The conflict avoidant aspect of my xWS

[Betterthanthis13]

This is (in my opinion) a good summary of a personality type who is conflict-avoidant. THAT is a phrase I never thought I would know. I am definitely not conflict avoidant. Anyway, according to some people, conflict-avoidant personalities or tendencies are one of the things that seem to crop up over and over in people who cheat.

 

I'm probably not being very sensitive this evening, sorry if I am offending anyone, I'm just trying to learn more about my xbf's particular dysfunction so I can more easily recognize it in the future and not get blindsided again. I thought we just got along really well..... Oops

 

He also had the external validation thing to some degree and some entitlement stuff going on but in hindsight this was the majority of his deal. I could have picked up on the other two if they were the main ones. I guess my strategy with any new guys when I start dating again is to pick a lot of fights early on and see what happens?? Joking. Not really. I am sorry for being a jerk. I actually like conflict because it is interesting. I dont understand why people would not. Well, i didn't understand until I started paying attention. Now that this has been shoved in my face by the way of terrorizing my life.... I am on it.

 

I am not easily offended so this whole idea of conflict-avoidant personality is a complete mystery to me. I should have paid more attention in psych 101 in college.

 

Anyway this is my version of Monday morning quarterback.. Reviewing the tapes and trying to learn something from it. If anyone has any input about conflict-avoidant personalities and how they relate to infidelity, and more importantly how to spot these characters quickly so I can avoid and/or discard them (with conflict if necessary) in the future, that would be super awesome.

 

EMOTIONALLY/CONFLICT AVOIDANT PERSONALITY CLUSTER: This cluster is based on avoiding emotions and conflicts. This cluster comes from leftover beliefs formed when growing up in emotionally repressive households where conflict avoidance was modeled. Persons, emotionally and conflict avoidant, have difficulty forming and sustaining close relationships. Often critical of both themselves and others, they distrust emotions and appear rigid and thin-skinned. More prone to anxiety, shyness, approval seeking, unassertiveness, mistrust, and compulsive behavior, they may undergo periods of depression due their limited emotional connection with others and challenges expressing themselves directly. They prefer to keep others at a "safe" distance and may prove elusive and frustrating to persons desiring closer emotional contact. Because of being frequently out of touch with their emotions, they often misread people and situations. They are very security conscious. Typical thoughts of the Emotionally/Conflict Avoidance Personality Cluster are:

 

*Conflicts are scary and uncomfortable.

*Anger is frightening and sometimes feels overwhelming.

*I can't take feeling out of control.

*Strong emotions feel overwhelming.

*I hide my feelings to avoid hurting others and being hurt.

*I have a secret emotional side that I seldom

show others.

*I'm hyper-alert for being criticized and often think people are putting me down.

*I prefer comfort and solitude away from others.

*There's no need to analyze our feelings and motivations when we disagree.

*Conflicts disappear in time, so why bother?

*I'm often uninterested in getting involved with others. It's too much bother.

*People want more from me than I have to give.

*Why talk about issues when they might lead to fights.

*Conflicts and fights scare me. I avoid them.

*Some areas of my life are best kept secret from my partner.

*When I become angry or anxious, I prefer to be left alone and think about other things.

*Analyzing a situation psychologically is too much trouble.

*Why do people want to know so much about me? They must think I'm abnormal.

*Being in a commited relationship makes me feel anxious.

*I hate it when people ask me about how I feel--why are they prying?

*I feel trapped and hemmed in by others sometimes.

*Why do loved ones act so needy?

*When I get close to others I feel on edge.

*I need space.

*Most areas in my relationship won't change.

*Talking about our conflicts just makes everything worse--why go there?

*It's inappropriate to show strong feelings of anger.

*Talking about conflicts feels scary.

*Emotional and conflictual discussions should go quickly. I don't have all day to go over conflicts or to beat dead horses.

Let's get this over.

*No one needs to change. I certainly don't want to.

*No need to disagree--I'm not the disagreeable sort.

*Talking about my sadness, anger, or fear makes me look immature and self-absorbed. Let's talk about something else.

*If I begin to get strong negative feelings I ignore them and get active. I don't notice my feelings then.

