I'm an obsessive and bad person.

[scorpobsessed]

I do not know where to start. So I will say I have been married to my husband for 10 years. He is a couple years older than me. We have one beautiful little girl.

 

I have been having an affair for almost 6 months now. The other man in 10 years younger than me.

 

For the last 6 months, even a little longer, I have been obsessed with this other guy. I was out with a couple of friends at a bar last August. This is where I first met the OM. He new one of my friends and she introduced us. He then kept hanging out with us the following weekends after that. Him and I had and have amazing chemistry. I made the first huge mistake when he asked for my cell number and I gave it to him. I was enamored, however.

 

From there we started texting and then the meeting each other one on one happened. It was an emotional affair to start. I started unloading all my work and marriage problems on him. I am not proud to say that i was the one who pushed limits. We have both always been flirty but I was the one who started giving him massages and touching him more. He tried to hold me off and that we should probably stop seeing each other but I wouldnt have it. Stupid me kept pushing and pushing until he finally gave in and kissed me.

 

From there we got more and more physical and of course we had sex in November. I was already obsessed but from there i was hooked like a drug. The sex has been incredible. I have only slept with 2 guys before him, including my husband, but it is just more intense and amazing. Sorry to say. So of course since then I have fallen more and more into this hole. I wanted to get out for my husband and little girls sake but have had the hardest time.

 

In early February, after a good Valentines day with my husband I vowed to myself I had to stop the affair. I called the OM and told him we had to end it. He tried to fight it at first but understood. I lasted a wholeeee 3 days before I called him and told him I had to see him and we met and has sex. We have been meeting every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday since then. We just click in every way.

 

However, this is all getting too much. Living a double life. I dont know if my husband does or does not suspect anything but I cannot let him find out. He would be extremely hurt and pissed and rightly so. My husband is a good man and doesnt deserve this. He does work too much however. Is out of town on business a lot and has not been around for me a enough the last few years but that is not an excuse for my affair.

 

At this point i just want to end both of these relationships. My husband deserves someone like the old me who was dedicated to him and the marriage. The OM needs to just live his own life. I have seriously considered speaking to a lawyer about a divorce this week. However I want to let Easter pass for my childs sake. Both my husband and I can take care of ourselves financially. This seems like the only option right now. End both of these relationships and try and work on myself. I obviously need some work.

 

Sorry for the longness but it was nice to get this all out to someone other than the OM. Any advice or comments are welcome. I know some of you will beat me up. It is fine. Im certainly a bad person at the moment.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry, but if you are not going to be honest with your husband about this huge betrayal then there is nothing really more to say is there? You are selfish, and there is no real advice to give. Who are you to keep the truth from this man? He deserves it, but unfortunately it seems like he will not get it. Even if you leave him, he deserves to know what you did, and that is the bottom line. If you have even an ounce of respect for yourself, your husband, or the child you have? You will not keep this from your husband, period.

 

The second you gave your phone number out to another man you started on this route.

[harrybrown]

Go tell your husband to read your post.

 

Have you been tested for stds?

 

How would you feel if your H cheated on you?

 

Your OM is amazing. He is cheating with a married woman. Do you really think you had a shot at a long-term relationship with him? He is ten years younger than you are. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

He is not an amazing man.

 

Let your H spend the rest of his life regretting ever meeting you. I hope he finds someone that really loves him. Let him be and let him and your daughter try to move on with their lives.

 

 

Tell your H that truth and let him raise your daughter.

 

I do think you should end both relationships. I do wish you had thought about your daughter.

 

Oh too late.

[underpants]

...oh, and yes take time away from both relationships, see an attorney and work on yourself so you are clear about how to move forward with your life. Some counceling may help you too.

 

A true seperation, for you, may be the first step to figure this out for yourself.

Edited April 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory comments

[scorpobsessed]

I want to tell my husband. I really do. However at the same time I would rather save him the grief of that. If we are just going to get a divorce anyway that will be stressful enough for him. I know i have already hurt him so much. Even if he doesnt know. I just do not want him to be too depressed by it all.

[scorpobsessed]

...oh, and yes take time away from both relationships, see an attorney and work on yourself so you are clear about how to move forward with your life. Some counceling may help you too.

 

A true seperation, for you, may be the first step to figure this out for yourself.

 

I honestly do think this is the best solution. Glad someone agrees.

