Told AP's girlfriend. Feeling terrible.

[FeelingLikeAnIdiot]

I told AP's girlfriend about us and now I'm feeling terrible, hypocritical, and devastated that I essentially just lost my best friend too. He is beyond mad, deleted me from fb, and blocked my phone number. I can't say I blame him but I feel devastated all the same. Anyone else tell the OW/OM? And how did it work out in the end? Any advice on what to do/expect?

[stillafool]

Well at least you know how he feels about you now. I hope you are going to leave him alone now that he has thrown you under the bus. He's a cheater and I hope his gf breaks up with him.

[harrybrown]

You did the right thing.

 

If this is the reaction, was this really going to be a long-term relationship?

 

Do you have a SO? Have you told them about it or are you single?

[Davey L]

I also think he did the right thing. Certainly I would do the same if I was in the same situation as him and AP told my wife. The wife always comes first, and I would have to act fast and decisively, and be seen to be doing so, to try to keep her. Sorry but that's how it is.

[FeelingLikeAnIdiot]

I'm actually married (hence the hypocritical part). It's a very long, bizarre, and complicated affair story but H knows about it.

 

I know I should leave him alone and know this should be the NC that needs to happen. But it's like an addiction that I can't shake. And for some reason I still deeply care that I've hurt him. Ugh.

[FeelingLikeAnIdiot]

Davey, they had only been dating for a couple months. Our A had been going on the entire time.

[whichwayisup]

I told AP's girlfriend about us and now I'm feeling terrible, hypocritical, and devastated that I essentially just lost my best friend too. He is beyond mad, deleted me from fb, and blocked my phone number. I can't say I blame him but I feel devastated all the same. Anyone else tell the OW/OM? And how did it work out in the end? Any advice on what to do/expect?

 

What did you expect to happen when you told her? That she would break up with him and then he'd come to you full time?

 

You knew going in he had a girlfriend and still chose to be with him. Seems he had no plans on ending it with you or her, a guy sitting in the middle, having two women to meet his needs.

 

You can choose to think it's the best thing that it's over now so you can grieve the loss and find a guy who will love only you or you can try to get him back. I hope you let go and see that you're free of roller coaster.

[stillafool]

I'm actually married (hence the hypocritical part). It's a very long, bizarre, and complicated affair story but H knows about it.

 

I know I should leave him alone and know this should be the NC that needs to happen. But it's like an addiction that I can't shake. And for some reason I still deeply care that I've hurt him. Ugh.

 

I think you should tell this to your husband. I think he can help you break this addiction.

[Spark1111]

I think you should tell this to your husband. I think he can help you break this addiction.

 

Good advice!

 

Well what you are feeling I think is completely normal no matter how horrible you feel.

 

And feeling horrible is probably a natural consequence of telling the truth regarding your actions and his.

 

he is angry he is now caught and must face consequences, or lie his way out of them to his SO.

 

He blames you for telling her; not himself for betraying her.

 

big difference.

 

you still did the right thing, and now maybe IT IS TIME for your H to become your best friend.

 

That is how it is SUPPOSE to be in a healthy marriage.

[FeelingLikeAnIdiot]

I guess I should be a little more clear on the background. Our A has been going on for 2 years. They only dated a couple months. No I did not expect him to run to me at all. I just felt like she had a right to know.

 

Stillafool....I have talked to H about it. He had an A of his own and so he knows the ups and downs that go along with it.

[Clay]

Are you staying with your husband?

 

If you both had affairs why are you still together? Sounds like neither one of you you is happy.

 

Clay

[fellini]

So for two years it was okay for you to keep an A from your H, but this girl deserves to know what her new BF is doing with you now?

 

You think maybe if your H didn't know about your A you might not have felt so obliged to tell the GF?

 

Or let's see. Let's say your H didnt know about the 2 year affair. Your AP decides he really likes this new GF and they decide together to call your H.

How do you feel about that?

 

Isn't really just bthat spite has dictated actions rather than genuine concern?

