ladydesigner Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Why oh why does this always bother me so much. Is it because I was victimized as a child and now again by my philanderer of a H? And then I get to hear from not only the MOW in our sitch but some of the OW here that the BS is the problem and to blame for the A and M breakdown. No I am no angel to my M and neither was my H, but why place the blame of the A on the BS. The A happens because of the WS's actions therefore the blame falls on the one who enacted the action. The BS didn't make the WS cheat. I know that there may be cases of abuse, but an A is not the answer, getting out is. The abuse will only get worse after an A is discovered. Then after the A is over the issues that need to then be discussed in therapy aren't even the problems that existed pre-A because now the M is so turbulent BECAUSE of the A and that usually gets dealt with first. So this brings me back to why the BS is to blame or even partially to blame for the A? Is it because the WS cannot face themselves and what they did that they need to blame the BS and sometimes even the OW/OM? It saddens me every time I read about how the BS drove the MM to have an A. NEWSFLASH We already feel this way on DDay just from the A itself and then sometimes our WS and the OW will tell us exactly this, like mine did. To me it was like pouring salt in my wounds for sheer fun. I thought I was being tortured and neither of them would let me find peace. Just want to end this with no one deserves to be cheated on and if you do find yourself in that position know that it wasn't you 10 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Poor coping skills belong to the person using them. Not all poor coping skills are as destructive to ourselves or others. Where the train of thought that one poor coping skill deserves another (often harsher one) falls apart for me is: If a person uses physical violence because their spouse/child made them angry say by calling them a name. Both parties used poor coping skills. I would then have to believe that the abused somehow deserved the assault. That they in fact caused the abuse, that the abuse was just a symptom, not a problem unto itself. I do not believe that. So then, how can I believe that any poor coping skill is caused by another? Then there is the idea that poor coping skills can be the better solution to the problem to the one using the poor coping skill. Well, that may indeed be true, for the one USING the poor coping skill. It doesn't however factor in how it is received to the recipient. Whether a person meant to hit me in the crosswalk or did it deliberately, my injuries are the same, pain is the same..intent does not factor into what my injuries are. Was it a better solution? Did the person on the other end feel it differently? Or was the poor coping skills only purpose to alleviate something inside the one using it? I think people hide behind these arguments. The buck starts and stops with us. Each of us. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 No one can ever be responsible for the actions and choices of someone else, but the double standard that surrounds that concept is so often seen on here that it's really quite disturbing. It's often said that no one can force someone to cheat, make them do it if they don't want to or make so end do something that goes against their nature, so surely this applies whether the person saying this is a bs or on/ow. As for why some people seem to take great delight in making (very) thinly veiled jabs against the bs's who choose to post on here by blaming them for the affair, all I can advise is to look at the source,and if it seems biased or sketchy, ignore it. It's not worth your time and emotions to get upset. After all, they are obviously ignoring the oft said advice about how it's better to remain silent and be thought a fool than it is to speak and be proven one 8) 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 I totally agree. I think you know, but we beat the living $&(@ out of this subject on another thread, maybe it was a giant t/j...but we did it anyway. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/424458-what-did-you-do-caused-them-stray-34.html 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted October 4, 2013 Share Posted October 4, 2013 Yeah, I always thought it was kind of backwards that the AP didn't make the WS cheat but the BS did or that the AP shouldn't hold any responsibility for the affair (cue "I didn't make the vows, blah blah blah") but the BS should. It's never the responsibility/fault of those who actually committed the act. I will say that obviously not all AP's are like this, but it's just something I've noticed here, on other forums and in real life. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladydesigner Posted October 4, 2013 Author Share Posted October 4, 2013 I totally agree. I think you know, but we beat the living $&(@ out of this subject on another thread, maybe it was a giant t/j...but we did it anyway. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/424458-what-did-you-do-caused-them-stray-34.html I will have to check this out thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted October 7, 2013 Share Posted October 7, 2013 There have been a few "attempts" around here recently to try to imply that the A is the fault of the BS. The BS has "poor coping skills" The BS is "evil" The BS has an "addiction" The BS _______________.... I guess if someone REALLY wants to see Me w/poor coping skills, evil and (actually I'm suck at being addicted to things/people) the go ahead and cheat on me, Again and Be the ow. Guarantee that Everyone is going to see it and understand inexplicably Why* I believe that due to the por coping skills, (sometimes) evil, addicted AP's, the act of displacement is put upon the BS so the AP can get out of bed each day knowing how abhorrent and devestating their actions really are. If that's not the case, well the alternative of these AP's & WS's lacking humanity and a soul during the A is just SOOOO Much Uglier. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 well I confidently sit here, 6 years after DDay, and KNOW in my head and my heart, I did NOT do anything to CAUSE my WS to have an affair.... It is not just my ego, my pride and my confidence that determines that fact. It is shored up by my fWS, my IC who became his IC, his next IC, and two MCs later...... It is my ONE conversation with his OW where I learned she was one insecure, drama queen, nut job, angry, defensive, unstable lady..... it is all the reading and researching and conversation on affairs I have forced a share a sharing with him.... and the bottom line for those who have not been able to afford or find time for ANY of the above? If 50 percent MAY cheat, there are 50 percent of marriages where NO ONE cheats! Think on that....Abusive, drug-addicted, gamblers, porn-addled, never working, terminally-ill, in jail, no sex, sick partners......and THEY do NOT CHEAT on each other. Hmmmm....now WHY would, could that be? I'm FINE with myself as a marriage partner. I'm golden. So are all of you, BSs. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 8, 2013 Share Posted October 8, 2013 I totally agree. I think you know, but we beat the living $&(@ out of this subject on another thread, maybe it was a giant t/j...but we did it anyway. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/424458-what-did-you-do-caused-them-stray-34.html I didn't read that thread (yet) but here is another: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/360842-can-bs-cause-ws-cheat Link to post Share on other sites
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