Not sure what to think......

[Mr-T]

I havent posted here in a while but thought i needed to to clear something up.

 

In July I found out that my wife of 4 years has been texting a co-worker and being very sexual with them. (very explicit messages with offers of sex)

 

The way I found out was she had her emails open on the computer and they were sitting right there for me to see. She had a SMS Backup set up to her phone and email account, which is how they were in her emails. I know I shouldn't have looked but I was intrigued.

 

I flipped my lid and contacted the guy and said to him that if it happens again I will come and get him. We sorted it out and she promised not to speak to him again.

 

A few weeks later I was curious and on the computer there is a log for skype and i see a 15 minute video call to him on there. Again I flip my lid and say if it happens again then I will just dump her stuff on the front garden and that will be it. I text him and said once more and thats it! I wont stop myself again.

 

I am not an aggressive person but repeatedly trying my patience will make me.

 

here's my problem. I cant stop thinking about it. I feel that although it was a pretty rubbish time for me and its taken me this long to get over the initial pain, we are stronger together both intimately and in the relationship.

 

I work late nights as a chef and she does a office 9-5 which causes problems anyway but I make sure i have time for her and spend as much time with her as possible.

 

I still hurt but I don't want to. We have a good relationship and I want us to move forward. I just feel that this is going to get in the way. I have said that I will forget it and start a fresh but I am feeling like I cant!

 

is there any advice i can be given? I need something!

 

Thanks

 

Mr-T

Edited September 18, 2013 by Mr-T

[NotCamelot]

First, I hope you are still checking EVERYTHING, everyday. A lot of times cheaters take things way under the radar when caught. And, since it kept going after you caught them...........

 

Secondly, it will take work from her to help you get past it. She has to show true regret, and remorse for the EA. If that is done and there is 100% transparency going forward, you can get to a point where it does not hurt as bad. Eventually it can be just a bad memory.

 

But, it will take a LOT more time.

[Mr-T]

Thanks for the reply. I don't check anything really. I don't want to dig around and look for stuff really although my head tells me I should.

 

She has said she is willing to help me through it. I know she feels awful about hurting me and I can see that. I told her that the hardest thing is that she works with the guy so I can't say you can't even speak to him.

 

I can't see this happening again but I have a little doubt niggling in my head that it will.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

In July I found out that my wife of 4 years has been texting a co-worker and being very sexual with them. (very explicit messages with offers of sex)

 

The way I found out was she had her emails open on the computer and they were sitting right there for me to see. She had a SMS Backup set up to her phone and email account, which is how they were in her emails. I know I shouldn't have looked but I was intrigued.

 

I flipped my lid and contacted the guy and said to him that if it happens again I will come and get him. We sorted it out and she promised not to speak to him again.

 

A few weeks later I was curious and on the computer there is a log for skype and i see a 15 minute video call to him on there. Again I flip my lid and say if it happens again then I will just dump her stuff on the front garden and that will be it. I text him and said once more and thats it! I wont stop myself again.

 

I am not an aggressive person but repeatedly trying my patience will make me.

 

here's my problem. I cant stop thinking about it. I feel that although it was a pretty rubbish time for me and its taken me this long to get over the initial pain, we are stronger together both intimately and in the relationship.

 

I work late nights as a chef and she does a office 9-5 which causes problems anyway but I make sure i have time for her and spend as much time with her as possible.

 

I still hurt but I don't want to. We have a good relationship and I want us to move forward. I just feel that this is going to get in the way. I have said that I will forget it and start a fresh but I am feeling like I cant!

 

is there any advice i can be given? I need something!

 

Thanks

 

Mr-T

 

You can't get over something that is not over. By over, I mean resolved.

 

It takes a lot more than saying "if it happens again" and then her not doing it anymore.

 

WHY did she do it? How did she think this type of thing was OK? And then your empty threat - I guess she saw right through that, because there she was skyping him and not even covering it up.

 

Why did you not "come and get him" like you said you would?

 

What are the consequences for cheating? Your husband telling you, "don't do it again or else"?

 

You have resolved nothing from her unfaithfulness. Or if you have, you haven't posted it yet.

 

First thing you must do is get the truth, or at least as close to it as possible. Then you will know what you need to do to either save your marriage or move on.

 

Have her write down a timeline of what occurred. Starting with the first inappropriate thought she had about this guy. Then how the inappropriate texting started and progressed, dates or approximate dates, and what she was thinking about as it progressed, regarding her, the other guy, and you.

 

Do you have any kids?

 

How do you know it wasn't physical?

 

How much of the messages were you able to read and what was the content - I love you, or just I want to sex you?

 

If she went back to it a few weeks later, the desire on her part to connect with this guy must be very strong, so strong that she was willing to risk your marriage for it, especially after you made it clear that it would not be tolerated again. Unless she knew that was just an empty threat based on your not following through on what you said you would do in the past.

 

Considering that her desire to be in contact with other guy is very strong, I think you have to explore WHY that is. It's not enough to just say, don't do it again (even if she had the willpower not to do it again).

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for the reply. I don't check anything really. I don't want to dig around and look for stuff really although my head tells me I should.

 

She has said she is willing to help me through it. I know she feels awful about hurting me and I can see that. I told her that the hardest thing is that she works with the guy so I can't say you can't even speak to him.

 

I can't see this happening again but I have a little doubt niggling in my head that it will.

 

Funny how we have different outlooks. Look at all the posts on this infidelity forum. Almost all of them involve it happening again. Especially if they work together.

 

She has to leave her job, or he does.

 

How likely is it to tell each other how hot they are for each other and then not act on it? It's not like they don't have physical access to each other. She has as much access to him as she does to you.

