both cheated and my fault he says

[Meagatron]

i apologize first if i ramble. i want to be clear as i can be but i am feeling really upset and confused right now.

 

what happened:

 

my now husband and i used to date back in our teens. when i was 15 and he was 17 i cheated on him with a ONS. i was mad at him for something and i can't remember what. i don't think it was anything really major and went to a party without him. I hooked up with this guy and it was my one and only meaningless sex hook up. i felt awful the next morning and even though my friends told me not to i confessed to my husband then boyfriend. he was really hurt and angry and he ended our relationship. we had been together for three months when this happened. we lived in a small town though and had all the same friends almost so after not being able to avoid each other we were friends but saw other people. i moved away after graduating to go to university but still kept my ties at home strong. when i was done i got a job back in that town and started hanging out with everyone. He came home as well from his university and we just clicked again and started dating. this was when i was 25 and he was 27. I thought my cheating was forgiven and long in the past. it wasn't something i was proud of and i regretted the pain i caused and he told me he had forgiven me a long time ago. we were happy together and had so many shared interests and ideas. we got married the next year and have been married for 2 years now.

 

fast forward to now. I just found out two weeks ago that he cheated on my with an acquaintance of ours (we share mutual friends). i found the text on his phone thanking him for the "wonderful night". It was a night i was out of town without him because he was home "sick". I lost it on him and he didn't deny it. but here is the part i am having a hard time with, he says we are even now. I cheated on him and hurt him and no he cheated on me and hurt me and now we move on from this and leave it in the past. Part of me feels like i did deserve it because being a teenager is no excuse for hurting someone. and if i hadn't ripped his heart out he would never have done this. but the other part of me. the big part says this is really unfair of him. he told me he forgave me. he dumped me after i cheated. it has been 13 years. And i think he just wanted to have sex with this woman because she is gorgeous with big boobs and the type of personality that guys go gaga over. All the guys want her and she turns them all down (married or single). so i think he is using my cheating as an excuse now when it really was just about sex.

 

i dont know if i should forgive him or not. i know no one here can help me. other than this we are perfect together. it was just one night for both of us and yet it has so much damage in it.

[whichwayisup]

Uhh, difference is, you were so young, in your teens and dating. Now you know better (as does he) you two got married and he cheated on you, going against your marriage vows. Also knowing how it feels to be cheated upon, he still chose to cheat on you. It is awful of him to cheat with a mutual friend. What a pig.

 

Do you love him enough to want to give him a second chance? Is he worthy of that chance? Is he remorseful about what he's done?

 

If he did cheat to pay you back, then might as well divorce now because your marriage is doomed...

[dreamingoftigers]

Total, utter bullcrap.

 

Total and complete utter bullcrap.

 

So did he enter into dating and marriage again thinking he had a "spare ticket for a rainy day" lying around?

I'm guessing you thought your marriage vows actually MEANT what they said.

 

Once you get over the hurt and shock of all of this, you'll be completely disgusted with him.

 

I handed over my 20s to a sh*tty marriage. Don't do that.

Do anything but that.

You are still at a great age to grt back out there and find a respectful partner.

He isn't one.

I know thst its a LOT easier said than done but you have NO KIDS yet and this joker is cheating so early into a marriage, he won't make a stable, loving spouse and father.

 

I grew up with a cheater Dad. I didn't even know it at the time but the whole "I'm not responsible for any of my actions because YOU hurt my feelings" attitude STINKS.

People hurt each others feelings overtly and covertly ALL THE TIME. How he CHOOSES as an ADULT in his late 20s to deal with it is to stick his dick in other women and make it "your fault."

 

How reasonable does it sound?

Do you feel loved and cherished?

 

If you started beating him up, breaking his stuff and cheating on him for the next five years would that be okay because he "hurt your feelings?"

 

I doubt it.

 

I am sorry dear. I know he's your husband (I have one as well) but he's a stupid moronic idiot who is the type that is likely to get his hand caught in his luggage when you ask him to leave.

