Confusion_Reigns Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 So much is going thru my mind. So much and I don’t know what to do with it all…I know what I *want* but I don’t know if it’s the right thing…I believe it is…truly…and it hurts me to have to hurt my husband but it’s what has to happen. All our arguments always come down to one thing “CONTROL” him controlling me. Him wanting me to do what he wants. Him not understanding what I want. Him not answering direct questions and deflecting those back to me. Or on me. Us always cycling back to this spot. This is years and years of this argument. I don’t want this anymore. I can’t do this anymore. The argument started on Sunday…maybe Saturday…he wanted some I didn’t want to…he said it was ok but then proceeded to get pissed...until Monday he’s full blown angry with me. I knew he was a bit sick and he uses this as an excuse for his behavior *after* the fact. Like he’s mad Sunday and if I gave in then he’d say ‘im sorry I’m just not feeling good…’ or he’s mad Sunday and Monday and I cave and then he’s like ‘I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling good…’ cuz his head, his stomach, his sinuses, his back, his knee…his whatever…hurts and that’s why he’s being mean to me…it’s not HIS fault, it’s his stupid *whatever* that hurts and makes him crabby…blah, blah… So I didn’t want to and didn’t…I was going to bed and he starts in on me…he starts counting “one” he kinda wispers I ask him ‘what’ and he’s silent….then about 15 min later “two” he wispers…and I got mad. Angry. Pissed Off. So I called him out on this bull****! “What are you COUNTING? Are you giving me until THREE and then what??!!?” oh, and it was on then. And YES the whole time we’re laying in bed, in the dark and I’m imaging his fist coming at my face…but I couldn’t stop…I wouldn’t stop…if he’s going to hit me…he’s going to hear it first…so we argue. Most of the night. And I end up caving and giving in to his sexuality….and I feel disgusted with myself. But he is my husband after all and wives and husbands have sex, right? So, there’s that. During this argument I didn’t hold back. I told him how all the past is creeping in on me and all that hurt doesn’t go away…it just sits there…and I don’t know what to do with all that. We broke up that night…and he agreed that he was going to move out the next day….but the next day NOTHING…and he’s acting like everything is ok…not it’s not ok, it’s soooo not ok. Not by a long shot. But because I caved he thinks it’s all ok. I think that’s why he thinks its all ok, anyway. I’m not really sure. He was ready to move out, I was ready to get up and walk out…but I will not leave my son to deal with his dad in a situation like this…so I stayed and tried to get him to leave. I told him GET OUT!!! And he wouldn’t leave….he just laughed….but he didn’t hit me either, so there’s that. He was really angry that I was falling to sleep on my own side of the bed and not snuggled right upnext to him…well, why should I feel bad about the way I sleep? That’s just stupid. I told him that too. We talked (if one can call it talking) about his past affairs, his past abuse…and he STILL blames me for his actions. Oh, I set him straight on that one too. I told him that he was the one who CHOOSE to dowhat he did…that it’s not my fault that he f’ed these other women…I also told him “You’ve had two affairs that I know of and probably other’s that I don’t know of…I found girls numbers in your pants pockets, what else could that mean?!?” and he didn’t argue that point and didn’t deny it. I know he well and know that he’d have argued to his dying breath if it wasn’t true. Argh…what to do? How do I make him leave my house? How to I make it clear to him? How can I get any clearer? GET OUT is pretty damned clear, right? I don’t know what to do now….I can leave but then my son’s going to be the new punching bag (I fear) and I can’t have that. I could take my son with me….but I won’t do that to him in the middle of the night, it’d have to be well planned…and I’d have to talk to my son about this…it’s not right, not right at all to bring my boy into the argument between me and his dad…and if I left suddenly I’m positive that my husband will destroy all my stuff..it’s happened before why would I think it won’t happen again…and that’s ok it’s only stuff. I’m thinking I’ll need to take my treasures out of the house now so those things don’t get destroyed….the only things I really want are my teddy bear (had him ever since I can remember), my dad’s trunk (he got that when he was in the army), and the handmade model canoe my dad made me….oh, there’s more of my dad’s things I’d want to keep…if I can…and all the kids art work I’ve been saving over the years…all the lil treasure they’ve given me over the years…I still have my son’s first hair clippings…but these really are only things…the memories and such are all alive and well in my mind and heart… I need to end thismarriage. I need to try to keep myself and my son safe. A few months ago I asked him to tell me what he thought "love" was? he didn't answer me..he couldn't answer me...He wanted me to tell him what I thought it meant but I didn't want him to just mimic my answer...I want to know what he thinks...so he finally told me (about a month ago during one of our arguments) the he thinks that sex is the highest form of love. I don't agree with that at all, I think that sex is one of the lowest forms of love...so now when he tells me that he 'loves me' I think he's referring to sex. one more thought...it seems to me that the only way that this marriage can be saved is if he and I end what we have now. Truly and utterly end it all...like it's forever...and get ourselves healthy inside...go to IC...I keep getting the idea in my mind that we can't start unless we stop. any and all thoughts are welcome... Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 A lawyer and divorce papers. