After Infidelity what got better for you?

[dichotomy]

We talk about the losses, the hurts, the struggles here on LS after infidelity. I certainly still deal with loss and negatives and downsides from this - but whether you stayed married or divorced, what if anything got better for you (personally) or for your relationship(s). How have you grown?

 

In my case, it gave me the final push I needed to resolve some self esteem issue in therapy. I have been a carrying some major esteem baggage for both both legitimate and non legitimate reasons. I addressed both real and not real reasons. I would not say I without insecurities, but I feel very centered, accepting of myself, and less moved by outside forces then I have ever. I could have used this at age 23 of course but better late the never

 

To expand my view of human behavior and understanding and less judging. Not the same thing as acceptance or allowing others to use or hurt me - but I am more open minded. and have more grace and tollerance for others choices and paths in relationships. I actually have enjoyed the learning through the formal and informal writings of others on relationships, marriage, sex, love, cheating,etc.

 

It restarted my interest in physical fitness and health again after really letting myself go. Beyond the health benefits, I kind of like it like a hobby - reading and learning - trying new things.

 

The last thing is a bit trickier to explain - I found myself less likely to put up with certain things and deal with those head on - and yet more likely to not get worked up about alot of others . I guess maybe a more laser focus on only a few select few things - and letting go and stop being up tight about so many other things.

[Zenstudent]

I've grown in so many ways. More clear about what I want and don't want. So your last point, trickier to explain, I get that. I'm much better at saying "No" than I ever was. A few days ago, my wife wanted me to attend a gathering because "it will be good for me...." - I told her that I decide what's good for me and then said "No".

 

I don't judge much anymore, I see people the way they are, their actions just the way they are. I don't think of "fairness" anymore - it is what it is. I don't think of my wife as a princess anymore and therefore don't treat her as such. I believe now that people's actions are determined/motivated by selfish desires - even at the cost of other people's wellbeing.

 

And I've become very, very good at living in the present, not getting frustrated with things the way they are.

[Betterthanthis13]

We talk about the losses, the hurts, the struggles here on LS after infidelity. I certainly still deal with loss and negatives and downsides from this - but whether you stayed married or divorced, what if anything got better for you (personally) or for your relationship(s). How have you grown?

 

In my case, it gave me the final push I needed to resolve some self esteem issue in therapy. I have been a carrying some major esteem baggage for both both legitimate and non legitimate reasons. I addressed both real and not real reasons. I would not say I without insecurities, but I feel very centered, accepting of myself, and less moved by outside forces then I have ever. I could have used this at age 23 of course but better late the never

 

To expand my view of human behavior and understanding and less judging. Not the same thing as acceptance or allowing others to use or hurt me - but I am more open minded. and have more grace and tollerance for others choices and paths in relationships. I actually have enjoyed the learning through the formal and informal writings of others on relationships, marriage, sex, love, cheating,etc.

 

It restarted my interest in physical fitness and health again after really letting myself go. Beyond the health benefits, I kind of like it like a hobby - reading and learning - trying new things.

 

The last thing is a bit trickier to explain - I found myself less likely to put up with certain things and deal with those head on - and yet more likely to not get worked up about alot of others . I guess maybe a more laser focus on only a few select few things - and letting go and stop being up tight about so many other things.

 

The last one, the tricky one- that is a great explanation of something similar I'm trying to focus and work on right now but haven't been able to come up with the words to explain. It's like prioritizing and the practical application of all the stuff learned in therapy, or from reading and learning- because knowing a lot of things and actually making the necessary changes are two completely different things.

 

I think if I had been proficient at what you just described, I would not have been able to ignore the giant pink elephant sitting in my living room for the last few years, and could have saved myself a lot of heartache. Awhile back, I think it was you that posted the video of the girl with the nail in her forehead?- yeah. that video was probably intended to be interpreted a different way than I did, but I got something out of it for sure.

[Kimmie80]

My ex had a 6 month affair on our 10 year anniversary and just after we found out we were expecting our 3rd child. The feelings of hurt and worthlessness was unbelievable. I stayed and allowed him back in for the kids. I tried really hard for 4 years. One of our mistakes was not going to counselling. It all caught up to me a year ago and I exploded.

 

Today, im trying not to allow that relationship to destroy and new ones that may come my way. But so far, it is. My self esteem is shot and I have huge insecurity issues now. But I am slowly getting on the right path by doing counselling and working on myself. This site has helped me out tremendously! Thank u for the posts!

