Can leaving ever work?

[twothings]

Hi,

 

I have two things going on in my life right now. I am not happy that they're both happening together, but I guess that's life.

 

I'm married, I'm 37. We have two children, both under ten. I'm seriously thinking about leaving my wife for two main reasons; her physical abuse and her emotional abuse. I reached the tipping point on Saturday night, when she hit me repeatedly, left saying she'd kill herself. It wasn't the first time a night went like this, but Saturday was different. Our oldest son heard it, and I spent the next hour and a half consoling him, and worrying about my wife who had just driven off in this crazed state at the same time... Ugh. Not a nice night.

 

It's been years now, almost ten years, that we've been working on and talking about this behavior. Every time she has an outburst, I promise myself never again, and I guess they are less frequent now (maybe every four-six months?), but I couldn't stand what my son went through on Saturday.

 

At the same time, I have been having an affair for the past six months. My AP is about seven years younger. We actually broke it off last week; I had been frustrated with her for a while, we talked it out, and it ended. My AP has been a source of strength when I have an uncertain house, and I'm sure also a source of disengagement that frustrates my BW. What started as fun I guess became more serious for both of us. I can't really make any excuses here.

 

My AP now wants to talk again. We haven't talked specifics yet. Her texts say she has surprised herself by being in love with me, and wants to talk about that. We'll meet later this week to talk about it. I don't know what she'll say. I don't know what I should say.

 

I have no idea what to say to my AP when I speak to her. I don't want to leave my wife for her. I do want to leave my wife. I would like to give it a real shot with my AP if there's a way to do that with anything that even resembles fairness to everyone. I don't want to hold out false hope for her.

 

I want to do the right thing by my kids and my wife. I don't see me and my wife being together as what's right for that. I don't know what happens after; I am concerned that her anger could be a problem if she was a custodial parent (she's hit the children, against our agreement, before). So I could be getting in to something that could be really awful now.

 

So... I have no idea what to do. I'm sure there's no shortage of people who who can explain to me how stupid I am or how I've been. That's fine. But I just don't have a clue what step to take from here.

[Spark1111]

put your AP on hold. That is just clouding the issue and I understand why.

 

You have an abusive wife. That needs to be sorted out fast. If she hits you or the children, you call the police and she leaves the home. Get a restraining order if need be.

 

Abuse and crazy anger is a sign of mental illness. Once the police are involved, the courts can mandate treatment. you will also have documentation if you choose to seek full custody and you should.

 

Tell her in NO uncertain terms that if she does not seek help for her anger you will divorce her and take those kids away from her......and MEAN it.

 

Schedule IC. For yourself and MC for the two of you. You need to start a trail that documents her rage and abuse.

 

You also need to understand WHY you tolerate such behavior.

 

It is inexcusable especially when it comes to your children. Physical and emotional abuse at the hands of anyone is life-altering in sad and destructive ways.

[d0nnivain]

Forget the AP. You have to get your kids away from your abusive wife. They need a more stable environment then a suicidal mother who doesn't put their needs 1st.

[cocorico]

Hi,

 

I have two things going on in my life right now. I am not happy that they're both happening together, but I guess that's life.

 

I'm married, I'm 37. We have two children, both under ten. I'm seriously thinking about leaving my wife for two main reasons; her physical abuse and her emotional abuse. I reached the tipping point on Saturday night, when she hit me repeatedly, left saying she'd kill herself. It wasn't the first time a night went like this, but Saturday was different. Our oldest son heard it, and I spent the next hour and a half consoling him, and worrying about my wife who had just driven off in this crazed state at the same time... Ugh. Not a nice night.

 

It's been years now, almost ten years, that we've been working on and talking about this behavior. Every time she has an outburst, I promise myself never again, and I guess they are less frequent now (maybe every four-six months?), but I couldn't stand what my son went through on Saturday.

 

At the same time, I have been having an affair for the past six months. My AP is about seven years younger. We actually broke it off last week; I had been frustrated with her for a while, we talked it out, and it ended. My AP has been a source of strength when I have an uncertain house, and I'm sure also a source of disengagement that frustrates my BW. What started as fun I guess became more serious for both of us. I can't really make any excuses here.

 

My AP now wants to talk again. We haven't talked specifics yet. Her texts say she has surprised herself by being in love with me, and wants to talk about that. We'll meet later this week to talk about it. I don't know what she'll say. I don't know what I should say.

 

I have no idea what to say to my AP when I speak to her. I don't want to leave my wife for her. I do want to leave my wife. I would like to give it a real shot with my AP if there's a way to do that with anything that even resembles fairness to everyone. I don't want to hold out false hope for her.

 

I want to do the right thing by my kids and my wife. I don't see me and my wife being together as what's right for that. I don't know what happens after; I am concerned that her anger could be a problem if she was a custodial parent (she's hit the children, against our agreement, before). So I could be getting in to something that could be really awful now.