*I have no need to persuade my partner to my way of thinking. I don't want to be persuaded either.

*Thinking positive is my motto.

*If I have negative feelings I keep them to myself. They'll go away if I ignore them.

*Anger solves nothing.

*I never disagree with my partner. Most times we don't talk about what bothers us. No need to.

*I feel weird expressing emotions.

*Expressing negative feelings is self-centered. I don't want to disturb my partner.

*Talking about emotions is BORING!

*Life should be comfortable and pleasant. Why rock the boat?

[ChooseTruth]

Wow great stuff there. I think it was Sparks who first called the conflict avoidant/infidelity pattern to my attention. It fits my ex's entire family. My family is exactly the opposite. I grew up as a Baha'i so I was used to being the subject of controversy and defending myself from others living in the bible belt in Texas (I grew up there). My ex grew up in a family where her parents disagreed about religion and just kept it completely hush hush to avoid any fights. I still wonder what her father really believes to this day.

 

The huge gap between ex and myself communication wise was a gigantic problem that we didn't see at first. My mother was kind of an explosive personality growing up so I wanted someone who wasn't as crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into. I know how to deal with crazy emotions. They don't phase me too much. I didn't know how to deal with conflict avoidant. The concept never even occurred to me. In rebellion against my mother I felt I was a pretty calm person, being an introvert and all. My ex though, couldn't handle any sort of conflict. It freaked her out. She would get so upset...and then I couldn't even drag whatever it was out of her. I'd sit there and try and try telling her we couldn't solve anything if I didn't know what was wrong. Finally BOOOMMMM it would come out and I got it full on screamed at me. I could handle that...but she hated it. She finally seemed to start to get better about raising issues proactively and calmly later in the marriage. One time she came to me with all these issues and I was so impressed. A couple months later I found out she had already been deep into an affair...sigh....

 

 

Rereading your post...I get it you are looking for discussion of signs of conflict avoidant people. Hmm, honestly I don't think I could top your list.

 

I think like a lot of things there's a balance. Here it's probably between conflict avoidant types and people who are verbally abusive. I guess looking for the assertive anger management style person. I wish I had understood that just because I was sick of my mother's craziness didn't necessarily mean I needed to find someone who was the opposite. Well now I have experience with both I guess...lol.

[Zenstudent]

I really can't be of much assistance. I would fit a lot of the points on your list, I don't seek conflicts or confrontations, rooted in childhood, quite a nice guy really, honest and with integrity, but still conflict avoidant to a certain degree (doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself).

 

That would make you think I'm a potential cheater, when really I was the one who got cheated on big time - maybe because I don't confront and resolve conflicts very well. Just wondering

[todreaminblue]

sometimes it is good to face conflict head on....but sometimes it is better to save it for another day...when emotions are high it is impossible to sort anything out if you are a person with mental illness for example yes you avoid conflict........because last thing you need is a trigger for an attack or episode......people who arent conflict avoidant need to realize standing there heating things up is not always good and that some people are not suited to immediate right lets have it out now but more organized discussion.....i am conflict avoidant but i face conflict when i have to.....stood out side wih 2 large guys one had a large bowie knife...so if i can face that ....this chick can face any conflict....i just choose when too...which is my right..unless of course you have a knife like crocodile dundee then ill face you if you spring it on me and.......I win....

 

 

 

if you write down a whole heap of flaws its like looking up an illness on google....i have seven hundred illnesses according to google....i should be dead by now some of them were terminal..the same with this list......i see them and go yep me yep me yep me.....whether thats true or not ...dont think so

 

 

as a partner i am a dedicated loyal loving passionate and honest i am also conflict avoidant....i prefer discussion to argument as i am schizo affective as well....deb

Edited September 18, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Betterthanthis13]

I really can't be of much assistance. I would fit a lot of the points on your list, I don't seek conflicts or confrontations, rooted in childhood, quite a nice guy really, honest and with integrity, but still conflict avoidant to a certain degree (doesn't mean I can't stand up for myself).

