Forgiveness

[jm2013]

With 2013 over which was one of the worst years of my life and half of 2014 over I can finally say I've found some peace. This is more a reflection and update to the LS community on what has been going on.

 

Here's the TLDR of what happened - 2013 I caught my wife having an affair with a co worker. Affair first started in spring of 2012 and went into September of 2013. I left the house for a little while like an idiot and was paying for everything still while out of the house. Had lawyer on retainer about to file papers and decided to move back into the house. The rest is history. My wife and I never had a better relationship.

 

It's sad to say, but I think these events kind of amplified our marriage and relationship into something we have never had before. Almost a year is approaching since these events first unfolded but I'm finding more peace now.

 

We have been attending church weekly and finding God has made things easier to deal with and ease the pain. There's one thing I haven't done yet but am planning on doing. While my actions are showing that I have forgiven my wife I have not verbally told her I have forgiven her. She has forgiven me for past events and still loves me too. I wasn't the best husband at all. From neglecting her for work, being a drunkard at times and choosing friends and family over her to go leave and not come back until late at night.

 

While my actions shouldn't condone an affair they sure opened her up to something else that could have been better for her and made her extremely vulnerable. This was the perfect storm for an affair to happen and it did.

 

My pastor at church came up to me last week and said something which touched me. I'm helping with their website and at lunch he said the following - "When you were at church the other day I couldn't notice how glowing your wife was talking to you. I could see she really loves you.".

 

Mind you he didn't know what has happened in my marriage. But to hear these words from somebody on the outside looking in felt reassuring. My wife and I have turned our lives over to God and has helped me and my marriage in ways I have never thought it ever would.

 

I have cleansed myself of the past and building a better future with my family. And as far as the situation with my wife's family they do not speak anymore. She chose me over her family. She realized how weird and messed up that was and has decided to stay away until there's true change.

 

We plan on liquidating the old rings and getting new ones. This will help I think with the painful memories of the old stuff and bring new symbolism in. And when we renew our vows it will be in front of a God we both now committed ourselves to and will try to both live a more Godly live for ourselves and our family. When I leave this world I want to know I did good. I hope everybody is doing well. And if you're going through a situation where you've uncovered infidelity in your marriage just know it always doesn't have to be the end of the road.

Edited July 22, 2014 by jm2013

[gettingstronger]

I am so very happy for you- it sounds like so much has changed in so many aspects of your life and you are truly happy- cheers!

[DKT3]

I'm riding in the same boat my friend. Our relationship in many ways are much improved after her affair. I too, have never expressed forgiveness. For me personally, I don't want it to be a fake expression. So I'm not sure I'm there yet. I still have bouts of anger and moments of doubt. Those mostly around the expectation that I will ever again see her as I did. I hope one day I will.

[excusememister]

Beautifully written and very encouraging...

 

Thank you for sharing

[jm2013]

I'm riding in the same boat my friend. Our relationship in many ways are much improved after her affair. I too, have never expressed forgiveness. For me personally, I don't want it to be a fake expression. So I'm not sure I'm there yet. I still have bouts of anger and moments of doubt. Those mostly around the expectation that I will ever again see her as I did. I hope one day I will.

 

Thanks for responding DKT3. I have followed your story and hope you and your wife find peace and are able to move on from past events into a future you both never imagined. 40 years from now I want to be walking with my wife in happiness. She can never repay the debts that have been incurred. It has to only come from forgiveness which she seeks daily. I have been exactly like you on those feelings but it is getting easier. And when I am able to look my wife in the eyes and tell her "I forgive what you have done" it will in a way feel liberating. For this to happen, I must get past the past and plan a future that is filled with happiness for us both. We are both using the guilt we both have from our past to create some new guidelines to keep use both from garbage which will lead us into a great future.

 

Perhaps looking at your wife in the present will help you instead of dwelling on the past. Your wife stuck around for 5 years? That tells a story into itself. She loves you. You love her. My wife could be with the other man right now living at my house. Instead she chose to be with me and works extremely hard to prove this to me daily. I wish you and your wife the best DK and hope you both find peace and happiness in each other.

