infidelity: 2 months down the line. how to deal with lack of closure and therapists.

[James-London]

Hi everyone,

 

I have posted a few times now in relation to this girl who I really loved but turned out to be cheating on me. In brief - we went out for about a year from late June 2012. She met this guy at a party just 6 weeks into our relationship and gave him her FB email. I only became really suspicious from June 2013 and I finally checked her emails on 10 August.

 

I found some evidence and the truth was slowly revealed in excruciating layers over the next few weeks. During these weeks since 10 August, it really hurt how she could look me in the eyes and lie with such conviction. I was also amazed at how easily she could blame it all on me by saying I never spent enough time with her.

 

As things stand today, she has admitted to sleeping with him 3 times before Christmas last year, going on a few dates with him this year, and sleeping in his bed two times in August. Obviously, this is a lite version of the truth. I suspect she slept with him 4 or 5 times over May, June and July also. But it could easily have been much more than that. I have found it very difficult not knowing exactly when she was with him, what they did together and which of those times they had sex. All I do know is that he was on her mind continuously from the time they met at the end of July 2012(!).

 

The other big thing I never found out why she did it. From what I can see, she was REALLY into this OM but she knew he did not want a serious relationship. She knew I was crazy about her and I made her feel "safe and secure" and could "rely on me", so she stayed with me. Also, at the very least, she did care about me and we had some chemistry too. But she probably never saw me as a serious romantic partner who she would invest in or wanted to be committed to. On this analysis, she saw me a little bit like a pet dog who she cared about but did not respect as an equal.

 

On the other hand, maybe she really did "love me". There were many times when I felt real affection and we had a fairly active sex life for 1 year into a relationship. I do feel she wanted a serious relationship with me but she saw the OM as higher value and wanted to go off exciting adventures. She never thought I would get hurt because she never thought I would find out. I think she also felt disappointed in me because I did not see her regularly enough and she saw I was not getting out the house and doing things with my life. I know these are not excuses for her cheating, but I feel they are fair points which I have learnt from.

 

The relationship was pretty much on autopilot and pretty superficial the whole time because she always kept me at an emotional distance from herself. She never talked much about her past or future dreams/plans. She never told me she loved me, in fact I felt she more disliked me with all her criticisms. But strangely, I still felt she was really attached to me even though she was often angry and disappointed. There were also plenty of times when she was excited to be with me and affectionate (albeit on a superficial level).... After the infidelity started coming out on 10 August, she told me (for the first time) about how she could not express her true feelings of affection because she grew up in a family with an alcoholic and violent father. I didn't really buy this - especially as she seemed to share much more feelings with the OM than with me!

 

So - I am now 2 months down the line and still really confused. I am doing better but I have no idea what (if anything) was real in our relationship. I still do not know the true extent of her relationship with the OM, what she really felt about me, about him, and why did she did it.... I have asked her all these questions many times but she just avoids them or lies. I find this really selfish and pointless, especially as she knows we are now over.

 

... I wanted to ask other people who are also a few months after the shock of infidelity how they are coping with this. Do they feel they have all their questions answered? If they have still not been told the when, what and why of the infidelity, do they even care? Do you not sit there and wonder what on earth was really going on in that relationship? Also, how are they feeling about meeting new people? Personally, I think I'll have trust issues for quite some time.

 

Finally, I have started seeing a therapist. All she wants to do is ask me to "get in touch with my emotions" in relation to the infidelity. Well - my emotions are that it REALLY hurt and I feel betrayed. I feel I am already very well aware of how these things make me feel, so I do not see the point of spelling it out in a 50 minute weekly session. What I would really prefer to do is discuss my experiences during the relationship and since 10 August to try to find a way of understanding the relationship, even though I will never get my ex-GF's side of the story.

 

Does anyone have any advice on how to get the most out of seeing a therapist?

[crederer]

Your story sounds similar to mine. Yea, women can be pretty damn good liars. My biggest thing was how could she fake being happy with me for so long (yes I know men are capable of this as well but I'm a man and only have experience with women in regards to this particular topic) when she wasn't?. I'm 7 months post break up and now I'm thinking I should get some pro help. Which makes me feel like a sissy cause I was brought up to be a man's man and now I'm cowering over some ex girl........

 

As far as dealing with the therapist, I'd just tell him/her pretty much exactly what you said here.

Edited October 7, 2013 by crederer

[James-London]

Thanks Crederer. But how are you dealing with not knowing the full facts about the extent of the relationship with the OM and why she was doing it/what she meant to you? Maybe you feel you know enough and don't really care anymore? Thanks.