[Meagatron]

we were so happy and so good together. we were trying for our first and i could even be pregnant now though i hope i am not. he says he though he forgave me but then he kept thing about it and it made him upset and he thought maybe if he cheated on me he wouldn't be angry anymore and now he isn't and it worked.

 

but if were to give myself advice i would agree with you. i just wish he had told me he was upset over my cheating. he says when i mentioned he broke wedding vows i am diminishing his pain. saying he shouldn't hurt anymore over my cheating. that saying i was young is just an excuse.

 

but isn't he just using me as an excuse to get to be the man that "hit that"

 

i feel angry sad and broken. i wish i had never read that text.

[Citizen Erased]

He told you that you were forgiven and married you. Unless he also stipulated that his forgiveness was reliant on a freebie then he is an arse.

 

What you did was wrong but he didn't have to take you back. Don't let him talk his way out of this. For sure he will do this again and again, same excuse every time.

 

I'm sorry this has happened, I hope you do the right thing for yourself.

[revelations]

I would say that yes it is very possible that your husband has a resentment about you cheating on him when you guys were dating years ago. However the thing is that you two were dating at the time. Since he decided to give you another chance and even marry you does not give him a "get out of jail free" card. Now he may be using your cheating as an excuse or he could still be hurt by it. Either way it is a very unhealthy way to react to your cheating. Your cheating should have been discussed and worked out long before you two married. The sad part about cheating is that often times it changes the BS for the worst for the rest of their lives.

 

Truthfully I would say that if your wanting to stay with your WH then I would suggest marriage counseling. However your husband should also do independent counseling also, because holding on to that much anger for that long is not good at all. This is not something that can be solved overnight since it has so many years behind it. Now would I blame you if you left your cheating husband? Nope not at all. I say this because this is something that he should have discussed with you before you two got married. Even if it was simply him saying "Hey I get one freebee because I am giving you that one you had". However bottom line is that once your cheated on their is nothing that can make you feel even. I would suggest that if you do stay with him and do the IC and MC that you make it known that this is his only chance. Otherwise he will continue to cheat using your cheating in the past as an excuse. Just remember that your husband has a lot of hurt and anger that he is not afraid to share with you. So walking away would be the easiest thing to do right now since no kids are involved. For me, walking away was the best think I ever did.

[54JA]

I agree with all of the above posts about the inappropriate way he is justifying his cheating. I also agree with everyone in that your cheating is less serious than his cheating. You were a child then when this happened.

 

Some married couples can overcome the instances of infidelity. But I think a successful reconciliation requires admittance of the mistake (cheating) and a serious reflection, which your husband isn't demonstrating. I think he has to face what he has done, acknowledge that it was wrong, and begin making serious amends, rather than justifying his behavior by saying "now we are even." This is seriously wrong and inexcusable.

 

It's not fair for him to make you feel guilty about something you have done as a child. There is a reason why we have different laws for "minors." Their brains are still developing and hormones are going crazy. It's not right for him to think the offense has the same weight.

 

I hope you are doing better. Keep us posted.

[aussietigerwolf]

I would say that yes it is very possible that your husband has a resentment about you cheating on him when you guys were dating years ago. However the thing is that you two were dating at the time. Since he decided to give you another chance and even marry you does not give him a "get out of jail free" card. Now he may be using your cheating as an excuse or he could still be hurt by it. Either way it is a very unhealthy way to react to your cheating. Your cheating should have been discussed and worked out long before you two married. The sad part about cheating is that often times it changes the BS for the worst for the rest of their lives.

 

Truthfully I would say that if your wanting to stay with your WH then I would suggest marriage counseling. However your husband should also do independent counseling also, because holding on to that much anger for that long is not good at all. This is not something that can be solved overnight since it has so many years behind it. Now would I blame you if you left your cheating husband? Nope not at all. I say this because this is something that he should have discussed with you before you two got married. Even if it was simply him saying "Hey I get one freebee because I am giving you that one you had". However bottom line is that once your cheated on their is nothing that can make you feel even. I would suggest that if you do stay with him and do the IC and MC that you make it known that this is his only chance. Otherwise he will continue to cheat using your cheating in the past as an excuse. Just remember that your husband has a lot of hurt and anger that he is not afraid to share with you. So walking away would be the easiest thing to do right now since no kids are involved. For me, walking away was the best think I ever did.

