Getting past reminders

[18July]

Hello. New member here.

 

So, just to get it out of the way, I made the biggest mistake ever by being unfaithful for the past year. My wife knows and is amazing for sticking by me and trying to work through it. I don’t need to get in details of what happened, but I feel beyond awful and will never let anything like this happen again (I know you’ve heard it all before). Putting her through this, it kills me... But anyways, we’re doing a great job so far, I’d say. We’ve been a couple for 10 years in June. It’s only been 2 months since she found out, but she still has moments where she can’t get past the dishonesty.

 

When I confessed, I told her every single detail, even the painful ones, just so she wouldn’t have to question those details and wonder certain things. I felt it was best to know them versus her coming up with her own interpretations. I really want to help her, but I feel that we’re now at a point where when she tells me she’s having a rough time, that I can no longer help… We’ve read blogs, articles, and don’t feel we need actual marriage counseling (we’re trying to save for a new house right now and have an 11 month old son. We’ve taken tests and done a lot of reading and talking). We usually have very good days when we’re together; laughing, flirting, very frequent intercourse, it’s just these moments when she’s alone where thoughts conjure up that she has trouble moving past. It’s hard to describe exactly what thoughts she’s conflicted with, because we’ve discussed the “whys” to death. It’s just the reminders that she can’t get past: Seeing a certain type of car, seeing a picture of us from the past year and remembering where we were at the time, the name of the other person,etc…

 

I hate that this happened and I’m eternally grateful that she’s still with me, working with me and still loves me. Trust is being worked on, but it’s only been two months so it’s nothing I can expect at the moment, but everything else is great. She is my best friend, and I hurt her. I just want to try and help her now, in these tough times and not let her hurt with the reminders anymore. Does anyone have any techniques to help her cope? Move on? Deal with them? I hate feeling helpless. All I can provide are hugs and reassurance. Thanks everyone.

[harrybrown]

There are some on here that may be a great help to you.

 

Hopefully Janedoe will visit and give you some ideas.

 

Put yourself in her place. It is good that you are truthful and transparent.

 

No more lies and secrets. You put effort in the affair, so now put more effort into your marriage. What can you do to show her she is not your backup plan?

 

She is hurt and when she is hurt, ask her what can you do to fix this. Your actions will be very important. You have a wonderful brain and can do something to show her how you feel. You know her better than we do, so think hard and show her with your efforts.

 

Good luck with your marriage, I do hope for your family and kids that you can help your wife heal.

[18July]

Thanks for the quick reply!

 

Yes, no secrets at all from here on out. I'm an open book and even little thoughts like, "so and so (random, irrelevant person) was in a dream last night", is out there.

 

I feel more invested than I have ever been and all of my focus, 100% is on her (well, I do have a baby, so some attention is on him as well lol). She has acknowledged all of my efforts lately and says I've been doing good. I don't open up as much as she wants right now, even about little things, but it's something I'm working on. All a work in progress.

 

I'll be looking forward to more tips and help from the other members here about healing from the reminders!

[snappytomcat]

my dday was last june,so my year will be coming up,and we are doing well,but sometimes I still get triggered,its going to take a while,and you just need to be patient,and if she has questions even months down the road,dont get mad at her,just answer them.

I really do think you should go to counseling,i think your marriage is worth it don't you?

I don't think I would be where iam at now,in my recovery,and healing if it wasn't for our counselor,shes helped so much,and I was very hesitant at first,cause I didn't even know if I really wanted to save our marriage,after such a huge betrayal,but my husband begged,so I went and not with an open mind either,but after the 3rd session,i was already feeling a tad better.

and I hope you went absolutely no contact with the ow,affairs are awful many people get hurt,kids,bs.

there are a few grieving stages,the last being acceptance,thats where im at,it hasn't been an easy road,and I don't excuse my husband at all for what he did,it was wrong,he knows this too,but in order for me to move on and be happy,i have to accept that he did this awful thing.

good luck to you

[dichotomy]

"I am sorry" or a hug or a touch......for another two months, another 2 years, and even another two decades - and when ever this happens to her. It will take time, and the frequency will be less, and less severe, but you got a long road.

 

It sounds like you are really trying and care - but lets see if you got the endurance and perseverance for it.

 

As I asked my therapist once "what words ,what events, what pills, will help me get over this???!!".....therapist responds "time - as much as is right for you".

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It's part of the process for your wife. Unfortunately it won't get any better any time soon. Just 2 months in your wife is just starting to wrap her head around what you have done to her and the marriage. The full brunt of the affair probably hasn't hit her yet. You said that your affair was for a year. She might spend the first year playing the mind-voice of "What were they doing this time last year?" type of questions in her head.

 

Dealing with triggers is one of the hardest parts of R. It wears down the BS. For me, I removed everything from the house that could remind me of the affair. Pictures, mementos, furniture, clothing, etc were packed up or given away. Avoid movies, tv shows, or anything that might reference adultery. I didn't realize how much affairs are referenced in pop culture until it became a trigger. I was very fortunate that when I learned of the affair we had moved far away from the town where she had the affair. I think living in the same town/home would be extra difficult. Several counselors advised me on techniques to deal with triggers; none of them really worked.