 

 

Beautifully written and very encouraging...

 

Thank you for sharing

 

Thank you . I hope people see this and know infidelity isn't always a deal breaker. I used to say that a long time ago "if she ever cheated I'm gone". Well, it happened and I'm still here. We'll just say events like these are the ultimate test to a marriage and its ability to survive and move forward and to re-find or renew a happiness that either hasn't been there at all or hasn't been there in a long time. I know each situation is different.

 

I am so very happy for you- it sounds like so much has changed in so many aspects of your life and you are truly happy- cheers!

 

It truly has. Thank you for the kind words.

Edited July 22, 2014 by jm2013

[jm2013]

I know this is a little off topic from my thread originally. We've all been there. Imagining our spouses with the other person and all the nitty gritty details that go with that. I had a question and wanted to get an opinion on it. My wife and I were not virgins when we met so it may make it a little easier for me.

 

Let's say you and your spouse broke up or divorced (but not from an affair) and"refound" each other in the future or near future. And during this time you both or one was with somebody else or multiple people. Would you still have those mental pictures and movies playing? If you're reconciling and treated the affair time as if you were "broken" up would it be easier to handle the triggers and move forward?

 

I'm getting better with this. Last night we were watching a movie Just Go With It and there were some parts mentioning affairs etc. It kind of got awkward but it is getting better. For me, I'd like to consider her affair time as one of these break up times. We weren't available emotionally for each other. I cut out just about all of my selfish behaviors that helped create the perfect storm for the affair (I'm not condoning her actions but saying it perhaps made her question "is there something better?"). She has also done a lot of work cutting out lots of garbage. This has both taken a lot of work on both of our ends.

 

I understand now the way I treated my wife didn't reflect what a marriage should have been. Many people can say they're married and live in a drone marriage just cohabitating for kids, finances or material objects. While they may love each other maybe they're more in love with the security and repetitiveness of something that feels normal to them. I've seen it time and time again and it is sad.

[Snowflower]

I know this is a little off topic from my thread originally. We've all been there. Imagining our spouses with the other person and all the nitty gritty details that go with that. I had a question and wanted to get an opinion on it. My wife and I were not virgins when we met so it may make it a little easier for me.

 

Let's say you and your spouse broke up or divorced (but not from an affair) and"refound" each other in the future or near future. And during this time you both or one was with somebody else or multiple people. Would you still have those mental pictures and movies playing? If you're reconciling and treated the affair time as if you were "broken" up would it be easier to handle the triggers and move forward?

 

 

 

I guess your idea (of going on the pretend assumption that the two of you were broken up) is one way to make it easier. But I don't think you will be able to trick yourselves with this type of thinking.

 

I think the best way to move past an affair is to just go through it all. Accept that it was a hurtful, selfish, disgusting thing that your spouse did and see if you can move on from that.

 

Playing mind games with yourself won't help you heal and face the reality of your situation, IMO.

 

Good luck!

 

As an aside, I found watching movies or shows with infidelity or reading books with that topic actually helped me. I didn't ever have the experience of being caught awkwardly with an unexpected subplot of infidelity because I went purposely looking for that type of storyline. I think it actually helped me.

[jm2013]

I guess your idea (of going on the pretend assumption that the two of you were broken up) is one way to make it easier. But I don't think you will be able to trick yourselves with this type of thinking.

 

I think the best way to move past an affair is to just go through it all. Accept that it was a hurtful, selfish, disgusting thing that your spouse did and see if you can move on from that.

 

Playing mind games with yourself won't help you heal and face the reality of your situation, IMO.

 

Good luck!

 

As an aside, I found watching movies or shows with infidelity or reading books with that topic actually helped me. I didn't ever have the experience of being caught awkwardly with an unexpected subplot of infidelity because I went purposely looking for that type of storyline. I think it actually helped me.

 

I guess that came off wrong lol. I'm not tricking anything. I'm saying metaphorically speaking most marriages that have an affair show up at their doorstep just like mine, the couple might have well been broken up . I hear you though, we have concluded all of that. Counseling helps as well. That's interesting about the movies or what not. Maybe I'm subconsciously picking stuff with it.

