tnimbus Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 Joy!...not. My xom (ea online) showed up out of the blue in my mailbox at one of the last places I can go to online.;/ I forgot that I told him forever ago about a game I went to every once in awhile then ( and nope, I didn't think to change my username, I should've)...but which is a somewhat last bastion of peace and quiet online for me now. I had to let go of quite a few friends and a couple of places I went to online over this, .....now I have to give up yet another one. He contacted me, and contacted me, and I ignored him. I can't block him, because I don't have a paying account. I never used to go there much at all, so I guess I was foolish in forgetting that I had told him about it. It was my quiet place...sighs....yet another good reason not to have an online EA....they can show back up like a rash! He was mailing me like we were pals!!....and like I hadn't said "Goodbye", don't contact me! I finally had to say "Look, we're not friends."..and so forth...and get really rude. ...this was something I didn't want to have to do. I ended it firmly, but tried to be respectful....having to be flat out rude to him has made me feel like a heel all over again...one, for getting involved with him in the first place, and two, for having to be such a bitch when he wouldn't get the hint that I wasn't going to mail him back. I'm sorry to rant...I've been feeling a lot better about the whole thing, things are getting better...it was just a bit of a shock to have him show up at a place he never showed any interest in...and say "Hi, how are you? It's me."...like nothing had happened. ....all frazzled up now...and have to find another quiet place..thank you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 You're doing fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 Thank you BH. I needed that. It was very unsettling. I hated being nasty, but I was caught quite offguard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted August 31, 2014 Author Share Posted August 31, 2014 It was creepy too, I have to admit. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 I'd be nervous about you if it you'd said that it "stirred up old feelings" or some other nonsense. That didn't happen. And you respectfully stood your ground until you had to be more assertive (and then you did). All good. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 It was creepy too, I have to admit. Well, that's on him, isn't it? People somehow feel safe about having creepy online personas, hiding behind a computer screen. I'm always left envisioning some 30-something year old dude sitting in his underwear in his Mom's basement, pleasuring himself while he stalks chicks online. Don't feel bad about putting your foot down. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 31, 2014 Share Posted August 31, 2014 ...this was something I didn't want to have to do. I ended it firmly, but tried to be respectful....having to be flat out rude to him has made me feel like a heel all over again...one, for getting involved with him in the first place, and two, for having to be such a bitch when he wouldn't get the hint that I wasn't going to mail him back. Why not just ignore his query? That you responded - even to tell him to get lost - makes me wonder if you didn't get some speck of validation from his presence. Does your spouse know about the EA and this new contact :confused: ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted September 5, 2014 Author Share Posted September 5, 2014 Yes, my LTP knows about this new contact, and I left the game immediately after sending out the rude mail. I responded only because I could not mail-block him and he would not stop sending "Hello's", "I miss you's", and "Are you going to to talk to me's?" etc. when I did ignore him. (If someone ignores 4 mails, why would anyone keep sending them? That's what creeped me out.) "A speck of validation"..I guess that's possible. I probably should've left the game at the very first mail and said nothing at all. It caught me quite offguard, and I probably didn't handle it as well as I should've. No Bh, no stirring of old feelings...so a silver lining to it maybe. I saw him as the pathetic guy he is, trolling about online for women to talk to. It's very sad, truly, and I'm so very happy to be out of it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted September 6, 2014 Author Share Posted September 6, 2014 I'm replying to my own post...I get wordy sometimes. This little experience made me think about some things though. One is, "With whom you assemble, you soon resemble."...and a lot,(a whole lot), of people who play online games use them to "cheat" on their mates. I saw a lot of that...and sure enough I started to resemble with whom I assembled. I'm not excusing my behavior in any way, it was terrible. It was influenced though by a very permissive state that takes place on online games. Another lesson learned...If you hang out with cheaters, the chances of you becoming one becomes higher. Hijacking my own thread, sorry...a note though for anyone who has a mate that plays online games a lot, maybe take a good look at what they're actually doing "ingame." I have met nice ppl, don't get me wrong...but many more who were "up to no good". I've given up online gaming, there's too much "bad business and bad assembly" going on. Another lesson learned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 6, 2014 Share Posted September 6, 2014 Wow. I don't mean to dominate your thread but I have to say that it seems you're going thru some significant growth. I doubt there's many regular online