 

That would make you think I'm a potential cheater, when really I was the one who got cheated on big time - maybe because I don't confront and resolve conflicts very well. Just wondering

 

Wow- I totally wasn't expecting that I think of you as a person who would be calm and able to discuss issues when they arise. I definitely think there is more to it which is why I posted this- you are the last person I would think would ever cheat.

 

I think maybe "conflict avoidant" is a spectrum like many other things- one of the other big things that is repeated over and over about cheaters is that they have a sense of entitlement or narcissistic personality traits- if we printed out a list of those I could probably identify with some of the things on the list but I don't think I'm a full blown narcissist or have entitlement "issues", I just tend to be more confident than insecure and neurotic (in general, when I'm not dealing with the aftermath of infidelity) but who knows-- maybe I am. I'm sure I could be if I didn't keep myself in check and chose to shut out reason and logic in favor of compliments when I was younger, like I think many women unfortunately do.

 

But I've also never cheated, and while I understand the argument that nobody is immune from it, and many BS become involved in A's later.... I really can't imagine any scenario that could get me to compromise myself that way at any point in the future- especially after all this.

[Betterthanthis13]

sometimes it is good to face conflict head on....but sometimes it is better to save it for another day...when emotions are high it is impossible to sort anything out if you are a person with mental illness for example yes you avoid conflict........because last thing you need is a trigger for an attack or episode......people who arent conflict avoidant need to realize standing there heating things up is not always good and that some people are not suited to immediate right lets have it out now but more organized discussion.....i am conflict avoidant but i face conflict when i have to.....stood out side wih 2 large guys one had a large bowie knife...so if i can face that ....this chick can face any conflict....i just choose when too...which is my right..unless of course you have a knife like crocodile dundee then ill face you if you spring it on me and.......I win....

 

 

 

if you write down a whole heap of flaws its like looking up an illness on google....i have seven hundred illnesses according to google....i should be dead by now some of them were terminal..the same with this list......i see them and go yep me yep me yep me.....whether thats true or not ...dont think so

 

 

as a partner i am a dedicated loyal loving passionate and honest i am also conflict avoidant....i prefer discussion to argument as i am schizo affective as well....deb

 

Well Deb, I promise I don't have a crocodile knife I don't even like to argue and I'm not a yeller, ever. Ill stop and walk or take a break if anything ever gets heated with anyone, but I think the point was not so much conflict=fighting, but conflict=productive discussion anyway.

 

I love it when people think things that are different than me because it is interesting and I like to know about it, and why they think that, and how they came to think it, etc... Doesn't mean I want to fight or change their mind to think what I think. I just don't avoid disagreeing, and didn't see that xbf simply agreed with me on a lot of things not because he actually agreed, but because he didn't feel comfortable disagreeing and discussing it. Hope that makes sense.

 

BTW...I gave the drawing of the poem to an elderly friend who is homebound and told her the story of how I got the idea for the drawing and she loved it...

[Zenstudent]

Wow- I totally wasn't expecting that I think of you as a person who would be calm and able to discuss issues when they arise. I definitely think there is more to it which is why I posted this- you are the last person I would think would ever cheat.

 

I think maybe "conflict avoidant" is a spectrum like many other things- one of the other big things that is repeated over and over about cheaters is that they have a sense of entitlement or narcissistic personality traits- if we printed out a list of those I could probably identify with some of the things on the list but I don't think I'm a full blown narcissist or have entitlement "issues", I just tend to be more confident than insecure and neurotic (in general, when I'm not dealing with the aftermath of infidelity) but who knows-- maybe I am. I'm sure I could be if I didn't keep myself in check and chose to shut out reason and logic in favor of compliments when I was younger, like I think many women unfortunately do.

 

But I've also never cheated, and while I understand the argument that nobody is immune from it, and many BS become involved in A's later.... I really can't imagine any scenario that could get me to compromise myself that way at any point in the future- especially after all this.

Well, infidelity has tought me to always expect the unexpected

I think your assesment of me in the first paragraph is pretty accurate, and I think you're right that it's a spectrum. I'm not conflict avoidant in the sense that I flee from every discussion, on the contrary, but sometimes I choose to walk away fron confrontation - you may say I choose my battles carefully.

