Tips for triggers

[Red123]

I'm approaching the anntiversary of Dday and some other triggers that this month brings thanks to my Hs A. Any tips from those of you who have bypassed that first year and the anntiversaries that go with it?

[BetrayedH]

One of the best tips I've heard was to make an effort to "reclaim" the day. Make new memories.

[Red123]

Any suggestions on things that might be powerful enough? I think it's a great idea I'm just thinking and stuck on what kinds if things would be able to do it.

[BetrayedH]

Any suggestions on things that might be powerful enough? I think it's a great idea I'm just thinking and stuck on what kinds if things would be able to do it.

 

Take a day trip somewhere. Maybe a local bed and breakfast. Have sex in the car next to a river - well, maybe rethink that one. If it becomes an annual thing, the day will become yours instead of theirs.

[Ronni_W]

I'm approaching the anntiversary of Dday and some other triggers that this month brings thanks to my Hs A. Any tips from those of you who have bypassed that first year and the anntiversaries that go with it?

Could you offer some ideas of what you know and/or expect will pose (some of) the biggest challenges?

 

I think it can be different for everyone, so 'generic' tips may not be quite so useful, beneficial for your unique circumstances.

[Red123]

Take a day trip somewhere. Maybe a local bed and breakfast. Have sex in the car next to a river - well, maybe rethink that one. If it becomes an annual thing, the day will become yours instead of theirs.

 

Thanks. Sounds good. I always hope you answer my posts. Your words always make me feel better:)

[BetrayedH]

Thanks. Sounds good. I always hope you answer my posts. Your words always make me feel better:)

 

Well, I'm glad these posts are working for someone. I hope your reconciliation goes well, Red.

[jnel921]

It's been over 2 years since my H slept with the OW but the D-Day is next month. I honestly am in a great place now in our R and it will be just another day.

 

I think it makes a difference when my H shows me everyday how much he loves me and how much he appreciates our time together. We didn't have a lot of that before. This R has changed him and us for the better.

He knows what he has, he doesn't want to hurt us ever again or lose me or his family.

 

 

I can now talk about his A without getting emotional and when I write about it here, I feel I should share my story with anyone who feels alone in their pain. I want to show that it can get better and when you have two people who are working towards that it usually does.

 

So happy days going forward! Know that its just another day!

[gettingstronger]

time, time, time-

 

I am not sure you can avoid triggers until time as done its work, but you can manage them with good communication on what you need from your husband to help smooth the triggers over-

 

For us, its a little signal of "rabbit ears" it lets him know I am getting ready to go down that rabbit hole-he grabs me, hugs me and tells me he loves me, thanks me for the opportunity to still be in his life- it helps because I don't have to explain anything if I don't want to, I don't have to dredge up the hurt or talk about it- spinning out of control- I can just acknowledge it and we reconnect deeply for a few minutes and move on-

[Ra123]

As much as you can, make it your own. If it is a place, go there without him/her. If it is an activity, do it yourself. If it is a restaurant go there with one of your friends and not your spouse. It may take a ton of time to get to that point. Create your own memories and impressions so that the only thought of the - thing, place, activity, whatever it is - isn't the trigger. Make it part of YOUR life. Not your joint life.

 

It isn't possible for some things. But if you can, start with something. That experience of taking control can then help gain some perspective.

[Red123]

Thank you all for your replies. I'll definitely look at your suggestions. I'm feeling a little lost but I know I'll make it. I guess I'm just really shocked at how hard this is hitting me. I am so much better than the first few months and the few months that followed those but wow the realization that this all started a year ago Is intense. Thanks again for the support.

[Sub]

I think new memories at any time of year help, and the more you make, the easier it gets, IMO. I would second BH's "trip" idea around that time. But something you haven't done before. We went camping on a secluded beach with our son for a weekend about 5 months post-D-Day. It didn't instantly make everything better, but it lead to other things and experiences.