[James-London]

Thank you for this great post. It is nice to see some positive forward looking posts on here too. I was with a girl for 1 year and found out 6 weeks ago that she was cheating off and on throughout the relationship with 1 guy.

 

I can see how that my ex was not investing and sacrificing anything for the relationship. She was just using me for emotional support while she got her kicks with another guy who did not want a serious relationship with her.

 

The first thing I have learnt is that good communication is essential and cannot be compromised on. In my next relationship I will want to see real commitment to me with actions as well as words. If she cannot communicate her feelings, then alarm bells will start ringing and I will not just let that slide. At the end of the day, the question is: when you partner looks you in the eyes and tells you something, can you believe them in your gut?

 

I note what ZenStudent says above, but I don't fully agree. To have another genuinely loving relationship, it will be necessary to trust the other person and allow yourself to be vulnerable with them. If that is not possible, we would just be suspicious and scared of intimacy for the rest of our lives... which would be awful. I guess my learning from this is that I need to consciously monitor relationships more closely and critically assess how committed my partner is. I will look at her actions, not just her words. However, if she passes all these "tests", I would hope I could trust again, at least to some level.

 

I have also learnt that I was probably desperate to be in a relationship and have someone love me, because I felt so alone in the world. When I realised this, I resolved (about 2 weeks ago now) to work on myself first before sharing my life with anyone else. I have hit the gym and will now try out yoga (thanks to the post of someone above!).

[Spark1111]

All great points here.

 

I learned to better express my needs; clearly, succinctly, directly....and my discontent when they are ignored or go unmet.

 

I NEVER let things lie or fester that are important to me.....no more do I sacrifice or stuff them for the sake of making his life easier or less fractious. Those days are gone.

[NotCamelot]

I find that I am much less tolerant of bad behaviour from all people.

 

I also am quicker to respond to good and bad. But much less likely to criticize someone else's actions. Though I may comment, I try to find reason and, if asked, offer a "win-win way out" if I can.

 

I find that I now go out of my way to be nice, helpful, tolerant to and of others. Though I have always been thought of as the "nice guy" by others, I see that there were times I could have done more. Now I do.

 

I also have learned to say NO more often. I stopped putting others wants and needs ahead of my relationship. My wife and I come first. If I can fit something else into that, then OK.

 

And at 53 yrs old, my wife is my first focus again. Career, fun and games, all come second to her. She will never have a reason to look elsewhere...and she returns the same to me.

[carhill]

I would say the first experience, many years ago, helped develop a healthy skepticism regarding what women say about their relationship status. It laid the foundation for trusting them less, in general, than prior, which was at unhealthy levels.

 

Later, tangential contacts with MW's, not affairs, would further reduce benefit of the doubt to more healthy and equitable levels, bringing a clearer sense of equality in interpersonal relationships.

 

Most recently, the entirety of the circumstances removed all benefit of the doubt and what remained was clarity, which has been both incredibly freeing and also impetus to change, mainly getting the heck out of this place. The evaluation of that dynamic resulted from the process I went through, including marriage, affair, MC, divorce and death. I don't doubt myself any more and care far less about others than I used to, which was unhealthy. Balance.

[Betterthanthis13]

All great points here.

 

I learned to better express my needs; clearly, succinctly, directly....and my discontent when they are ignored or go unmet.

 

I NEVER let things lie or fester that are important to me.....no more do I sacrifice or stuff them for the sake of making his life easier or less fractious. Those days are gone.

 

I really like your post. I have a lot of questions about it. Because I was under the impression that I was already like this. I have historically not been a person to let things lie and fester, to not express my needs, to not enforce boundaries or stuff emotions, etc... I learned all that stuff a long long time ago and put it to action. But I think where I have gone wrong is that I compartmentalized a whole part of my brain where the true needs were and cut it off from the whole process. So even though I was displaying the right types of healthy behaviors it was was still not quite right. Anyway I don't want to T/J so Ill start a new thread to ask my questions

[HopingAgain]

Great post, Dichotomy!

 

I went to work on some of my long lost buried issues again. Started IC 1 month after Dday and making good progress. I've started opening up more emotionally and really regained interest in self improvement such as exercise, enjoying hobbies, meditating, praying.

 

Our relationship is also getting stronger and more fireproof because we talk more. We attended Retrovaille a few months after Dday and it transformed us and our marriage. We're attending another marriage retreat in a few months. We're making our marital strength and happiness a much bigger priority since experiencing infidelity.