 

Also a comment on the "as a BS I would never cheat" - I used to say the same thing, but... as time has gone by, I also realize that I've changed my view a bit. Before her affair, I mentioned this in another post somewhere, infidelity wasn't even on my long range radar, I never looked at other women in THAT way - well, things has changed, and it actually come to my mind from time to time. "She apparantly didn't value our relationship that much, so why should I?" - so I tell myself.

But don't worry, I don't think I'll be able to do this to her/us - it won't do any good to anyone, and I'm pretty certain that my integrity will hold the fort - I do believe that I'll ask for an open marriage berfore I'll cheat. But the thought has been seeded - a bit sad really.

[Betterthanthis13]

I turned conflict avoidant with my ex when I realised that the marriage was dead - I stopped arguing with him or talking to him and he thought everything was alright then.

 

That must have been extremely frustrating- how long were you married? I have not read your whole story, only bits. So you were married and fighting all the time, then decided to give up and stop fighting with him (but not resolve anything) when you realized it was pointless... And he thought that meant things were magically alright? Wow. How long ago was that? Why didn't you just leave him? Do you have kids?

[Betterthanthis13]

Well, infidelity has tought me to always expect the unexpected

I think your assesment of me in the first paragraph is pretty accurate, and I think you're right that it's a spectrum. I'm not conflict avoidant in the sense that I flee from every discussion, on the contrary, but sometimes I choose to walk away fron confrontation - you may say I choose my battles carefully.

 

Also a comment on the "as a BS I would never cheat" - I used to say the same thing, but... as time has gone by, I also realize that I've changed my view a bit. Before her affair, I mentioned this in another post somewhere, infidelity wasn't even on my long range radar, I never looked at other women in THAT way - well, things has changed, and it actually come to my mind from time to time. "She apparantly didn't value our relationship that much, so why should I?" - so I tell myself.

But don't worry, I don't think I'll be able to do this to her/us - it won't do any good to anyone, and I'm pretty certain that my integrity will hold the fort - I do believe that I'll ask for an open marriage berfore I'll cheat. But the thought has been seeded - a bit sad really.

 

I do think about it too, it's easy for me to say that NOW- but I don't have any pressure at the moment, like you do, because I am not in R and I am not in a new relationship. I can't predict the future. I also never thought I would become a PI and go through anyone's cell phone, or attend a Sex Addicts Anaonamous meeting to support a serial cheating spouse, or know what Ashley Madison is, or how Backpage works... but hey. Live and learn. I am more interesting and well rounded now, right? Lol.

[Betterthanthis13]

Wow great stuff there. I think it was Sparks who first called the conflict avoidant/infidelity pattern to my attention. It fits my ex's entire family. My family is exactly the opposite. I grew up as a Baha'i so I was used to being the subject of controversy and defending myself from others living in the bible belt in Texas (I grew up there). My ex grew up in a family where her parents disagreed about religion and just kept it completely hush hush to avoid any fights. I still wonder what her father really believes to this day.

 

The huge gap between ex and myself communication wise was a gigantic problem that we didn't see at first. My mother was kind of an explosive personality growing up so I wanted someone who wasn't as crazy. I had no idea what I was getting into. I know how to deal with crazy emotions. They don't phase me too much. I didn't know how to deal with conflict avoidant. The concept never even occurred to me. In rebellion against my mother I felt I was a pretty calm person, being an introvert and all. My ex though, couldn't handle any sort of conflict. It freaked her out. She would get so upset...and then I couldn't even drag whatever it was out of her. I'd sit there and try and try telling her we couldn't solve anything if I didn't know what was wrong. Finally BOOOMMMM it would come out and I got it full on screamed at me. I could handle that...but she hated it. She finally seemed to start to get better about raising issues proactively and calmly later in the marriage. One time she came to me with all these issues and I was so impressed. A couple months later I found out she had already been deep into an affair...sigh....

 

 

Rereading your post...I get it you are looking for discussion of signs of conflict avoidant people. Hmm, honestly I don't think I could top your list.

 

I think like a lot of things there's a balance. Here it's probably between conflict avoidant types and people who are verbally abusive. I guess looking for the assertive anger management style person. I wish I had understood that just because I was sick of my mother's craziness didn't necessarily mean I needed to find someone who was the opposite. Well now I have experience with both I guess...lol.