[Red123]

Thanks Sub. We are working on doing new things together and it is getting better. It's weird we both sometimes feel like it is a new relationship in some ways. Too bad we have all the baggage of an old one. The A baggage is brutal but 18 years of good and bad together is something a new relationship doesn't have. The only thing I really miss and I hope some of it comes back is the safe feeling I had with him for 17 of those years. He is working on it, but it's not there yet. We keep trying though.

[DKT3]

Thanks Sub. We are working on doing new things together and it is getting better. It's weird we both sometimes feel like it is a new relationship in some ways. Too bad we have all the baggage of an old one. The A baggage is brutal but 18 years of good and bad together is something a new relationship doesn't have. The only thing I really miss and I hope some of it comes back is the safe feeling I had with him for 17 of those years. He is working on it, but it's not there yet. We keep trying though.

 

It does if they are helping you. Mine goes out of her way to make me feel safe. Honestly its annoying at times.

 

My thing was looking at her without the A being the first thing that pops into my head.

 

Triggers are tough, and will hit you out of nowhere for years. BH has great ideas I've done many of them.

[Red123]

That's interesting that you say looking at her without the A being the first thing you think of. I am working on this right now. I don't want this to define him. I would say 4 months including his A and the fog does not outweigh the 17 years and the months since that he has been doing everything in his power to make amends, but it is so hard to not focus on it. Your story DK is interesting to me, because you did leave but came back. I came close we just couldn't work out the living arrangements to live separately fast enough. I can't say for sure but I think if I did leave we would have come back together. I know how bad things were before the A( long before) and my big part in our breakdown. I think it could have been me who strayed if the circumstances were there, but I work a lot and am in a female dominated industry so they were not. I would like to believe that I wouldn't have strayed but you never know. We were both so unhappy, unfulfilled and unwilling to make the first step to change. Major power struggle, like two year olds:). Thanks for your posts and comments, it's nice to see someone coming out on the other side.

[BetrayedH]

Red, I think it's wise to admit your own vulnerability to an affair. While my W and I were reconciling, I also wondered how vulnerable I was prior to my wife's affair. I had to conclude to that I was pretty vulnerable if an attractive woman had pursued me. But I always had pretty decent boundaries and never gave off the "vibe" that I was receptive. I never considered it an option. I also never could have pulled off the kind of bold-faced lying that it takes to pull it off. But given the right set of circumstances, could I guarantee I would resist? Perhaps not. Given that I pursued an affair after my wife's (in some twisted attempt to rid myself of pain and anger), I can't give myself the benefit of the doubt. Anyway, my point is that I can empathize with at least that aspect - being vulnerable. And that is the one place where I feel like being "human" comes into play.

 

But I think what happens afterwards is pretty critical. If I remember right, your H voluntarily confessed (how huge is that?) and has never TT'd. Is that right? If so, I have a feeling that those things (and yes, 17 prior years) define him more than having been vulnerable to and succumbing to an affair. Something makes me think that making mistakes and ultimately rethinking and rejecting that way of life is forgivable.

[Red123]

Thanks for that. I have had some feedback about my Statements like that one sounding weak. I am not weak just realistic. He did not exactly voluntarily tell me. It was a series of some things happening that got us to the confession. We had split up a week before it all came out. He kind if TTd but once the final all out confession happened almost a year ago he hasn't wavered. I guess for me I try to look at the whole picture with this not just my pain, which I can't do some days, but when I feel strong I can. Like we have been together literally half if our lives, I am outgoing and have lots of friends/acquaintances, he struggles in that area. I dated way more before we became exclusive than him and he has had very little experience. But the the big factor is that I can admit that I shut off first and treated him terribly in the months before he met her. Spent no time with him and gave him no attention. She constantly told him how amazing he was and that she couldn't believe he liked her( I have to agree lol) she stroked the ego that I completely trampled on. It's not ok what he did by any means but if I wasn't the one he betrayed I would be able to see how it happened. Crazy? Maybe but it's where I keep ending up when I try to work through this.