Edited April 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[underpants]

Well, it doesn't hurt to speak with a lawyer and understand realistically what you will be facing and issues you will have to deal with.

 

If you seperate and it sounds like that is where your head is at, then do so honestly away from both. Your husband may discover your affair, especially if your use the seperation as a marriage vacation, and to feel less guilty about dating.

 

Hurt is inevitable, at least short term, and who knows what time and distance will lead your heart and head to decide what is right for you. As well as for your husband and even your friend.

 

Good luck to you.

[scorpobsessed]

Well, it doesn't hurt to speak with a lawyer and understand realistically what you will be facing and issues you will have to deal with.

 

If you seperate and it sounds like that is where your head is at, then do so honestly away from both. Your husband may discover your affair, especially if your use the seperation as a marriage vacation, and to feel less guilty about dating.

 

Hurt is inevitable, at least short term, and who knows what time and distance will lead your heart and head to decide what is right for you. As well as for your husband and even your friend.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Thank you for being understanding

[DKT3]

Leaving both relationships would be ideal, however I think we all kinda sense your wanting to continue with OM and really only looking to leave your husband. Maybe if your honest with yourself about that it makes you feel bad.

 

The thing about affairs are they aren't REAL. Sure you may have real feelings, but its far from a real relationship.

 

In your situation I think you should just be honest with your husband. Leaving won't mean you will stop being dishonest with him. I have no doubt you will continue with OM and of course you will continue to hide that from your husband. Also it somewhat leaves your husband there as plan B.

 

Stand up throw the cards and see where they land.

[scorpobsessed]

I honestly want to leave both relationships atm. I have run myself down trying to do both these relationships at once. Also, I know it probably seems like leaving the marriage will be easier than leaving the affair for me but that is not true at all. I have loved my husband since college. Almost 15 years. This is not an easy decision to make. I do feel like it is best for everyone involved.

[Spectre]

I want to tell my husband. I really do. However at the same time I would rather save him the grief of that. If we are just going to get a divorce anyway that will be stressful enough for him. I know i have already hurt him so much. Even if he doesnt know. I just do not want him to be too depressed by it all.

 

That's not your choice to make though, you don't get t decide if he does or does not feel grief. He deserves the truth. So I urge you: if you have any respect for this man tell him. Let me give you a good reason why he needs to know: it will make it easier for him to get over your divorce. This way he won't blame himself, etc. Plus he is just plain owed the truth by you. You owe him that much after everything you did.

 

I realize you don't want to hurt him, but trust me when I say most guys can deal with the grief caused by a situation such as this. It may take some time, but they will. So like I said, if you respect your husband or even at one point truly loved him you will tell him.

[violet1]

I honestly want to leave both relationships atm. I have run myself down trying to do both these relationships at once. Also, I know it probably seems like leaving the marriage will be easier than leaving the affair for me but that is not true at all. I have loved my husband since college. Almost 15 years. This is not an easy decision to make. I do feel like it is best for everyone involved.

Does your husband know that you want a divorce? I know how you feel. My H deserves the old dedicated me too. It's crazy how things change over the years. It's like one day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

[scorpobsessed]

Does your husband know that you want a divorce? I know how you feel. My H deserves the old dedicated me too. It's crazy how things change over the years. It's like one day I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself.

 

My husband does not know. I want to sit him down in the coming weeks and really talk to him about it.

 

I read some of your thread and it sounds somewhat similar to my situation. I'm sure we seem kind of selfish not wanting to tell our husbands of a betrayal and I have been selfish having an affair of course. However, we really do not want to hurt them. I do not want my husband to go through more stress than he has too.

 

I agree. I do not know how I got into this mess. Ive been loyal for 14 years of our relationship and almost ten years of marriage. I've been so caught up in the other man that it has just gotten out of control and I have certainly devolved. I can't even explain it, actually.

[Friskyone4u]

So you say you want to leave both relationships and you are just going to walk in, tell your husband you filed for divorce, and give him no reason other than you are doing him a favor and don't want to hurt him. And he"ll just say "ok, no problem and thank you". Not likely. I certainly would talk to lawyer because if he gets really pissed you may be in for an expensive and messy child custody fight.

 

I assume you OM is single. You are kidding yourself if you think when you are not with your husband anymore that you will not reach out to him. Hell, you are having sex with him three times a week while you are still married. And when you are free of the double life, you'll just give up this incredible sex and chemistry. Not hardly. The question is me that he has you full time with nothing in the way how long with no impediments will having sex with an older married woman be so thrilling for him.