I don't think he was still hurt at all. I think it was just a convenient excuse so he could bang the trophy girl and blame it on his wife.if she lets him get away with it then that is going to be his excuse every time...

[katielee]

I think anytime someone justifies their actions based on another's you're in big trouble.

My husband did this to me. it didn't erase his pain of being the BS, it just added to an already FUBAR situation that we may not recover from. Betraying yourself, which is what one does when having an affair, is hard to recover from. Sounds like he may not care. Another red flag.

It's more honorable to divorce a person than stab them in the back.

[jackslife]

Take it from one who knows, this is all classic cheater behaviour.

 

There is a difference between the reason and the justification for an affair or ONS. His justification (both to you and probably in his own head) is the fact that you had a ONS. The reason is the actual truth, the reason why he had sex with this woman is because he wanted to have sex with this woman!

 

Step 2 - he then gas lighted you and made it your fault. Again justification, he'll be telling you next he's the hurt party in all of this.

 

I'm not sure he's carried 13 years of upset. I just think he wanted a ONS, when caught he had his excuse. Excusing himself is a lot, lot easier than owning up to a mistake.

 

Bottom line is he cheated on you. The positive thing is now you know, you know while you are young enough to do something about it. No children and only 2 years into a marriage, I think something is wrong with his attitude to both you and the marriage. I'd start thinking long and hard if you want to stay with this guy.

 

One final point, "you wish you'd never read the text", well you should you've discovered an unpalatable truth about your H early on. And your forum heading is wrong. You should have written "he cheated and is blaming me".

Edited August 25, 2014 by jackslife

[woinlove]

Take it from one who knows, this is all classic cheater behaviour.

 

There is a difference between the reason and the justification for an affair or ONS. The justification (both to you and probably in his own head) is the fact that you had a ONS. The reason is the actual truth, the reason why he had sex with this woman is because he wanted to have sex with this woman!

 

Step 2 - he then gas lighted you and made it your fault. Again justification, he'll be telling you next he's the hurt party in all of this.

 

I'm not sure he's carried 13 years of upset. I just think he wanted a ONS, when caught he had his excuse. Excusing himself is a lot, lot easier than owning up to a mistake.

 

Bottom line is he cheated on you. The positive thing is now you know, you know while you are young enough to do something about it. No children and only 2 years into a marriage, I think something is wrong with his attitude to both you and the marriage. I'd start thinking long and hard if you want to stay with this guy.

 

One final point, "you wish you'd never read the text", well you should you've discovered an unpalatable truth about your H early on. And your forum heading is wrong. You should have written "he cheated and is blaming me".

 

I agree with this. The bolded is very important.

 

If you take his justification at face value, he is claiming he hurt for 13 years and his cheating stopped the hurt, but he doesn't seem too concerned if you now hurt for 13 years. But I agree that it is just a justification and not to be taken too literally, although it does reveal a disturbing attitude toward you and your M. Also, unlike you 13 years ago, he didn't confess - you found a text and then he didn't deny it.

[whichwayisup]

we were so happy and so good together. we were trying for our first and i could even be pregnant now though i hope i am not. he says he though he forgave me but then he kept thing about it and it made him upset and he thought maybe if he cheated on me he wouldn't be angry anymore and now he isn't and it worked.

 

but if were to give myself advice i would agree with you. i just wish he had told me he was upset over my cheating. he says when i mentioned he broke wedding vows i am diminishing his pain. saying he shouldn't hurt anymore over my cheating. that saying i was young is just an excuse.

 

but isn't he just using me as an excuse to get to be the man that "hit that"

 

i feel angry sad and broken. i wish i had never read that text.

 

No, be glad you did because now you know the truth. You have a choice to forgive him and give him a second chance, work together to regain trust or divorce so you can find someone who won't cheat on you, won't hold the past against you. My god, you were 15 years old!! No experience, very young and it really just blows me away that he is still hanging onto that after so many years, let alone marrying you.

