether you should tell the current girlfriend, keep in mind that even though 4 years have passed, it could very well have a significant impact right now. For example, let's say that 2 weeks ago the girlfriend found out that this guy had cheated on her with a ONS. He begs and pleads for her to stay and convinces her that it was a onetime lapse in judgment and swears it is the only time he has ever cheated in his life. The information about your year-long affair would obviously be very relevant to her right now. I think it is naive and foolish thinking on your part to think he has changed at all. You say, "what if he has changed?" and I say, "what if he hasn't." Honestly, I think you are just conflict avoidant. That's why most people end up in an affair in the first place. I would respect your decision not to tell if you were just honest about that. Link to post Share on other sites
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