You know you have disrespected your H in the worst ways, first by starting this A, and the with the constant lying and deceit. That happens in affairs. What does not have to happen is having the decency to tell him the truth and letting him either try to r or d with the knowledge of what is truly happening .

[underpants]

Your husband does deserve to know the truth. Of course.

 

Here is the thing. You need to get your stuff together and make a plan, as will he.

 

If you just throw out this bomb and walk away that could destroy him, and you, only you know that. Heck, he could be cheating on you on his business trips, who knows?

 

Confessing an affair and/or seperating is an affront. Pain. Don't kid yourself, he will look for a reason. A confession will put that focus right there, but he does deserve to know, and he will in time one way or another, and you do know, so there is that. That is all for you to weigh out and I do not envy you in that.

 

Here is the thing. It will hurt, there will be pain, your husband, your daughter, and your friend. You need to think about that and prepare for it. The damage has been done (and I say this kindly, that is on you).

 

Write down a plan, copy important papers and keep them out of the house in a safe place.

 

Tell your boyfriend you need space (mean it).

 

Make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss seperation, and what a divorce means, custody, taxes, insurance ...everything.

 

Once you have gotten your stuff together and have given yourself the gift of time, space and council. Once the initial wave of disbelief, anger and reaction of all parties have settled. Then, once you have a clear head, tell those who need to know THE TRUTH, where you are at and what you would like to happen. Don't manipulate and don't play a good husband for money or a settlement or any of that crazy stuff. Be cool.

 

All parties may not agree and be prepared to be disappointed. The dice have been rolled so to speak.

 

sorry, my tomato joke failed.

 

Again, good luck.

[scorpobsessed]

So you say you want to leave both relationships and you are just going to walk in, tell your husband you filed for divorce, and give him no reason other than you are doing him a favor and don't want to hurt him. And he"ll just say "ok, no problem and thank you". Not likely. I certainly would talk to lawyer because if he gets really pissed you may be in for an expensive and messy child custody fight.

 

I assume you OM is single. You are kidding yourself if you think when you are not with your husband anymore that you will not reach out to him. Hell, you are having sex with him three times a week while you are still married. And when you are free of the double life, you'll just give up this incredible sex and chemistry. Not hardly. The question is me that he has you full time with nothing in the way how long with no impediments will having sex with an older married woman be so thrilling for him.

You know you have disrespected your H in the worst ways, first by starting this A, and the with the constant lying and deceit. That happens in affairs. What does not have to happen is having the decency to tell him the truth and letting him either try to r or d with the knowledge of what is truly happening .

 

I am not going to just hand him divorce papers. I am going to sit down and have a talk to him about it after I talk to my attorney.

 

I know it is going to be hard to just cut off this relationship with the Other man. It has become an addiction. I would have to cut alllll contact. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about a future with OM. He is single. However I know that it is unlikely to work. This is why I do want to some how leave both relationships. They are both doomed to fail.

 

I know having this affair has been awful to my husband but I cannot take it back now. I just want it all to be over and done with.

[scorpobsessed]

Your husband does deserve to know the truth. Of course.

 

Here is the thing. You need to get your stuff together and make a plan, as will he.

 

If you just throw out this bomb and walk away that could destroy him, and you, only you know that. Heck, he could be cheating on you on his business trips, who knows?

 

Confessing an affair and/or seperating is an affront. Pain. Don't kid yourself, he will look for a reason. A confession will put that focus right there, but he does deserve to know, and he will in time one way or another, and you do know, so there is that. That is all for you to weigh out and I do not envy you in that.

 

Here is the thing. It will hurt, there will be pain, your husband, your daughter, and your friend. You need to think about that and prepare for it. The damage has been done (and I say this kindly, that is on you).

 

Write down a plan, copy important papers and keep them out of the house in a safe place.

 

Tell your boyfriend you need space (mean it).

 

Make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss seperation, and what a divorce means, custody, taxes, insurance ...everything.

 

Once you have gotten your stuff together and have given yourself the gift of time, space and council. Once the initial wave of disbelief, anger and reaction of all parties have settled. Then, once you have a clear head, tell those who need to know THE TRUTH, where you are at and what you would like to happen. Don't manipulate and don't play a good husband for money or a settlement or any of that crazy stuff. Be cool.