Edited July 25, 2014 by jm2013

[DKT3]

I know this is a little off topic from my thread originally. We've all been there. Imagining our spouses with the other person and all the nitty gritty details that go with that. I had a question and wanted to get an opinion on it. My wife and I were not virgins when we met so it may make it a little easier for me.

 

Let's say you and your spouse broke up or divorced (but not from an affair) and"refound" each other in the future or near future. And during this time you both or one was with somebody else or multiple people. Would you still have those mental pictures and movies playing? If you're reconciling and treated the affair time as if you were "broken" up would it be easier to handle the triggers and move forward?

 

I'm getting better with this. Last night we were watching a movie Just Go With It and there were some parts mentioning affairs etc. It kind of got awkward but it is getting better. For me, I'd like to consider her affair time as one of these break up times. We weren't available emotionally for each other. I cut out just about all of my selfish behaviors that helped create the perfect storm for the affair (I'm not condoning her actions but saying it perhaps made her question "is there something better?"). She has also done a lot of work cutting out lots of garbage. This has both taken a lot of work on both of our ends.

 

I understand now the way I treated my wife didn't reflect what a marriage should have been. Many people can say they're married and live in a drone marriage just cohabitating for kids, finances or material objects. While they may love each other maybe they're more in love with the security and repetitiveness of something that feels normal to them. I've seen it time and time again and it is sad.

 

There is a difference, a huge one. BETRAYAL. If your broke up then you have no expectations of faithfulness, because there is no relationship.

 

My wife was a virgin before me, and I still don't struggle much with the physical side of her affair. The betrayal and fear of trusting again is the issue.

 

Be careful here JM, this is starting to venture into rugsweeping, and excusing her affair. This is an area that I really have a hard time with also, because I was a crappy husband in many areas.

[jm2013]

There is a difference, a huge one. BETRAYAL. If your broke up then you have no expectations of faithfulness, because there is no relationship.

 

My wife was a virgin before me, and I still don't struggle much with the physical side of her affair. The betrayal and fear of trusting again is the issue.

 

Be careful here JM, this is starting to venture into rugsweeping, and excusing her affair. This is an area that I really have a hard time with also, because I was a crappy husband in many areas.

 

I completely understand. I guess it's hard to talk about over the internet and things may be taken into different contexts. I didn't rugsweep my wife's affair. I got a lawyer and left tell her a divorce was imminent, had a short lived fling with another woman, but also realized she was always there. She could have used that time to be with the other guy.

 

I also want to say I'm not excusing her affair. I try to put myself down to a level of mutual understanding. I wasn't perfect, and in many ways betrayed her just not as deep. But it was still a form of betrayal and perhaps some forms of trust that may have been broken. She just decided to follow through with something on epic levels.

 

I do believe people learn lessons. I have learned many of them from my past. If I didn't have people to forgive me I'd be a loner and cast out from my family. I didn't think this was at all possible in the beginning. Affairs, were a deal breaker in my book. If anything I would have thought I would have been the one in an affair and not her. I have cheated on girlfriends in the past and told myself I would never be that guy ever again. So when I married my wife I kept my commitment.

 

Through this first year the hardest part was to get to a point where you just stop talking about the affair itself. I ran about a million movies, scenarios and just about everything in my head for so long. She was patient through this process. She did lie, trickle truth etc in the beginning thinking she'd try and limit the damage. She finally realized lying or limiting information would be more harmful than just coming out with it and throwing it all out there and talking about it. Even the counselor has helped with this problem.

 

The other day my wife and I were shopping and we stopped into a jeweler. We're going back tomorrow and may liquidate her old ring. While we were there she started looking at new rings. I told her not go get ahead of herself. I don't know if that was hurtful to her or what. But I thought I'd take the money from the old ring and put it into an account waiting until the time is right. Once I get myself to the point I think you're trying to do as well and offer complete forgiveness I plan on buying the new ring. And this time I want to make commitments and promises from both ends. It won't be just one sided. When we got married I still had a lot of growing up to do unfortunately.