 

He should not have married you since he isn't over it.

 

If you find out you're not pregnant in the next few weeks or a month from now, put ALL that on hold. Stop trying for a baby because it will not help or bring you two closer.

[Meagatron]

We had a huge blow up last night after i read these posts. i told him that i couldn't stay with someone who blamed others for their choices. he got angry and told me that is what i did with my ONS. Because i said I did it because I was mad at him. I told him that was true and that it didn't make it right for me. that i used my anger as an excuse but i couldn't even remember why i was angry anymore and it was something really stupid. i think it was he blew me off from the party where i hooked up with the other guy. anyways, i asked him how he could be angry all that time and not tell me and he told me it has been building. that lately he hasn't stopped thinking about it.

 

I don't remember him changing towards me recently. we have been busy this summer but busy doing things together mostly. I told him i think he is lying and that made him really angry and he left the room and told me when I was ready to listen to him too we would talk. i decided i needed space and was going to send him out the door but i don't really feeling alone right now. so i went to my parents.

 

i told them everything and they were really angry at my husband. my dad left today to go to talk to him. my mom told me pretty much what i felt and everyone here said. I picked up a couple pregnancy test on the way home. didn't tell my parents because no one knows we just started trying for our first. i was too scared to test this morning.

 

i feel like i am in a nightmare and i will wake up and my loving and sweet husband will be back holding me in his arms. i want him to be sorry so we might have a chance to fix this. but i don't know if that is possible after everything he has said the last two weeks. and a part of me wonders if it was more than 1 night but i don't know if i want to know that. i thought about asking her but i think i would get too angry if i talked to her or saw her. or if she was unapologetic like my husband.

[harrybrown]

Has he been tested for stds?

 

Has he gone NC with the OW?

 

It does not sound like he is remorseful. Marriage takes two working hard to make it work.

 

Is he going to IC before going to MC? Does he care that he hurt you? This does not make it "even". He took vows when you were married.

 

How is he going to make it better if he is not remorseful and thinking he can use a one time pass? Does he even care that you are hurting?

 

I would not talk to him unless he is there with a MC to try to serve as a buffer.

 

Sorry for your pain.

[Meagatron]

Has he been tested for stds? he says they used a condom

Has he gone NC with the OW? what is NC?

It does not sound like he is remorseful. Marriage takes two working hard to make it work. i don't think he is which is why there is nothing for me to do.

Is he going to IC before going to MC? Does he care that he hurt you? This does not make it "even". He took vows when you were married.

he is doing nothing. he got mad when i told him in anger he broke his wedding vows and i didn't.

How is he going to make it better if he is not remorseful and thinking he can use a one time pass? Does he even care that you are hurting?

he told me he was sorry that i was so hurt but now I knew how he felt. so no, i don't think he does. and this is like a stranger in my house.

I would not talk to him unless he is there with a MC to try to serve as a buffer.

it doesn't seem like he will even go to marriage counseling. but i am done with his accusations.

Sorry for your pain.

thank you. it feels like i can't breath and there is nothing i can do to help. i can't make it sorry and i can't stop loving who he was until two weeks ago. or who i thought he was.

[whichwayisup]

I think there's much more going on and has been for a while. No way did it just happen one time... He just got caught.

 

Have you thought about talking to the OW? Since you do know her and she's well aware of the face he's married to you, it would be interesting to see what he told her (maybe said you two were separated and about to divorce? Many MM totally exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best in their affair partner's eyes) and what she says.

 

Anyway, you did the right thing by going to your parents house.

 

Do the test and also make a Dr appointment to have a full physical and blood tests done to make sure you don't have an STD.

[Meagatron]

I think there's much more going on and has been for a while. No way did it just happen one time... He just got caught.

i feel this way too but i can't see anytime he could have pulled off a full affair. there are no red flags or signs. no hindsight. just that one night. i know anything is possible so i am not ruling it out. i just don't know if it matters if it was one night or more right now with his attitude.