 

All parties may not agree and be prepared to be disappointed. The dice have been rolled so to speak.

 

sorry, my tomato joke failed.

 

Again, good luck.

 

This all sounds very logical and well thought out. Its going to be hard thats for sure. Idk how I would be able to tell my husband about the affair, however.

[underpants]

This all sounds very logical and well thought out. Its going to be hard thats for sure. Idk how I would be able to tell my husband about the affair, however.

 

Thanks, when you are not posting from pain this stuff is kind of easy, but my bottle of wisdom has a warning label. I'm really a human behind these letters, completely fallable.

 

Yea telling, that would be humilating and give him the 'power' of being right, perhaps blinding right. Not to mention that it may hurt you financially, maybe? ...and there is that pesky business of admitting you socially failed vs. that pesky business of living a lie. hmmm.

 

There is a devine humility and humanity in admitting failure however. It is the truth. Truth and timing are tricky things. It can be the difference between hurting and healing, and even manipulation, so tread lightly.

 

I wish you well.

[beach]

I am not going to just hand him divorce papers. I am going to sit down and have a talk to him about it after I talk to my attorney.

 

I know it is going to be hard to just cut off this relationship with the Other man. It has become an addiction. I would have to cut alllll contact. I would be lying if I said I have not thought about a future with OM. He is single. However I know that it is unlikely to work. This is why I do want to some how leave both relationships. They are both doomed to fail.

 

I know having this affair has been awful to my husband but I cannot take it back now. I just want it all to be over and done with.

 

And do you plan to be honest and tell your husband about your affair?

[Appreciate]

To the original poster,

 

What % of your decision to leave is based on how great the sex is?

 

Thankfully, you don't seem to listing any faults of your husband. It sounds like you are choosing to end a long and loving partnership due to lust and infatuation. You haven't had many sexual partners so that seems to be fueling your desire. The thing about infatuation is that it does not last. Not once the affair is over. It dwindles away. And the highs from sex which you are experiencing now will eventually taper down as well. So then what would you be left with? Someone you met through dishonest means, and whom you initiated a relationship with. Someone who was willing to be with a married woman. Who is to say it won't happen again for either of you?

 

Does part of you think, "Well if I am able to have sex with another man, then obviously that means I am no longer in love with my husband?"

[scorpobsessed]

And do you plan to be honest and tell your husband about your affair?

 

Probably not

[scorpobsessed]

To the original poster,

 

What % of your decision to leave is based on how great the sex is?

 

Thankfully, you don't seem to listing any faults of your husband. It sounds like you are choosing to end a long and loving partnership due to lust and infatuation. You haven't had many sexual partners so that seems to be fueling your desire. The thing about infatuation is that it does not last. Not once the affair is over. It dwindles away. And the highs from sex which you are experiencing now will eventually taper down as well. So then what would you be left with? Someone you met through dishonest means, and whom you initiated a relationship with. Someone who was willing to be with a married woman. Who is to say it won't happen again for either of you?

 

Does part of you think, "Well if I am able to have sex with another man, then obviously that means I am no longer in love with my husband?"

 

Idk if the great sex has too much of a percentage. It is my connection with OM as a whole.

 

Long before the affair my husband and I grew apart. He got promoted and we started spending less time together. He is not home right now and will barely make it home on time for Easter. Our relationship has become not much of one. We started going out once or twice a month and having sex only a few times a month. I did tell him i wanted more time together but he was really busy with work so I tried to understand

 

I know my affair has made that problem even bigger and we are now even more far apart. It all seems so irreparable now. I did not go out looking for an affair but when I and I connected I did stupidly pursue it. My needs were met again, but this time by another man. So my sex and connection with the OM has certainly made things a lot worse for my marriage.

[A.Moscote]

Please don't be rash and stop making one-sided decision about this matter. Calm down Scorpo, find your composure and take time properly.

 

Wipe off that pessimist tint you are using. Don't you have hope? Do you still love your H? If yes then aim for complete repair of your marriage as well as yourself.

 

For me, it all starts with a full disclosure. Again don't rush it, take time to plan, and find the suitable timing. Make it an honest and proper confession. Hopefully your H would want to try to forgive you and give a chance for R.

