dermer Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 I am 35 and have been married for almost 2 years. We dated for about 2 years before our marriage but almost all of that time was long-distance. Before that, I had an emotional attachment towards an older, married man – this had been going on since 2006 but he broke off contact abruptly in 2009. Then, about a year later, right before my wedding, he popped back in my life and curiosity got the best of me as I just wanted to get answers from him, get closure, have things on better terms and not be angry or hate him, etc. etc. We had a bittersweet emotional call and I thought that was the end of that… Nope, he started to bombard me with emails after a month after my wedding. I ignored them at first until my husband and I hit a rough patch…at which point I responded to one of his emails and now stupidly and painfully find myself back experiencing such highs and lows plus feeling deceitful and shameful and trapped. A few weeks ago, I recently came to the realization that I should end all contact with the married man because he is never going to leave his wife and he gives me so little in return. Time will tell if I can hold true to my conviction. I hope to be stronger and more realistic but there is still the naïve romantic part of me that hopes he would come after me. I feel so empty, detached, sad and unsure about what to do. I could suggest to my husband that we go for counselling but I honestly feel like it is over - so much has happened that it has changed me and it makes me both sad and angry that he has not seemed to notice or to care enough to say something to me. I also question whether it is something intrinsic to who he is, i.e. not just about communication or behavior but about who he is as a person and that I managed to find this trait in other men. I feel like my marriage is over – that I have become more aware of what I need from a man and that my husband is not someone who can give this to me in a natural/authentic way. But I am so scared to say my marriage is over - it's such a life-changing decision and it's not that he is abusive or anything near that...just that it feels empty... I am in individual counselling now to build up myself-esteem and to better understand myself. My husband does not know this. Should I continue my individual sessions or should I tell my husband and also go to couples counselling. Honestly, I do not have much motivation to go to couples counselling because I feel it is over – it would just be going through the motions to say I did everything I could, the start of our separation and eventual divorce. And I’m not really ready to say that yet either, I don't think... Any words of advice would be helpful... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 It was over when you started dreaming of a future with your MM again. Do you husband a favor and get it over. Also stop blaming him for you wanting a MM over a man that picked you above all others. This is your issue not your husbands. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Priv Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Amen........... Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 It's too bad you don't have the honesty and intimacy to share your actual feeling with your husband. You have no trust that he can both handle it and help you with it. Of course it would be difficult to have this conversation, but if you're committed to making the marriage work, he's the only guy that can help you fix it. Next time you get married, you should develop some of that before you slip the ring on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 Your going to really be sorry someday I have a feeling. Your MM has you in a fog. You cannot love your husband with this other entity in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 You are mad at your husband because he isn't a mind reader. You are mad that your husband hasn't noticed you are having an affair? I think you should tell him exactly what's going on. The look on his face will clear up any confusion about how you feel about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted September 14, 2014 Share Posted September 14, 2014 (edited) Divorce seems the best option. You both deserve a chance at happiness so do the right thing. Do it now before you have a child. Edited September 14, 2014 by drifter777 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 It is over, and your husband isn't to blame. Get rid of your ring, you aren't capable of living by the vows you have made. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 I feel like my marriage is over – that I have become more aware of what I need from a man and that my husband is not someone who can give this to me in a natural/authentic way. Given your focus on your affair partner during the entire marriage, how are you is a position to make any judgement on what your husband offers ? Put the shoe on the other foot - what if your husband had spent your entire marriage pining away for some romanticized and idealized version of an old girlfriend, silently finding you wanting in comparison every day? I'd guess you'd find the eventual description of your inability to deliver the goods in a "natural/authentic way" to be horribly unfair and deceptive. And rightfully so. Your post is full of "I", "me" and "my". Marriage is supposed to be about "we", "us" and "our". You must have missed that part of the vows... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
CaryAlston Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 If you feel it's over, then it's over. Be fair to your husband and tell him so he can find happiness, too. It sounds like you are only settling for your spouse because MM is unavailable. That's not fair to him. If you are not happy, end your marriage. Then you can each find your own paths to happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Hardgrind Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Dermer, You could be my WW's (and probably STBXW) twin. You are justifying your affair by putting on the blame on your H's shortcomings. You don't want to do the work of trying to make things work with your H by rationalizing that he is not man enough for you. Your comment "I have become aware of what I need from a man and that my husband is not someone who can give this to me in a natural/authentic way" made me laugh because that's exactly how my WW thinks too. Let me try to explain what that statement really means. - you want the giddy, newly in love feeling from a man that no one in the world can possibly sustain in you over the course of a marriage. - you do not want to deal with real world issues with your H, who sees your warts in addition to the pretty side of you - you don't want to work at your marriage, you want all the good stuff to come your way without you having to put any effort into the relationship Unless you can grow up and commit to a mature relationship, do your H a favor and divorce him. He will thank you in the long run. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
EverySunset Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Your advice usually resonates with me - this is well said, Lucky. Given your focus on your affair partner during the entire marriage, how are you is a position to make any judgement on what your husband offers ? Put the shoe on the other foot - what if your husband had spent your entire marriage pining away for some romanticized and idealized version of an old girlfriend, silently finding you wanting in comparison every day? I'd guess you'd find the eventual description of your inability to deliver the goods in a "natural/authentic way" to be horribly unfair and deceptive. And rightfully so. Your post is full of "I", "me" and "my". Marriage is supposed to be about "we", "us" and "our". You must have missed that part of the vows... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
jackslife Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Remember that couples counselling will only work if you do. There's no point going to couples counselling if you ignore the elephant in the room - the fact you have been pining for another man for the whole of the marriage. The counselling can't solve the problem in a marriage, it can only help solve the problems in a marriage, and your pining for another man is a big problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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