 

And you are spot on about the trusting. Trust is earned and I know and understand it will take some time with that. She has been an open book which makes things easier. It would be easy to see a new pattern and know there was something wrong if it were to go that route again. In some ways I feel that because of what has happened it inadvertently exposed things about her family that she had her blinders to. Her parents have some major issues they need to deal with. To be with my family and not have her parents breathing down my neck or injecting themselves all over my marriage feels liberating in a way. We now have a relationship we have never experienced and so far it has been good. I'd be a liar to say I wasn't currently happy.

 

I also put it out there to her that if I'm unhappy or she's unhappy in the marriage we are to terminate it and go our separate lives. I do not want to live like that. And of course she knows that if this were to ever happen again. Or if I find out those two have some sort of communication I'm out. She has promised to tell me all. Even if the guy shows up to her work. Right now he's dead to her. I'll have to control my anger if that happens. I've been trying to be a more Godly person but there's a point where you keep messing with the bear you're going to get the paws.

Edited July 25, 2014 by jm2013

[drifter777]

I completely understand. I guess it's hard to talk about over the internet and things may be taken into different contexts. I didn't rugsweep my wife's affair. I got a lawyer and left tell her a divorce was imminent, had a short lived fling with another woman, but also realized she was always there. She could have used that time to be with the other guy.

 

I also want to say I'm not excusing her affair. I try to put myself down to a level of mutual understanding. I wasn't perfect, and in many ways betrayed her just not as deep. But it was still a form of betrayal and perhaps some forms of trust that may have been broken. She just decided to follow through with something on epic levels.

There is such a thing as rugsweeping AFTER the affair. It is called "cheap forgiveness". Its that part of denial that whispers in your ear "this will be ok - it wasn't that bad" because this defense mechanism is working overtime to get your life back to normal. The sooner you "forgive" the sooner you can put all this behind you. This is so common for us BH's, and it's an insidious emotional trap.

 

The words and phrases we use telling our stories are very telling whether you want to accept that or not. You say "I try to put myself down" I can tell you it's obvious you are doing this in all of your recent posts. You say "I wasn't perfect" and I "betrayed her just not as deep". I interpret this as part of the denial that is working to convince you that you are moving on just fine because, after all, it was just as much your fault that she cheated. The capper is when you say "she just decided to follow through with something". It hasn't even been a year since d-day and you are now referring to her having sex with another man and lying to your face as "following through on something". Can you make it milder? Like maybe she had an "indiscretion"? Come on man, don't lie to yourself. The word is cheated. She cheated on you.

 

Get into counseling now. If you are already in counseling then tell your therapist you are afraid you are in denial and see what he/she says. You are not doing as well as you think you are and, really, you shouldn't have the expectation that you can resolve being cheated on so quickly. I think you are doing great insofar as having a remorseful WW who is working with you to heal, but you are going to get stuck in the recovery process and the wound will fester until you either address it or begin to feel contempt toward her for what she did.

[DKT3]

JM I see our stories have a lot in common.

 

I understand where you are coming from on 99% of what your saying.

 

What I'm talking about rugsweeping isn't as much about the affair, but moreso excusing her actions as reactions of your own. Our therapist pointed this out to me. Basically he was saying that I was tricking myself into minimizing by over stating my actions as the root cause. When he first told me that I was like "WTF". As I thought about that it made tons of sense. Ok, she had the affair and there is nothing you can do to control that, however if you convince yourself that it was a reaction to your actions which you can control means that by acting different you can control if she cheats again. I hope I got that point across. I'm not great at getting my point across via written word.

[jm2013]

There is such a thing as rugsweeping AFTER the affair. It is called "cheap forgiveness". Its that part of denial that whispers in your ear "this will be ok - it wasn't that bad" because this defense mechanism is working overtime to get your life back to normal. The sooner you "forgive" the sooner you can put all this behind you. This is so common for us BH's, and it's an insidious emotional trap.