Have you thought about talking to the OW? Since you do know her and she's well aware of the face he's married to you, it would be interesting to see what he told her (maybe said you two were separated and about to divorce? Many MM totally exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best in their affair partner's eyes) and what she says.

I thought about this but so far i haven't felt much anger towards her. It takes a very desperate and broken woman to sleep with another woman's husband. but if i get feeling a little more in control i might see if she will meet me.

Anyway, you did the right thing by going to your parents house.

i feel a lot less alone here. i am glad i swallowed my pride and did.

Do the test and also make a Dr appointment to have a full physical and blood tests done to make sure you don't have an STD.

i am going to go do the test now and then call the doctor. i know waiting is silly because it won't change if i am pregnant or not.. we only just started trying and my cycle is really irregular so i don't think i am pregnant already but i need to verify that.

[BetrayedH]

It takes two things to reconcile a marriage after infidelity: (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Rest assured, #2 cannot come before #1.

 

The fact of the matter is that right now he's not truly remorseful. He's blameshifting. That should be a dealbreaker for you.

 

If he's interested in things being even, then he should also suffer a breakup as a result of his cheating, just like happened to you.

 

By the way, while I don't want to minimize anyone's pain from cheating, I agree with the others that a one-time youthful indiscretion that was immediately confessed (which demonstrates true remorse) is far different from marital infidelity that was kept hidden and blameshifted elsewhere when discovered (no remorse).

 

You H is also conveniently forgetting that he forgave you long ago and subsequently made marriage vows with you. You've committed years of your life to him as a result. He doesn't get to go back in time and unforgive you just because it conveniently allows him to rationalize having his own affair.

 

He either owns his choices and demonstrates true remorse or he owns his consequences (just like you did).

 

I highly recommend you read up on the "180" and start implementing it. Start detaching. I also recommend you file for divorce. I know that sounds extreme but it clearly communicates that infidelity is not going to be tolerated. If he shows true remorse, you can always halt the proceedings. If he doesn't, you're on the way to the divorce you need. In both cases, you maintained a firm boundary that you will not own his choice to have an affair. Don't compromise on that because you'd just be compromising your own self-worth for a guy that has already devalued you. Let's keep your self-esteem intact. These situations are hard enough already.

Edited August 25, 2014 by BetrayedH

[Oberfeldwebel]

Don't fall for this pile of horse$hit of an excuse. Jackslife is right, this was not therapeutic to cure himself of this burden he carried, he just wanted to have sex with the hot blonde with big hooters. Somebody has to be at fault here and he has chosen you, what a selfish SOB. Don't take the blame it is his.

 

If you carry his scenario to its logical conclusion, then ask yourself "what did he do in light of your indiscretion?" He left you. Then the only way for you two to truly be even is if you reciprocate. You can't forgive him of his actions, since he is not sorry and in fact feels justified in doing so. The difference in your situation is you were a 15 year old girl that did a foolish thing. He is a grown man and took vowels before God and everybody not to do this.

 

Personally, I would seek the advise of an attorney. You don't have to file yet, but need to know your rights. Out him to both families and close friends, don't sweep this under a rug. Make them all privy to his excuse, if friends agree with him, then it is time to remove them from your Christmas Card list. Protect your money, by opening a new account, I really would not trust him right now. To move forward he has to agree to open all media, devices and passwords. Additionally, I recommend marital counseling as well. He has to understand the wrong he has done, before you continue a marriage and children. Don't sweep this under the rug with a feeble apology.

 

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. - George Santayana

[No Limit]

No offense but, he's had resentment all this time and just played "sweet, loving husband" for years. It's really surprising that people just don't break up and try to lie to themselves and even go that far that they marry, but in the end, that was his choice. Just like it was his choice to cheat.

 

I'm sorry OP, but the act of "happy family" is over now. And it could have been much worse - there was a user on here called PaidBackNow who's basically having the role of your husband. Everything he wrote in his thread was what a single ONS of his wife before marriage drove him to; but again, he always had a choice to break up with you and move on.