 

So... I have no idea what to do. I'm sure there's no shortage of people who who can explain to me how stupid I am or how I've been. That's fine. But I just don't have a clue what step to take from here.

 

Twothings,

 

My H was in a similar position. He was able to leave his abusive xW because of having an A. Falling in love with someone, learning how to be loved in a respectful, healthy, appropriate way gave him the courage and perspective to see his M for what it was, and to recognise the damage it was doing to him and to his kids, and to leave. He did not leave "for me", but he did leave because of the A. The A was the catalyst, but he left for himself and for his kids.

 

You asked, "can leaving ever work?", and yes, for us it has. His kids went from failing at school, struggling socially and emotionally, developing behavioural and emotional problems and being "problem kids" to doing well at school, developing healthy friendships and relationships, becoming happy, normal kids who didn't require a whole pharmacy to get them through the day and weren't likely to be locked up or found on the side of the road. They're now happy, functioning, responsible young adults. He is now happy, has meaning in his life again, and a decent R with his kids. We're happy together, a strong M that just keeps getting better several years later.

 

His family are really happy - they hated how his xW treated him (and them) and they love seeing him and the kids happy, and we're all really close. Escaping from abuse can be quite heady and intoxicating in itself, but if your R with your (f)AP is strong and healthy, that can also be an anchor in your post-abuse life.

 

But whether or not you resume your R with your (f)AP, you need to leave your abusive W. The sooner the better. Have the abuse documented and insist that any custody or visitation she might get is strictly supervised. Do it for your kids, and for yourself. You do no one any favours by staying in an abusive R.

[gettingstronger]

I know you have said you have talked about her behavior, but has she been to counseling? No matter what happens she will be a factor in your childrens lives so addressing her behaviors is paramount-

 

As far as your affair, that adds gas to the fire-you probably know that- but, for the good of your AP, I would not reconnect-you have a huge issue at home and an extra person in your life will complicate that-

 

Above all- as others have said-protection of your children is first-then you, then your wifes issues, then what to do about your AP-

[central]

I suggest you call the police for domestic violence, get a restraining order forcing her out of the house and see if supervised visitation can be included for the kids, take care of your kids through all this, take care of yourself, file for divorce ASAP, and then if there's time and inclination see where this other relationship goes.

[twothings]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and especially to cocorico for sharing your story. Your story speaks to me. I think my AP opened my eyes a bit to what's happening to me.

 

Of course I agree that the children are priority #1. My wife's worst behaviours are pointed at me; I don't know if I provoke them because of how I behave or if she'd do this to any partner. I've seen her treat her brother similarly. I do worry about her behaviour with the kids; please trust me that it has not been anything like as serious as it is with me. But I'd be a fool not to be worried.

 

I think the trap I've been in is that her treatment of the kids is generally quite good; but with me it can be awful, and it's at times physically abusive and emotionally abusive like I described. I have put up with it in part because I love her and also because I know she loves the kids and (mostly) gives them good care. But cocorico has pointed out that there may be a better path for them, too, here, and that really gives me pause.

 

My wife has been to counseling. We both see individual counselors weekly, and we have a couples counselor we see weekly. My wife also has a number of groups that she attends. She has been an inpatient at a nearby psychiatric hospital before, and she does group through another psychiatric hospital at which she did an outpatient program following her last hospitalization. She is getting very good care, but continues to have horrible behavior.

 

Involving the police is problematic. We are both foreign citizens, in the US as permanent residents. Any conviction for domestic assault would make her ability to live here at issue. Maybe in the end that's a good thing? But I won't be involving the police without serious thought on my part because of this. She was arrested for domestic assault a few years ago, and that has been a huge pain in the butt; long lines at the border, etc... etc...; arriving home from Europe or Asia I usually spend at least an hour with the kids in the airline lounge before she finally manages to get through immigration. And that's with a dismissal at arraignment! On conviction she's almost certainly deportable and may not re-enter.

 

Right now, I think my path forward is this:

 

1. Talk to a family lawyer so I can understand what a divorce looks like for us. Consider my options in particular after I have an understanding of the range of outcomes and options for me. Ideally a family lawyer with some immigration and/or international custody experience as well.

 

2. Meet my AP as she asked, but tell her honestly about the crappy path ahead of me. I don't think it would be good to restart things with her, but I do care about her, and she's opened my eyes quite a bit to thinking about better treatment for me. I don't think we'll restart anything when we meet, but I'll tell her how I see my situation right now and I really have no idea what to suggest.

 

3. Start taking the best steps forward.

 

I guess I am still waffling a bit, I just bought the last tickets today for our trip to Asia next month. So I guess I won't be telling her anything before we get home from that or else that will be awkward.

