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Definition of a Serial Cheater?


JustAReformedGirl

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JustAReformedGirl

I'm actually curious as to what defines a serial cheater. Some may think this to be a stupid question; perhaps it is. :o

 

So, I ask: what defines someone as a serial cheater? Obviously "serial" pertains to more than six times. Is it the number of times one has cheated on their partner, regardless of whether they had one AP, or many?

 

Or is a serial cheater strictly someone who has cheated multiple times on their spouse, with multiple partners?

 

Does serial cheater apply to someone who cheated on their spouse more than six or seven times, with a single AP? Or is there a different title for someone who cheats multiple times, with the same partner?

 

I'm just curious. I respectfully request that there be no bashing or political in-fighting in this thread. Please remain on topic.

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I'm not sure what the number 6 has to do with anything.

 

My definition of a serial cheater is someone that has had more than one affair.

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JustAReformedGirl
I'm not sure what the number 6 has to do with anything.

 

My definition of a serial cheater is someone that has had more than one affair.

 

I was under the impression that what makes something "serial" is when it occurs 6-7 or more times. Upon further investigation, no number is actually involved in the definition of "serial", none that I've found, currently. That's my folly. :/

 

I suppose it just means "multiple". However, I am still curious to see what others consider a "serial cheater" to be. A form of research, if you will.

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I think it means cheating multiple times, no matter who the affair partner(s) is/are. My thread is called "a serial cheater comes clean." I had more than one affair.

 

I think a serial cheater also needs to do a WHOLE lot more work, and it has to go deeper than some sort of Cesar Milan behavior modification.

 

Which is why I am in IC.

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JustAReformedGirl
I think it means cheating multiple times, no matter who the affair partner(s) is/are. My thread is called "a serial cheater comes clean." I had more than one affair.

 

I think a serial cheater also needs to do a WHOLE lot more work, and it has to go deeper than some sort of Cesar Milan behavior modification.

 

Which is why I am in IC.

 

I remember your thread. And you're absolutely right; for a cheater that wishes to reconcile, a lot more heavy lifting is required-for a serial cheater, I imagine that load rivals Atlas'.

 

I hope things are improving for you, Jane.

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compulsivedancer

I would tend to say AP #3. Two affairs could be explained away, esp. if they happened a long time apart. Once you get to three, you're talking addiction to affairs (or a serious problem that hasn't been addressed).

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JustAReformedGirl
I would tend to say AP #3. Two affairs could be explained away, esp. if they happened a long time apart. Once you get to three, you're talking addiction to affairs (or a serious problem that hasn't been addressed).

 

I see. Thanks for the input, CD.

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compulsivedancer

According to wikipedia, the definition of a serial killer: "A serial killer is traditionally defined as a person who has killed three or more people[1][2] over a period of more than a month, with down time (a "cooling off period") between the murders, and whose motivation for killing is usually based on psychological gratification." I guess the FBI only requires 2, but with some specific requirements.

 

I imagine a serial cheater would be similar. Multiple APs (or ONSs). I probably wouldn't require breaks in between for affairs, since that's an ongoing activing; in fact some people seem to carry on multiple ones simultaneously, but for ONSs I would (otherwise it would be a "spree").

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For all practical purposes I would define a serial cheater at two.

 

One time for anything can be an aberration and an exception to the rule. Once someone screws a 2nd person that is establishing a trend and pattern. For all you know they just haven't got to number 324 yet.

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JustAReformedGirl
According to wikipedia, the definition of a serial killer: "A serial killer is traditionally defined as a person who has killed three or more people[1][2] over a period of more than a month, with down time (a "cooling off period") between the murders, and whose motivation for killing is usually based on psychological gratification." I guess the FBI only requires 2, but with some specific requirements.

 

I imagine a serial cheater would be similar. Multiple APs (or ONSs). I probably wouldn't require breaks in between for affairs, since that's an ongoing activing; in fact some people seem to carry on multiple ones simultaneously, but for ONSs I would (otherwise it would be a "spree").

 

What on earth made me think serial was 6-7 or more? :confused: It must have been a definition I was given at a younger age, and didn't question. But you're right; 3 seems to be the number, provided it's consistent.

 

I'm just not sure what category I fit into. Why it matters, I'm not sure; I guess I just want to better understand myself. I cheated 4 times with the same AP. I suppose it was a spree, as it was with the same AP? (The breaks lasted 3-4 months for the last two times I did it).