 

Sit down with your husband and ask him for an honest answer: can he forgive your cheating, or not.

[woinlove]

I think there's much more going on and has been for a while. No way did it just happen one time... He just got caught.

i feel this way too but i can't see anytime he could have pulled off a full affair. there are no red flags or signs. no hindsight. just that one night. i know anything is possible so i am not ruling it out. i just don't know if it matters if it was one night or more right now with his attitude.

Have you thought about talking to the OW? Since you do know her and she's well aware of the face he's married to you, it would be interesting to see what he told her (maybe said you two were separated and about to divorce? Many MM totally exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best in their affair partner's eyes) and what she says.

I thought about this but so far i haven't felt much anger towards her. It takes a very desperate and broken woman to sleep with another woman's husband. but if i get feeling a little more in control i might see if she will meet me.

Anyway, you did the right thing by going to your parents house.

i feel a lot less alone here. i am glad i swallowed my pride and did.

Do the test and also make a Dr appointment to have a full physical and blood tests done to make sure you don't have an STD.

i am going to go do the test now and then call the doctor. i know waiting is silly because it won't change if i am pregnant or not.. we only just started trying and my cycle is really irregular so i don't think i am pregnant already but i need to verify that.

 

How he's behaving certainly suggests there is a lot more going on and that he is not ready to end whatever he has with the OW. His behavior does not suggest someone who is ready to reconnect to the M after an A. As you say, it may not matter if he is continuing an A or exactly what he has already done besides the ONS he admitted to when confronted, given his behavior. Given that he didn't confess but you had to find a text to learn about this, what he says right now may not be truthful.

 

So sorry you are going through this and it's good that you are with people who love and support you. The suggestions to see a lawyer and consider filing for divorce sound reasonable to me, given how your H is currently behaving. Stay strong.

[Meagatron]

thank you everyone for your support. it has really helped. I am NOT pregnant and so relieved. But sad too because I shouldn't be relieved I should be disappointed. That is how I would have felt just over two weeks okay.

 

My dad came back from seeing my husband and told me that he told him the same stuff. But he also told my dad that he was sorry I was hurt and he hoped my parents would encourage me to forgive him. Or something like that. My dad told him that they would not be encouraging that and that my husband was weak for blaming the actions of a 15 year old girl for his grown adult actions. Hearing my husband put down was hard because I love/loved him so much and i never thought of him as weak. he was my rock.

 

I saw the doctor this morning and it was so humiliating. won't know on the tests results for a few days.

 

thank you all. At this point we will be divorcing. If he was sorry at all that might change.

 

oh and I am going to see the girl he hooked up with today.

[BetrayedH]

thank you everyone for your support. it has really helped. I am NOT pregnant and so relieved. But sad too because I shouldn't be relieved I should be disappointed. That is how I would have felt just over two weeks okay.

 

My dad came back from seeing my husband and told me that he told him the same stuff. But he also told my dad that he was sorry I was hurt and he hoped my parents would encourage me to forgive him. Or something like that. My dad told him that they would not be encouraging that and that my husband was weak for blaming the actions of a 15 year old girl for his grown adult actions. Hearing my husband put down was hard because I love/loved him so much and i never thought of him as weak. he was my rock.

 

I saw the doctor this morning and it was so humiliating. won't know on the tests results for a few days.

 

thank you all. At this point we will be divorcing. If he was sorry at all that might change.

 

oh and I am going to see the girl he hooked up with today.

 

It all sucks but you're doing well. It's wise to detach when this happens so getting yourself some space was smart. Some (like me) desperately clung to a dying marriage in an attempt to stop things from falling apart. But to some extent you were fortunate to discover this early. Mine was after 12 years of marriage, 18 years together, and with a four-year-old and an eight-year-olds' lives hanging in the balance.

 

Stay strong. Emotions can go from hating them one second to wanting to embrace them the next. Use your brain to keep that firm boundary, no reconciliation until he's truly remorseful (which is a lot more than just feeling sorry).

 

Keep your chin up. Life does improve.