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) Yes...and in the mean time? So that's it, huh? Maybe this should be in the break ups section or the abuse section? idk... Edited October 7, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) He has been abusive, and cheated on you right ? You wanted to leave when your last child hit 18, and have an exit affair kind of (EA?) already going to ease your pain. Sounds like you very close now, does this help calm you - knowing the deicsion is made, and the steps are happening? You got about a year or two left with your youngest kid? Certainly you need to start the paper work and dicussion options with the lawyer. Not only divorce, but the option of having a restaining order ready to go. If you own the home jointly, then you need to plan temporary hounsing once you drop the hammer? I would suggest this, as your husband gives you concern for your saftey. I do think slowy moving your most precious objects to a remote storage place is very important. Set up a P.O. box and rent a stroage unit now. Be careful on large movements of stuff out of the home - do it slowly. Make copies of important documents, keep records of any abusive behavior. Its clear to me you are headed in the direction with ending this marriage ...with a few excpetions. The exit affair you have been having with Mr. Amazing is less than ideal. I would also like to point out another possible mistaken view. "Sex is the lowest form of love".... I can tell you thats not the case with many a married man. I NOT advocating you having sex with an abusive SOB spouse.... I would say you should not! ...but what I am asking you to reconsider for your future relationships - is that sex often is a sign to husbands we are loved and valued... and our needs matter to our wives. What ever your plans are for men in the future - consider to the best men you find and want to commit to you- that often those men give love and think sex is the natural response from our loved one. It is beyond painful when it is withheld when we think we are loving. Edited October 7, 2013 by dichotomy 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 (edited) see...that's one of his things...he gets so angry when I just don't want to...and he says "I do everything for you" but...and this is what I'm trying to get him to understand from my point of view...he does what I would expect any partner to do and he doesn't do these things out of the goodness of his heart but with the intent that I pay him back in this way. It makes me feel awful, just awful. Like I'm a ho for sale? and it's not like he's deprived or ever has been deprived in that area... And thank you for the thoughts on how/what to do...We don't own this house, we rent so that's not an issue. I don't want anything from him, no child support, no alimony, nothing, so that's not an issue. Co-parenting scares me. I won't do a restraining order as I know how ineffective they are in my area...like a piece of paper will stop him and the cops wouldn't show up for hours...no, it'd just piss him off. I hadn't planned on meeting Mr. Amazing, I hadn't planned on an EA...and yes, you're right it's less than ideal... Edited October 7, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 Kindly (((Confusion_Reigns))) if he is physically abusive you need to leave for your safety sweetie. They have shelters that will help you get to where you need to go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 The only woman shelter in my area is run by my husband sister. That's not going to work for me. Besides I will not run and hide from him. I'm crazy, I guess, but I'm not going to do that as the very idea makes my skin crawl. I will not hide from him or anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 The only woman shelter in my area is run by my husband sister. That's not going to work for me. Besides I will not run and hide from him. I'm crazy, I guess, but I'm not going to do that as the very idea makes my skin crawl. I will not hide from him or anyone. Oh wow ok well just be very careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted October 7, 2013 Author Share Posted October 7, 2013 "All the past abuse really is in the past...It creeps up into my mind and I don't like that...I made choices way back when to stay...love, fear, obligation...this is what keeps me here with him. I worry that he'll revert back to that but I honestly don't believe he will...and I wonder if I just *want* to believe that and am deluding myself..." I do want to believe in my husband but I don't know if I can anymore. I wonder can an abusive person really become not abusive without therapy? My gut says "no" and my heart says "yes" but my logic says "it doesn't matter" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 "All the past abuse really is in the past...It creeps up into my mind and I don't like that...I made choices way back when to stay...love, fear, obligation...this is what keeps me here with him. I worry that he'll revert back to that but I honestly don't believe he will...and I wonder if I just *want* to believe that and am deluding myself..." I do want to believe in my husband but I don't know if I can anymore. I wonder can an abusive person really become not abusive without therapy? My gut says "no" and my heart says "yes" but my logic says "it doesn't matter" Good. you are finally getting to healthy. Keep going. make a plan. S et your goal Work daily towards reaching it. Get your precious stuff, your son, and yourself to a place of safety. There is so much free, good advice out there to help women like you. Please find it and USE it. Even if it takes A year to execute, STOP thinking if he will change. START thinking he may NEVER change. WHERE do YOU want to be in one year???? In the same old, same old sitch? Or on your way to freedom? He may never change. sex, bordering on angry rape, maybe as good as it gets for him. Women as a vessel to be used physically may meet all his needs. If it doesn't, will never, meet your needs, start making a quiet, confident plan and focus on YOU and your future...whether with, or without him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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