 

I guess I should be a little more clear on the background. Our A has been going on for 2 years. They only dated a couple months. No I did not expect him to run to me at all. I just felt like she had a right to know.

 

Stillafool....I have talked to H about it. He had an A of his own and so he knows the ups and downs that go along with it.

[stillafool]

I guess I should be a little more clear on the background. Our A has been going on for 2 years. They only dated a couple months. No I did not expect him to run to me at all. I just felt like she had a right to know.

 

Stillafool....I have talked to H about it. He had an A of his own and so he knows the ups and downs that go along with it.

 

So because you have been cheating on your husband for 2 years you thought it was only fair that you tell her this because she's only been with him a couple of months? I guess when you are a single and free woman like her she can do whatever she wants. What was your purpose in telling her?

[not-so-sure]

So for two years it was okay for you to keep an A from your H, but this girl deserves to know what her new BF is doing with you now?

 

You think maybe if your H didn't know about your A you might not have felt so obliged to tell the GF?

 

Or let's see. Let's say your H didnt know about the 2 year affair. Your AP decides he really likes this new GF and they decide together to call your H.

How do you feel about that?

 

Isn't really just bthat spite has dictated actions rather than genuine concern?

 

I think you missed the bit where her husband DOES know.

 

But notwithstanding that, I see two themes about exposure played out in this thread.

 

1. The betrayed person deserves to know.

2. The motive must be pure.

 

How can these be reconciled? Why is it important the motive must be pure?

 

I guess from the OPs point of view the circumstances around doing so are more from spite. But from the other girls perspective, what does it matter? She's now armed with the information she "deserves" to know?

 

The only thing that OP lives with now is that she meddled in someone else's relationship. And that's probably not going to be too productive for her.

[whichwayisup]

Just a guess? You maybe were extremely jealous that he got a gf while having an A with you so this is also why you told her, in hope she'll dump him and he'll just be with you. It is unfair and not cool because you are married, not leaving or divorcing your husband. Your OM is single and can do as he pleases.

 

Do you and your H still have sex? Sleep in the same bed? Live life together? Have kids to think of? If yes, then why is it that you can continue to stay married and live your life yet your OM can't? You interfered in his life, for what reason? Please be honest with yourself, first and foremost.

[A.Moscote]

You've done the right thing, hopefully with the right intention as well, by informing your AP's GF. At least now she knows that she's been deceived all along.

That's the harsh truth about doing the right thing, it doesn't necessarily makes you feel better.

 

Now what to expect? Well if he's the kind of guy who doesn't mind dating someone's wife for two years then expect him to come back after you, no matter what his other R turn out to be.

At that time, it will be your choice again which path to choose.

 

Hopefully you will be able to resolve the issues within your M, and make it an honest and satisfying one.

[BetrayedH]

You did do the right thing. She did deserve to know the truth. If you want to rebuild your sense of self-worth, keep doing the right thing. It's usually not complicated to figure out the right thing to do; it's just difficult to follow- thru. But when you keep doing the right thing, regardless of the difficulty, it's only a matter of time before you're proud of who you are.

[FeelingLikeAnIdiot]

Can intentions ever be 100% pure in such a highly emotional situation? I don't know about that. But I do think my intentions were good. Not based out of spite or jealousy as some have mentioned. If those were my motivating factors, wouldn't I have told her two months ago? And it isn't as if we had broken up and I decided to tell her...he was in fact texting me that he missed me while I was writing her the letter. I have told him from the beginning that she at least had a right to know about me and then she could make the decision on whether to stay with him or not. Repeatedly he would tell me that if things happened again, he would tell her. And he never would. All the while telling me how much he loved me, mind you.

 

Yes, my H knows. There was never a DDay per se since I was honest and upfront since the very beginning. I'm not looking for marriage advice and do not need to hear the A is wrong...I'm aware of that. I never forced H to stay with me...that was his decision alone. I've been the WS but I've also been the BS and I think that the one thing that bothers me the most was that I found out everything after the fact. That my H wasn't honest with me about everything when the affair started.

