TheSukiway Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 How does one begin, We are both from very conservative backgrounds and we have been married for over 12 years have children. Only last week I got a call out of the blue from someone claiming to be a wife of a man that had a intense relationship with my wife when they were teenagers for over 5 years, and it only broke up because his family didn't see eye to eye with hers. He got married to someone else quickly as a result of family pressure and left my wife a broken heart. My wife never told me anything, nor did I ask ,as anything before was not my business. I always thought she had the most beautiful but saddest eyes I had ever seen. So I started checking her smartphone and foudn her talking to someone via WhatsApp and Facebook that I didn't recognize. She claimed it was her distant cousin, but I knew differently. Trouble is, she had an emotional affair before with a colleague, which only stopped when his girlfriend called us and let us know, telling us to follow her overtime... I offered her the chance to leave or stay and take a lie detector test, which told me she didn't love him nor had sexual contact but did enjoy the "Close friendship". The reason I forgave her was because I had a short emotional affair myself, which I ended on my own terms, when I thought it was going too far, and to me it was an adrenaline rush. She never knew of my emotional affair. I also recognized that there was a disconnect in our relationship of which I had to share the blame, and promised to do something about it - but I didn't. My parents and her don't exactly see eye to eye. Like before her behaviour had become erratic with extensive criticisms what I did or didn't do out of the blue. This time, I didn't lose my temper,but felt betrayed and decided to dig deeper. She often made comments which listening or watching romantic items of "You should never give your heart to no one" and "Betrayal" out of the blue, which only make sense now. This time, I asked to give me truth for the first time in our relationship, and I think she has. They were teenagers from the same neighbourhood and he was the first and only relationship they had. They were going to marry until their families fell out and pressured him to marry someone else otherwise he would be disowned. He promised her, he would only marry her no matter what, but he didn't and left her broken hearted and in tears. 2 years later she marries me. She has only told me now what happened (struggling to say it to my eyes) after his wife told me everything, what happened after lying to me constantly. He requested a friendship via Facebook and told her he was sorry and she was the only true love he had, and never got over it like my wife, and soon all they were planning to meet again after all these years at the secret rendezvous of their teenage years. Instead of erupting, I felt for her. Thanked her honesty for the first time in our relationship. and offered to help her meet him if that is what she wanted, and I meant it. For the first time in our relationship, I saw her and wanted her to be be just happy. She said otherwise, saying now since both were caught in the emotional affair, he left her again, in shifting the blame to her, when he was the one chasing. She has strong feelings for him but to her he always be a "coward." Like before I accepted my share of the blame in ignoring our relationship due to the children and the slave wage. We are closer now, and she accepts I will struggle to trust anyone again. She refuses to leave me and says she loves me, even when I offer to help her meet him again. Like I said before I see my wife now, with all her flaws and the most beautiful eyes. She admitted herself in the last few days, that I am different, and asked why didn't you look at me before? Yet the mind whirls on. What will she do when tries contacting her again? Will his sweet voice with the eternal footprint always melt away her anger at him? Or can I finally fill the cracks he left behind? I know from sources he loves her. I accept I came second and made many mistakes, and I told her I want her to be just happy and be honest with where she wants to be, regardless of the children. Taking each day as it comes and any opinions welcome Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheSukiway Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 My mother in law found out, and told my wife what she accepts now - "If he really loved you, he would have took a stance then and we would have approved for your happiness, and if he really still loved you more than anything else now -then why is he letting the fallout blame land more on you than him when he is supposedly a man now?" However when did a cruel heart ever stop someone from loving or caring? Yes only time will tell Link to post Share on other sites