 

The words and phrases we use telling our stories are very telling whether you want to accept that or not. You say "I try to put myself down" I can tell you it's obvious you are doing this in all of your recent posts. You say "I wasn't perfect" and I "betrayed her just not as deep". I interpret this as part of the denial that is working to convince you that you are moving on just fine because, after all, it was just as much your fault that she cheated. The capper is when you say "she just decided to follow through with something". It hasn't even been a year since d-day and you are now referring to her having sex with another man and lying to your face as "following through on something". Can you make it milder? Like maybe she had an "indiscretion"? Come on man, don't lie to yourself. The word is cheated. She cheated on you.

 

Get into counseling now. If you are already in counseling then tell your therapist you are afraid you are in denial and see what he/she says. You are not doing as well as you think you are and, really, you shouldn't have the expectation that you can resolve being cheated on so quickly. I think you are doing great insofar as having a remorseful WW who is working with you to heal, but you are going to get stuck in the recovery process and the wound will fester until you either address it or begin to feel contempt toward her for what she did.

 

We've been in counseling. When I uncovered everything I went into IC then she jumped in a couple times. But she was still lying and I knew it. By all means, I did not (at least think) rug sweet her affair. I uncovered it to her family, my family and even our neighbors. I was extremely pissed off at her and torn apart internally that she did this.

 

With that being said, I'm not "condoning" her affair or telling her that she must have done this because of how I was. I always tell her there's no excuse for what she did. Over the weekend she asked again if I could forgive her and I told her I can't completely yet until I'm comfortable saying those three words.

 

I also made sure that she knew my actions weren't an excuse for her to do that and made sure she understood. I also told her that if I ever catch her talking to that guy or unraveling a new one with another guy it's done. So if we did go on this is it. I made her understand that. There's nothing after that. I told her the other guy is dead to her right now. If he calls, shows up at her work, emails, I don't care. That's all she's to tell him. And she is to let me know when and if this happens.

 

When I said "bring myself down a level" I meant looking in from the outside. Who I am as a person. What I have done etc. I wasn't a good person at all. I'm going to ask the counselor about cheap forgiveness. I mean I get it (at least I think). I just can't continue to be bitter about it if we plan on forgiveness cause that will not work. If I forgive I lay out new rules, boundaries etc that should be followed. I don't really have to do this cause she has surprisingly already done it. I thought she was nutty when I uncovered this. But really, I think between her parents and what she had held in for so long it made her crazy. Seems like she's a little more at peace with herself coming out with everything and not holding anymore in.

 

And if I do have a bad trigger day and bring something up she is always there to say "sorry you feel that way please let me know if there's anything I can do". I appreciate the advice from both of you. I definitely don't want to say this is cheap forgiveness. I'll definitely bring this up in our next discussion in MC.

[jm2013]

JM I see our stories have a lot in common.

 

I understand where you are coming from on 99% of what your saying.

 

What I'm talking about rugsweeping isn't as much about the affair, but moreso excusing her actions as reactions of your own. Our therapist pointed this out to me. Basically he was saying that I was tricking myself into minimizing by over stating my actions as the root cause. When he first told me that I was like "WTF". As I thought about that it made tons of sense. Ok, she had the affair and there is nothing you can do to control that, however if you convince yourself that it was a reaction to your actions which you can control means that by acting different you can control if she cheats again. I hope I got that point across. I'm not great at getting my point across via written word.

 

I completely understand what you're trying to say. I made sure my wife understood my actions did not green light an affair or sentence me to that. I've changed a lot since then and crushed bad habits. But like you said, if I went back to some of those would she go out and find another guy? We have much more communication now that we were missing.

 

She's definitely more assertive now and getting how she feels off her chest. Before I'd just leave and nothing was said. It was weird and just held in for her to go vent to other people about. But I think that was the point you were trying to make. I did make it a point to her that if this EVER happens again or if I even catch her talking to this guy again, we are done. I really hope she understand that.

