Patience or Drive for Resolution?

[Mr_Moving_Forward]

Hello,

 

Struggling with my wife's Emotional Affair. Looking for advice and somewhere to vent with people in similar situations. Here is the story in brief:

 

My Wife turned 40 in March 2013. In June, her Dad died of Leukemia. This was devastating for her, and she hides all her grief, something I'd never known about her in our 20 years together. November 2013, my wife takes a trip to New Zealand with her Mom to visit old family friends. On returning, she is a complete different person. Cold to me. Drinking a ton. Nervous all the time. Buys a new luxury car. Loves Pop music. Visceral, disappointed with her life, but strangely turned on sexually without really showing much feeling to me. In short, she is in Mid Life crisis. This was the worst time of my life. No idea what happened, but I know something did. Finally, in mid January 2014 I caught a text from her paramour and she fessed up to having a relationship. No sex occurred (I think its 90% probably that is true, and I don't really care at this point), but they hugged and kissed and fell in love. She committed to wanting to stay with me, but wouldn't give it up that she was done with him. I found a love letter he sent, I read some texts I shouldn't. It all hurt, but at least I wasn't crazy, and I stuck in there.

 

In March 2014, I caught her sexting with him, by checking her Cell Phone. At that point I blew up and asked to either go in for therapy (an idea she abhors), open up our relationship (not really practical for us) or for separation. She turned on the passion/charm, promised to quit sexting, and stop communicating, and gave me her cell phone code so I had some transparency. But I couldn't get over it with that. I needed to know her feelings too. So I stalked her communications and read her texts with her closest friend. Big mistake, she was venting about her lost love, and how she would have stayed with him if not for the distance, her need for a better life, etc. When we talked about it, she called it "Locker Room Talk" and pointed out things like my issues with pornography and that she would not want to know what I talked about with my guy friends. Somewhat true, but this is different. Anyway, I let all that go to keep our family together, stopped wanting transparency. At least on the surface she was doing everything I needed to make a good relationship (sex, friendship, parenting, etc).

 

Fast forward to now. I'm much better emotionally. We have had some good discussions and in the last she promised she had "Put him aside" and was moving forward with me, although she wouldn't pretend her feelings were over. She wanted the drama to end, no more talking about it, no more invading her privacy - make our home environment comfortable again. That was OK for a few months, but then I started to get the old paranoia again Labor Day weekend, and sure enough our chemistry went to crap for a couple weeks. I broke down and checked her email, and sure enough, the guy in NZ had written her about "Still missing her" and how he read the letter she wrote. I just read the start, not wanting to punish myself. To be honest, it sounds like they are trying to be "friends" now (and I know from reading past texts that was an idea she had). But seriously, she is still in love with him, how can they really be friends? It shouldn't effect our relationship the way it does if they were really friends.

 

My feeling is she isn't "putting it aside", but "keeping him on the sideline", in case things work out for them. She wants it all. Last week I started looking at dating sites for Married people I was so ticked off about it. It almost feels like she wants me to cheat, so she can feel better about what she did.

 

But then this weekend was one of the best we've had since this all happened. Went to the beach together as a family, then had a romantic night together that felt like she really cared for me. She isn't passionate for me like she once was, but I don't really expect that (you only fall madly in love once per person). She still has some desire, and is very giving, when her hormones allow, and we fulfill each other.

 

So I'm really torn here.

 

Should I continue to just keep my mouth shut, try to live in the moment, enjoy our good times together, and see if her crush just dies on its own?

 

I feel like if I could not care about it and feel confident in myself, it just might go away.

 

 

Or do I need to talk to her about my feelings and confront her about her communications with her paramour?

 

That would help me out, but would piss her off, and might end our relationship. Maybe that is for the best?

 

Is there anything healthy about trying to see what else is out there? Could making a "friend" of the opposite sex help in any way? I bet she would suddenly find some passion for me if threatened with another woman. But that just seems wrong. I shut down the married dating site. Just not me, at least at this point.

