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Should I tell my husband about my affair?


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Old 13th September 2004, 1:03 PM   #1
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Should I tell my husband about my affair?

I have had an affair on my husband. I know my excuses are in excusable. It was with my neighbor who my husband knows very well. My affair was not about sex it was about having someone there to love and support me. I married into a family. I became an instant mom and my husband changed careers and I pretty much became a single mom. I was lonely and my neighbor ended up being the only one there. I fell in love with him. I wanted to spend my life with him. I thought he was my soul mate.

Well needless to say the stress of having an affair scared my neighbor away and he moved on very quickly. It hurt but in the end I know my actions were wrong in the first place and I got what I deserved.

I wanted to tell my husband about the affair because I could not live with myself knowing what I did. My neighbor said that is a bad idea and we would just end up hurting people. He said what they don't know won't hurt them. I am scared and feel very lonely. I know I should have been worried about hurting my husband before I made the choices I did but I didn't and know I am stuck. I have been very selfish. I have learned a lot from this and I will never do this again. So far I have stayed in my marraige because of the kids. I am the only mom they know. My husband and I are working on our issues and he is changing careers to be home more. I don't know if our marraige will last or not but shouldn't my husband know that he is married to a terrible person?
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Old 13th September 2004, 1:11 PM   #2
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Would you want your husband to tell you if he had an affair?
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Old 13th September 2004, 1:12 PM   #3
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I think before you say anything you need to figure out why EXACTLY you did this. Just because your husband isn't always around when you want/need him? My gosh - I think if this is true, you need to look into who you are and get yourself help and make yourself happy. Go to counseling and get to the bottom of your issues. It's not your husbands fault that he's trying to provide for his family. You were wrong to go outside the relationship for something you weren't getting within. You should have communicated with your H.

What's done is done. First you need to get counseling, then tell your husband the whole truth, and if he wishes to remain married, then get couples counseling. Your not a "terrible person" as we all are only human and we all make mistakes. It's how and what your learn from those mistakes that can make all the difference.
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Old 13th September 2004, 1:15 PM   #4
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A thought

Hello,

You are not a terrible person but you did engage in terrible actions whereby you betrayed your husband and put his health at risk. For your marriage to succeed you need to have honesty in your relationship with your husband. Will he be hurt? Of course he will but hopefully it will be a step in regaining honesty and recovery in your marriage. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?
Your OM does not what to have you tell because he does not wish to suffer from the consequences of his actions. He used you and then has moved on to probably continue these type of actions with others.
Hopefully you will be honest with your husband and then go into marriage counseling. The bottom line is that if you do not have truth and honesty in your marriage then you really have nothing and are indeed continuing to disrespect and humiliate your husband. You are asking is it better to be truthful or continue to be untruthful. I think you down deep know what the correct answer is and that is to be truthful. I wish you luck.
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Old 13th September 2004, 1:24 PM   #5
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Yes you need to tell him, but you also have to tell him why. Once he gets over the initial anger, shock, etc.. Then talk about counseling. It's going to come out one way or another. Also, please check my link in my signature. It will help you out.
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Old 13th September 2004, 1:25 PM   #6
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Hi Joyce,

I'm sorry that you had to find this board, but I am happy that you are here. Welcome.

Should you tell your husband? Yes. He deserves to know, and he will find out one way or another. Better that it comes from you than being humiliated by a near-stranger.

"What they don't know won't hurt them" I think this is a truly ignorant and silly saying. The fact is, he is hurting already. Someplace in his sub-conscious, he knows that things are not right, and that there is a new dynamic to his dealings with you. I am sure that he suspects what you have done, but is unwilling to face it, so goes on feeling faint stirrings in his gut, and being mostly miserable about it.

You feel tremendous guilt. And you should. Do not be naive and believe that you are hiding it that well 24/7. Your feelings affect every aspect of your life with your husband and your children. They are more perceptive than you think. They don't know the cause, but they do know something is up with mom.

I am happy to hear that he is changing jobs, and so can spend more time with his family; this is a step in the right direction. In order to repair the damage however, he MUST know the whole extent of it.

From a man who has been cheated on, your only real chance is to come clean, and enthusiastically try to prove to him your love.

I wish you luck!
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Old 13th September 2004, 3:31 PM   #7
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In a word - yes.
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Old 13th September 2004, 3:35 PM   #8
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It depends. Knowing what I do now, I would only break that news if I wanted to end the relationship, for good.
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Old 13th September 2004, 3:49 PM   #9
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Once again
Max agrees with Mr. Spock. The rule is never tell. Even if they have pictures. It wasn't you.

And Mr. Spock? Max would be in love with you if you didn't have that whole alien lookin' thing going on.
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Old 13th September 2004, 3:53 PM   #10
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"What's done is done. First you need to get counseling, then tell your husband the whole truth, and if he wishes to remain married, then get couples counseling. Your not a "terrible person" as we all are only human and we all make mistakes. It's how and what your learn from those mistakes that can make all the difference."

Ditto. You need to work out your issues. When you are in a better state emotionally you can tell him. You are not a terrible person, you need to realize that.
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Old 13th September 2004, 3:59 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally posted by Breathe
I think before you say anything you need to figure out why EXACTLY you did this. Just because your husband isn't always around when you want/need him? My gosh - I think if this is true, you need to look into who you are and get yourself help and make yourself happy. Go to counseling and get to the bottom of your issues. It's not your husbands fault that he's trying to provide for his family. You were wrong to go outside the relationship for something you weren't getting within. You should have communicated with your H.

Really?

I wonder if he communicated with her that after they married he was going to get a new job and leave HER to take care of HIS kids.

Now who's been betrayed as well? No, her actions are not excusable for any reason, but neither are his. She's not a damn babysitter, she's his wife.
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Old 13th September 2004, 4:13 PM   #12
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I don't think you should, here's why

I don't think you should tell your husband about the affair and here is why (I've left what I think is the most important reason for last)

* You have learned a lot from this and will never do it again.
* Your husband and you are working on your issues.
* Your husband is changing careers to be home more.
* The kids. You and your husband are adults and you married into an "instant family" yet to the (innocent) kids you are the only mom they know and like it or not I believe your first priority should be their well being and that means staying their mom.

If you tell your husband about your affair he'd probably be emotionally impacted. Who knows how the kids would be affected by any resulting additional turmoil in your marriage.

You and your husband are taking steps to address issues, changes are being made it sounds like he is trying to make things better for you too. Of course you don't know if the marriage will last but good marriages aren't built in a day and sometimes they go through rough spots before getting better or even good.

Bringing the affair out in the open is going to hurt a lot of people and quite possibly hurt the kids who have come to see you as the only mom they know. I say take the knowledge of it to your grave and never, ever mention it to anyone.
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Old 13th September 2004, 5:29 PM   #13
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Well said Craig. Why do you want to hurt your family and friends? You did it, you deal with your guilt, regret, and remorse on your own. Be nice to your husband if it makes you feel better.
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Old 13th September 2004, 5:33 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally posted by Max Zoom
Once again
Max agrees with Mr. Spock. The rule is never tell. Even if they have pictures. It wasn't you.

And Mr. Spock? Max would be in love with you if you didn't have that whole alien lookin' thing going on.
Awwww. Mr Spock feels all warm and tingly.
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Old 13th September 2004, 5:35 PM   #15
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PS-Feeling like a bag of sh*t and never doing it again are much different, especially since your neighbour dumped YOU and ran to the hills. You'll need to fix what is wrong in your marriage, otherwise you WILL do it again. Can you do that without telling? Not sure. Only you know that.
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