[Coolit]

I don't know if fWWs are allowed but I'll chime in anyways.

 

It is hard to see thing better when I basically shot a good foot. My only complaint was rarely having sex and always initiated by me. I had a very high sex drive and it has been tamed by my A for now. And the sex we do have is more frequent and satisfying and not always initiated by me.

 

I think we are too soon out to see any major changes in us.

 

There is one thing my H shared and that is he was finally able to forgive an old girlfriend and her husband who betrayed him years ago. (H introduced them while dating her). He said it feels liberating. He also wrote letters of apology to a couple people he treated poorly.

[dichotomy]

I don't know if fWWs are allowed but I'll chime in anyways.

 

It is hard to see thing better when I basically shot a good foot. My only complaint was rarely having sex and always initiated by me. I had a very high sex drive and it has been tamed by my A for now. And the sex we do have is more frequent and satisfying and not always initiated by me.

 

I think we are too soon out to see any major changes in us.

 

There is one thing my H shared and that is he was finally able to forgive an old girlfriend and her husband who betrayed him years ago. (H introduced them while dating her). He said it feels liberating. He also wrote letters of apology to a couple people he treated poorly.

 

No problems.

 

So if I understand this - in forgiving you - your husband opened up more on forgiving in general - and even seeking forgiveness for his own mistakes and hurting others?. Well that is very much positive change and growth.

[Coolit]

No problems.

 

So if I understand this - in forgiving you - your husband opened up more on forgiving in general - and even seeking forgiveness for his own mistakes and hurting others?. Well that is very much positive change and growth.

 

I think you are right.

[drifter777]

Congratulations to all who can find something that got better after their WS's cheating.

 

As for me, my answer is nothing got better. Absolutely nothing.

[yellowmaverick]

Most everything has gotten worse (mostly due to fallout from the OW's stalking). However, one major aspect has gotten better. All my life, I have been a doormat - always the giver, always the one to volunteer to take the crap jobs or stay late, etc. My H was never one who could multi-task, so I carried 90+% of the work of our family life, even while working more hours than him and having a more challenging career.

 

After d-day, something snapped. I told him that, even though I was not reconciling with him, he needed to carry more of the "work" of raising our children. I stopped making meals and stopped doing laundry (frankly, our children were always on the go anyway). I told him that if he had time to screw around for three hours a day sexting and chatting with the OW, then he could devote at least the same amount of time to taking care of his kids, bills, housework, etc. I also stopped buying all of his clothing (because he doesn't like to shop), stopped buying his parents' Christmas gifts and birthday cards. In two years, I have never gone back to doing everything. It has sometimes been hard on the kids, but it has also been good for them to see me as a person, not just a doormat. Let's just say the last two years have been a real eye opener for him.

 

Additionally, in about a month, I will be making a major career move. My new job will come with a significant pay increase. By then, we will have a separation agreement in place to ensure that he has no rights to my income, now or in the future.

 

He thought that he could have his side-piece AND me because I did not believe in divorce. He thought that I would always stay with him. He thought wrongly.

[Furious]

We talk about the losses, the hurts, the struggles here on LS after infidelity. I certainly still deal with loss and negatives and downsides from this - but whether you stayed married or divorced, what if anything got better for you (personally) or for your relationship(s). How have you grown?

 

In my case, it gave me the final push I needed to resolve some self esteem issue in therapy. I have been a carrying some major esteem baggage for both both legitimate and non legitimate reasons. I addressed both real and not real reasons. I would not say I without insecurities, but I feel very centered, accepting of myself, and less moved by outside forces then I have ever. I could have used this at age 23 of course but better late the never

 

To expand my view of human behavior and understanding and less judging. Not the same thing as acceptance or allowing others to use or hurt me - but I am more open minded. and have more grace and tollerance for others choices and paths in relationships. I actually have enjoyed the learning through the formal and informal writings of others on relationships, marriage, sex, love, cheating,etc.

 

It restarted my interest in physical fitness and health again after really letting myself go. Beyond the health benefits, I kind of like it like a hobby - reading and learning - trying new things.

 

The last thing is a bit trickier to explain - I found myself less likely to put up with certain things and deal with those head on - and yet more likely to not get worked up about alot of others . I guess maybe a more laser focus on only a few select few things - and letting go and stop being up tight about so many other things.

 

 

 

The best thing I've learned is the art of letting go. I've learned that I am stronger than I realized.

 

That is is nothing to fear than fear itself.