 

That's really interesting- my therapist and I have had more than one discussion about me "overcorrecting" when picking him to be in my life, because my mom was also very explosive, and around the time xbf and I got together I had a huge issue with her that resulted in me finally severing ties... So apparently my "picker" was malfunctioning. That's Ivy League level therapeutic advice right there....

 

I've never heard of your religion before either, googled- interesting. I didn't know they allowed hippies in Texas hehehe

[pteromom]

I meet a lot of the criteria on that list too. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, which made me very uncomfortable with arguments or any conflict that becomes heated.

 

I am also very independent, which makes me prone to being responsible for my own happiness and therefore not needing much from someone else. So it is very rare that I need to address a concern or discuss my feelings.

 

And I'm rational-minded, and averse to needy or overly-emotional behavior.

 

So yeah, I meet a lot of those criteria.

 

But I would never cheat. Because cheating isn't just about avoiding conflict - it's about selling out one's own integrity.

[Betterthanthis13]

I meet a lot of the criteria on that list too. I grew up in an emotionally abusive household, which made me very uncomfortable with arguments or any conflict that becomes heated.

 

I am also very independent, which makes me prone to being responsible for my own happiness and therefore not needing much from someone else. So it is very rare that I need to address a concern or discuss my feelings.

 

And I'm rational-minded, and averse to needy or overly-emotional behavior.

 

So yeah, I meet a lot of those criteria.

 

But I would never cheat. Because cheating isn't just about avoiding conflict - it's about selling out one's own integrity.

 

That is extremely interesting to me... because I could write the paragraph descrption you just wrote verbatim about myself.... but I disagree with many of the items on the list. Maybe we are interpreting them differently?

[compulsivedancer]

I'm pretty conflict-avoidant. Which surprises people because I can be pretty ferocious. But what that means is I can seem unnecessarily upset about little things and then on the things that matter, no one notices I'm upset at all. Or so H tells me. Before the A, I THOUGHT I was communicating and H wasn't listening. Turns out I was whispering my problems and then was surprised he didn't hear them.

 

As far as family goes, my whole family is socially and emotionally awkward. I am the MOST well-adjusted of the group, but still have some of those issues after many many years of work.

 

There were lots of other factors in the A, but when you add up those main things: validation need, conflict-avoidant, selfish and feeling entitled, you describe what was going through my head during the A pretty accurately.

[ChooseTruth]

I'm pretty conflict-avoidant. Which surprises people because I can be pretty ferocious. But what that means is I can seem unnecessarily upset about little things and then on the things that matter, no one notices I'm upset at all. Or so H tells me. Before the A, I THOUGHT I was communicating and H wasn't listening. Turns out I was whispering my problems and then was surprised he didn't hear them.

 

As far as family goes, my whole family is socially and emotionally awkward. I am the MOST well-adjusted of the group, but still have some of those issues after many many years of work.

 

There were lots of other factors in the A, but when you add up those main things: validation need, conflict-avoidant, selfish and feeling entitled, you describe what was going through my head during the A pretty accurately.

This is a really common thing to have happen between wives and husbands I understand. I've heard them called "wife hints". ^^

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm pretty conflict-avoidant. Which surprises people because I can be pretty ferocious. But what that means is I can seem unnecessarily upset about little things and then on the things that matter, no one notices I'm upset at all. Or so H tells me. Before the A, I THOUGHT I was communicating and H wasn't listening. Turns out I was whispering my problems and then was surprised he didn't hear them.

 

As far as family goes, my whole family is socially and emotionally awkward. I am the MOST well-adjusted of the group, but still have some of those issues after many many years of work.

 

There were lots of other factors in the A, but when you add up those main things: validation need, conflict-avoidant, selfish and feeling entitled, you describe what was going through my head during the A pretty accurately.

 

6 months ago if someone had told me their personality included "conflict avoidance" I would have thought, COOL, this person is easy going.... because I didn't know about all this stuff in detail. I do love the word "ferocious" though, definitely using that one in a sentence today...