[crederer]

I don't know jack all about any of it. All I know is that the end of the day it doesn't matter because she doesn't want to be with me. Whether it's cause of some other guy or whatever, it doesn't matter in the end.

 

All I can do is put my big boy pants on and keep on truckin' forward.

 

I mean seriously, if you had the answers to the questions you were asking, it'd just result in more questions. And on and on it goes. There really isn't such a thing as closure. Not in the true sense.

[crederer]

I'm sorry man, I wish I could give you more comforting advice but this is the cold hard truth.

[James-London]

I think you are right - it doesn't really matter in the end. I guess it was probably a combination of how she was into this other man and also how she did not really want to be with me that much. I will never know much more detail than that. I suppose she probably felt trapped in the relationship and didn't know how to leave me too.

 

I think the important point here is that she didn't have the commitment to remain faithful or to address all the other problems in our relationship. It is true I was too tied up with my work but she chose to cheat rather than be supportive and understanding.

 

I know I will never understand all the details. However, I do at least know that she is not willing to look at what she did and be honest about it. And I do know that she is not fighting to get me back - in contrast to many of the other stories I read on LS where the girlfriend/wife has cheated. Given this, I guess it doesn't matter what she did or why, because she didn't want me enough either then or now....

 

I actually find this a MUCH more useful and healthy way of moving on than trying to express all the emotions of betrayal with a therapist. Thanks for your thouhts.

[yellowmaverick]

I think you are right - it doesn't really matter in the end. I guess it was probably a combination of how she was into this other man and also how she did not really want to be with me that much. I will never know much more detail than that. I suppose she probably felt trapped in the relationship and didn't know how to leave me too.

 

I think the important point here is that she didn't have the commitment to remain faithful or to address all the other problems in our relationship. It is true I was too tied up with my work but she chose to cheat rather than be supportive and understanding.

 

I know I will never understand all the details. However, I do at least know that she is not willing to look at what she did and be honest about it. And I do know that she is not fighting to get me back - in contrast to many of the other stories I read on LS where the girlfriend/wife has cheated. Given this, I guess it doesn't matter what she did or why, because she didn't want me enough either then or now....

 

I actually find this a MUCH more useful and healthy way of moving on than trying to express all the emotions of betrayal with a therapist. Thanks for your thouhts.

 

I will never know all of the details, and now it doesn't matter. I started healing when I started focusing on myself. Frankly, I don't have much faith in therapists - the two I tried were more damaged than I was. One turned out to be an OW herself and the other had his own issues.

 

My advice is to concentrate on yourself and not waste time on trying to understand why she cheated. My experience IRL and in reading these forums is that people who live by a strong moral code will never "get" people who don't, and vice versa.

[candie13]

Listen, there are many sort of therapists out there. Just talking obviously doesn't do anything for you. Talk to your therapist and tell her you want something different. A different approach, to make you work on yourself and accept what happened.

 

Ask her what other techniques are available. OR ask her to explain how "just talking" will become helpful. What the mechanism is supposed to be, because with you, "just talking" isn't unblocking anything.

 

There are plenty of therapists out there, but good therapy is very rare. Do NOT be afraid to ask your therapist to work for your money. Confront. Ask to read books about infidelity. Explore your feelings, as the betrayed party. Use your therapist to understand exactly what bugs you.

[James-London]

thanks guys. Seething - my main reason for not staying with my ex-GF is that she did NOT tell me the whole story - ie. there was information she was choosing not to tell me when I had asked her. It seems that you also don't know all the facts but stayed with your H. I was just wondering if this was difficult for you?

[harrybrown]

You are better with her out of your life. It is a good thing you did not have children with her or be married to her.

 

Start doing things for yourself. Exercise, make goals for yourself and work on making yourself happy.

 

Do not contact her again. Delete her phone number, and block her.

 

There are some books that may be helpful, but she will not give you what you need to heal. You are lucky she is out of your life.

 

Ask your therapist for books to read that will help. I may be wrong but surviving her affair may be helpful, but sometimes that helps more if the cheating partner is in remorse and helpful.

[road]

Normal to know what your GF did with the OM.

 

Being that you were never married, no kids, you ended the relationship, you have to be glad that you found out enough to dump her before you married her and had kids with her.

 

Because GF would still not tell you what she did. Then you would be a part time dad. Let this good news be your closure. That you are better of caught he now then after you married her. She will never answer your questions.

[Betterthanthis13]

I think you are asking the wrong questions, which is why you cannot get answers. Try thinking instead of why your ex gf did what she did, and wanting answers, of the reasons why someone might have an affair, but confess, be remorseful, not trickle truth, work hard to reconcile, etc.