 

Well there is the vent, felt good. Anyone have an opinion on it?

[Tayla]

yes. Seek a counselor. The fluctuation is wearing on you both.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

IMO, get yourself into IC and sort this out and work out a plan of action and implement it. You'll never have any control over anyone else but the excellent news is you have complete control over yourself and no one can ever take that away from you. You have choices. Get moving.

[bubbaganoosh]

What you have just said was, "Should I kill myself with a gun or a knife".

 

Look. She's either your wife and only yours or she isn't. She wants you for the security and have the OM for her plaything on the side and in the process not only is she making an ass out of you but your doing it on your own and every day she loses a little bit more respect for you and you let her.

 

She was wrong for the affair. She takes blame for that but you take the blame for not putting an end to the affair one way or the other.

 

Look friend, she cheats and she lies and until you regain your backbone it will continue. You can only duck your head in the sand so many times.

 

If it's me, I let her know that she's wore out her welcome at the home and she more then free to go off with her new guy and don't come back.

 

You've been rug sweeping this mess far too long and it's time that you step up to the plate and put a stop to it.

 

The best way to do it is file for divorce and have her served. Let her know that she's had more than one chance to change and she failed. Maybe that will shake her back to reality but IMO someone like that I wouldn't want in my life.

[Btrade]

Been active on other forums. Seen this 99999 times.

 

No sex? Uh huh. Unless younsaw a text that said, "damn i wish we had gone all the way". They did. I know from your post you dont care but statistically things are grim.

 

 

You are waiting for strike four apparently. For goodness sakes take control back from her. Control belongs to the cheated, not the cheater.

 

 

Not spy on her? After three separate sets of lies. Are you kidding me? Honestly id be gone but she shouldnt even complain about having to wear a GPS around her neck.

 

 

Agree with above get counseling. Find one that insists you stop letting her walk all over you.

[Be_Strong]

Sitting around and waiting to see if her crush dies is the worst thing you can do. There's too much of a distance and not enough opportunity for your wife to see the OM for the relationship to die a natural death. It will always stay in the fantasy mode which your real life relationship will never live up to.

 

Your choice is to stay with a woman that is maybe 30% committed to the marriage, or take firm action to leave her, which may break her out of the fantasyland with her crush or not. Either way you end up with a more committed wife or an opportunity to find a new woman that will be 100% committed.

[jnel921]

Sounds like you both are making excuses as to why not leave. Sounds more like convenience. I don't care how much charm my H puts on. Sexting will earn him a kick in the b***s. I don't need to live my life getting paranoid as you put it.

 

If this is hurting you then do something about it. I doubt they only kissed and hugged. If they were alone and had enough time for that then they took it all the way. You should care. She is lying to you. You have already caught her sending emails.

 

Her attention is elsewhere and its not with you. This man may be in NZ but his spirit and thoughts are there with your wife. Why are you asking her to set him aside? It seems as she has set you aside and you are ok with this???

 

Put your man pants on and put a stop to it once and for all. She needs to make a genuine choice or you may have to go forward without her.

[Mr_Moving_Forward]

Been active on other forums. Seen this 99999 times.

 

No sex? Uh huh. Unless younsaw a text that said, "damn i wish we had gone all the way". They did. I know from your post you dont care but statistically things are grim.

 

 

You are waiting for strike four apparently. For goodness sakes take control back from her. Control belongs to the cheated, not the cheater.

 

 

Not spy on her? After three separate sets of lies. Are you kidding me? Honestly id be gone but she shouldnt even complain about having to wear a GPS around her neck.

 

 

Agree with above get counseling. Find one that insists you stop letting her walk all over you.

 

I did see such a text, and many other indications from her, and from him in the one letter I read. still don't 100% believe it, but it is unlikely they were making that part up.