[waterwoman]

Forgiveness is a very loaded word. It implies (to me) that everything is wiped clean. IME I havent been able to do that as yet. There are still times when the horror at what he did, the anger, the shock, bubbles up inside me. I dont know how long that will last, but it is much rarer than it was. What I have found is that although this still happens I am able to take a deep breath and say to myself 'Yes, it stinks, but that was then and this is now. Let it go' and I don't strike out at hime as a result. I am also aware that the man he was then isn't the same as the man as he is now.

[katielee]

I can't forgive his 2nd affair. But, it doesn't seem to bother me. I just live with it. That's all we can do -live with it and incorporate it into our life as something shi11y that happened, whether we stay with them or not.

[dichotomy]

My wife and I never had a better relationship.

 

 

 

We have been attending church weekly and finding God has made things easier to deal with and ease the pain. There's one thing I haven't done yet but am planning on doing. While my actions are showing that I have forgiven my wife I have not verbally told her I have forgiven her. She has forgiven me for past events and still loves me too..

 

 

All appears great - except this. What's the block?

 

If you are Christian (assume) religious and have asked and been given forgiveness for your sins - you know forgiveness should be offered her. Please understand what forgiveness is and is not from a religious perspective. Suggest you read the book "when forgiveness does not make sense"

[DKT3]

All appears great - except this. What's the block?

 

If you are Christian (assume) religious and have asked and been given forgiveness for your sins - you know forgiveness should be offered her. Please understand what forgiveness is and is not from a religious perspective. Suggest you read the book "when forgiveness does not make sense"

 

I can't speak for JM, but my issue with saying "I forgive you" is like saying I'm ok with what she has done. I know intellectually this is wrong, emotionally I'm just not there yet.

 

I was talking to my mother just the other day about this and she said "holding on to this is like drinking posion and waiting for the other person to die". Its likely doing more damage to me at this point.

[dichotomy]

I can't speak for JM, but my issue with saying "I forgive you" is like saying I'm ok with what she has done. I know intellectually this is wrong, emotionally I'm just not there yet.

 

I was talking to my mother just the other day about this and she said "holding on to this is like drinking posion and waiting for the other person to die". Its likely doing more damage to me at this point.

 

 

Oh boy as a BH do I understand this. Since OP has brought up religion into this I am only following that idea. That book I read (when forgiveness doesn't make sense) after dDay and other things my wife did, was so helpful to me.

 

I posted on this before and cant find the old post. So here is a link which covers some of the same topics as this book.

 

10 Things Forgiveness Is Not | Mars Hill Church

 

basically forgiving does not mean forgetting - or approving - or denying - and it may mean forgiving over and over again. It sucks and is one of the hardest concepts in my belief system. But there are many (selfish) reasons for forgiving that have to do with me and you - and not our betrayers as you mention one of these (your mom is a wise woman).

Edited July 30, 2014 by dichotomy

[HermioneG]

I accept, I don't forgive. That is what gives me peace. Some things don't have to be forgiven, but they also don't have to be a factor in your life after they are processed and healed.

 

I worried a long time about forgiveness, because the standard advice was "forgive for what it does for you".

 

Nah.

 

I am far more peaceful by not trying to forgive, but to do the work and move forward. It may have something to do with my non religious worldview. I believe we don't get absolution for sins, and that is why our actions and impacts on others must be carefully considered.

[jm2013]

Forgiveness is a very loaded word. It implies (to me) that everything is wiped clean. IME I havent been able to do that as yet. There are still times when the horror at what he did, the anger, the shock, bubbles up inside me. I dont know how long that will last, but it is much rarer than it was. What I have found is that although this still happens I am able to take a deep breath and say to myself 'Yes, it stinks, but that was then and this is now. Let it go' and I don't strike out at hime as a result. I am also aware that the man he was then isn't the same as the man as he is now.

 

See, this is where I'm at. If I tell my wife those three words "I forgive you" I don't want to bring this up again. Our marriage is on drive and not reverse. While we'll be living by new guidelines and will always remember, I don't want to lash out at her and hold the past against her. Like if we have a dry spell of no sex and I take a jab "Are you with x or doing x" etc..