 

Knowing why those types of affairs occurred and what people do to recover from them is helpful to me, because they are so very different from what my xbf did. He was cheating from the beginning, like your xgf. He lied to me for a year about what he had done. He never had a good reason for anything. If I hadn't caught him and investigated, he would have lied for as long as he could keep up the facade of us being in a good relationship.

 

Why do some WS's have remorse, confess, courage to tell the truth, etc? Maybe they had integrity and character to begin with, and made an error in judgement.

 

How is xbf different? He was not a person of integrity to begin with. I was somehow blind to this fact (delusional) for a long time. Once I figured this out, my only option is to cut my losses and get him out of my life. I don't want someone like that in my life, it is disgusting and I feel stupid for mistaking him for someone who had good character and integrity. I'll be more careful next time.

 

There's a paragraph in the middle of this article that is about cheating that I encourage you to read. Understanding Character in the Age of Political Correctness | Manipulative-People.com

 

I've been in therapy off and on for a few years. Going to therapy is for you, it can be beneficial if you have a good therapist, I think. After Dday in June I briefly went to a different therapist who specialized in infidelity and sex addiction. She was not helpful to me, not that she was a bad therapist. If I was codependent and needed to work on my codependency issues because I was interested in "fixing" an un fixable person and calling it love, she would probably been very helpful to me. But I just wanted him out of my life and to understand why on earth he did what he did. LS and books were much more helpful for that task, and my regular therapist is great helping me stay on track working on my own personal introspection and personal improvement.

 

Sorry you are still in the middle of the confusion and experiencing pain, kiddo. It does get better. It's been 5 months I guess now for me, and I feel very different than I did in June. I haven't been dating, but I have been talking to a long term male friend about the possibility of dating. I don't think he is taking me very seriously, lol, because of where I am at and what I have done this past year hanging out with a disturbed sex addict, but that is understandable.

 

The website link I pointed you to has some decent articles on it, and the book "in Sheeps Clothing" that guy wrote was helpful too.

[BetrayedH]

Very, very few of us get the answers that you're seeking. As crederer pointed out, they do lead to more questions. I got a lot of answers. Most of them are crap answers though and the rest will never be answered. As a wise poster here once said, closure comes from within.

[James-London]

Thanks guys. It is very much in my nature to ask "why" things happen and to keep going until I get to the truth. I had been doing MUCH better until I woke up this morning with a jolt and remembered that the person I loved had been cheating on me. That is what prompted this thread. It is funny how we temporarily forget reality while we're sleeping.

 

It is comforting to know I am not alone in getting unsatisfactory answers. I am sure I will be asking myself the same questions again from time to time.... I think perhaps the trick is to remind myself of three things:

 

1. it doesn't really matter why she cheated (ie. whether she actually did love me in some weird way or was just using me).... the point is that she didn't respect me enough to either remain faithful during the relationship or tell me the truth once it all fell apart in August.

2. she never made any significant investment or sacrifice to work on building our relationship and doing things to make me happy. It was always just about her needs.

3. after the cheating started to come out on 10 August, she never really fought to keep me. Rather, she just lied like a coward and was never that desperate to get me back....

 

The bottom line - she was just not that into me, at least not in the romantic way.... I do get this intellectually and I suppose I just need to repeat this to myself every time I start asking the same questions as in my above post. Maybe I should leave a note next to my bed or something!

 

What makes it difficult is that my heart remembers all those times she kissed me and smiled at me, and they REALLY felt genuine. I suppose I just never rang her bells in the same way as the OM, and she was too cowardly or selfish to let me go.

Edited October 7, 2013 by James-London
corrections.

[ChooseTruth]

The bottom line - she was just not that into me, at least not in the romantic way.... I do get this intellectually and I suppose I just need to repeat this to myself every time I start asking the same questions as in my above post. Maybe I should leave a note next to my bed or something!

 

What makes it difficult is that my heart remembers all those times she kissed me and smiled at me, and they REALLY felt genuine. I suppose I just never rang her bells in the same way as the OM, and she was too cowardly or selfish to let me go.

 

I think you have had the answers you were looking for all along, they are just difficult to face.

 

I heard recently that when we understand our surroundings our body actually releases pleasure chemicals. Understanding our surroundings makes us less likely to get eaten by a bear, or succubus woman!

 

For me the "why" is very important as well and I'm not apologetic about seeking it. The truth is "why" someone does something has to do with them and not you. You can take precautions, but you don't have control over her being faithful. There will always be attractive people around. If she's the kind of person who's always looking to trade up in a relationship, good riddance.