 

If unluckily it goes the other way, then at least you'd have free yourself from the burden of hiding the truth. Yes there are some people who are really unfit to handle the truth, and obviously we don't know your H. But in general, most of us would rather suffer to know the truth than dies an ignorant.

 

Imagine there is a switch which if you turn it will reveal the truth about your H's promiscuous activities behind your back. Would you flick it? Think about that.

 

Lastly don't worry too much about the sex. It is something that can always be improved. If both partner work on it, no matter the individuals, sooner or later both will achieve that fireworks and that niagaras. Study, talk, discuss, and improves it, its not impossible.

[fellini]

I honestly want to leave both relationships atm. I have run myself down trying to do both these relationships at once. Also, I know it probably seems like leaving the marriage will be easier than leaving the affair for me but that is not true at all. I have loved my husband since college. Almost 15 years. This is not an easy decision to make. I do feel like it is best for everyone involved.

 

Fortunately or not, your post brought in the hard core LS community before those who have chosen a different approach. I suggest you visit other threads related to your issue, just to get an idea of the spectrum (or lack of it) in terms of what you should do vs. what you must do, vs. what is an option. It was your decision to cheat, you obviously recognise that.

 

There is a thread in LS about telling or not telling. It's interesting. There is also a very inflamed thread about BS's in here who argue why they would prefer NOT to know. And if you are going to divorce? And if divorce is your REAL choice, and not some form of internal punishment for the affair, then focus on that. You can tell your H at any point along the process. A divorce does NOT end your relationship with him because you are parents.

 

So if you absolutely guarantee NC with your OM, and genuinely are going to work on you, telling your husband might actually interfere with that process because once he knows all hell is going to break lose and I guarantee you will be spending all your time on damage control with him rather than you.

[oldshirt]

so lets say you sit your husband down and tell him that you love him but are not "in love" with him anymore and that a divorce is the best thing for you. Do you really think he is just going to sign the papers, cry in his beer for awhile and then carry on with his life and let you carry on your's in peace and tranguility???????????

 

 

You are under some serious serious affair fog here (if you aren't familiar with that term look it up)

 

 

You do not have a sense of reality at the moment. You are so full of affair chemicals you aren't thinking straight and your whole sense of reality is warped. You might as well be dropping LSD for as irrational your thinking is.

 

 

Take a moment and read through some threads here. What is the VERY FIRST THING everyone here says to people who's spouse has just told them that they 'need space' or "I love you but am not in love with you" (ILYBNILWY)?

 

 

The first thing out of people's mouths when someone's spouse drops this bomb on them is to look for the OM/OW.

 

 

A person's marriage is often their single biggest life investment. He isn't going to just walk away with his tail between his legs because you don't have the warm, frilly feelings for him anymore.

 

 

He is going to go up your sht with a microscope and he is going to discover the OM and the depth of your affair. It doesn't matter how well you delete the emails, get rid of the phone or close out your Facebook account. He is going to discover it and all his buddies, his family, your family, his coworkers, your friends etc etc are going to help him do it and when it all comes crashing down, YOU are going to be the one with the Scarlet A on your shirt and the egg on your face.

 

 

I'll say it again. You are full of affair addiction chemicals and you aren't thinking clearly. You are thinking like a meth or a crack addict and the thoughts and ideas you having don't make sense in the real world.

 

 

My recommendations are as follows in an effort to keep this all from blowing sky high and destroying everybody in an instant -

 

 

- dump the OM cold turkey and go completely NC with him. Delete and block his phone, delete and block his emails, Facebook etc. Don't drive by his house, his work etc and don't let him show up at any of your's.

 

 

- Monday morning schedule an appointment with a competent shrink that specializes in infidelity/sexual addiction etc start working with that person to start drying out from your addiction (and you are using the term correctly. it is so close to addiction that some of the treatments and things you need to do to get over it are similar)

 

 

- Work with the counselor/therapist on drying out from the OM and work with him/her on what to do in regards to your husband/marriage.

 

 

 

 

My assumption is that eventually the therapist will have you divulge the affair to your husband but it will likely be after you've had some time to dry out and are thinking clearly and able to think and act and react clearly. And it will be in a manner that will be somewhat controlled and compassionate towards your husband and will be in a manner that he will be able to think and act rationally and able to take a course of action that will not destroy him, rather than coming home from the grocery store one afternoon and handing him divorce papers out of the blue and saying you are leaving, good bye.