 

The mind-movies and mind-voices will drive your wife to the brink. You both have to grind through it. Adultery is the gift that keeps on giving. You did this to her, so you need to be patient and supportive anyway she wants you to be.

[Fluttershy]

OP, I am a BW (betrayed W) whose husband confessed to his PA ( physical affair). His honesty and owning his actions in the end were whay saved our marrige. But as far as triggers go all you can do is be there for your wife. Those are hers to deal with and it sucks because you know it is your fault and you want to fix it. Never tell her to get over it. Work on staying patient. That is pretty mch all you can do.

 

For me I found myself stuck in a loop at bedtime going over everything in my head. Things i already knew so it was past the helpful stage. So I started visualizig a stop sign and snapping a hair elastic on my wrist when I would realize my mind was sucking me down. Then I would focus on thigs unrelayed to the affair like my children or favorite book. The less I dwelled the less over time I triggered. But it takes a long time. The average they say is 2-5 years. H and I were faster than that but that first year dragged.

 

I wish you well.

[violet1]

I think you should consider MC because if the A gets rug swept at all, the two of you won't be able to get passed it completely. I'm also the WS. My first D Day was in January. Then about a month or so ago I was stupid and broke NC and saw the exMM. I confessed and had my 2nd D Day. We are working through it. Some days are better than others. If you ever get tempted to break NC tell your W immediately. It's going to take time for your W to trust you again. Give her whatever she needs as long as she needs it. I reassure my H a lot and it seems to help him. Time, time and more time. I wish you luck!

[Catwoman13]

Hello. New member here.

 

So, just to get it out of the way, I made the biggest mistake ever by being unfaithful for the past year. My wife knows and is amazing for sticking by me and trying to work through it. I don’t need to get in details of what happened, but I feel beyond awful and will never let anything like this happen again (I know you’ve heard it all before). Putting her through this, it kills me... But anyways, we’re doing a great job so far, I’d say. We’ve been a couple for 10 years in June. It’s only been 2 months since she found out, but she still has moments where she can’t get past the dishonesty.

 

When I confessed, I told her every single detail, even the painful ones, just so she wouldn’t have to question those details and wonder certain things. I felt it was best to know them versus her coming up with her own interpretations. I really want to help her, but I feel that we’re now at a point where when she tells me she’s having a rough time, that I can no longer help… We’ve read blogs, articles, and don’t feel we need actual marriage counseling (we’re trying to save for a new house right now and have an 11 month old son. We’ve taken tests and done a lot of reading and talking). We usually have very good days when we’re together; laughing, flirting, very frequent intercourse, it’s just these moments when she’s alone where thoughts conjure up that she has trouble moving past. It’s hard to describe exactly what thoughts she’s conflicted with, because we’ve discussed the “whys” to death. It’s just the reminders that she can’t get past: Seeing a certain type of car, seeing a picture of us from the past year and remembering where we were at the time, the name of the other person,etc…

 

I hate that this happened and I’m eternally grateful that she’s still with me, working with me and still loves me. Trust is being worked on, but it’s only been two months so it’s nothing I can expect at the moment, but everything else is great. She is my best friend, and I hurt her. I just want to try and help her now, in these tough times and not let her hurt with the reminders anymore. Does anyone have any techniques to help her cope? Move on? Deal with them? I hate feeling helpless. All I can provide are hugs and reassurance. Thanks everyone.

 

 

I'm glad you've seen what a mistake you made but the thing is, why do people think it's ok to cheat - until they've been found out? If you thought it wasn't ok to cheat and still cheated, you did so because you thought you could get away with it. I'm glad that you want to change and are making moves and noises in the right direction, and I'm also glad that so many have posted to offer messages of support for what appears to be a "new man" really wanting to make a change. I just find your post overall quite glib and factual, and sounds to me like you are trying to still convince yourself that you are a good guy. You cheated. You crossed that line already. You are now acting from a place of guilt. That will be what is needed, for a time. But I just hope you are able to act from a place of love so that when you feel less guilty you won't ever be tempted again, you won't have forgotten. I mean, that's how cheats cheat in the first place is it not? They "forget" about the hurt it will cause - until it's too late.

[William]

She is my best friend, and I hurt her. I just want to try and help her now, in these tough times and not let her hurt with the reminders anymore. Does anyone have any techniques to help her cope? Move on? Deal with them? I hate feeling helpless. All I can provide are hugs and reassurance. Thanks everyone.

 

As the focus of LoveShack is to engage and not preach, straight from our administrator's keyboard, I cleaned up all the preaching and did a bit of administrative action and re-posted the action words for further consideration by the membership. 'Techniques to help her cope. Move on. Deal with it'

 

All preaching will do is get you suspended or banned. Hope we can help the thread starter out. Thanks!

[jnel921]

As a BS it takes time to process all of what has happened and adjust to the changes to come. The goal is to strengthen the M and rebuild trust. We have our moments.... But the hugs and sincere apologies mean a lot.

 

There is no time limit as to when it gets better...eventually with time it will.

 

Good luck to you.