 

You seem like you are in a state of denial. You told her once, forcefully, "don't let this happen again." And it happened again. Why is this time different?

[Coolit]

I concur with others. The second time was bad. But I disagree with threatening the other guy. It is your wife's choice. She is the one that is breaking her vows. Now if he was persuing her against her will... That is a different story.

 

So, make a list of things she has to give you. And quiting her job is a must. I'm sorry, no one is strong enough to watch their spouse go out the door and then be in close proxemity with someone who they were intimate with (even if just words)

 

And be firm. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

[Mr-T]

Mickey, firstly I don't know it wasn't physical. It's what she has said. I can only take her word for that. As for my empty threat. It wasn't empty. Trust me. I was going out of my way to find him. The fact of the matter is that she is an office worker he is a contractor so he is consistently out of the workplace.

 

I don't have to sit her down like a child and examine where things took place and why. She is an adult at the end of the day. If she wants to end our marriage over a fling then that's her choice. I don't want it to happen obviously but if it does then it does.

 

I hope it doesn't happen again. That's all can say. I won't say she has to leave her job I trust her enough for her not to have to do that. We don't have any kids but that doesn't make any difference in my eyes. We have spoken about what happened and she has made a promise to me. If its broken then that's it. Over. No going back on that.

 

But don't think I won't stand up for myself. I am a bigger man that being violent and don't see how that resolves anything. It's just a weak way out for a lot of people.

[ChooseTruth]

She has to prove her trust back and that's hard thing to do. She's already royally screwed up there digging the hole even deeper.

 

People do quit or transfer jobs over this kind of thing...though it's usually men who do that =P. From what I've seen women are less likely.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Mickey, firstly I don't know it wasn't physical. It's what she has said. I can only take her word for that. As for my empty threat. It wasn't empty. Trust me. I was going out of my way to find him. The fact of the matter is that she is an office worker he is a contractor so he is consistently out of the workplace.

 

I don't have to sit her down like a child and examine where things took place and why. She is an adult at the end of the day. If she wants to end our marriage over a fling then that's her choice. I don't want it to happen obviously but if it does then it does.

 

I hope it doesn't happen again. That's all can say. I won't say she has to leave her job I trust her enough for her not to have to do that. We don't have any kids but that doesn't make any difference in my eyes. We have spoken about what happened and she has made a promise to me. If its broken then that's it. Over. No going back on that.

 

But don't think I won't stand up for myself. I am a bigger man that being violent and don't see how that resolves anything. It's just a weak way out for a lot of people.

 

First of all, I'm on your side.

 

I also agree that any violence only will be bad for you and is not the answer. But you were the one who seemed to threaten it, and when you threaten something and don't do it, then it makes each future "threat" "ultimatum" "promise" look weaker.

 

I was cheated on. And I know others who were. And I've been reading these threads. So what I can tell you is that cheaters follow a script. Cheaters NEVER tell the truth about the affair when first caught. NEVER. The chances that your wife is lying to you are about 100%.

 

I strongly suspect it was a physical affair, that based just on both of them being physically together and expressing desire for one another and then not stopping once caught the first time, and also based on the experiences I know about in my life and the experiences of others posted on this forum.

 

How sexual is your wife with you? She was sending this guy a lot of sexual messages. How often does she initiate with you? Talk sexy to you? Have sex with you?

 

What was the reason your wife was sexting this guy? What did your wife say was the reason?

 

You are acting like you are a normal married couple and your wife is trustworthy. That is not your reality. You have no basis for believing your wife, except on some distant past when you thought she was faithful and honest. She is not. Not now.

 

You are in denial. You are engaging in wishful thinking.

 

I am trying to help you avoid future pain and heartache AND WASTED TIME. If this is an affair and you want to save your marriage, the time to take action and tackle this problem is now.

 

If you want the truth and want to save yourself a lot of time and trouble, buy a couple of voice-activated recorders, put one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around, and one in her car. You will have your answer about whether she is in contact with him in less than a week. Then you can base your actions on the real truth, not the wishful truth. Hopefully for you are the same thing, but usually they are not.

 

This forum contains the experiences of many like you. Including me. Why do you think you are different and your wife is different than all the rest of us?

[BetrayedH]

Two months and you expect to be over it already, while she continues to work with the OM? You are way off the mark.

 

She leaves the job, or he does. Her life is an open book for years to come. She agrees to full transparency and you both accept that when you investigate and find nothing, you both win.

 

It's time for you to fight for your marriage, and I don't mean with violence. You need to get educated on how this works. It sure as hell doesn't work by hoping you can trust an established cheat and liar.

[road]

WW must leave that job.

 

Without NC/no contact, the affair will never end.

 

You must expose this affair. Tell OMW, parents, WW parents, siblings. Do not threaten to expose that never works. Never warn that you are going to expose that gives the WW and OM time to block you and do damage control.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Mr-T]

Ok mickey, fair enough. Think I might have read into that a little more than I should have. My apologies!

 

As for her leaving her job or him, I don't want there to be a shred of resentment as I know she does enjoy her work but I agree one has to go but I can't make him leave. (That sounds a bit confused but I know what I mean)

 

Exposure sure. I am planning on ruining his life with this. Like he did mine. As soon as I find out his wife/girlfriends name I will find her on Facebook and tell her all about it. I'll even copy the messages if she wants.

 

Maybe I am in denial or wishful thinking but at the moment that helps me. I don't really want to be going to work for 14 hours thinking about what might be happening.

 

I will have a chat with her and ask a few things you have said. I want to know if what she has told me is the truth. And I hope that she is the 1 out of the hundreds that has actually been true to me about what's happened.

 

Cheers for the replies. It's good to get an outsiders view on things.