 

I hope that sheds a little light on the reasons for telling her. I appreciate the constructive advice and encouragement.

[thummper]

And how does your husband feel about all this? WHY is he still your husband?

[fellini]

No I didnt miss that bit at all.

 

That's why I asked, if her H DID NOT KNOW would she have done this.

 

And you can TRY AS YOU LIKE to put words into my mouth, but I did not say anything about the GF needing to know. I question entirely the integrity of the OP in coming off as a "saviour" and having a new found consciousness about the "need to know". Nothing more. But read into what you wish.

 

I think you missed the bit where her husband DOES know.

 

But notwithstanding that, I see two themes about exposure played out in this thread.

 

1. The betrayed person deserves to know.

2. The motive must be pure.

 

How can these be reconciled? Why is it important the motive must be pure?

 

I guess from the OPs point of view the circumstances around doing so are more from spite. But from the other girls perspective, what does it matter? She's now armed with the information she "deserves" to know?

 

The only thing that OP lives with now is that she meddled in someone else's relationship. And that's probably not going to be too productive for her.

[not-so-sure]

No I didnt miss that bit at all.

 

That's why I asked, if her H DID NOT KNOW would she have done this.

 

And you can TRY AS YOU LIKE to put words into my mouth, but I did not say anything about the GF needing to know. I question entirely the integrity of the OP in coming off as a "saviour" and having a new found consciousness about the "need to know". Nothing more. But read into what you wish.

 

Well, something got right up your nose then.

 

The rest of my comment was my own thoughts about the thread and exposure in general. Yes. Your comment fed into my own thoughts as expressed but it wasn't meant to rile you up. Which it clearly did. Go back and read it when the red mist settles. I don't see how I could possibly be seen as putting words in your mouth.

 

I guess we both made some ASSUMPTIONS that made us both look like ASSES.

[compulsivedancer]

I'm confused. I think we needed more info in your first post.

 

Correct anything here that's wrong, please:

You are married. Your H had an A. You decided to start sleeping with another man, but told your H FIRST. He decided to stay with you.

 

Your OM was single (?) during your relationship (however you classify it), up until 2 months ago, when he began cheating on you without telling his OW. As of you telling her, you and OM were still together.

 

Did I get anything wrong here?

 

Okay, assuming I got everything right, here's how I see it:

 

This is a grey area I have never considered before. If your H gave you permission, it's not an affair. But if he only tacitly gave you permission, I'm not sure WHAT to call it. It sounds like you have a one-sided open relationship that your H does not want (?)

 

If I got that right....this is not really an affair, but it IS very unhealthy. Why would you want to be in a relationship where you are actively making him (making each other?) miserable. (Again, if he's okay with this and not unhappy, totally different story).

 

As far as your OM. He was cheating on you. It's totally okay for you to tell the girl. If he was going to date the girl, he needed to either break up with you or disclose his relationship with you prior to dating her.

 

Again, odd grey area, however. If you agreed to him dating, then he was in an open relationship with you (not cheating). His obligation to the girl was to disclose the relationship and let her make up her own mind. In which case, you were still in the right to tell her (he had two months to disclose that he was in a relationship and didn't!)

 

Aaah! My mind is all tangled up. I think we need Oldshirt to weigh in on this one...he's our resident open relationship guy.

 

I think you might get more useful advise posting in a swingers forum, or open relationship forum, if those exist. (Cuckold forum, since your H seems to fall into this category?)

 

I imagine the complexity of your situation will be challenging for many on this forum, since it's only sort of related to what most people here are going through.

Edited April 23, 2014 by compulsivedancer

[oldshirt]

 

I think we need Oldshirt to weigh in on this one...he's our resident open relationship guy.

.

 

 

 

Not really.

 

 

My background is swinging, not open marriages. And even if I do address something in terms of swinging/open M, I only support it if it is consensual by all parties and is reasonably legit.

 

 

This is just drama by people behaving badly. No interest in thread.