gamers that would just give it up because it's the right thing to do. Kudos to you for that. And I hadn't heard the expression you quoted earlier but it's certainly an apt one. When you hang out with people with loose boundaries, I think you tend to think that it's somehow normal or ok to be like them. Suddenly your boundaries get loose as well. And once we start to enjoy the external validation that online (or real-life) flirting provides, we tend to rationalize it even further. Next thing you know, you're doing things you never would have done and you don't even recognize yourself anymore. If I haven't mentioned it before, there's a great book that talks about these kinds of developments: Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted September 11, 2014 Author Share Posted September 11, 2014 Thanks BH! It's okay...the growth is good, but I won't lie, it's been really hard. I wake up from nightmares many nights with anxiety that I'm a horrible, terrible person. Rationally, I know I'm not, I made a mistake, most humans do. They happen. I feel in some ways I'm being very judgemental, which I try not to do, but my lapse in judgement and boundaries has made me LOOK and try to really SEE anyone and anything I let into my life. ....I am generally kind, but that kindness has been taken advantage of, and I let it happen...so I guess the pendulum will have to swing to "bitch" a bit before it finds a happy and healthy medium. Off topic I think...but growth usually happens from the painful experiences in our lives. I'm going to look that book up now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 Thanks BH! It's okay...the growth is good, but I won't lie, it's been really hard. I wake up from nightmares many nights with anxiety that I'm a horrible, terrible person. Rationally, I know I'm not, I made a mistake, most humans do. They happen. I feel in some ways I'm being very judgemental, which I try not to do, but my lapse in judgement and boundaries has made me LOOK and try to really SEE anyone and anything I let into my life. ....I am generally kind, but that kindness has been taken advantage of, and I let it happen...so I guess the pendulum will have to swing to "bitch" a bit before it finds a happy and healthy medium. Off topic I think...but growth usually happens from the painful experiences in our lives. I'm going to look that book up now. I think this whole post is right on the money. It would be concerning if you didn't have some guilt over a 2-year EA. And yes, you are human. Like everyone else, you crave validation from others to boost your self-image and ego. In this case, you compromised your own standards (and took a huge risk with your LP's emotional well-being) in order to get that validation. That speaks to me of an excessive need for external validation. Taken a step further, it makes me wonder about your self-esteem. Is there something in your history/childhood that makes you yearn for the approval and attention of others? The natural question gets down to whether or not you ever got the approval of your parents. I'm certainly not a trained therapist but I think this kind of introspection is really wise and seems to be what you're doing. That said, most of your posts seem to focus on external factors (essentially having effective boundaries to keep yourself from tempting situations or poor influences). That's good but what do you think internally made yiu so vulnerable? Maybe it's another angle to investigate. Fundamentally though, I'd rather not see you engage in too much self-deprecation over this. I firmly believe that it's not so much our mistakes that define us as much as our response to them. I've also heard it said that the difference between bad actions and a bad person is consistency. You've stopped and are taking steps to make sure you never have a reoccurence. THAT'S what's ultimately important. Further, I really doubt that your very forgiving LP wants you stuck punishing yourself either. Be introspective but shed this "terrible person" business. Anyway, just sharing some of BH's ramblings. I obviously like to hear myself talk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnimbus Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 Hmmm....very, very good points. This post is changing in nature, and I don't know where on LS to put it. My parents died when I was two, Dad killed Mom, then killed himself, grew up with a Narcissist grandmother and Bdp Aunt, both maternal...no men around. SO..ohhhh yep, some issues, definitely. Trying to work on some of this stuff. It's hard. Where do I go here at LS to delve into this topic? My LTP's Mom committed suicide as well....I think these things make us both very afraid of conflict. SOrry to hijack my thread..trying to figure out where to put it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 Hmmm....very, very good points. This post is changing in nature, and I don't know where on LS to put it. My parents died when I was two, Dad killed Mom, then killed himself, grew up with a Narcissist grandmother and Bdp Aunt, both maternal...no men around. SO..ohhhh yep, some issues, definitely. Trying to work on some of this stuff. It's hard. Where do I go here at LS to delve into this topic? My LTP's Mom committed suicide as well....I think these things make us both very afraid of conflict. SOrry to hijack my thread..trying to figure out where to put it. The above is very personal and you might want to start a thread in the rant/confession section, it's private and only members can see. I'm sorry for all that you've been through. Link to post Share on other sites
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