 

About the only good choice I've made in regards to this is that the affair isn't on-going. Aside from that, I f*cked up, royally.

 

So much for not being like my parents.

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JustAReformedGirl
For all practical purposes I would define a serial cheater at two.

 

One time for anything can be an aberration and an exception to the rule. Once someone screws a 2nd person that is establishing a trend and pattern. For all you know they just haven't got to number 324 yet.

 

So, in your opinion, it's the number of APs? Just checking, to be sure.

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JustAReformedGirl
The same AP counts as one affair.

 

Okay, now I get it. I don't get why I didn't understand that earlier.

 

Sorry, I'm all over the place, lately.

 

Well, in that case, I'll never be a serial cheater. Never. I know, plenty of people have probably said that. I cannot and will not put myself through this much agony, ever again. If I had a time machine, I'd undo it all, and do what I should have done to begin with; let go of my H before we even tied the knot, instead of chasing the ghost of our relationship's past. After that, I'd pursue who I want to be with, without this big, ugly mess all around me.

 

I don't think I'll ever stop kicking myself over this.

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Yes, multiple affair partners.

 

I think three would be the magic number for me to say serial.

 

To me, it's someone that...since the cheating behavior is how they operate, the affair partner is just the next affair.

 

My X, a true serial cheater, cheated just to cheat. It was the entire process he enjoyed. The partners were anyone fairly attractive and willing. He enjoyed the conquest, the validation.

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So, in your opinion, it's the number of APs? Just checking, to be sure.

 

yes.

 

To be serial cheater # 2 AP is where you cross the threshold.

 

For a singular AP the first encounter could be called a ONS if no return visit is ever made. at encounter # 2 it is an affair.

 

The 2nd time of anything is critical because that is where the trend and pattern is starting to be established.

 

#3 is the confirmation.

 

Once someone has screwed somebody a second time you have to assume it will continue.

 

Once someone has screwed a second person you have to assume that #s 3, 4 and 472 are on the way, they just haven't got to them yet.

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compulsivedancer
What on earth made me think serial was 6-7 or more? :confused: It must have been a definition I was given at a younger age, and didn't question. But you're right; 3 seems to be the number, provided it's consistent.

 

I'm just not sure what category I fit into. Why it matters, I'm not sure; I guess I just want to better understand myself. I cheated 4 times with the same AP. I suppose it was a spree, as it was with the same AP? (The breaks lasted 3-4 months for the last two times I did it).

 

About the only good choice I've made in regards to this is that the affair isn't on-going. Aside from that, I f*cked up, royally.

 

So much for not being like my parents.

Just make sure you put safeguards in place to ensure that you don't go back again. After all, you've made that mistake 3 times now. Think about a smoker that tries to quit over an over again. Sometimes she quits for a couple days, sometimes for months or even years at a time. This is why they always classify alcoholics as alcoholics (eg. "recovering alcoholic"), even years after giving it up, because it's so easy to go back when you have an addiction.

 

It sounds to me that in your case, it's this one particular AP that you're addicted to. If you do all the classic things that are part of NC, even some of the drastic ones, like changing e-mails and phone numbers, that might be a way to offer some additional safeguards.

 

When I was really struggling with NC, I was very very glad that H had me block all of my social media accounts and delete him out of my phone (I don't remember his number). The ONLY way I could've contacted him would've been at his work or his home. And because he lives with his parents and people know me at his work (I used to work there), that makes it very very complicated. These additional complications made it impossible for me to shoot him a text or email in a moment of weakness. I would've had to do some extra work to contact him, so it would've had to be very intentional.

 

It made it a lot easier, too, that H knows, AP's GF and parents know, our whole friends group knows. I know most people don't spread the word. But this did give so many possible avenues for my husband to find out if I ever slipped up.

 

I resented all of this in the moment, but it made the different between NC and going back. And it makes all the difference in being able move on (and in my case reconcile).

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compulsivedancer

The 2nd time of anything is critical because that is where the trend and pattern is starting to be established.

 

#3 is the confirmation.

 

Once someone has screwed somebody a second time you have to assume it will continue.

 

Once someone has screwed a second person you have to assume that #s 3, 4 and 472 are on the way, they just haven't got to them yet.

 

This is true for going back to AP, too. Because you keep going back, we have to assume that you'll keep going back. Thus the importance of doing something different and more drastic this time around, if you are truly committed to changing. (Also, IC, so that you can work through some of the issues surrounding your A and M?)