 

I am a passionate person, loyal and I would always go the extra mile for those I love. I now do this for me too.

 

Blind love is overrated, I love with my eyes wide open.

[dichotomy]

However, one major aspect has gotten better. All my life, I have been a doormat - always the giver, always the one to volunteer to take the crap jobs or stay late, etc.

 

After d-day, something snapped. In two years, I have never gone back to doing everything.

 

Additionally, in about a month, I will be making a major career move. My new job will come with a significant pay increase.

 

 

Not being a dormant. Standing up for yourself. The flower that grows from the "manure" dumped in the soil.

 

Yes that -I actually got that from my first marriage and cheating wife. That positive trait was hard grown back then. It also served me well when my current wife revealed her EA - I roared like a lion that Dday because of that growth in me, and it helped save her and the marriage. Yes that trait was so hard earned.

 

You are better in this way yellowmaverick and it will serve you well.

Edited September 24, 2013 by dichotomy

[dichotomy]

 

....I would always go the extra mile for those I love. I now do this for me too.

.

 

 

Wow, That's major.

Edited September 24, 2013 by dichotomy

[ladydesigner]

That now my Life is about ME and I have no false hopes nor do I love blindly.

 

I appreciate my new friends that I've made who have become my main emotional support through this.

 

I realized things about myself that needed to change, mainly how I coped in difficult situations.

 

I have my own boundaries that I enforce now in our M.

 

*** I expect to be treated with respect and will not tolerate anything less than - we allow others to treat us the way we want to be treated.***

[RavenWolf]

Congratulations to all who can find something that got better after their WS's cheating.

 

As for me, my answer is nothing got better. Absolutely nothing.

 

I'm in this boat. Nothing got better. Instead, my self esteem is shot and I feel more worthless than ever.

 

I wish one day I can post something that "got better."

[drifter777]

I'm in this boat. Nothing got better. Instead, my self esteem is shot and I feel more worthless than ever.

 

I wish one day I can post something that "got better."

 

Building up your self-esteem is something that only you can do for yourself. A counselor can help, books and other education can help, but in the end it's all up to you. I hope one day in the future you can say that your self-esteem and feelings of hope have "gotten better" - if you can it will be due to your hard work, not the experience of your WS cheating on you.

[dichotomy]

Ditto. All I have is pain and regrets.

 

 

I read your back story. Don't wish to recap it here because it would sound... too critical.

 

Regret is a form of learning and can be a healthy thing if it leads to change in you. Are you wiser? Have you grown as a man from the choices with STBX? ....Will you chose better next time ...and be a better choice for a new woman? I think your STBX is in a "rince and repeat wash cycle" that may never be broken. You have a different path - a better path - you can take this time.

[Betterthanthis13]

Ditto. All I have is pain and regrets.

 

Now that you have identified that you have pain and regrets, what are you currently DOING about it? Is it working? Why or why not?

If you can't do anything right now, what do you plan in the future to do about this?

[RightThere]

I should add that most of my regrets have to do with how I handled the affair. I was too weak in the beginning. I never exposed to the OM's wife (didn't know her, hard to find her) and I really kick myself for that amongst other things. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

What other things do you wish you would have done early on after finding out? Do you think it would have changed the end result, or just how you feel about things looking back?

[Betterthanthis13]

I think your STBX is in a "rince and repeat wash cycle" that may never be broken.

 

That's what I used to think, and I've even accused her of that. I don't know, though. I really don't know to the extent her eye was wandering. I don't think this would've happened if I'd been my 'best self', in good form. So I do feel as though I've lost the best thing that happened to me, and the reality is very hard to deal with. Especially the broken family. The dream is over.

 

I should add that most of my regrets have to do with how I handled the affair. I was too weak in the beginning. I never exposed to the OM's wife (didn't know her, hard to find her) and I really kick myself for that amongst other things. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

 

 

Do you think if her ex-husband had been in his "best form" she would not have cheated on him with you?

 

It seems like she becomes unhappy for whatever reason, and her solution is to go find someone else without ending her current relationship first. Twice in 8 years she has now done it, so that sounds like a rinse/repeat pattern to me.

 

If my car starts breaking down and instead of fixing it, I just leave it in my driveway and go buy a new car, you might think I am a little strange but maybe I had my reasons for not selling the old car or trading it in towards the new car. If I did it again, and I now have 2 broken cars collecting rust in my driveway..it starts to be a pattern.

 

Does the OM's wife know now?