 

All appears great - except this. What's the block?

 

If you are Christian (assume) religious and have asked and been given forgiveness for your sins - you know forgiveness should be offered her. Please understand what forgiveness is and is not from a religious perspective. Suggest you read the book "when forgiveness does not make sense"

 

Yes, I'm Christian. The holdup is just me being able to utter those words and mean it. I don't want to continue digging this up in the future. I just want to put this in the rear view and only look in it very seldom and put the marriage in drive. I'm trying to get better with the forgiveness part regularly attending church and both of us growing our faith daily. It has surely helped us both.

[Red123]

Jm although I am not a religious person I too am wanting to forgive. I too want to move forward and have this new relationship we are working on. I feel the fear of forgiveness and that it makes all the bad washed away. I don't view it in the that it absolves the A or makes it go away and swept under the rug. I feel that people do make mistakes and someone who works to make up for it deserves a second chance. I wouldn't give a third but one chance to make up for it, I'm willing. Sometimes I think when we are in R so much time and focus is on the A that even the BS needs it to end and have hope again. This is just how I feel for me and maybe just for today(I doubt it because I'm feeling so much better). My H is working so hard I want to give him forgiveness and I want it too for my part of our relationship breaking down long before he ever had an A.

[jm2013]

Jm although I am not a religious person I too am wanting to forgive. I too want to move forward and have this new relationship we are working on. I feel the fear of forgiveness and that it makes all the bad washed away. I don't view it in the that it absolves the A or makes it go away and swept under the rug. I feel that people do make mistakes and someone who works to make up for it deserves a second chance. I wouldn't give a third but one chance to make up for it, I'm willing. Sometimes I think when we are in R so much time and focus is on the A that even the BS needs it to end and have hope again. This is just how I feel for me and maybe just for today(I doubt it because I'm feeling so much better). My H is working so hard I want to give him forgiveness and I want it too for my part of our relationship breaking down long before he ever had an A.

 

Yeah, I think some people on here look at forgiveness differently. I hope you too are able to find forgiveness in your heart and just move forward with your M. I like you am sick of cycling the A over and over. This has pretty much gone away. I cannot change the past. In a crazy turn of events my wife has worked extremely hard in proving she really does love me and reassures me this would never in a million years happen again. I don't want to be naive here cause I know what she has done and what she's capable of. But I do believe people change. I used to be that guy. I changed so it's not unreasonable to think other people have that same capability.

 

I can only now go by what she says and analyze her actions as an indicator of how our future might be and if she's sincere in her apologies and wanting to be forgiven. At any rate, I'd hope my forgiveness for what she has done is the ultimate display of love. Any BS who can forgive these types of events I believe may make some WS's realize how much they were really loved and never want to do it again. At least in my situation this whole mess has made us grow up fast. And not having her parents dictate every aspect of her life has made my marriage 1000x better. I finally got her to realize how messed up that was and even had it confirmed by multiple counselors. When you have a counselor tell you he's not seen anything like that in his 20 + years of practice you know there's a big problem.

 

We no longer have her family stuffing their noses in our marriage like they used to or friends who are sending their shrapnel from their own lives into our marriage. We've been working as a team and understanding of each other which is rebuilding trust, happiness and making a future neither of us could have ever imagined could have happened. As time passes I hope we hold on to this. She says this is never going away so only time will tell I suppose. She has worked much harder but I am also trying to change many of the bad habits I initially carried in the infancy of our marriage.

Edited July 30, 2014 by jm2013

[suckerpunch55]

I am so pleased for you and your wife and it has given me a few things to think about as I'm in the same situation as you. Don't think I'm ready to say I trust my wife just yet as I don't want to say something that I don't mean 100%. Good luck to you and your wife.

[jm2013]

I am so pleased for you and your wife and it has given me a few things to think about as I'm in the same situation as you. Don't think I'm ready to say I trust my wife just yet as I don't want to say something that I don't mean 100%. Good luck to you and your wife.

 

Thank you. I wish the best of luck to you and hope you're able to find peace and resolve to your problems soon.