 

There have been plenty of confrontations on my part, and concessions on her part. I'm not in control, but neither is she. She has always been committed to me, and continues to treat me great and love me, at least on the surface. There is no doubt he is a distraction, and that she has lied, but at least it has died down to the point where it is a friendly letter and email. It sounds like he is calming down too, but I don't know that for sure. Meanwhile, she is right here in front of me every day, and that isn't a bad thing.

 

I've been to counseling. I find it of mixed use. It helps me learn to cope with my feelings, but it isn't helping us any. We don't fit any molds. She refuses to go though, which is annoying.

 

There is a ton of stuff I've left out here. Ultimately, in the scheme of affairs, this is a relatively minor one, so I would feel bad leaving all we have together over it. It just has been a really ****ed up one emotionally at the same time.

 

I see most people are saying to confront her again. Thanks for your advice.

[Mr_Moving_Forward]

Sitting around and waiting to see if her crush dies is the worst thing you can do. There's too much of a distance and not enough opportunity for your wife to see the OM for the relationship to die a natural death. It will always stay in the fantasy mode which your real life relationship will never live up to.

 

Your choice is to stay with a woman that is maybe 30% committed to the marriage, or take firm action to leave her, which may break her out of the fantasyland with her crush or not. Either way you end up with a more committed wife or an opportunity to find a new woman that will be 100% committed.

 

Sounds like good advice, except I would say she has been far more committed to our marriage than that. Maybe out of convenience, but more out of still loving me, and knowing her paramour is mostly a fantasy. But I do agree I'm never going to live up to that fantasy, and I need to figure a way to break her out of it.

 

It isn't all that easy to do though, what with a kid and a whole life in front of us. Honestly, when I compare our relationship to all our friends and family, pretty much none of the longer relationships have avoided something like this, and we have a much better sex life, communication, friendship, etc than they do. So it seems stupid in many ways to blow it up.

 

*sigh* Its hard to get advice from random people.

[Mr. Lucky]

Honestly, when I compare our relationship to all our friends and family, pretty much none of the longer relationships have avoided something like this, and we have a much better sex life, communication, friendship, etc than they do. So it seems stupid in many ways to blow it up.

Then, with what you declare to be a pretty good life, why are you posting here ???

 

I wouldn't last one day with that kind of uncertainty as it's the opposite of the commitment I want - and need - from my spouse. If you stay married regardless of the price, don't think that allows you to complain as the bill comes due. I guess only you can decide if it's worth it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[MuddyFootprints]

Good decision not to drag a fourth person into your marital drama.

 

You are right; your wife is indulging in a fantasy.

 

At this point, I'm thinking that the best way to get her out of the fog is to push her right into it.

 

Backup plans are not an option in a truly committed relationship. She needs to understand that her behaviour is unacceptable and that your marriage has no room for a third party.

 

There is a lot of truth to the idea that if you want to keep it, you have to be prepared to lose it.

 

It's not a quick process, so you will definitely need patience.

 

I don't think she is completely lost.

 

So, push and patience both.

[No Limit]

She's still with her OM. How about you follow your username and file for divorce?

[aliveagain]

Relationships with three people never work out, one of you has to go. Why are you making it her choice, choose what's best for you because she's making some really bad choices when it comes to preserving your family. The OM isn't the problem here, your wife is. The longer you take to draw your line in the sand the farther away she will become and the less chance of having a successful reconciliation.

 

If she chooses OM than at least you know so you don't waste another couple of years of your time being her fall back position. Be crystal clear on your boundaries if she chooses you, all contact with OM stops now. Please talk to a lawyer, understand your rights so you can protect your children, you still don't know how this will turn out. Independent counselling for her should be one of your requirements for reconciliation.

[RightThere]

Her feelings won't die down on their own. They've gone underground again because after she gave you the "I want my privacy back so we can focus on us as a family" she kept up the communication. He feelings and longing will only grow because it's the forbidden fruit.

 

Nothing is changed. You're just getting laid and it's clouding your judgement. Women use sex to make men think everything is OK in their relationship.

 

Doing nothing is the same as allowing her to cheat on you. Only now she's on onto you and will cover her tracks better.