[d0nnivain]

Stop taking the AP into consideration. That person is part of the problem right now not the solution. Get her out of the equation & then you can fix this whether that is a divorce, an emigration back to your country or (bad idea) a reconciliation.

[scatterd]

Your affair can be contributing to wife's actions. Partners can sense their mate cheating. You need to concentrate on your marriage and leave OW out.Their is no room in a marriage for this OP.Continue going to counseling with your wife and helping her to manage life better is the right thing to do. You do not want to leave her and staying by your wife could make your relationship stronger.

Seeing another person is not fixing anything. Later if you decide its not working divorce and then see AW or OW. Good Luck

[twothings]

Your affair can be contributing to wife's actions. Partners can sense their mate cheating. You need to concentrate on your marriage and leave OW out.Their is no room in a marriage for this OP.Continue going to counseling with your wife and helping her to manage life better is the right thing to do. You do not want to leave her and staying by your wife could make your relationship stronger.

Seeing another person is not fixing anything. Later if you decide its not working divorce and then see AW or OW. Good Luck

 

I have no doubt my affair isn't helping things.

 

However, I'm a bit confused; you say it's contributing to her actions. She's been hitting me, she's been threatening suicide, she's been raging at me for ten plus years now. I've been having an affair for six months. I'm grounded, and now I think I see a path out.

 

If I understand you right, the problem is my affair?

 

I hope you can appreciate my confusion. Can you explain this in a bit better detail?

[twothings]

Stop taking the AP into consideration. That person is part of the problem right now not the solution. Get her out of the equation & then you can fix this whether that is a divorce, an emigration back to your country or (bad idea) a reconciliation.

 

I have absolutely no desire to move home.

[SoleMate]

In your case, the A is not your biggest problem.....it's your wife and her mental health. And the fact that you feel and/or act stuck in a hellish marriage. You need serious planning to get your kids in a safe and healthy household. The outbursts need a much better, more thorough response than just talking about it....she needs therapy and treatment.

 

Your A isn't the problem, but I do feel it may cloud things for you. For one thing, a person in a bad r/s should take some solo time to get strong and healthy again, to avoid the chance that they may end up in another bad situation. Even the best A - yes, I'm sure there are a few out there - really isn't a good thing. You know that. It's not good for you, your W, or your AP, who surely deserves better.

 

Long story short, yes, leaving can be part of a workable strategy. I'd see a family lawyer now. Up to you whether to try to save your M and your W or not.

 

(How long has your W been this way? Did she show this behavior when you first were courting her?)

[revelations]

twothings, cheating on your wife is not a good thing. Yes I understand that she has been a nightmare to you for 10 years, however cheating just lowers you to her level. Now onto physical violence, simple no excuse for it, you should have left her a long time ago. I do not know where in the states you are, however I can tell you that for a man this is very bad. Some states like California will arrest you for physical violence because your male. I am not kidding you on that. They will actually charge you if your wife hits you and does damage to herself. In a lot of states they will try to find a way to pin any violence on the man. If possible get video evidence that your wife is attacking you. However I would not call the police and report it until you are out of the house. Make sure that your video evidence is copied and with trusted friends or family. Use that evidence in court to get your divorce.

 

When a woman is committing physical violence, it is usually the man that pays for it. That affair your having can and will be used against you. The affair will be used to justify all her years of physical abuse. So loose that AP and get that divorce. Trust me you are much better off alone and happy than stuck with an abusive wife. Do yourself a favor and divorce her and go enjoy life. Get rid of that AP also, she will do nothing but make things worse for you. By cheating on your wife, you have done just as bad as she has. Never an excuse to hit, never an excuse to cheat. So stop the cheating and dump both of these women. You will be a lot better off in the long run.

[Silveron]

Those poor children!! Ditch the AP, use the time you would spend with her and spend with your children.

 

You're wife could be suffering from a mental issue either depression/BPD, etc.. You have to separate this mental issue from 'her'. My wife gets in the same personality issues as yours and although it can be very tough to deal with in the back of my mind I have to keep reassuring myself that it's the illness that is doing this. Counseling helps a lot! With this AP you are not only betraying your wife but also your children. You are not giving 100% to your family when you are seeing this OW. If you love your children then you will go NC with this other woman, period. If your wife found out about this, she could become suicidal. She is already showing red flags and you need to take this very seriously.

 

This illness is awful, she will blame you for her unhappiness, her sorrows because you are the safety net. She is so confused that only rational answer would be that you are the cause. And for part of it, you are. You took away a lot from her when you are with this other woman (not just when you are there physically) but all the time due to the emotional part. You both have crossed boundaries that should have never been crossed. It's time to work as a team, get to the root of the issues and remove them so this weed can stop growing and causing harm to your children.