Cpt Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 1. Tell your wife about the EA you had 2. Both of you go to MC and IC 3. Ask her to go NC with her ex 4. Go NC with your EA AP as well if you haven't already done so 5. Don't offer your wife to help her meet up with an AP... I bet she feels so desired by you right now coz I don't see any heartbreak from your end. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 OK...here's your mistakes, my friend. First off...you've never truly addressed her behavior from the first time. She never suffered a consequence...never learned a painful lesson then. Nor has she this time. I'm going to say this rather bluntly, so please try not to be offended but listen to the advice I'm offering. What kind of husband offers to take his wife to meet up with the man she had an emotional affair with? There's love...and then there's just being foolish. I personally think that you've gone way to far and are clearly in the latter category. You need to show her your pain, show her your anger, let her see what damage her actions have caused, and insist that she work with you to fix the damage done. By taking the route you have...you come across as weak. As needy. She knows she can treat you this way (TWICE NOW) and you'll still be there, still give her support to the point of insanity. That's not love...that's enabling. You need to set boundaries on acceptable behaviors from her. She needs to understand that what she's done has crossed a boundary...and she needs to fix it. She needs to understand those boundaries clearly, and she needs to learn to enforce them herself. She needs to understand what she has risked...twice now...and realize that there are indeed limits in what you'll accept from her. Here's the thing. A woman cannot respect a man that she can treat like a doormat and still have him there for her. A woman cannot love a man she cannot respect. Give that some real thought. I'm sure others will chime in soon as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) I also recognized that there was a disconnect in our relationship of which I had to share the blame, and promised to do something about it - but I didn't. My parents and her don't exactly see eye to eye. First, it appears that both sets of parents of the men that love her do not like her, I am guessing that this is because they do not trust her. Second, you cannot take responsibility for making your parent like her, especially if they are right in not trusting her; remember, you married her regardless of what your parents thought. This is nothing more than an excuse to allow her to shift blame for her cheating. He requested a friendship via Facebook and told her he was sorry and she was the only true love he had, and never got over it like my wife, and soon all they were planning to meet again after all these years at the secret rendezvous of their teenage years. Had his wife not found out, they were planning to take if physical. Instead of erupting, I felt for her. Thanked her honesty for the first time in our relationship. and offered to help her meet him if that is what she wanted, and I meant it. For the first time in our relationship, I saw her and wanted her to be be just happy. Why do you falsely think that it is so noble to focus only on her happiness over the happiness of you and your children? Why do you think that her happiness is more important than her honoring her marraige vows? I know from sources he loves her. I accept I came second and made many mistakes, and I told her I want her to be just happy and be honest with where she wants to be, regardless of the children. Not only is putting her happiness above the happiness of your children not noble, it is downright shameful. Edited April 25, 2014 by Try 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheSukiway Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 Try and Owl - sincere thanks and no offence taken. The point I was trying making in my initial post was that I never really loved her or tried to after we got married. She is no innocent rose but nor am I. Also another point I likely failed at getting across was where is the fun in keeping someone with threats and using the children as blackmail.....if she wants to go then go...I don't want or need anyone that doesn't want and need me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Man Mountain Makino Posted April 25, 2014 Share Posted April 25, 2014 Instead of erupting, I felt for her. Thanked her honesty for the first time in our relationship. and offered to help her meet him if that is what she wanted, and I meant it. For the first time in our relationship, I saw her and wanted her to be be just happy. She said otherwise, saying now since both were caught in the emotional affair, he left her again, in shifting the blame to her, when he was the one chasing. She has strong feelings for him but to her he always be a "coward." Gee, if he is a coward, what does she think of you chauffeuring her to see a man who wants to get intimate with her. This is a mess six ways to Sunday, pal. At this point she has only one option - you. How does that make you feel? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheSukiway Posted April 25, 2014 Author Share Posted April 25, 2014 (edited) Gee, if he is a coward, what does she think of you chauffeuring her to see a man who wants to get intimate with her. This is a mess six ways to Sunday, pal. At this point she has only one option - you. How does that make you feel? I did think that before I said what I said. I think she needed closure (from someone who broke her heart suddenly and left when they were planning on geting married due to family issues) and the point is she was surprised at me not shouting and swearing at her, and me offering to let her go and not comeback in my life ever....she refused point blank...I guess time will tell If I played it a few steps ahead or got completely used and made myself a fool. Edited April 25, 2014 by TheSukiway Link to post Share on other sites
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