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JustAReformedGirl
Just make sure you put safeguards in place to ensure that you don't go back again. After all, you've made that mistake 3 times now. Think about a smoker that tries to quit over an over again. Sometimes she quits for a couple days, sometimes for months or even years at a time. This is why they always classify alcoholics as alcoholics (eg. "recovering alcoholic"), even years after giving it up, because it's so easy to go back when you have an addiction.

 

It sounds to me that in your case, it's this one particular AP that you're addicted to. If you do all the classic things that are part of NC, even some of the drastic ones, like changing e-mails and phone numbers, that might be a way to offer some additional safeguards.

 

When I was really struggling with NC, I was very very glad that H had me block all of my social media accounts and delete him out of my phone (I don't remember his number). The ONLY way I could've contacted him would've been at his work or his home. And because he lives with his parents and people know me at his work (I used to work there), that makes it very very complicated. These additional complications made it impossible for me to shoot him a text or email in a moment of weakness. I would've had to do some extra work to contact him, so it would've had to be very intentional.

 

It made it a lot easier, too, that H knows, AP's GF and parents know, our whole friends group knows. I know most people don't spread the word. But this did give so many possible avenues for my husband to find out if I ever slipped up.

 

I resented all of this in the moment, but it made the different between NC and going back. And it makes all the difference in being able move on (and in my case reconcile).

 

If I was going to reconcile, I'd certainly follow this advice. Right now, AP and I have LC going, and the affair ended for both our peace of mind. I need to get out of my marriage, and adapt to the change that comes with it, before doing anything else. Once I've done so, AP and want to try our hand at a legit relationship.

 

I won't say there isn't an addiction-but I will say it's more than that. I can see a life with him so clearly; this isn't something that comes easily for me. I think my one mistake really was in the infidelity, not my AP, himself.

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compulsivedancer

Gotcha. That is a little different if you are planning to try a relationship with him post-M. So I'm curious, then: why do you need LC? Is it just too complicated while you're married? Is it to help you figure things out with telling your H and getting D?

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JustAReformedGirl
Gotcha. That is a little different if you are planning to try a relationship with him post-M. So I'm curious, then: why do you need LC? Is it just too complicated while you're married? Is it to help you figure things out with telling your H and getting D?

 

LC, because I keep him apprised of what's going on in my relationship (such as having the D discussion with my H, and how that's going, along with my financial dilemma) and he keeps me updated about his living situation, which has to take precedence to "us", since being homeless would make it kind of difficult for him to engage in any sort of relationship with anyone.

 

But yes, part of it does revolve around how to tackle that particular subject. My H knows a lot-and is in denial about a lot more.

 

I haven't trickle truthed him; it's as though he refuses to process what has occurred, and what will occur down the road.

 

Seriously, I think I need to make a thread dedicated to that, again. An update is definitely necessary at this point. :(

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"A SERIAL CHEATER" They are master manipulators who pursue emotional highs without any moral boundaries. They often target married people because it heightens the feeling of conquest when they take what belongs to another. "Serial Cheaters" will always cheat on their spouse but rarely initiate divorce in fact they will fight to the end to stay married. They have a strong need to be liked by all which further feeds their need to conquer outside of their marriage. They are the true Narcissist's.

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LivingWaterPlease

By the time a person is on the third affair, seems it's safe to label them a serial cheater.

 

But, they can change! I know a serial cheater who has been faithful for decades due to change.

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Betterthanthis13

I would define a serial cheater as a person who cheats as a rule no matter who their partner is. They have justified cheating as a way of life for themselves. I don't think it has to do with a number of affair partners. For example, "I will always sleep with my ex gf, no matter who I am with" could be a serial cheater, even if the ex gf is the only AP that person ever has. They have very little chance of ever not being a cheater. It's who they want to be. It is a conscious decision. They probably won't admit that- but they know it. If they are caught they talk their way out of it or find a new partner and repeat the behavior but they will not stop cheating.

 

Another person could have had multiple AP's and cheated on several partners, but been making themselves miserable doing it, and finally come to the conclusion that what they were doing was a bad strategy and want to change. Take the time to look within themselves and figure out what has been going on. That person would be just a regular cheater, and can become a former cheater.

 

So to me, a serial cheater is one who is incapble of faithfulness, ever.

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More than once is "serial" to me.

 

"Once a cheater, maybe not always a cheater. Twice a cheater? Forget it, cheating is what they do; who they are."

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